Help urgent

Dear Deepshika,

I can see what you're going through. It's indeed very depressing to be all alone in a foreign land with no one to talk, confide or just spend some time. Even after 8 years of globe-trotting, and now with a son to engage me all day, I do have these bouts of loneliness that drives me insane. Men, because they're employed and have things to keep them occupied through the day cannot understand our feelings. Just this morning too, me and my husband had an argument because he felt I'm complaining too much:) This 'not confiding in wife who's sharing the roof' phase me too have gone through and I can remember how bitter I've felt. Please be patient.. I know it's easy to say but since I've come out of this phase i know for sure you too will soon:) Have you checked some volunteering in your area (i mean that doesn't require you to drive n reach)? I don't know the other possiblities in US... but I feel that if you go out and start mingling with people, not necessarily make friends, you'll be much better.

Don't loose heart... Latha

Dear Deepshika,
I just went thru ur mail. You hv some valid points there. U hv asked if it is only the women who have to try to make a marriage work......My two cents on this is YES.

I tell myself that women are much more mentally mature, sensitive to other's feelings, have a larger heart to forgive and forget. ( This is my point of view please!!)

So it is natural that women contribute more in a relationship Ofcourse there are exceptions.

Try to spend ur time usefully.............maybe try to improve your weight to get that perfect figure()you will not have time for all these frivolous things later on in life!!

Try cooking his favorite dishes(browse the net for any recipe), learn about personal grooming( get tips from internet) keep your house spic and span and add ur personal touches to decorate it.

Be well dressed always and serve his favorite dishes But do not expect him to notice this immediately. Keep humming a nice song and move around the house cheerfully and your cheerfulness will rub off on him too and slowly he will open up to you!!

Get some job voluntary, part time so that you will get to meet other people.

Keep posting .

Regards
Jayanthi

Dear Deepshikha,

I agree with you on most of the points in your 2nd post.

From my experience i'll give you a ffew points to ponder.

- First and foremost forget and bury the past and all that happened till this moment and start afresh.
- have a positive approach to life. whatever happens think it happened for good and remember to thank god for the same.
- schedule your entire day.
- look out for some voluntary work at libraries, hospitals, red cross etc.
- also look at options for baby sitting.
- pursue your hobbies.
- you are on H4...but is it possible for you to look for a job and convert your visa status.
- If you are good at cooking find out if you can supply food somewhere...maybe snacks or rotis, etc.
- don't let things, situations or people bog you down.
- always try to remain cheerful.
- be neatly dressed and also have a neat and good house and food.

also mention what are you good at and also about your hobbies...incase someone can help you out after knowing more about your abilities.

Start with these basics and then we will move further.

All the best
Roopa.

Hi Deepshika

i too agree with u we need our husband in all our feelings to share
the main thing here is men rarely shares their feelings

as u said ur hubby share lots of things with his sister ..here u can notice that he too has feelings and wanna share with someother so its a positive note
so your job starts now to turn your husband towards u, then how come u say u dont hav any work to do, u hav a big job in your life, give a try and a try and a try till u achieve ur goal.. dont give up we ladies hav plenty of patience as well as ideas within us, dont torture urself with all those -ve ideas,

Never ever say that u dont hav a soul or freinds watever when u read so many replies frm all the ladies who are thinking about u and ur well being

think wat u can do to turn ur hubby towards u , Dont expect anything in return
oneday u will be the happiest wife to a great husband
it may take somemore time to both of u to get together
so dont worry my dear always think new
pray god at least for 1hr daily

we all are with u my dear sister
love

hi dear,
these r the teething troubles of ur marriage. take time and effort to be friends with ur husnband. communicate with him. once he develops the trust and confidence in u he will do the same. u have lived with ur parents all ur lofe and have the bond with ur family. just like u wud not break that bond u cannot expect ur husband to do so with his. now u r part of his family. take an effort to know his family better, so u can get t know ur husband better thrpugh them as well!!! all the best. be positive.

First of all, ur husband is known to you only from the past year , whereas he has been brought up with his sister, so give him some time to get used to the idea of confiding in you. And also from my personal experience I am telling you men do not take advice kindly no matter how sensible it is from the wife in the early days of marriage.
Do not compromise on your safety over a silly fight. develop a hobby and keep urself busy.

Indian families view the dil as someone who may take off their son from them, are always suspicious about her actions. So be patient. Arguing about the man's role in building relationship is not possible in Indian families, these are all new concepts. If you really want to become part f your hubby's life, be patient and care for his family- even when they ignore you. You will start to care genuinely if you do it now for winning your husband. There is nothing wrong in it.
I came over to Chennai from Trivandrum after marriage. I lived in a joint family and had lots and lots of friends. But here hubby would be absconding from home (dual shifts) and I would be home after office with my aged inlaws. It used to be very lonely as there were no women in my office and I had no friends in Chennai. It happens to people living in India too.
Why don't you try to learn something like embroidery or some other thing? Ad do make it a point to try one Chitvish recipe every day, that will make your boredom disappear.
Try to get friends thro IL itself in your area and concentrate on learning new things. You will be rid of the boredom and the stress etc. Or plan a family soon.

Originally Posted by ria2006

Well I dont see anything urgent in your call for help. I find it very usual and trivial occurance in a household. It does show how immature is your relationship currently with husband. If you try to fight it out being on same plane , you will loose both ways.

Husband 's relation is not like a blood relation, where you will get affection, trust and love by default. It s not even like those overstuffy romantic movies or those frilly novels where a guy falls for gal and remains fallen forever. In real lives, its not so. You need to earn every inch of trust and affection. Nothing is free on a plate. Now if you ask me, why husband does n't feel such need and void. Well the again the culprit is woman's upbrinign there. We provide more than someone needs and it becomes suffocating. You say you hubby feels you are nagging. I also feel the same when I read your post.
You are probably nagging him.

You can never get a guy spend quality time with you and share his secrets by threatening him or by arguing with him. Never, these two thing will only further distance you two and add bitterness to the relation.

I dont think in your case problem lies in SIL's interference. It lies in your mishandling of the whole as well. You really did screw a good chance of building on companionship while you both went for walk. Instead for fuming over the past thrity minutes, you had a choice to enjoy and build on the present moment of togetherness. But No! you gave preference to building on bitterness , than on solving it.

In a harmonious marital relationship, you need to don various roles as the situations demands. You can not always expect be a buddy to your husband. Sometime, you will have to be his friend, mother, sister , wife and lots.. So develop a wisdom to pick the appropriate role as per the situation. Learn with every instance. First two years of marriage , you will face lots of teething issues. Each issue teaches a lot about each other. But most of us, refuse to build on that. We rather collect the bitterness and hold it in us for years to come. If only you could gather the observation, pragmatism and foresight in place, you can make most of these learning and adjusting phase.

I hope you get the cues.
Ria

Ria, you have got yourself a very big fan........hope she understands it, u have helped her the most

Thank You Sonalie. I am glad you find my suggestion right on.

Ria

Hi Deepshika,

Your second post filled me with sympathy for your situation. I admire your resolve still.

As an answer to your question, YES It is the husband's duty also to bring positive feeling to a marriage and try to have it take it off. As a sensible, educated man old enough to decide to marry he should have taken more trouble to make you feel more welcome into his life than he is currently appearing to do. But, that said, in the absence of such sense from him, I agree with everyone's suggestions here that it's more on the woman to "make the marriage take-off/work"...

I totally understand your frustrations on his sharing more with his sister than he does with you. He can obviously share whatever he wants with her, he has the right, but he also has the duty to share the same (if not more) with you too. Here are my suggestions on what you can do to earn an entry into his plans:

- I am guessing since you were able to post at night that you have access to the use of a computer. Google search his job/field of work and try to understand as much as you can about his work... in the evenings when you ask him "how was your day" listen genuinely to his answer and try to understand what little things he says. Ask intelligent questions about his field which will involuntarily interest him to expand his explanations.
- Watch news on TV and try to discuss the events with him. Since you are new in US ask him questions about the system/culture here that you don't udnerstand. When he expresses his opinion about them, try to form your own opinion and share with him.
- Bring on topics of your family and share stories from your childhood/school/family with him and allow him to recollect and share his own background tales with you.

NOTE: Listen when he talks and minimize interruptions. I have noticed that that is the best way to make a man to share. He needs your ears more. And when you listen, don't just hear - actually listen and try to get his nature and personality more by his opinions/remarks he makes. That way you will find out more what turns him on and turns him off.

Unless there is a principle based issue which you do not agree with at all - don't pick an argument. otherwise, sometimes arguments are also healthy, no problem

Lastly, don't worry at all. You sound like a smart person. He will soon be eating out of your hands and you will wonder how it was like before!!

Enjoy,
Sunita