Arguements with my husband, very much hurt

Hello ladies, I have this problem and nobody to turn to talk about it.
I got married a year back and came to US with husband, four months after our wedding my MIL came t visit. She stayed for 4 months and during that time she was often rude to me and sometimes said things which hurt me a lot. I was not prepared for this kind of behavior from her because she was my Mom's friend and the marriage was solicited because my Mom had great faith in that i will be happy in this family. Anyways she went back to India and it was a relief to me.
After a year, that is 1 2 months back i went to India for the first tiem after marriage. When my Mom asked me how was i doing in US i couldn't help myself and told her all things my MIL said to me. My mom was very upset and called MIL at her place and told her why she behaved like that. MIL instead of speaking to My Mom called my husband who was at that time at an interview, and told him things which my Mom never said. When my husband got back from interview he was very angry and had even decided to leave me back in India. Somehow my Mom had to say sorry to him for things she never said to MIL and we went to stay over at my in-laws place for few days before our return. There my MIL kept on saying negative things to me while in front of husband she treated me well. She made comments about my mother too and behaved badly with me in husbands absence. I was so hurt that i did not feel like staying in this family anymore. Had it not been for my parents who are extremely worried now i would have stayed back at my home in India.
But finally we came back and now its two months since our return. My MIL now keeps calling my husband and doesn't talk to me properly over the phone even though i talk with all due respect.
Nowadays arguments between me and my husband are growing. We had a heated argument a week back and since he was angry he told me that he thinks since i have come from a small place i have started behaving differently when i have this opportunity to live a free life in US. When actually he knows its nothing like that and my parents have brought me up with lots of love.
I am extremely hurt by the things my husband and MIL have said to me. I can't talk about this to my parents because they are all ready very upset after they saw my MIL's attitude in India.
I live in US on a Dependant visa so can't even work to occupy myself. I am unable to forget all this and i know my MIL is not going to behave properly with me ever again. Also my husband although he is a nice man, he thinks that his Mom and sisters come first and then his own married life.
I sometimes feel very angry and want to tell my husband how his Mom has ruined our relationship, but i know its vain. I don't feel like living with my husband anymore for the ill-will he shows towards me at his Mom's provocation. I wish as if i made a big mistake getting married and wish to go back to stay with my family but its very difficult.
Can someone advise me? Was it my fault that i feel so depressed and miserable. I am losing my confidence because of all this with each passing day.

hey i can understand your situation.you said you are married like 1 year or so..see time will fade out everything and according to me...you and your husband stay far from everyone in this country so this is the time you can get even closer and understand each other well...so my suggesstion is just dont discuss your mother, his mother, india topics just switch to something different...enggage your self with other things like going for a walk..playing together watching movies and any other thing....even though you get a call and your mil dont talks properly just ignore you do your part. make your husband feel he cant live without you..see this is a common problem in every house...and sorry if i have hurt your feelings....having a partner in life is really a thing of joy if you make it ....eveything is in your hands dear...you can do it..so i think you can face it ...

cheers
sudhira

Dear sweetie,

Please don't lose hope. And don't feel miserable. From the way you had written, u seem to be very calm person and not that argumentative too. I guess you MIL is provoked because you Mom called up and confronted her. Anyways, this is just a baby step in your relationship. Right now, its an opportunity for you. Both your family is somewhere. Its just you and your husband right. Don't bring anything about them in any sort of discussion. I know some words might be like placing a hotrod across your heart, but lets digest it, for the sake of this relationship. One day he might understand your feelings and really will feel for it.

Talk to your husband and tell him, this is all new to me and I just confined to my mom and she thought being a friend(MIL) called and asked. Anyways, past is past. Lets not try to spoil our present because of it. Next time if I feel that something I am not comfortable, like your amma, I will open it with you. May be you can help me.

Marriage is like a gamble initially. you need to play your cards correctly to set the right path between you and your husband. Now its just 1 year and you dont want your husband or your MIL to think that "may be my wife is planning to have be separated from my family" , now do you? So lets take a step back and try to let go the hurts you had and try to work on the future for a bright and happy future.

First 1-3 years of marraige is when you get closer and understand completely each other. so give it some time. Try to talk abt your likes/dislikes.. may something for him as a surprise when he comes. have some romantic adventures ;) and try to enjoy life like that. May be I would suggest you buy something for your MIL and send it to India.. these same same things if you let it grow.. your peace is completely gone my dear.

See when a DIL joins the family, its the insecurity that comes in obviously. for all these years, it was liek my son, my son.. now theres a woman who has come to his life. So when she came here, she might have felt that she wanted to show that shes still in control.. let it be.. a mom can never be a wife.. but a wife can be both and you can prove it by actions :) thats what you should do. Even though they hurt you, you got to prove how mature you are and how effectively you are taking these issues and lettting it go away. Beleive me , if you do that, there will be a time, when anyone including your MIL says something, your husband, will say, no it cant be her.. how can you :) thats the trust you need to build in your husband sweetie

So dont worry, just let this issue pass by. Concentrate on this marriage and how you can build a great strong trusting foundation with your husband. End of the day, only that matters doesnt it :)

Hope this helps :)

Dear friends,

I read all your posts regarding problem in relationships with MIL, husband etc.
In each of your writing I find you people speaking my heart out. I am a very introvert person by nature and doesn't want my story to write in public. so i hesitate a lot. but I keep reading your stories again and again. This site has really given me a lot of friends who are in my shoes.
From my own experience , I will tell you something dear. Whenever you feel depressed, listen to your heart and act accordingly. Believe in some supernatural power and try to think that whatever happens , happens for good. Believe in yourself and if you sincerely feel that you were never wrong, but people around you are doing injustice to you, don't feel hurt and depressed. Someone above there is watching everything and someday things will work out fine. I know it takes a lot courage and strength to feel this way. But dear it hurts more to fight, argue and even after that find your husband indifferent. It hurts more to feel that the person, whose support you needed the most, whose love you crave for is least bothered about your feelings and keeps on blaming you for everything.
Don't let others hurt you so easily. Its a tough world. be strong and face it. There are people who are probably in worse situation than you are. Think about the positive side of life and go ahead.
Again I am saying. when you feel helpless, believe in some power and leave it on HIM.after all we all have this platform to write and share our feelings, seek help and guidance.

bye
Lipa

Originally Posted by deepshikha

Hello ladies, I have this problem and nobody to turn to talk about it.
I got married a year back and came to US with husband, four months after our wedding my MIL came t visit. She stayed for 4 months and during that time she was often rude to me and sometimes said things which hurt me a lot. I was not prepared for this kind of behavior from her because she was my Mom's friend and the marriage was solicited because my Mom had great faith in that i will be happy in this family. Anyways she went back to India and it was a relief to me.
After a year, that is 1 2 months back i went to India for the first tiem after marriage. When my Mom asked me how was i doing in US i couldn't help myself and told her all things my MIL said to me. My mom was very upset and called MIL at her place and told her why she behaved like that. MIL instead of speaking to My Mom called my husband who was at that time at an interview, and told him things which my Mom never said. When my husband got back from interview he was very angry and had even decided to leave me back in India. Somehow my Mom had to say sorry to him for things she never said to MIL and we went to stay over at my in-laws place for few days before our return. There my MIL kept on saying negative things to me while in front of husband she treated me well. She made comments about my mother too and behaved badly with me in husbands absence. I was so hurt that i did not feel like staying in this family anymore. Had it not been for my parents who are extremely worried now i would have stayed back at my home in India.
But finally we came back and now its two months since our return. My MIL now keeps calling my husband and doesn't talk to me properly over the phone even though i talk with all due respect.
Nowadays arguments between me and my husband are growing. We had a heated argument a week back and since he was angry he told me that he thinks since i have come from a small place i have started behaving differently when i have this opportunity to live a free life in US. When actually he knows its nothing like that and my parents have brought me up with lots of love.
I am extremely hurt by the things my husband and MIL have said to me. I can't talk about this to my parents because they are all ready very upset after they saw my MIL's attitude in India.
I live in US on a Dependant visa so can't even work to occupy myself. I am unable to forget all this and i know my MIL is not going to behave properly with me ever again. Also my husband although he is a nice man, he thinks that his Mom and sisters come first and then his own married life.
I sometimes feel very angry and want to tell my husband how his Mom has ruined our relationship, but i know its vain. I don't feel like living with my husband anymore for the ill-will he shows towards me at his Mom's provocation. I wish as if i made a big mistake getting married and wish to go back to stay with my family but its very difficult.
Can someone advise me? Was it my fault that i feel so depressed and miserable. I am losing my confidence because of all this with each passing day.

Thank you sudhira , Nandhu and lipa for your replies. I am trying not to get too miserable and your responses have certainly helped me. Its a lonely life living on H4 and often I feel trapped. But I know I have to make my relationship work. Nandhu, you are right, I am not an argumentative person, never had been, and was always very patient as a child too. That is why I feel more hurt when my Husband accuses me of arguing too much. All I want him is to understand that I want to build a good relationship with him. But he thinks I am just fond of making trouble.
All this hurts me, even though I don't want to get too emotional, but when you leave your family, friends and a way of life behind to join a person in matrimony, you do expect to receive love and understanding. I know life changes after marriage, but I don't understand why it is always brickbats for the girls.
My MIL has said such rude things to me that I am unable to forget it. On my visit to India she told me that "you will have problems in life and no one will help you except me and your SIL's ", now what does this mean? I realized she was speaking of the fact that when I will have a baby i'll be at their mercy !! I personally find this sentiment so shocking. I have not yet told my husband that these are the kinds of things his Mom has been saying to me, but I do really wish to make him realize for once that his Mom is trying to make things difficult for us.
I can forsee trouble in my marriage in future because of all this, and that is why I want my husband to understand in time that marriage needs effort from both.
I just don't understand how to make him realize that, because whenever I talk he thinks I am trying to argue.

Hey gal,

Cheerup.........dont take anything to your heart...........one thing from my side is that just keep cool and talk to your MIL and SIL as if nothing has happened..........say YES YES to all of their comments............by doing this you are not a loser.......believe me..............to tackle harsh people, its better to be submissive, it doesnt mean you are a loser..........in the long run you are the winner..............

Never discuss about your mom's side with your MIL..........other than general things like pujas, going out, festivals etc..............The same way, make your parents feel comfortable by saying that leave their topic and I will take care.........if you are feeling miserable and feeling scared, the same will scare your parents too................

Dont keep on telling your husband anything about your INlaws, be it good or bad..........just stay calm, after some days tell your husband about what you underwent and give him confidence that you will take care of it, bcoz your inlaws are elder to you and you respect them kinds of stuff............

If you complain about your inlaws to your husband, he will feel very insecure that his wife will break the family..........no man can tolerate that feeling and he will yell at you only not his mom.................

Take things cool..........join in some classes which you like to spend time and make life better..............

All gals face this and its not new .................. just keep going and all things will settle into you one fine day.................

All the best Dear!

Dear lady,
U r just married a yr back. It'll take atleast 5 years to understand each other. If u are patient enough, u can win the world, why not ur mom inlaw. don't let others interfere in your family.You can ofcourse get their advises. But it'll aggreviate the problem as it happened in your case. Ur mom and ur inlaw were friends all these times. Even things are not out of hands. Wait patiently. and forgive and forget things then and there. Don't carry them in your mind. Don't rewind the past unhappy events again and again. Be cheerful. Sometimes a child will bring back all the happiness u lost.The very best advice is not to argue with husband which will only kindle their anger and make the situation worse.Only love and unconditional love will ease the situation. My bes wishes to you
Jayashree

Hey Gal...

you are a lady now... keep patience...you know what, I captured only one line from your statement

“He is a nice man"

You know it... then where is the problem. At least you got a good husband that only matters because you have to spend life with him. Don’t get depressed. Just make yourself busy..Take care of your husband as much as you can..Prepare good foods for him.Don’t discuss about his parents. Even if he wants to discuss.dont get angry..just keep quiet...try to be normal with your MIL...after all you've done a mistake to share it with your mom...even your mom shouldn’t call her and ask...after all its her family matter and you are her DIL..you cant expect your MIL to behave with you as her friend's daughter...i feel in your case you and your MIL both have loads of expectation because of your old relation...some how you both couldn’t fulfill each other's expectation. After marriage i learnt few things:
1. Dont get upset because of unexpected things .
2. Give your best without expecting anything...
And things will really get better...
be cheerful...don’t encourage any discussion about any of parents...
Be good...Feel good...
i know, you must feel that i am telling about your mistakes only and not considering what bad your MIL did with you...but trust me sweetheart...i am in the same phase in which you are...still i am happy...because i believe in all that what I’ve written above...
Whatever happened with us that happens with every woman in life...for a time being only think about your DH.Forget about yourself...trust me if Your DH is really nice person as you said...he will take very good care of you.Escaping is not a solution...you have to fight to survive in any new environment...this is principle of life..
keep laughing... its good for health
love and luck
Astha

Hey,

This is all pretty common. MIL's are an insecure lot and will do anything and everything to run the relationship between you and your hubby because they think it will give them more power over you. So please be strong and don't let her behavior upset you. Think this way ... why should I let what someone else says or does affect my relationship with my hubby. Keep repeating this to yourself.

The solution to this problem is to make your hubby believe in you, your good nature, your good qualities. To do this, stop talking about your MIL to him. Men don't like to hear bad things abt their mothers or sisters because they automatically associate that as you trying to break him away from them. If you cannot say anything positive to him about MIL and SIL then just don't say anything. And never ever stop him from having a relationship with them. Once he sees that there is no "danger" from you regarding his mom and sisters, he will slowly start coming around and will be less likely to believe in the crap that his mom and sil feed him about you.

basically through your actions and not through your words, demonstrate how good a person you are. he'll come around. and stop expecting anything nice from in-laws. you'll be a much happier person!