Very difficult to handle this situation

Hi,

I haven been reading IL for quite sometime and just had the real need to write a post in it.I am sure many Ladies who are reading this can understand my situation and reply back.I am recently married,with next month i am completing one full year.

Ours is a arranged marriage and before marriage we had six solid months to talk and understand each other.I was more happy and we both were counting the days to get married.Everything went on well and now we are nearing 11 months of married life.Initially when i got married i was in a position to get tranfferred to a place where he was living.I was fine with that and did it.My inlaws are too good people and he is the only son.Initial days we were not much happy as we faced many problems of living together and my inlaws will always support him no matter what.I married him whole heartedly and the same with him.He was(is) my life.But to be frank we dint get any fruitful time together as we joined back work and we both had much pressures at jobs and he was much presurrised.And always some relatives or the other kept visiting us and he was always engaged in some work or the other.
Suddenly one day his cousin was preparing to go to NZ to do his PG course and he has told me many times that he wanted to do his MBA in a foreign country and he couldnt go earlier as his parents dint agree the reason being that they cant be here without him.So this time when he wanted to go and they said to ask me and decide.Initially i was kinda okay as i want to fulfill his dream.But then i switched my job which is very good with a higher salary and i am fine with my current job.I am working in IT for one of the leading MNC's.So he decided that he will go and take me after 3 months.But i was not willing to allow him and i told him it is not at all possible and i cant stay away from him even for a month.i was even forcing him not to go but he felt bad whenever i told so and said its for our betterment in future.So i stopped telling him and he preapred everythinhg for his departure and do his mba(initially Pg dip course which willb complete in 9 months and after that mba paralelly he can work full time while doing his mba).
Now the point is he left last month and itz gona b allmost one month.I am dying here without him and somehow keeping kool that it is for our good.Now he feels that it will be difficult for me to get a job where he is studying currently and so he doesnt want me to quit my job here in India and i feel the same(as i am well placed in a very good company).

When i talk to him emotionally in phone,he says he will come back and search a job here.I dont want him to do that either as he quit his job here already and we have spent so much on his visa,fees and his travel.I mean he has gone in his student loan.Also i feel if he comes back he might feel that he missed the oppurtunity bcoz of me.I dont want him to feel so.

I just dont want his physical presence but only his emotional support and he is not giving that.I dont know how to make him understand and he has been pampered a lot by his parents(even now like a kid ).Otherwise he is very good and very nice person.I love him more than anyone.

I am processing the documents parallely for my work visa and i will get it in a month.Sometimes i feel going there also will not help as i dont have any good experience with him of leading a happy life and i might feel alone in that new place.I really dont know what to do now.I am kinda girl who is well organised and i will do things only after proper planning.I am an Universtiy Rank holder in my masters degree and i beleive in my hard work and i am in a very good job now.And I am successful as as individal but not in my married life.But he is really a nice person and telling me that he will call me there asap but i am not able to lead everyday here without knowing what is going to happen.I have never been so confused in life like this.Also i am gona complete 26 and itz right time to plan for the baby i feel.Even my parents are much worried about us but i dont tell them my sufferings as they will feel bad.so i always show it to them as if i am happy.

After some months we may be happy wherever we are(it may or may not happen) but the thing that he left me alone here is hurting me more than anything else.Allthough i am living with his parents here small small things in every day life reminds me of him and i miss him very badly.Please advise.

Being newly married and having to stay apart is tough. As a new wife, I can understand how much you might be missing him. It is natural for you to feel this way.

But just try thinking objectively about a few things:

• Studying MBA outside India was something your hubby wanted to do for a long time. You should help him achieve his goals and be there for him every step of the way.

• Don't make him feel bad about leaving you. In the long run, he will appreciate your support for him and it will help foster a very nurturing relationship between you two.

• Since you have already applied for a work visa, you can try your luck there and see if you get good job opportunities there. If not, you can continue working at your current place since you are really doing well.

• Sacrificing a few months or a couple of years of togetherness for a bright future for you and your husband is not a bad deal at all.

• Regarding kids, you are only 26. You still have time and shouldn't worry about this aspect so much now.. Maybe you guys can start trying after your husband completes his MBA - in a couple of years.

Use this time to focus on your career at work, and pursue hobbies during the weekend. Keep yourself busy and occupied at all times. Feel proud that you are helping your husband achieve something he always wanted to do. Knowing that you are supporting him will only make him even more proud to have you as his wife.

Hello needinfo,

If you are not having any financial burdens like supporting yourself or your husband then in my opinion you must consider going to NZ right away.It would be like taking a vacation for sometime and spending time with your hubby which is very much needed for you right now.

If you are have to support your family consider going to NZ and working there...if not an IT job any leisurely job with no mental pressures/burdens.

In my opinion early years of marriage play a vital role in a couple's married life in strengthening the bond between them, and this will happen only if you can spend considerable amount of time together.I can understand how ambitious & career-oriented you are but i don't think you will miss anything in life if your career takes a backseat for sometime at the expense of your personal life.Since you have already seen the life of a working professional, its time now to see a new life i.e marriage.


I appreciate you very much for being able to support your husband's career goals but i dont think you both need to sacrifice your personal life for it.Please realize that married life too is very important like career goals and efforts must be made from both sides to make it a beautiful marriage.

I don't mean to say that you should sacrifice your career & sit at home forever but when given a chance you need not take tensions and pressures in the initial years of marriage esp for any MNC/Indian companies.It may not be worthwhile later.

Good Luck,
ManuuRaghuu

Hi ,

First of all stop saying its a difficult situation to handle . I whole heartedly understand your situation of being alone. I stayed away from my husband for 6 mnths afer marrg and have just been with him since a month. I was a busy dentist earning in lakhs in Blore ! I left everything behind to live with him. Now I have something in the place of my career and money.. TOGETHERNESS AND A RELATIONSHIP !
You are on the brighter side as you can afford to expect something on your career front here, frend ! Not everyone are as lucky as you are ! Now may I ask you to just sit down, relax and ask yourself one question.. What is more important ?
Career ? Family ? Am sure you will be able to come up with one answer. If you said t yourself " BOTH " .. Then you need some more time to think.. Leave today aside and think about it tomorrow. If your answer was career then just go ahead with your job ther and chat with him everyday.. you can come on webcam too isnt ?
But believe me it is never going to be the same as you are in person..
If your answer was family.. Just work towards getting your visa and apply for jobs here. You say you are hardwrkng and a universty rank holder... Why wouldnt you get a job here then ? Maybe you wouldnt earn as much as you earned there but then atleast you spend time with your husband. Isnt ? Speak to him. ask him wether he will be able to support you as well. If the answer is no. then wait till you get a job here and then pack your bags ! It will be definitely difficult when you land here as it takes time to get used to this place. But you have your husband next to you and both of you can face everything together. You could be with him and work too !
Usually there needs to be a compromise in family and relationship and its for all of us to see that the female gets to do it most of the times! We have the courage to go ahead and compromise thats our strength !! Every problem has a solution when you think about it and ask yourself ! :) Hope my vw helped you someway ! Let me know if it did !! Good Day !

Dear friend,

What my friend shared already are very good suggestions to you.

You can just think about these, too:

When it comes to breaking your problems to make it lighter, there is nothingelse than you have to live now for sometime without your hubby. Of course, it is hard. But, this is the time for you to be so matured which you are already doing by convincing yourself that it is only for the betterment of your hubby.

Most of the men are not responsible by nature and they are nurtured by their parents like anything because of that. They are kids to their parents even after they are married. So, it was so natural that his parents supported him. This is too early to decide whether you had a nice time or not being man and wife. When you shoulder him in tough times and vice versa it makes you so closer and cherishes your relationship. Then you will count on your qualitative time. In that phase you'll feel that you are having a very nice time.

You told several times that he is good.

All the best!

Thank you so much for everyone who has replied taking out some time in writing it to me.This is what i wanted as i dont have anyone here to talk to closely.Atleast i am happy that ppl are responding to me.

According to Drpreethis Question,My answer is BOTH.So i guess still i need to give some time to think about it and decide.I could see some contradictory decisions given by ManuuRaghuu and CarpeDiem.So Its me who should decide.....I will not think about it now and give it some time

Once again i thank whole heartedly to all the ppl who replied to me.

Hi needinfo,

Your welcome.

My answer was based on my life after marriage.I got married 1 1/2 yrs back and then moved to the USA immediately.Since then am at home only.Before marriage i too was an IT professional.My husband works as an SAP consultant here so we stay 3-6 months away from our hometown. Though not initially but later i realized that it wouldn't be that worthwhile for me to work and stay back at my hometown without my husband at the expense of our the good life am having now ... seeing many places here,going through different experiences together and best of all getting good time to spend together has definitely strengthened our bond since marriage.Even i have plans to work here though not immediately but definitely in future.

Have a Nice Time,

ManuuRaghuu

Hey am glad you arrivd at some answer alteast !
I agree in toto wth Manu.. Career does take a backseat sometime in life when it comes to family life !
But you dont have to agree with anyone of us coz at the end of the day it is your life dear ! Believe me all of us have some experiences and thats exctly what comes out as vws ! For all you know after you have made the right decision you will find yourself helping someone solve their problem in the same forum !!!

So sit back.. sip your favourite drink, think and decide soon coz..
YOU NEVER LIVE A SECOND TWICE !!!

I think you should invest your efforts in trying to be with your husband at this early stage of your marriage. Marriage is a BIG adjustment in itself, added are the complications of being apart physically, in-laws interference etc. Being with your husband and being alone with him will help both of you develop a close bond and strengthen your relationship and help you understand each other inside and out.

This is very important in the long run, especially when it comes to presenting a united front to the rest of the family (including the inlaws!). It is also especially helpful when they try to instigate your husband against you. If your husband has spent time alone with you, and understands you, then he is less likely to believe untruths from others.

So in conclusion, grab any opportunity to spend time with your hubby and use your "us time" to develop a close bond and mutual understanding. Career, family will always be there, but time spent together in the first few years of marriage is an investment that pays off for the rest of your life!

Hi Dear,

you have not mentioned where your husband is.

If he is in the US then i am sure that as an IT you can easily get a job. There are so many companies here who process visas and send people to US...but be careful in choosing such companies. Also you mentioned yours is an MNC...have you tried going via your company itself.

In your choice you have mentioned both career n personal life....so my dear learn to strike a balance between both. If your husband is on students visa and you too go there without a job...do you realise how difficult it would be to make both ends meet.

Also, you have mentioned that you are a rank holder and a perfectionist then i am sure you should be able to chart out your life in a much better way...weighing the pros and cons of all situations.

You yourself have mentioned that i don't need his physical presence but emotional support so learn to be so to each other or ask Shanti & Veda how they manage. They are the best example of such a couple who are living apart for obvious reasons...but that dosen't mean that the love and bonding has gone out of their life.

If finance is not a problem you can always take a break in between your projects and sepend a couple of weeks or months whatever the time permits with your husband and again be back to work.

Do touchbase twice a day...morning and evening and update each other. Keep telling your selves (to each other) that this is for our future and time will just fly...and talk about the happy days in future....dream of a great future together and work towards it.

Always remember one thing in life...whatever the situation always think the positive side of it and face it with a smile and goodness in your heart you will be able to tide over it smoothly. But if you just crib and keep on seeing the negatives of it ...it will only weigh you down and feel more pressurised.

Another exercise that you can do is write down the pros and cons of the situation...both you and your husband and then share it with each other.

All the Best
Warm regards
Roopa.