Ego, Temper and Moodiness - Fatal Combination

Originally Posted by ria2006

I see that your fears are ruling your psyche, when you say he is capable of not talking for months !! Well no family oriented, normal person would be able to do so, without extra support from partner. By extra support I mean, for sure you would have requested or pleaded or atleast showed him in gestures, how disturbed and wretched you are without his involvement in family. Take that support out. Be happy, cheerful and all positive even in his days of anrgy state. Your strength will raise fears in him. All tomenters want their victims to depend on them, emotionally the best. Because for females emotion is their weakest link.

Lastly, My granny once said very aptly, Husband wife relation is like tug of war game. Sometime he should pull, sometime you should pull. If all the time only one person is pulling. Then other person may not go on for long. Its the pulling game which keep the relation ticking and bonding. But if pulling becomes a war, then you know you have placed your card wrong in first place. Halt the game. Rearrange the cards and get back in game..
All the best

Ria

Thanks for patiently analysing and putting down your thoughts Ria. The two quoted paragraphs above that you wrote particularly struck a chord. I surely have to take part blame for the situation turning out like this.

During the intial years when I used to also allow my feelings to show, and get angry and speak my mind out, things would go so out of hand (him involving my in-laws and my mom), things turning out so ugly to the point of seriously him considering divorce because he couldn't stand being spoken to this way by his wife. Anyway, since the past two years now, the arguments and misunderstandings are few and far between as we have tuned in and adjusted our personalities (more adjustment from my side, ofcourse)...but I do need to break the cycle of him thinking that his behavior affects me and I seriously need to change my attitude during these escapades of his. I see this as a big challenge but I have been able to do it this time albeit it's only been 4 days now....

Ria, your granny is so wise (Words of old are so truly words of gold!). Such a beautiful analogy to express such a complicated relationship. Who knew going into a marriage that there would be so many mind games involved. I feel I should have had a crash course on how to approach so many things before getting married - it might have saved me so many unpleasant memories :)

Hi Ria, SS,
I'm really amazed by your advice.
I log into this section, just to check your replies to the threads posted. Your are really doing a wonderful job. The best thing that I like in both of your comments is the practical approach involved in it.
Not once, can I disagree with your words.
3 Cheers to both of you

Carpediem,
I've nothing more to say than SS & ria. They have given you all the best advice.
I do agree with you in not involving your In-laws for issues between you two.

All the best

Hey Nakshatraa,

Firstly very warm welcome to IL. It's a pleasure to know you like our words, SS is truly a pro- counsellor I feel. Thanks for kind words. Let us all hear more from you too.

Cheers,
Ria

In our family it's the opposite, I am the moody one, staying angry for a very long time, my husband often begs me for days. He would go outside after we argued to buy my favorite food only get it thrown in the trash. URGG, after reading your post I think I should make his life a little bit easier and I feel a little guilty.

Thanks Nakshatra! It feels very good to know that some of our friends are benefitting from our sugesstions.
SS

Originally Posted by Nakshatraa

Hi Ria, SS,
I'm really amazed by your advice.
I log into this section, just to check your replies to the threads posted. Your are really doing a wonderful job. The best thing that I like in both of your comments is the practical approach involved in it.
Not once, can I disagree with your words.
3 Cheers to both of you
All the best

Hmm..So the saga continues.

He is still giving the cold shoulder, though occasionally he will respond one word answers to my general questions when in mood. Since my in-laws are staying with me, he talks with them, gets pampered by my MIL and of course plays with my daughter... all this while totally ignoring me. It's been 10 days now and god knows how long this will go on. I'm trying hard to keep my spirits high and be my normal self. Hopefully I can sustain this attitude long enough! Just wanted to vent out.......

CarpeDiem,

Sad that he is such a kid! But bad habits die hard. So he is surely not going to change or let go soon. You just have to keep at it. Don't trouble yourself with his childish behavior. Just be normal and jovial with him too. You have nothing to lose.

I know it is very easy for me to write it but extremely difficult for you to put it in practice. But you will get there. Believe me. All you have to do is change your thinking to be happy with yourself no matter what. Once that changes, you will be at ease and being happy no matter what will come to you naturally.

I try to follow this way of thinking - " I am happy in my own company.If he is with me I will be more happy. But if he is not, I am still happy". This "he" could be any one you are very dependent on for your happiness. I can tell you that adopting this attitude does wonders to your happiness quotient. It also makes the other person want your company because you don't go seeking for it and you are not unhappy about it either.

Anyway. Just wanted to write a quick note to tell you to keep at it. Most important, keep at it happily and be normal with him.

Good going.
SS

Originally Posted by CarpeDiem

Hmm..So the saga continues.

He is still giving the cold shoulder, though occasionally he will respond one word answers to my general questions when in mood. Since my in-laws are staying with me, he talks with them, gets pampered by my MIL and of course plays with my daughter... all this while totally ignoring me. It's been 10 days now and god knows how long this will go on. I'm trying hard to keep my spirits high and be my normal self. Hopefully I can sustain this attitude long enough! Just wanted to vent out.......

Originally Posted by soaringspirit

CarpeDiem,

I try to follow this way of thinking - " I am happy in my own company.If he is with me I will be more happy. But if he is not, I am still happy". This "he" could be any one you are very dependent on for your happiness. I can tell you that adopting this attitude does wonders to your happiness quotient. It also makes the other person want your company because you don't go seeking for it and you are not unhappy about it either.

SS

Thanks for backing me up SS. Yeah your posts and advices are what keep me going. Yesterday when I was indeed a bit upset about this whole situation, I just thought of your practical approach and how I should not allow this downward spiral thinking behavior to get the better of me and I was fine.

Your quote above, makes so much sense. You know, I started adopting the same attitude a couple of years back (although I must admit that I have a long way to go to truly master it)..but this thinking has helped me tremendously in so many situations! Because at the end of it, you truly feel self reliant ..since happiness is after all a state of mind!

Once again..thanks for being my rock!

hi CarpeDiem,
keep trying as it will give you more hope to move forward
good luck

hi SS,

i am grasping all the good advices you are giving her as it is more like my story.
you advice that we should be happy in our company is correct.
my husband is very independent and he enjoys his work ,watching tv and is happy in himself .so i always feel left out.and when i confront him he thinks i am trying to fight and won't change him.so i am thinking of keeping me happy in my own ways but it is not easy for me as i am used to be with others to make me happy . i am confused.

thank you all

bye
manju

Hi Manjur,

Try to enjoy your own life.Everybody is different and you can't change anybody.Make your own friends and have some nice time with them!!

Pia