Different opinions in raising kids and leading to fights

Hello All

I read some of the posts here in this thread , this is the best place to open your heart and share your thoughts.

Me and my husband are having different opinions in raising kids that is leading to lot of fights and I feel lonely and depressed some times.

we been married for 7 years and we have a 4yr old and 20 month old.My husband is very family oriented and takes care of all the issues and loves the kids alot.Not like many other men , he actually does everything to kids ,like giving bath , changing diapers etc.He is very organized too , if i don't keep something clean he will actually rearrange it.

The problem is coming because he wants the kids to be very disciplined and some times he behaves very rude with them and especially he gets very upset that i am not teaching them the same way.Just for an instance , yesterday my son being a 20 month old , goes behind my dauther try to hit her with a car(he did that before too , we told him that is a bad behavior)immediately my husband got very angry and hits on his both cheecks , as a mother it was really hard for me to watch, if I say somethig he will raise his voice and starts shouting at me saying I am not teaching him correctly.By nature I am very soft and I just can't be so rude with kids even though they do something wrong,I just want to tell them in a low voice and thinks as they grow they will change.

I grow up as a very individual girl , for me my self respect is very important, sometimes i feel lonely and depressed when he dominates like that and starts feeling that i am not a good mother or what?In general I love him so much and used to feel that I am so lucky to have him as my husband.But now a days as the kids are growing we are having so many situations where we are having differences , i just can't bare all that fights with him.

Does any one has same situation in their house?

Dear aannam

I might not be as qualified/experienced to be suggesting something to you but i think i can understand what situation you might be facing adays. Let me tell you something, its nothing related to your problem but something i felt like sharing here.. my dad knows absolutely nothing about cooking, so my mom is the one taking care of everything in the kitchen - from cooking to utensils to cleaning etc.. And i used to be very frustrated to see this. Now i feel glad to see my husband quite active in the kitchen. But my problem is that my husband's cookking styles do not match with my taste buds.. BUT, i try to accept him as an entire package.

Your husband seems to be quite disciplined himself and shares your work load too. And he wants to inculcate the same culture in his children as well. So, my suggestion would be to try and accomodate his behavior as long as it is reasonable. We all know dear, that dads are always the ones with hunters and moms always are caring, so it doesnt seem to be an extra-ordinary problem.
As for the hitting the children, i believe you can explain it to him that raising kids in the US this way is just going to land you both in trouble in the future. And it would be a better idea to mould your kids with words coz that is all you will be able to do once your kids get school-going; and hitting/scolding would need to be minimised.

Hope this helps.
Good luck

Charu..

Thanks Charu for your reply.

I just probably need to learn how to cooperate to him in raising kids.

aannam

dear aannam,
u r lucky in some ways to have a hubby who wants to be involved in childrens upbringing.
just tell him NO beating whatever the reason.also ,by doing the same thing (beating) one cannot change the behaviour.
kids that small do not understand the implication of their actions.they have to be taught again & again.
i find the site askdrsears .com very useful in child upbringing (check the topic discipline) .there is also a topic on how harmful beating is for kids.trust me after reading it ur hubby will never raise hand on the kids.
love
pragati

Hi,

Don't get so upset. You are just having a difference of opinion with your husband regarding the parenting strategy to be followed. You want to take a softer approach and your husband wants a more stern approach. Personally I also feel that beating children especially a 20 month old is not the right approach. You need to come with a mutually agreeable strategy on disciplining children. So instead of getting frustrated why don't you try to get some parenting books from the library or book store. You may get some parenting ideas by reading those books and you can share them with your husband. Sometimes husbands find it easier to accept suggestions from a book or from their friends rather than from their spouses. Good luck !!

Kavya.

Originally Posted by aannam01

Hello All

I read some of the posts here in this thread , this is the best place to open your heart and share your thoughts.

Me and my husband are having different opinions in raising kids that is leading to lot of fights and I feel lonely and depressed some times.

we been married for 7 years and we have a 4yr old and 20 month old.My husband is very family oriented and takes care of all the issues and loves the kids alot.Not like many other men , he actually does everything to kids ,like giving bath , changing diapers etc.He is very organized too , if i don't keep something clean he will actually rearrange it.

The problem is coming because he wants the kids to be very disciplined and some times he behaves very rude with them and especially he gets very upset that i am not teaching them the same way.Just for an instance , yesterday my son being a 20 month old , goes behind my dauther try to hit her with a car(he did that before too , we told him that is a bad behavior)immediately my husband got very angry and hits on his both cheecks , as a mother it was really hard for me to watch, if I say somethig he will raise his voice and starts shouting at me saying I am not teaching him correctly.By nature I am very soft and I just can't be so rude with kids even though they do something wrong,I just want to tell them in a low voice and thinks as they grow they will change.

I grow up as a very individual girl , for me my self respect is very important, sometimes i feel lonely and depressed when he dominates like that and starts feeling that i am not a good mother or what?In general I love him so much and used to feel that I am so lucky to have him as my husband.But now a days as the kids are growing we are having so many situations where we are having differences , i just can't bare all that fights with him.

Does any one has same situation in their house?

Dear Aanamon,

I read your mail and i also got upset when i read how your husband hit your 20 month old child. Being discplined and expecting your children to be the same is good intention. But you cannot discpline them by hitting them - esp a child as young as 20 month old. Doesnt your husband feel guilty for laying his hands on such a young toddler??/

Children who are raised by beating, will grow up and start hitting others as they will think that is the only way to deal with problems. they may even become wife beaters. its not their fault. thats how they have been brought up - hitting to correct mistakes or solve problems.

Dont give your husband a chance to hit the children. Before he can raise his hand, you take the initiative to talk sternly to your child or move the child away from his reach.
Let your husband scold you, taunt you that your not a good mother...its ok...ultimately, its the child's happiness that matters.

Please be firm on this issue.

Jaya

Dear Aanamon,

I read your mail and i also got upset when i read how your husband hit your 20 month old child. Being discplined and expecting your children to be the same is good intention. But you cannot discpline them by hitting them - esp a child as young as 20 month old. Doesnt your husband feel guilty for laying his hands on such a young toddler??/

Children who are raised by beating, will grow up and start hitting others as they will think that is the only way to deal with problems. they may even become wife beaters. its not their fault. thats how they have been brought up - hitting to correct mistakes or solve problems.

Dont give your husband a chance to hit the children. Before he can raise his hand, you take the initiative to talk sternly to your child or move the child away from his reach.
Let your husband scold you, taunt you that your not a good mother...its ok...ultimately, its the child's happiness that matters.

Please be firm on this issue.

Jaya

Hi,

It is better not to openly show strong differences in parenting styles in front of kids. When kids see that one parents is harsh and another is more easy going they take good advantage of it They will divide and conquer. I did that when I was young So better come to an agreement on your parenting style.

I really don't know how effective spanking is on disciplining children. Would it achieve the purpose or would it just make the children more violent? My 15 month old toddler bites me badly when nursing from me. I posted the question on indus ladies and they suggested me to mildly spank him on his bottoms or give him a light slap on his cheek. I tried that approach. The first few times my son started crying a lot when I slapped him lightly on his cheek when he bite me. Then I noticed that he would deliberately bite me and see how I react. He would not get upset if I slap him lightly. Now I am at a loss as to how to stop him from biting me while nursing. Probably it is time I wean him off.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by JayaJ

Dear Aanamon,

I read your mail and i also got upset when i read how your husband hit your 20 month old child. Being discplined and expecting your children to be the same is good intention. But you cannot discpline them by hitting them - esp a child as young as 20 month old. Doesnt your husband feel guilty for laying his hands on such a young toddler??/

Children who are raised by beating, will grow up and start hitting others as they will think that is the only way to deal with problems. they may even become wife beaters. its not their fault. thats how they have been brought up - hitting to correct mistakes or solve problems.

Dont give your husband a chance to hit the children. Before he can raise his hand, you take the initiative to talk sternly to your child or move the child away from his reach.
Let your husband scold you, taunt you that your not a good mother...its ok...ultimately, its the child's happiness that matters.

Please be firm on this issue.

Jaya