How to forgive my spouse and move on

Dear Kavya ma'am

I dont know whether u would appreciate my post here becos u might think i can write anything easily as am not married yet, as am leading a smooth life with my parents n as i ve not experienced anything like wat u ve all these days...But i would really feel very guilty n would feel that i ve gone against my conscience if i dont write wat i feel like writing now.....
At first i should say dat the title of ur post made me to check out for the contents in it. After reading it fully i came to know dat ur core problem is in tracing the best way to make urself forgive ur husband..rite? n u ve mentioned dat u ve tried all possible measures except separation. But pls remember parting out is very easy n staying connected with love in all circumstances is difficult...Its jus difficult n not impossible...so y do u want to ve a low self-esteem of urself by doing things dat are easy to do???...
The best practical soluion to ur so called problem(ofcourse it is, only wen u think it is)
is YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT...this is name of the book i respect the most, i adore the most...its written by Dr.Wayne.W.Dyer n in it he shows the way for our personal transformations...It jus takes a weeks time to get the essence of it...I ve read many personal development books but believe me, this one cant be compared with anything in this world!! This book is a result of the author forgiving someone whom he thought he would not be able to forgive all his life...i ve felt tears streaming down my face while reading this..
Am sure u will experience a new whole world filled with compassion n wen u think of ur husband it vl be only with love bcos u vl realise n vl come to know in ur heart dat ur husband was simply doing wat he knew how to do given the conditions of his life at that time..u will feel a kind of peace entirely new for u..
Try to get a copy of it as soon as possible n after dat, the book vl take care of creating a positive n loving difference in ur life..
My best wishes for u n iv vl surely pray for u to come out of ur misperceptions.
Pls dont forget dat am looking forward to hear to ur experience of enjoying a whole new life after reading dat!!

Love
Meena

Hi Soaringspirit,

Thanks a lot for your advice. I was really looking for some sort of a bullet wise plan to work towards a solution. I will definitely take up a meditation course. I was thinking of taking the ISHA yoga class but I had to cancel it in the last minute because something came up. My husband is doing meditation and he tells me that it is helping him a lot. I find it hard to get the time to meditate. Being a working mother is hard enough.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by soaringspirit

Hi Kavya,

No thanks are due to me, the pleasure was entirely mine.

Just hang in there and plan and follow your strategy to overcome this phase. It will pass.

I forgot to remind you again that you should DEFINITELY think about taking a meditation/yoga class. Our minds need some food for thought and the class provides that so prefectly. We are forced to take some time away for introspection. We need this time.

I will be looking foward to hearing the great strides you are about to make in your personal life..

SS

Hi Malspie,

One of the primary reasons why men and women have extra-marital affairs is because they do not feel loved and secure in their marriage. It is never easy to take the decision to separate. When you become a mother you will realize that it is very hard to walk out of the marriage without the kids.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by malspie

Hi,

I am single so my thoughts are different. If my spouse cheats on me, there is no second 'take' kids or no kids. And I am pretty sure of it. I cannot live with a man who has betrayed my trust. Sacrifice and all that is not my cuppa. He can keep the kids (if I know he has the ability to take care of them and the funds too), else I will walk away with the kids.

When I watch Jaya Bachhan (wife of Amitabh Bachhan), I always question myself, how did she stick to him. He was in series of affairs be it Rekha or Parveen Babi... She stood by him and all that........... Today she is standing next to him receiving awards on his behalf, clapping for him, etc...

I would have let go all the SHOW SHA and liked to start life of my own. For me self respect and dignity is more important than anything in life. Thats me... To each his own is what the proverb says... Correct.........

Meena,

Thanks for the suggestion. I will definitely try to read that book.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by MEENANEELAKANTAN

Dear Kavya ma'am

I dont know whether u would appreciate my post here becos u might think i can write anything easily as am not married yet, as am leading a smooth life with my parents n as i ve not experienced anything like wat u ve all these days...But i would really feel very guilty n would feel that i ve gone against my conscience if i dont write wat i feel like writing now.....
At first i should say dat the title of ur post made me to check out for the contents in it. After reading it fully i came to know dat ur core problem is in tracing the best way to make urself forgive ur husband..rite? n u ve mentioned dat u ve tried all possible measures except separation. But pls remember parting out is very easy n staying connected with love in all circumstances is difficult...Its jus difficult n not impossible...so y do u want to ve a low self-esteem of urself by doing things dat are easy to do???...
The best practical soluion to ur so called problem(ofcourse it is, only wen u think it is)
is YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT...this is name of the book i respect the most, i adore the most...its written by Dr.Wayne.W.Dyer n in it he shows the way for our personal transformations...It jus takes a weeks time to get the essence of it...I ve read many personal development books but believe me, this one cant be compared with anything in this world!! This book is a result of the author forgiving someone whom he thought he would not be able to forgive all his life...i ve felt tears streaming down my face while reading this..
Am sure u will experience a new whole world filled with compassion n wen u think of ur husband it vl be only with love bcos u vl realise n vl come to know in ur heart dat ur husband was simply doing wat he knew how to do given the conditions of his life at that time..u will feel a kind of peace entirely new for u..
Try to get a copy of it as soon as possible n after dat, the book vl take care of creating a positive n loving difference in ur life..
My best wishes for u n iv vl surely pray for u to come out of ur misperceptions.
Pls dont forget dat am looking forward to hear to ur experience of enjoying a whole new life after reading dat!!

Love
Meena

Hi Kavya,

The answer to your question is in your posts. Read them again, you have been very eloquent in describing the events.

These are the facts:

1. your husband had a medical condition at that time and had no control over his actions.

2. you had a medical condition and even your actions were not under your control.

just focus on those two facts when ever you are overcome with feelings of negativity and the rest will become clear to you. You cannot hold a person responsible for actions over which they didn't had any control.

unconsciously your childhood impressions might be playing a role in your reaction to adverse events now.

All that you have posted is very similar to what a friend of mine had gone thru after her second delivery. Her husband was literally scared out of his wits to go home after work every day until they realised her thyroid levels were sky high. She later confided that she even had thoughts to kill him. Now with her situation firmly under control they are one of the most loving couple. Post partum depression is a serious thing and all new mothers to be and fathers to be should be aware of the signs and seek medical help immediately. Help is available for both the new parents. My daughter's high school crew coach was murdered by his wife who had delivered a baby a month before. She killed herself with the same kitchen knife; discovered by her mother who comes every morning to help her daughter bathe the baby. This happened 3-4 years ago and resulted in many laws being made recognising post partum depression as a curable mental desease of which ob/gyn's should by law be on the look out for/ follow up in new mothers

take care now and both of you enjoy your baby son....

Hi Blondie,

I do recognize that my husband's aberrant behavior is because of his thyroid issue. But we have gone through so much pain that it is not easy to overcome the negativity. I cannot attribute all his irrational behavior to his thyroid condition. It cannot be used as a scapegoat.

Though overall I was very happy with my husband before my delivery there were some sore points between us just like all other couples.
I have had a see-saw relationship with my inlaws. Sometimes they and their relatives have behaved in a way that hurt me and my family a lot on extremely flimsy issues. Like for example as soon as I entered my husband's house after my marriage my MIL's elder sister yelled at my aunt just because she had referred to my husband by name. According to my MIL's elder sister calling him by name was extremely disrespectful. I was shocked and irritated with their attitude. Nobody from my husbands side including my husband said anything and my MIL sat with an irksome smile. They think that a DIL is a door mat !!! This is how I started my life in my in-laws house. There were also a couple of other incidents like this that alienated me from my in-laws. My husband would either ignore all of that. To him his parents were always "holy and perfect".

During my pregnancy again my FIL made some comment that hurt me a lot. My husband never openly supported me at that time. Though after a very long time he told me that he did talk to his parents. My husband continued the same attitude after my delivery also. He realize his mistakes very late. Though now he has realized his mistakes I feel so frustrated that something so simple took him so many years to understand. So though he tries to rekindle the love and intimacy between us sometimes I become cold to his efforts. In the process I also end up getting hurt and feeling lonely.

Right now we have completely taken my in-laws out of the equation and we are trying to focus only on our relationship. But I am really haunted by the past. I think time is the only thing that can heal. Till then we have to be very careful not to let any other external thing hurt us again.

Thanks,
Kavya.

Originally Posted by Blondie

Hi Kavya,

The answer to your question is in your posts. Read them again, you have been very eloquent in describing the events.

These are the facts:

1. your husband had a medical condition at that time and had no control over his actions.

2. you had a medical condition and even your actions were not under your control.

just focus on those two facts when ever you are overcome with feelings of negativity and the rest will become clear to you. You cannot hold a person responsible for actions over which they didn't had any control.

unconsciously your childhood impressions might be playing a role in your reaction to adverse events now.

All that you have posted is very similar to what a friend of mine had gone thru after her second delivery. Her husband was literally scared out of his wits to go home after work every day until they realised her thyroid levels were sky high. She later confided that she even had thoughts to kill him. Now with her situation firmly under control they are one of the most loving couple. Post partum depression is a serious thing and all new mothers to be and fathers to be should be aware of the signs and seek medical help immediately. Help is available for both the new parents. My daughter's high school crew coach was murdered by his wife who had delivered a baby a month before. She killed herself with the same kitchen knife; discovered by her mother who comes every morning to help her daughter bathe the baby. This happened 3-4 years ago and resulted in many laws being made recognising post partum depression as a curable mental desease of which ob/gyn's should by law be on the look out for/ follow up in new mothers

take care now and both of you enjoy your baby son....

Right now we have completely taken my in-laws out of the equation and we are trying to focus only on our relationship. But I am really haunted by the past. I think time is the only thing that can heal. Till then we have to be very careful not to let any other external thing hurt us again.

that is the right approach Kavya. But please do not fight for issues caused by others, because neither of you can control others, sometimes one cannot control oneself. It is really advisable to turn a deaf ear and eye. Also know that they belong to the past generation with views that are no longer suited to these times. Just listen or pretend to listen and pay no heed. When they see that what they say and do is just running off like water on a oily surface with no impact, they will stop. When they see that they are affecting you , it is like feeding oil to the fire.

As for your saying that only time will heal the wounds to make each other responsive to intimacy, your youth will not come back when you are healed and ready....

Hi Blondie,

That is what my husband used to always say in the past "ignore those people they don't matter to you at all". But how much can you take !! Especially when you see those idiots insulting people whom you love and respect over such flimsy issues, my blood really boils. I kept quite for nearly 5 years trying to brush aside every thing and finally I exploded like a volcano one day. I realized that it is better to release steam regularly instead of just keeping everything inside you. I have realized that sometimes we need to give them a good piece of our mind so that they learn to shut up. So long my in-laws took my feelings for granted. I don't want my in-laws to take my feelings for granted. They need to know that they just can't say and do anything they want and then think a "SORRY" will heal everything.

Anyways just venting. My primary goal is only to first fix my relationship with my husband. Everybody and everything else comes after that. So right now I am keeping a very safe distance from my in-laws so that something new does not unbalance the healing process.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by Blondie

that is the right approach Kavya. But please do not fight for issues caused by others, because neither of you can control others, sometimes one cannot control oneself. It is really advisable to turn a deaf ear and eye. Also know that they belong to the past generation with views that are no longer suited to these times. Just listen or pretend to listen and pay no heed. When they see that what they say and do is just running off like water on a oily surface with no impact, they will stop. When they see that they are affecting you , it is like feeding oil to the fire.

As for your saying that only time will heal the wounds to make each other responsive to intimacy, your youth will not come back when you are healed and ready....

Hi Kavya,

70% of the people whom I know are all divorcees. They have nulled the marriage and kids have not been the problem. They are all living independently in their own house and have not been a burden to anybody. Yes, the factor is they are all financially independent.

As I am an consultant and astrologer too, people from all walks of life come to me. Its so surprising to see, that the illiterates walk out of marriage more quickly than the elite ones. These so called less educated people are working in others home as maids, some of them have taken up jobs in factories on daily wages, their children are studying in Municipality schools. They have not bogged down to social pressures or peers. They have listened to their inner voice.

And a margin of the few who continue for the sake of CHILDREN AND SOCIETY are having affair outside marriage. Both woman and man go out for fun and return home to their CHILDREN. This is the life I have seen and am seeing everyday.

Originally Posted by kavya007

Hi Blondie,

That is what my husband used to always say in the past "ignore those people they don't matter to you at all". But how much can you take !! Especially when you see those idiots insulting people whom you love and respect over such flimsy issues, my blood really boils. I kept quite for nearly 5 years trying to brush aside every thing and finally I exploded like a volcano one day. I realized that it is better to release steam regularly instead of just keeping everything inside you. I have realized that sometimes we need to give them a good piece of our mind so that they learn to shut up. So long my in-laws took my feelings for granted. I don't want my in-laws to take my feelings for granted. They need to know that they just can't say and do anything they want and then think a "SORRY" will heal everything.

Anyways just venting. My primary goal is only to first fix my relationship with my husband. Everybody and everything else comes after that. So right now I am keeping a very safe distance from my in-laws so that something new does not unbalance the healing process.

Kavya.

Dear Kavya,

From reading your replies I can feel the constant struggle you are undergoing to forget the past. When you say “it is not easy to forget”, believe me, I know how you feel. This is from personal experience. It was not easy for me to forget some of the things I experienced and it took me a long time too.

What I learnt though is that time is not the healer alone. We think that over time we will become less sensitive to that hurt – nope it does not happen.

The only thing that works is to think rationally for ourselves. I will only say what I feel about forgiveness here. Rest you know - to pick your battles and fight them right etc.

Know that forgiveness helps us not them. Most of the times,we feel that when we forgive someone we are either bowing down to them or doing them a favor.
I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness helps the person who is suffering the most. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or bowing down AT ALL. It is a sign that you are ready to move on and do something about what happened to you.

Once you forgive, you can think about how to handle such a situation in the future, what will be you next course of action and you start noticing the good things around you. Basically forgiveness helps you take control of the situation. Right now all your energy and time has been taken up by the things that happened to you. You don’t have much energy left to “do” something about it. So look at forgiveness in this light.

If you think that it is “for them”” that you are doing it, it will be very hard to forgive. We are humans, we all think about “what is in it for me”. So that’s what is in it for you - control of the future situations. Isn’t that what you’d want? Past is already history.

Blondie, said it so right, your youth is not going to come back. Please think hard when you have the urge to go into the past again. This time is precious, try to make the best of this time.

All the best. Just work on it daily and keep at it. You’ll be there soon.

SS