Lots of problems with hubby and in-laws since my kid's birth...advice

Hi Kavya,

The one I had taken was by the Isha Yoga foundation. Website - Isha Foundation - Home

I have heard that the "Art of living" ones are also very good. Followers of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

I recommend it very highly.

SS

Originally Posted by kavya007

Hi,

What is the name of the yoga and meditation program that you took. I am searching for a good program that will help me deal with my postpartum issues.

Kavya.

I am not sure if he will be even willing to go see the doctor. He is into so much negativity that he is saying that I need physciatric advice not him...while I have been telling him to speak up or goto counselling...he is stuck on this writing thing and 17th century ideas that his dad gives him. Their parents have already proclaimed and told everyone that I am mentally off balance...to save their skins in their social circle. So if I even tell him to go see a doctor, I am sure with his state of mind, he will resist it even more.
Maybe its a good idea for me to go see a doctor and also get a counsellor referral and see how things go...atleast that will help me to cope things better. Though I am doing meditations and workouts at home whenever I find sometime to keep myself grounded and thats what has given me courage to face all this till now.
But this time he himself had called my brother and spoke about seperation. I think from his side, the main fear is that, if we have an arguement again and some neighbor calls the cops again...he will be surely arrested and he wants to somehow avoid that. I keep telling him that my writing will not solve any such purpose.....but he is not believing it. If I really want to cause harm to him I can still say that he held me as hostage and made me write the letter by blackmailing and all that...right? So I told him the best way to avoid such situations is to not argue to that extent and solve the root cause of the issue by talking and solving issues. But he is not ready to think in any other way than his way.
Right now the only thought lingering in his mind is the cops call. so maybe if I go away, he might cool down and think in different angles....he might realise that he needs his wife and child and cannot stay alone in his life. And the same holds good for me too...we both need some time for ourselves to think and we are not able to do it staying together maybe.
Also I honestly feel that I need a break from all this....I donno how much staying away will help....or maybe not..it might create more gaps...but for my sanity and my daughter's sake it might be better I feel.
Do any of you ladies feel it might work out better if I go away for sometime? has anyone gone through such a situation...where they saw no light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi,

I was about to take the ISHA program this year but cancelled it in the last minute. I have also heard the AOL program is good but many people feel that the volunteers are too pushy. Which program do you highly recommend the ISHA yoga one or AOL program?

Kavya

Originally Posted by soaringspirit

Hi Kavya,

The one I had taken was by the Isha Yoga foundation. Website - Isha Foundation - Home

I have heard that the "Art of living" ones are also very good. Followers of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

I recommend it very highly.

SS

Hi Sihi,

Honestly you are the best judge of your situation. It is too hard to be a single mom in the US without any support from friends or family. When I was faced with the same dilemma, I decided not to go to India. I have still not made a trip to India. There were two reasons behind this:
1) I was afraid of leaving my husband alone because I knew he had a health issue. I felt the loneliness might aggravate his problem.
2) I was more afraid that I might have to face my inlaws in India and that might create more problems. I wanted to avoid them at all costs. It is because of this fear that I have still not gone to India since my son's birth.

If your husband is having a lot of negativity he might be going through a depression. Why not strike a deal with your husband? Tell him that if he is willing to get a physical check up done and come to a counselor you will give him something in writting. Ultimately I don't know how valid these write-ups really hold in a court of law.

Kavya.

Originally Posted by sihi

I am not sure if he will be even willing to go see the doctor. He is into so much negativity that he is saying that I need physciatric advice not him...while I have been telling him to speak up or goto counselling...he is stuck on this writing thing and 17th century ideas that his dad gives him. Their parents have already proclaimed and told everyone that I am mentally off balance...to save their skins in their social circle. So if I even tell him to go see a doctor, I am sure with his state of mind, he will resist it even more.
Maybe its a good idea for me to go see a doctor and also get a counsellor referral and see how things go...atleast that will help me to cope things better. Though I am doing meditations and workouts at home whenever I find sometime to keep myself grounded and thats what has given me courage to face all this till now.
But this time he himself had called my brother and spoke about seperation. I think from his side, the main fear is that, if we have an arguement again and some neighbor calls the cops again...he will be surely arrested and he wants to somehow avoid that. I keep telling him that my writing will not solve any such purpose.....but he is not believing it. If I really want to cause harm to him I can still say that he held me as hostage and made me write the letter by blackmailing and all that...right? So I told him the best way to avoid such situations is to not argue to that extent and solve the root cause of the issue by talking and solving issues. But he is not ready to think in any other way than his way.
Right now the only thought lingering in his mind is the cops call. so maybe if I go away, he might cool down and think in different angles....he might realise that he needs his wife and child and cannot stay alone in his life. And the same holds good for me too...we both need some time for ourselves to think and we are not able to do it staying together maybe.
Also I honestly feel that I need a break from all this....I donno how much staying away will help....or maybe not..it might create more gaps...but for my sanity and my daughter's sake it might be better I feel.
Do any of you ladies feel it might work out better if I go away for sometime? has anyone gone through such a situation...where they saw no light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi Kavya,

I definitely recommend the ISHA course since I have experienced it. If you are thinking about it PLEASE go for it. At ISHA the folks were not pushy at all and there was no presssure to enroll into any of their other classes.

I want to take their next one also which entails staying there for 3 days. May be next year..

I loved their class and benefited TREMENDOUSLY. I hope you enroll and benefit from it as much as I did.

SS

Originally Posted by kavya007

Hi,

I was about to take the ISHA program this year but cancelled it in the last minute. I have also heard the AOL program is good but many people feel that the volunteers are too pushy. Which program do you highly recommend the ISHA yoga one or AOL program?

Kavya

Dear Sihi,

I agree with Kavya that it is very difficult for any of us here to advice you on whether you should or should not go to India. We will openely and whole heartedly share our thoughts like we are but you still are the best judge of your situation.

If you think that you are really getting stressed and are not able to keep your sanity then some time away from each other might help clearing your minds. But I would very highly advice you to talk to your husband about why you think your going to India for sometime may be good. You do not want him to think that you are "leaving" him. If you want the relationship to be in a repairable condition then you must clearly tell him your reasons for going away - like you think that both of you are so stressed and need some time to give your minds some much needed rest. That you still love him and if he thinks that he'd like to work this together then you will stay back. Give him some options and if he is not willing to say anything, just do what you feel is good for the time. But do not leave the house before clearly telling him your reasons, even if he gets upset or is not willing to hear.

I sincerely wish you find the much needed help and peace of mind that you deserve in this time of need.

Hang in there and know that things will turn out just fine either way.

SS

Hi Sihi:

I came across your post after responding to your message, so I know a little more about your situation. Here's my advise:

First of all, tell yourself 1000 times a day that you are a VERY strong woman who knows how to stand up for yourself and your daughter. You are striving hard to be a good mother and anything you do because of that is justifiable.

DO NOT give anything to him in writing.......even if he forces you to, the courts will give that letter a rat's ass because you can always write stuff under pressure or fear and it will not have any value in the court, but still you dont have to write anything down.

You have not been happy in a long time, so there is no point trying to save this marriage. You mentioned in your post that your mother asked you to go back to the US and try to work things out. It does not seem very promising and does not look like your falimy will be very supportive of your decision to go back to India. So, don't look at that as a easy route. Life as a divorced, single mom is FAR BETTER in the US than in India.

You mentioned that your husband has agreed to the separation and he himself mentioned it to your brother. This is GREAT!!! The biggest problem while getting separated is when one party does not agree with it. This makes it harder on the one trying to get separated. So, you are in a very good situation with him and you agreeing to the separation.

Take your emotions out of the situation and look at everything very objectively and in a business-like situation. The day you start treating your husband like any other 3rd person out on the street, your decision making will become easier.

FORGET completely about what your friends will say or think about your situation. You are the one living this life, not them!! Every other child in the US has gone through a divorce situation and this will in no way affect your daughter. Once she starts school, she will see this as a norm and not an exception. So, DO NOT ever let other's opinions affect your decision. Think of yourself as the lucky one getting to leave a bad marriage vs others who live in a bad one all their life for all the wrong reasons.

The first step for you will be to figure out if you can manage a house financially all on your own for a few months if you move out. If the answer is yes, then meet an attorney and figure out what the law says in your specific state where you are living. Each state has it's own laws regarding separation and divorce.....how long do you have to be separated before you can apply for a divorce?

Depending on who makes more money, child support will be decided. If you both make the same amount, then depending on whom the child stays more number of days with, the amount will be decided. If you both make the same amount, then you will not get any alimony. Alimony should be the least of your worries. If you can support yourself financially, just getting out of a bad marriage is a huge WIN!! The peace is PRICELESS!!

What works best for the child is JOINT CUSTODY where both parents stay close by and spend equal time with the child. She is his daughter too and he needs to be a responsible dad. He just can't divorce you and get off the DAD role so easily. He needs to work his ass off at work and then take care of her a few days in the week so he knows what it is to have a child. Or if you decide not to do this, he can have her just during the summers.......all this is a 2nd step. The first step is to talk to an attorney, file the papers in the court and move to a safe environment. Your husband will have visitation rights until everything is settled.

DO NOT leave the state or the country without filing papers in the court. Then your husband can say you ran off with his child and that will put you in a bad situation when it comes to custody. US courts give equal custody to both parents, so dont worry about what he tells you.

Good Luck and write to me at the address I gave you if you need to chat more. You are very bold and take care!!

hi Sihi, I know how you feel, I had ALOT of probs with husb, and il's after my delivery. I wanted to enjoy my baby, and here were all these people doing/saying all these bad things to me. My son is now almost 2, and things are pretty much the same with my husb, and il;s (they still want to hurt me), But the differnece is i JUST IGNORE< IGNORE.Please give carfeul thought before you make any decision. GOOD LUCK>


sash

Hello,

I read all the post and think I have gone thru the same issues. I think you should take decision based on the welfare of the child. I also liked the idea to access if you really love your husband. Reflect on how he behaves in front of your baby. I feel a major reason is that the baby is a daughter. I know in spite of the fact of whatever they say, IL's and husbands are still not that happy to have a daughter.. I agree it is tough to rear a child in US with no support specially if the partner is not helping..if you are financially sound, I would suggest getting help at home for cooking/cleaning before taking any drastic steps...First get the stress and fatigue out of the problem and then analyze with clear mind.