Need to know urgently

Sravanthi28 · Sep 3, 2007

Hi,
I have been married for 3 years and mine was a love + arranged marriage. we are very much in love with each other even though we had our share of rows now and then. We got married straight after college and so we stayed apart for 1 year until both of us got good jobs. In these 2 years, i was left all alone at home when my husband got to go to another place due to some work( almost 1 week at a strech each time). Both of our families & our common friends know about it & the only thing everybody spoke to me is about my safety .. etc. I somehow managed well without any complaints in his abscence. And i too had been to my mothers place thrice during these 2 years. And now comes the question ... when people came to know that he is going to stay alone for few days, almost everybody was teasing him .." so you are going to enjoy your bacherlorhood", "enjoy life. you dont know when the chance comes again" ...etc.
First time it was ok, but i was very sceptical & started wondering what was my hubby doing in my abscence. But he says that he misses me a lot . Later i found that this is the common topic between married men when their wived go out.
I have a question ... does married women too feel the same in their husband's abscence ? Do they feel liberated or try to make the most of it? And do all husbands feel the same way?

Sravanthi

rajmiarun · Sep 3, 2007

Sravanthi28 said: ↑

Hi,
I have been married for 3 years and mine was a love + arranged marriage. we are very much in love with each other even though we had our share of rows now and then. We got married straight after college and so we stayed apart for 1 year until both of us got good jobs. In these 2 years, i was left all alone at home when my husband got to go to another place due to some work( almost 1 week at a strech each time). Both of our families & our common friends know about it & the only thing everybody spoke to me is about my safety .. etc. I somehow managed well without any complaints in his abscence. And i too had been to my mothers place thrice during these 2 years. And now comes the question ... when people came to know that he is going to stay alone for few days, almost everybody was teasing him .." so you are going to enjoy your bacherlorhood", "enjoy life. you dont know when the chance comes again" ...etc.
First time it was ok, but i was very sceptical & started wondering what was my hubby doing in my abscence. But he says that he misses me a lot . Later i found that this is the common topic between married men when their wived go out.
I have a question ... does married women too feel the same in their husband's abscence ? Do they feel liberated or try to make the most of it? And do all husbands feel the same way?

Sravanthi
Click to expand...

Hi Sravanthi,
Such an thought provoking question. It is a bolt out of the blue. Will make a small research will all my friends (male and female) and will let you know. Just give me a days time. Will post what I found out. I can assure you that the answers will be quite genuine to that extent I can assure you. In my next post I will tell you what method I followed and what the answers were.

But let me tell you how I felt and I feel. It was immediatly after marriage, when my husband had to travel officially, I personally was so releived for I had my own space and time for full two days. I can read books, cook what I like and sleep whenever I feel like. It was a hell lot of time. He was busy officially with his boss and so he didnot have much time to think what I will be doing and also no means of communication bec 10 years back even a phone at home was a luxury so no way thinking of mobiles.

When my first kid came and when he went off on tour, I had kid to take care, at that time he was travelling one whole week and still now does that. Kids get to see him only during the weekends mostly. If he is in town he comes home early. So when he is travelling again the same thing. I need not cook twice. Just once heat it and eat it in the night. Cook what I like and train the kids to eat all sorts of food. Play with them, read for them.

But now he says when he is away even for a night's stay out he is missing his family. HE IS MISSING HIS FAMILY .

preethi27 · Sep 3, 2007

RamjiArun,

Ur reply was nice. It was transparent.

Preethi

Sravanthi28 · Sep 3, 2007

Hi Rajmiarun,
Thanks for your immediate response. I too use my time very effectively when he is not around but i dont understand why people congratulate men on such occasions.

Sravanthi

Cheeniya · Sep 3, 2007

Dear Sravanthi
Men congratulate each other whenever the wife goes on vacation. I remember how the Tamil comedian Janakaraj bids adieu to his wife and after making sure his wife boarded the bus lets out a yell 'En pondatti oorukku poitta!' (My wife has gone out of town)! But his joy lasts only for a moment as his wife lands back within a few minutes!

I dont know what happens to a woman when her hubby goes on a long trip or for that matter even a short trip. But I can tell you that it is for NO sinister reason that a man feels happy if he gets a small interlude from his family life. If you imagine that remarks like, 'You may not get this again, enjoy' etc are loaded ones, let me assure you that they are purely good-natured ones and not tantamount to suggesting anything illegal or immoral!

I have been away from my family for pretty long streches in my early days either due to my having to go on tour or my wife going to spend a month or so with her parents. The joy of that separation used to be mutual though for different reasons. I did use to feel liberated initially as basically it meant that I did not have to apportion my time between family and professional chores as well as my own personal pursuits like reading and listening to music. In the bargain, I always got less than my due share to pursue my own interests.

The first two or three days would be spent in clubs with friends without having to follow a rigid time schedule. The freedom to draw our own schedules for the day always gave a huge sense of freedom.

The joy of course would last only for the first few days. Then slowly it would start getting on our nerves as we made our own morning cuppa or left with no other choice for breakfast other than some toasted bread and cereals. It starts as physical discomfort initially which grows more and more emotional as the days drag on. Damn it, I miss her, we admit to ourselves reluctantly.

Then we send her a mail enquiring if she could come back earlier! And of course you dont have to rush back, we assure her but she gets the meaning alright and grins to herself.

Finally, the night before her arrival, we are as excited as a newly married man. We are present at the station an hour before the arrival of the train but the damn train is a couple of hours late! How we spend the time in the station for those three hours would be like doing virtual penance! And finally when the train arrives and she emerges out of the train as radiantly as ever (in spite of the long train journey), a grin connects our two ears!
oh, Sravanthi. These are indeed joys of life. Dont miss out on them by asking yourself unnecessary questions!
Sri

Mahajanpragati · Sep 3, 2007

dear sri,
i do hope Mr Cheeniya is right.yes i for sure know that thou i enjoy my husband's absence but i really miss him a lot.we (my son &me) joined him here in lagos after two mths of separation &i missed him each & every moment.this too after 4 yrs of marriage.
well i knew he too missed us lot because in these 2 mths,he used to call daily ,sometimes even twice a day.also would send me emails,e cards etc.
Here in Lagos usually women travel for a mth or two yearly leaving their husbands alone.what i have observed men usually indulge themself with too many drinks, then get ill &start missing there wives.
just have faith in him.

malspie · Sep 4, 2007

Dear Sravanthi,

I would like to tell you from my perspective. With my observations on married couple and here I would lke to say almost most of the men enjoy being away from their spouse while woman are too busy to think in that perspective as they are gifted with children and are too busy raising them up. She suddenly gears in to a father and mother role and doubly occupies herself, quite happy by sending a sms or giving a call to her husband.

While the reason for men enjoy being away from their spouse is coz they love freedom, they like to be a little carefree, which woman do not let them have in their presence. No smoking, no calling that friend, no being out so late, no no no. They obey, wait for such an opportunity and indulge in all the acitivities that they want to and come back for being bonded by the No's.

I move in large social circle and 90% of men do this.

vivbass · Sep 4, 2007

Dear sravanthi,nice thread .:clap
Dear cheeniya sir, u well said :exactly: . thatz what my hubby tells,if u r going to ur mom's place,i'll enjoy a lot,no one will question me what u did that or not,have proper food,plz keep the house clean like this no more questions atleast for atleast 2 weeks:mrgreen: ,but the thing is if i go to my mom's place within 2 days he'll start, no one is here to question me,fight with me,plz come home soon. he really miss me for fight & my torturing question,something i'll ask him daily.:mrgreen: actually he enjoys all this.
really i can't stay alone without him,no one will be a better company than hubby. i feel no need to cook,i can do whatever i want,but the thing is he never said do this,do that,(like what iam telling always to him).
but always v need a break like this sometime, our love will grow faster than b4.
dear chitra madam,thanx for pointing out this post.

Aarushi · Sep 4, 2007

Hi Sravanthi,

I have been married abt 6 yrs now and we had a love marriage.

My hubby travels about 4-5 days a week because of his job. We both miss each other terribly and talk to each other several times a day.

About the feeling of liberation that you asked about - I think one would get it if otherwise you are nagged or controlled by your spouse too much. In our case, both of us are happy enough in the way we live our lives...I never feel that because of my hubby I am constrained in doing stuff (and vice versa), so the feeling of being suddenly liberated doesn't arise (as I'm already feeling free)...

He is quite easy going and so when he's gone, I miss his presence and his company. When he is alone in the other city, mostly he stays at his hotel reading a book or goes out for dinner with colleagues...

About those friends of your hubby who made those wise cracks - it might be that they were just making cliche remarks...or it might be that they were thinking about themselves when they said that...

If I were you, I wouldn't think too much about these remarks...they seem to be harmless and just said for the heck of it. Don't read much into it.

rajmiarun · Sep 4, 2007

After posting my reply, I started a discussion with my husband regariding this and he started pointing out that I go out on tour and I am busy officially and you stay at home and you have given your points. Have you ever thought that of all those times I stayed in our home alone when you had been for delivery, or when you visit your parents with the kids during daughter's holidays?

Those are days when I had felt so lonely. For I had to cook, clean wait for the maid to come if she has not turned up lock all the room's doors keep those keys in the safest place and give the keys for the front door to the neighbour? Or when I come home early in the evening open the door and go home to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee (boil the milk and make the decoction as he never likes instant coffee).

The worst thing I ever face is having the keys of the house safe with me always whereever I go, and when the neighbours give me something like Rasam or Sambar to take it with rice (but he would have had dinner outside).

And when the day of me coming home, he had always made sure that the house is clean (with and without the help of the maid he had accomplished this task). Though he loves to have friends at home he says that he had never invited them when I am not around for he cannot entertain them properly. Though we fight, we shout at each other and we have lots of misunderstandings, we cannot be without each other for definitely we have get addicted to each other.

You all will be wondering about what I had said about having my own time when hubby is away, yes as an individual I needed my space, but still in all those times I had felt alone even though with kids around. As you need to share and discuss about so many things, thanks to the mobile and internet technology.