My marriage problems - looking for solution

Dude,

You have a problem. And the problem is YOU.

First of all, don't fall into the trap majority of Indians fall into... by over involving parents in everything. You discussed your sex life with your family??? What is wrong with you!!! That is private stuff and your parents and relatives have no right to know about it. Keep in mind, sex doesn't just involve your privacy... it involves HERS TOO! Please think before speaking next time.

Also, you are involving her parents too much. If you have a problem with her, work it out one on one, don't keep blabbering complaints to your mil/fil, and if you don't like one of them, keep your distance. But don't constantly lock horns with them and attempt a show down. Next time your mil opens up her big fat mouth to complain about how the wedding was held, tell her you are NOT INTERESTED and wedding day is done, over, in the past... and nothing can be done. Period. Then walk away and don't give her chance to grumble about ceremony anymore.

Have you ever stopped to think that her parents don't like you because you are abusive? Yeah, that's right... you're abusive. Do you think by beating her, you are going to convince her to have sex with you? Dude, every time you hit her, you are pushing her miles away from you. And your reasons for the abuse... sexual frustration... are pathetic. Sorry to be blunt, but if your sexual prowess is so insatiable... masturbate. But NEVER take out your frustration on your wife by physically abusing on her. That's just unforgivable.

And here's a news flash for you: sex with a condom isn't called "no sex", it's called "protected sex". By asking you to use a condom... your wife wasn't depriving you of sex. Sex with a condom is STILL SEX!!! Basically she just wanted to be safe and build a relationship with you before throwing a baby into the mix. AND SHE WAS RIGHT! So many women on this forum post problems that begin with "I'm married for 1 year and have a two month old baby". Having a baby too soon can turn into a HUGE problem, especially in arranged marriages where the couple has not had time previously to bond. Sex isn't just about physical gratification... it's about a spiritual bond and bond of love between the couple.... but you have treated it as a conquest to meet your physical needs. How do you think that has made your wife to feel? There were lots of better options to deal with this issue... like if you don't like condoms, ask her to go on hormonal birth control.

I think from now on you should stop spewing garbage about your wife's so called "bad character" and start examining the shortcomings in your own personality. You have admitted right here that you both verbally and physically abuse her. So what type of help are you looking for? The answer is obvious! You must get yourself under control. You MUST control your temper and NEVER abuse her again. Only then does this marriage have a chance at working. Until then, you will keep abusing, and she will hate you more and more... probably eventually she will dump you and find somebody more civil. Don't want that to happen? Then take a long hard look at the man in the mirror, and make some changes TODAY.

 

Is your wife working now? Is your wife willing to move India?

If you can't find job in Europe then some one had to adjust somewhere.
If you can find job in India, first find job and take house separately from your parents and don't live with your parents anymore, invite your wife and both of you build your relation from scratch. Tell that you are not going to listen to your family nor her mom and stay away from both the families.

I believe you wife have been very nice otherwise if some other women would have filed for divorce. If some argument going out of the control just walk away from the house but don't start the abuse. That’s very wrong thing to do.

Forget about her parents and just only think about your wife. Once you set your path straight then your wife can fallow the path by not involving any elders in your relation.

If both of you could spend time together without anyone interference then things could move easily.

There is nothing in your wife expectation about using condoms. Because she is the one who is going to get ready for pregnant and not you.

Anyhow things are not set well from beginning of your marriage and neither of you not able to reconginse the issues.It's issue of long distance realtion and you are frustated day by day with that relation.

Did you not discussed about how you are going to manage the long distance relation?Did you discussed before marraige that if you don't get job in Europe is your wife wants to relocate to India or not?

 

Being a MAN & a HUSBAND doesnt mean whenever you are upset and angry you would use rude words/shout at whom ever you come across / beat your wife...thats no way to show your dissatisfaction.

If you had control over your words and actions things wouldnt have been dragged to this extent. You are like that habituated abuser who shouts and beats others and apologizes..what is the use of apologizing when you cant stick to your words?? How can a wife or anyone else beleive you?

Marriage is a commitment and even before you both started your journey you had fought with her using rude words over phone?? and after that another major mistake of disclosing your bedroom issues to your parents and relatives..even before discussing and figuring out the problem iwth your wife?? Did you ever ask her or talk to her what was her problem with the physical relationship? whats bothering her? what are you both planning in future? about jobs, about kids , about settlement etc??? did you both have these discussions ??

I understand managing distance relationships is very difficult, but the way you potrayed it as if you were waiting for this girl in Europe all the while, then how come such kind of affection is not displayed to her when the marriage happened? Or do you think Marriage is all about SEXUAL SATISFACTION???

You have involved your relatives and parents in your bedroom issues and it had gone to an extent of her parents involving in all the issues going forward...

If you cant keep your mouth shut and explain things calmly, first of all you have to go for counselling on how to control your anger and correct your abusive behaviour. Over all if this is howyou were with your wife,I wonder how your relationship/behaviour will be with your kid in future? because everytime you get angry you cant beat up your kid isnt it??

Be a sensible person,
go for anger management,
talk to your wife on having some counselling classes together,
keep both of your parents aside, tell them not to involve in all these so that you and your wife can work on the issues together
Start looking for a job
Move to an apt of your own
Take care of your wife
understand each others expectations and limitations...

STOP BEATING & USING FOUL WORDS. NO WOMAN CAN RESPECT SUCH A MAN

 

Hello there,

The fact that you have posted all this shows that

1. you realize you have reacted unjustly (physical violence)
2. you do want your marriage to work.


The fact the you were not able to prevent yourself from physically and verbally abusing your wife shows that you need to work on your communication and dispute resolution skills. Better still try talking to counselors on how you can deal better with provocative situations.

A lot of women now-a-days want to wait a few years after marriage before getting pregnant. Nothing wrong with that. You seem to be adamant only about your own satisfaction. At this point do not make a big deal out of this issue. You have bigger things to resolve and do not loose the war over a battle.

You mentioned that during the marriage "certain commitments were not met". Do you mean dowry commitments?

Also, there are too many people in the picture, your and her parents. You guys need to work on developing respect and affection for each other.

 

I am a male & I'll try to answer from a masculine point of view. You said -

"Since I am a very self-disciplined and a person with more self control I had no bad habits like Drinking/Smoking and Girls etc."

Then why did you beat your wife? Why do you get angry every time you aimed for sexual satisfaction? Why do you keep getting angry on your wife? I am an aggressive person from birth, but I have never hit my wife! Being a man equates to being fearless & decisive as much as it equates to retaining self-control!! Do you really know who you are (or become)? Its never late. At least you need to acknowledge that you do feel guilty but you still cannot control yourself, which means there is a problem in you that YOU need to correct.

To start setting things right, you first need to take some anger management lessons. Why do you think your MIL cried & is murmuring to her daughter? Because she sees you bent on torturing her daughter with your anger tantrums and fear of another beating. Never again raise your hand on her, no matter what she does! Stop scolding her completely, until you finish your anger management lessons! After you complete the anger management program, I recommend you & she to go to a marriage counseling session or two.

In the meantime, start searching for a job & treat your wife gently. Do not put down her parents in front of her. Recollect your positive sides and show them to her. Sit down and have a chat with her mom & assure her that you will change & will control your anger from now on. If you need to go to India, then convince your wife to go with you & take her with you. Also, invite her mom.

In the midst of all this, god blessed you both with a child. Its time that YOU start taking responsibility for the safety of your wife. To prevent that responsibility sliding to your FIL or MIL, you need to start changing your behavior towards your wife ASAP.

 

Goosfraba !!!! (Anger management technique :biglaugh:biglaugh) for me after reading ur thread.

Just answer this... how self-disciplined person are you when you beat your wife badly?

Second, the problem is you. You cannot have sex right and your frustration is towards your wife? Please grow up and go to a doctor. Else please divorce her. Atleast your wife and ur unborn will have a safe life.

 

:rotfl I concur and second this opinion :rotfl


... except I would have addressed the OP as 'Mate' and not 'Dude' :rotfl

 

Wow man, what kind of respect you claim to have for women??? Beating your wife? You need serious help, as suggested by others go for anger management and therapy. You have been abusive to your wife, which should have been grounds enough for her to claim a divorce from you. I wonder what is it with Indian women who are unable to leave abusive husbands!!!

Your MIL is justly worried, how can she be not worried when her daughter is married to a man who beats and abuses her.

Let me tell you one thing, you only believe that you have respect for women, actually you have no respect for any woman, not even your own sisters, otherwise you would have never raised a hand on your wife. Go for therapy and marriage counselling before you turn into a regular abusive husband like other Indian males who live their married life's as per their parents whims.

Another piece of advise: stop thinking about "commitments not met" , it is these kinds of expectations that have ruined thousands of Indian marriages. Marriage does not mean trying to control your wife, if she was not ready for physical intimacy, you should have given her more time and asked her the reasons instead of forcing her. This is a very common problem, a woman cannot start having sex just the second day of marriage just because that kind of thing happens in India.! You should have tried to win her with love and affection instead of abusing her. Do you think married life can lead without love? Nowhere in your post do you mention that you ever had any feelings of love for her.

First of all, get a job, do not meet your wife unless you feel affection for her and your child, lest you end up abusing her again and affecting your unborn child in the process. Take anger management class, or do some meditation to quiet yourself. Stop taking your parents point of view in deciding what is good for you and your wife. You are old enough to take the responsibility of your own marriage. And last but not the least, LEARN TO RESPECT WOMEN FROM YOUR HEART NOT JUST IN WORDS!

 

You have grown up with sisters and a mother and you think its alright to hit a woman? Did you hit your mother and sisters? Would you like it if your sister's husbands hit them 'in anger'?

Get a LIFE. And let your wife live in peace.