Where should I stay - parents or in-laws

ramyav_cse · Feb 9, 2010

After failing badly at finding a job in the US, we have decided that I shall go back to India and try and find a job there while husband will continue working here for a few more months before he moves back to India(possibly 6 months)...the debate whether I should get back to India for this reason deserves another thread.
The question now that has been itching me where I should stay in my husbands absence. Both my parents and in-laws live in the same city and I have stayed with my in-laws for only 3 months in the 2 years of my married life. I have alwayz felt like a stanger there and faced a lot of issues like my room being micro monitored to be set up the way they liked, none of my belongings should be kept outside my cupboard(since I had just one rack offered I had most of my stuff kept in my parents place), different food habits etc. On the whole I felt totally out of place but it was manageable because my husband was with me then and we also knew that we were going to leave to the US and so I didnt mind it then. Now this time I personally have no inclination to stay with them especially when my DH is not with me but looks like there would have to be a struggle to get what I want.

I want ideas on how to get what I want without hurting anybody. My husband doesnt seem to understand when I say I wont feel comfortable and he says ' this is your house and this is where u should stay' . Plz help me :drowning

ShilpaMa · Feb 9, 2010

If parents & ILs are in same city & I were getting job there, my approach would have been as follows:

I know I dont share any great feeling with them, but will still land at their place when returning from US, stay there for a month, keep meeting parents, finding job. Typical inlaws of Indian society get a ego boost with this to avoid future bashings.
Next month goto parent's house to stay there, visit ILaws, start with job etc, then depending on the first month's experience will alternate monthly stay in each house until DH arrives or inlaws tell to stay at parent's house till DH is back. You cant burn bridges with ppl whose presence is inevitable in life.

A lot more arrangements are being done when they realise that the person is returning for good & will need an entire cupboard to store items.

Anuradha00 · Feb 9, 2010

ramyav_cse said: ↑

After failing badly at finding a job in the US, we have decided that I shall go back to India and try and find a job there while husband will continue working here for a few more months before he moves back to India(possibly 6 months)...the debate whether I should get back to India for this reason deserves another thread.
The question now that has been itching me where I should stay in my husbands absence. Both my parents and in-laws live in the same city and I have stayed with my in-laws for only 3 months in the 2 years of my married life. I have alwayz felt like a stanger there and faced a lot of issues like my room being micro monitored to be set up the way they liked, none of my belongings should be kept outside my cupboard(since I had just one rack offered I had most of my stuff kept in my parents place), different food habits etc. On the whole I felt totally out of place but it was manageable because my husband was with me then and we also knew that we were going to leave to the US and so I didnt mind it then. Now this time I personally have no inclination to stay with them especially when my DH is not with me but looks like there would have to be a struggle to get what I want.

I want ideas on how to get what I want without hurting anybody. My husband doesnt seem to understand when I say I wont feel comfortable and he says ' this is your house and this is where u should stay' . Plz help me :drowning
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Hi Ramya,

If you feel uncomfortable then don't stay with them. If they are good to you and treat you well that is different. But if they are not good to you, monitor you all the time, mistreat you etc then don't torture yourself. You will become depressed. It is not worth it. Just you put your foot down. Ask your hubby if he will stay with your parents if he returned to India without you! That will let him understand your perspective.

See, I am a person who believes in give-and-take. So if they are good to you, then you can adjust for things like food habits, family practices etc. It's not easy but it's doable. Abuse, scrutiny etc cannot be tolerated. If these are present then better you stay with your parents even if inlaws create hue and cry. Just be strong, girl and put your foot down. If you don't be strong then they will just take you for your ride and dominate and ill treat you for rest of your life. Don't let that happen.

VLR · Feb 9, 2010

Hi Ramya

I had the exact same situation last year when I had to go back for 3 months to work from India and my Dh stayed back in US. Even my in-laws and parents stay in the same city. Initally I felt very difficult to adjust to my in-laws house because the lunch , dinner timing would be always different and I had to constantly keep listening to my MIL's advices.. but I felt it would be unfair to spend all the time at my mom's place..
So i split my stay so as to spend 50% of time at my in-laws place and 50% at my mom's place. that way everyone is happy. Even my mother wanted me to spend sometime with my in-laws as she felt it would help building some bond within us.

So I ended up staying 50% of the time with them and it was not that bad after all.. I could manage without any major issues and end of the day everyone was satisfied and happy.

Try and see if you can work out a similar arrangement with your Dh. If your your in-laws dont respect you and mis-treat you, then it is a different story. But if it just "not comfortable" you might want to give it a shot by staying for a few days and try to adjust to their way.It is just a matter of few months.

ramyav_cse · Feb 9, 2010

Well ladies, they dont exactly mistreat me but they keep monitoring how I keep the cupboard,the room, what I keep in the toilet and how long the light is on in the night(they can see the light image from beneath the door)...all this used to make me feel that they behave this way bcoz I was staying in their house and sometimes even used to think if they meant we r increasing the current bill by putting the light on...they dont have a study room and so if we use the laptop at night, we tend to do so from our bed. Once I was using my portable hard disk and since I went to bed right away, I put the hard disk on the side table...the next day my FIL made sure he mentioned this...similar things with keeping the hair removal cream in the bathroom,keeping my shampoo bottle in the bathroom(infact we had one attached in our room and was used only by the 2 of us)...my FIL is big mouthed...he used to keep criticizing the company that I worked with(I worked for India's no.1 software company),my dads work place(hez a journalist and my FIL says that that particular newspaper is way too expensive for the news they offer...he was talking about India's leading daily , my mom is with a nationalized bank and he says private lockers are better than bank lockers and his comments are never ending....
I used to brush all these things off then since my hubby was a big support....
anywayz as u gals said, I will try to split my stay between the two houses and try my best at not answering them back.

Foundlove · Feb 9, 2010

Definitely try to adjust.However keep few things in mind..

If they talk ill about you or your parents just say very nicely " dad..since my parents work there if you critisize that place I feel you are critisizing them.So please don't say so at least in front of me" That should stop some of it.

Always be polite that helps.

You can go to visit your parents every weekend and tell this in advance to your husband. Say that you are concerned for them so you want to see them on weekends at least.

Try to send some money from US to buy a separate cupboard or something for your room.

Last but not the least..you are newly married so you must try to stay here with your husbamd...jobs come and go...

Hope this helps..

ramyav_cse · Feb 10, 2010

Thanks foundlove...I will try to put up with them as much as I can but I cant keep smiling at all the rude remarks he gives...Im thinking of splitting the time between my parents and IL's...and about staying with husband, itz a long story....DH and his family is so desparate about me working that they all feel itz ok for us to stay separated or he getting back to india as he can also work for the offshore unit of his company as long as I work... I dont want to discuss on not going back on accounts of job as I have no say on this...itz all decided and the more I think of it, the more I will go into depression...

divs · Feb 11, 2010

Ramya,

In my opinion, if you aren't comfortable then just stay put at your parents' place the entire six months and don't worry about it. What is important is your peace of mind and sanity. Don't worry about right or wrong here but just do what makes you feel happy.

Anuradha has expressed it very well here when she says: "Ask your hubby if he will stay with your parents if he returned to India without you!". Its high time we shed aside these expectations that after marriage, a girl should be more involved with her husband's family than her very own. Just do what makes you comfortable and face your husband boldly. After all, you will be home with your own parents and family - people you've known a lot longer than your in-laws and even your husband.

Good luck.

ramyav_cse · Feb 13, 2010

Yes Divs, Ive decided Ill split the stay(they live in 2 different parts of the city and Ill choose where to stay in the week and where in the weekends depending on where I find a job)...The other day when my DH and I had an argument reg this, I asked him this question and his answer was that it was irrelevent :rant
Afterall men are men :bonk

purnima22 · Feb 13, 2010

Ramya,

I was in a similar situation when I stayed with my inlaws for 3 mths. I felt all my movements are seen through a microscope.

The reason for my visit was diff as I had gone temp to attend a wedding.

Despite my parents and DH suggestion, I wanted to stay with inlaws and later on regretted.

These days unless my DH is with me I never stay with my inlaws. If my DH does not stay with me then I stay with my parents.

I ignored everyone's advice initially and ended up piling up all the pain of dealing with inlaws. Inturn would end up discussing all of this with DH. end of the day he would tell me, there was no need for me to go through all of this.

My suggestion is if you get along well 100 % with your inlaws then its ok go ahead and stay with them i.e if they treat you well.