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I am going through a bad patch now and am running into more and more problems day by day - all stemming from the single fact that my husband does not like my being independent. He wants me to quit my job. I am taking the liberty to write down the happenings in my life and my feelings. It is going to be a very long post.
I do not know where to start. Perhaps this will give some background.
problem with investing - really a problem?
Much has happened in the months that followed the above thread. I got an opportunity to work part-time and I seized it. My husband was the one who kept egging me on to get a job and go to work, as he felt I was idle at home, that my parents spoilt me by chatting with me, that he is slogging all the time while I simply enjoy the fruits of his labor. He wanted me to bear the household expenses on going to work and relieve him of some pressure.
I am a great believer in the fact that it is best if a mother can give her child full attention and be a full-time mom, till the child is a little older and goes to school. But I gave in to my husband's idea of working, as he offered to look after the kid by staying at home when I go to work, in case I get a part-time job. So, I started looking for part-time options and landed one. DH's job was such that he could also work from home on certain days, and we both had flexible working times. I was not keen on going to work, but still started working, because I left DD with none other than my own husband who will care well for her when I am away. Life went on well, as he started believing me that my parents indeed do not spoil my mind. I used to get up really early and go to work so that I can come back in time for DH to go to work at some reasonable time. On other days, I used to go late in the afternoons and come back late.
Coming to DD, she is a super clingy child. I have been fixing playdates and taking her to toddler groups for over a year now, at least once a week, to get her used to others and become less clingy. She has been improving a lot, but is still clingy when compared to other kids of her age.
Before working, I had made my mind to save in a better way (than blindly handing over everything to DH/fil as before). I never confronted DH about his practice of sending everything to his father, but informed him that I wish to take up some responsibility for our child and our future and will save my salary myself, to which he agreed. (Little did he think that I will really stick to my words later.) He behaved well with me. Time passed by, 1 month, 2 months. He transferred all my salary again to India (I had specified our joint account to my employer as that was the only account I had here). I was given absolutely no idea of what happens to the money once it reaches India, except for vague remarks like “Appa will take care of it”, “Appa knows what to do”, etc. From their conversations (they speak daily on the phone from his workplace and in the weekend from home), I gathered that his dad invests lakhs in his own and my mil's names. Some amount my husband invests in his name. But even that is mostly joint investment with my fil. One day, I gently asked my husband to let me save my salary as agreed upon, in some deposit here. He got wild and said that he cannot do anything like that without involving his father. Later, I asked him the password of our joint account, telling him that if he cannot save my salary, I will save it myself. He plainly refused. So, I opened a new account for myself (in my name only) and told him about it. He became furious and acted as though greatly offended. He started accusing me of not trusting him, and even started cooking his own food, as I am separating everything - our bank account, my salary, him from his parents, etc. I told him that I did this because he went back on his promise of letting me save my salary myself. In frustration, he started laying down new rules - that I should bear ALL our expenses since the day I started working. I would literally be left with nothing to save in that case, and so, I agreed to just bear a share - namely groceries, vegetables, other daily expenses. Things died down after a few months.
Then, slowly, my benefits at job started increasing. They gave me a new laptop, treated me well at office and I started becoming a part and parcel of the team. I could not spend a lot of time at work, but somehow, I managed and they were satisfied with my work. My boss was (and still is) very flexible and understanding and I enjoyed working.
As the days passed, I slowly mustered the courage to speak to DH about properly saving our money and planning for our future. I was careful never to say things that meant I do not trust his dad, but still, he got the message that I am not happy with the current arrangement. He told me that getting his father out of this would bring a HUGE split in his family and he does not want to do it. He can slowly reduce the amount of investments made in his father's name. He told me that right now, he sends everything to his (joint) account with his father and is not investing in any scheme really, and that should be enough for my peace. I have been asking him for all the details of investments made, to make sure we invest only in our names, etc. But, recently, I came to know that his mother is also investing in schemes everywhere (even GRT jewellery shop), and that DH has nominated her for new investments. DH has now asked his father to look for a house.
Now and then, he alludes to the fact that I cheated him by not revealing to him the exact amount of money I had saved before marriage. (I do not want to write in detail about this as I have already written in another thread). He often tells me to throw the money I earned before marriage to my father and close my account in India, because we were anyway wrong in not revealing this to them before marriage or handing over control to them. This is an old problem, which he likes to bring up now and then. I wanted to settle this problem once for all and told him that I will nominate him for that bank account when we go to India next. He did not complain for some time, but is back to it now. He thinks that I should not have anything to do with that money although it is mine. (This, I feel is one of his excuses for behaving the way he does. He tries to find faults in me all the time I ask him something and this is one thing he is fond of accusing me of, apart from the evergreen accusation that my parents do not respect him).
Two months back, my mil wanted to come here and stay with us for some months because she wanted to be with her son. DH was hesitant to invite her (he didn't tell me this, of course). But I gave the green signal, saying that DH should take care to see that there are no fights. But, DH wanted me to give up my job and be at home as long as my mil was here! I plainly refused. But I agreed to cook for her all the meals, except when I am at work in the morning. My mil came here. She is very aloof towards me (we ran into big problems during our last India trip, hence her anger). I tried doing the necessary to her and being courteous. Did not pamper her. Slowly, we got into the groove and started getting along.
(Continued in next post).