husband forcing me to quit my job - help!

Dear ladies,
Thanks again for all your replies and beautiful words of encouragement. That is what I need now!

Srividya, thanks for all your ideas.

Hmmm. I understand what you mean by this. You are asking me to give him the same space that I have snatched from him for myself. It is indeed true if we look at it from his point. The thing is, I have been keeping my account open to him and updating him of its status; but now, he wants to get rid of me from his account. Well, if that will satisfy him, I will do that.
But, what if he lashes it out on me like the daycare incident? What if he says later that I should not have signed it although he gave me the forms? He is ready to throw all blame on me...

Priya, thanks for all your ideas and encouraging words. What I am now in terms of a courageous and smart person, I owe entirely to ILites. Not even to my parents, all credit goes to IL, to the wonderful advisers here and the patient listeners.

Hmmm... if only I can treat my husband and mil like I treat my child when she makes trouble! Would be tempted to give them a piece of my mind! :crazy

Dear Preethi, thanks for replying and for your comforting words. I get your point(s).

True, I agree to that. Their way of life was different from ours. But, the irony is that, now, it is my fil who does everything in their house - mopping the floor, cutting vegetables, grinding idli batter, from washing clothes to putting them in the closet, even drawing kolams! All my mil does is cook the vegetables and rice and serve them food. Now, since my mil came here, my fil is getting up at 5 am to make breakfast and pack lunch for my bil (who is still doing his studies). When her husband can help her so much, why shouldn't mine get up at 7:30 or 8 am, why shouldn't he throw the garbage or bathe DD?

After all, these rules are different for her+her daughter and for me. :bonk:bonk

They are not satisfied and keep cribbing whether I do things one way or the other. Both mother and son are like that!


As some of you have suggested, I will tell DH clearly email DH one last time that I am waiting for my deposits to mature and will consolidate everything into a single account in my name once they mature, nominating him. Whether he accepts or not, I am not bothered. If he protests, I will nominate DD.

After reading all your replies, I am becoming more determined to carry on with my job and never give up. I hope God will show me the way and make DD adjust to her playschool by March.
Sandhya

 

My mil's visit has taken a new twist. She put up a big scene with both of us present that she wants to go back to India this weekend. My husband was not willing to convince her by himself to stay back. He wants me to be there too and listen to her woes. So, I asked her why, and she replied that she is greatly distressed and her mind is affected. I did not speak a word and continued my work. She went on, "You are both not living like a married couple. I am very unhappy to see that." Dh said, "why do you think we have problems?". My mil said, "I know. I can find that from your behavior. Are you both behaving the same way (to me and to each other) like you behaved when I was here last time around? Problems happen in very marriage. I thought that the problems you faced about 1 year back are all over. Still, there is something wrong here. My health is being spoilt. I cannot take it anymore. I get panic attacks and I am already unhealthy. What will happen if my health deteriorates quickly in 2 days? I cannot even travel back then. Even while I am talking now, I am feeling unwell." She started shivering and sat down. Her voice trembled. :shaking:"I want to leave now. I cannot keep witnessing whatever is happening here. My husband is sweating it out in Chennai, getting up at 5am and cooking; he is an old man. I dont have to undergo all this ?: :?...". She paused. I told her, carefully choosing words, "Do not trouble yourself by worrying about the problems between us. We will resolve them ourselves. You have come here to be with your son. Relax and enjoy the remaining months and be happy with your granddaughter." She went on, "You cannot say that I need not bother about your problems. It is not my nature not to take notice of how well my children lead their lives. I am not like other parents who dont care about their child after marrying them off. I thought I will come here and be happy; but I can only see my son being unhappy. I have seen married couples. Even my daughter lives in a foreign country. And she also has many problems. But, do they behave like you two? If my son were of the confiding type, he would have told me all his problems. (Then, how come she knew about the daycare incident if he didn't confide in her?? Or was it all her suggestion?) My son told me that you are ready to send your child to daycare. Is that right? Dont you remember that it was you who spoke against sending children to daycare 2 years back when we discussed what your own friend was doing? (That was a nasty episode; 2 years back, I was telling my mil in all my innocence about a friend who joined back work in 3 months after baby was born. That time, she dragged me to a fight and shouted at me that "Whether you should go to work or not, it is your husband and parents-in-law who decide. As a good dil, you must simply obey our command. Wont I look after your child? Do you doubt me?")"

"Why do you want to go to work now? Are you not happy with the money my son earns? If money is all that you want, we will happily hand over all our property to you and make you lead a peaceful life." Dh interrupted, saying, "There is no problem as you think between us... the only problem we face now is that I am asking her to stop working from April and be a full-time mom till DD turns 4 and starts regular school." My mil replied, "Your wife says something like she does not want elders to guide you both and that you two will resolve all your problems yourselves. I cannot leave it like that." She continued to me, I myself have been mistreated by my mil (which is true). Don't I treat you well? You tell me. If you were a mil in my situation, what would you do? bla-bla-bla I cannot stand these things anymore. I want to go back to India."

Much to my surprise, instead of cajoling his mother to stay back, he kept pushing her to fly back! :idontgetit: he kept on asking her, "Decide once and for all and tell me now if you are leaving on Saturday. I need to speak to appa, change your flight tickets, etc. etc. If you keep thinking and thinking, prices will increase"!!! I was simply surprised, but only recollected the fact that DH has always been trying to send her back whenever she said she is feeling unwell... Why does he do this?? I am afraid he will coax her to go back and later blame me for it!

I didn't speak anything. Just went about cooking. My mil stated that we will decide later in the evening.

This confirmed the fact that DH spoke to his mom (or she told him to try that trick on me, I dont know) about daycare. Why did he speak such things to her?? I am pissed off with him.

It is true that I am not behaving in the same meek way as last time. I do not pamper her. But, I try to take very good care of her needs. What else does she expect? Sleep in our bedroom again?? I ignore her and do not consult her for everything, which is what pissed her off, I believe.

Also, I am beginning to doubt if he said anything about our financial disagreements to her... why did she say she will give us all their property? Who wants it anyway? Is that to simply show that she is sacrificing everything to tame one witch of a dil?

All this drama, when in fact, she has seen very little of our fights. DH shouted at me once in front of her on the festival day. And obviously yday, he told her something about the daycare. That is all she knows of our "fights".

Overall, she tried dragging me to a fight, saying leading things, but I kept ignoring everything. She had assumed that I will pick up her hints and start arguing with her, and proving that I am right, just as I used to get worked up earlier. I was simply disinterested and showed little attention to her and that disappointed her to the core. She would have been much more disappointed by the fact that DH didn't accuse me after that, but spoke gently to me and left to work.

It is in fact, I, who am at the receiving end of all their hurtful words. If my mil can get so upset by hurting me, how much upset will I become on getting hurt??

Once DH left, her character changed completely. She became very chirpy. Unlike yesterday, she played very well with DD, spoke and sang to her, chopped veggies and even said something to me on her own. She offered to feed DD and even started singing film songs, which she rarely does. If she is indeed so unwell and is shivering and trembling, how can she became alright so quickly?? That beats me! :confused2:

To me, it just looks like she was waiting to pull off this drama of being hurt and disappointed to see the way we live. Probably she thought we will fall at her feet, seek her pardon and ask her to guide us in future. And also that I will give up my job and start pampering her once again full-time. We did nothing of the sort.

Later, DH called from work to know if he must rebook her tickets. She quickly told him not to do anything of that sort and not to breathe a word about all this to his father. :roll:

I am not sure how to handle it if they say something to my fil about this and he questions me. He is short-tempered and will definitely ask me what is wrong. How do I politely tell him to leave us sort out our problems ourselves?

What should I tell DH now? I am having a slight suspicion that he deliberately let these matters be known to his mom, who would eventually tell his father, in the hope that they will butt in and do what he cannot do - make me quit my job and do just the family duties - cook, clean and take care. I am also at a loss how to handle it if fil asks me questions like, "Why did you ask my son for taking over your investments? Dont you trust me?"
Thanks again!
Sandhya

 

Priya, Thanks for your reply. Yes, he is good at playing mind-games. I started realising that only some time back!

I hope this will work, Priya. I will try these statements next time. He uses it more to scare me like a kid, "I will complain to your parents". He himself hesitates to do anything like that, as we ran through a LOT of problems after he complained to my dad a year back by a hate-mail.

Thanks for your suggestions!
Sandhya