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Veg wife and non-veg husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by budugu, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    I think your mom is being very unreasonable, I think she has more issues from your wedding that she has not overcome. All customs and rituals should not be forced on someone else and no one has the right to do that.
     
  2. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Seconding what others are saying. You cannot keep all concerned happy. If there are separate vessels for veg/non-veg, you can put away the non-veg vessels out of sight when your mom visits and assure her the kitchen has been cleaned and purified with ganga jal when she comes to visit. But to keep her happy it is not fair to ask your husband and your MIL to give up something that they are used to.

    I am a marwari vegetarian married into a meat-eating family from UP. We had an inter-caste love marriage and my dh did not cook meat in the house for the 1st 5 years of our marriage, only ate outside. Then he started making it at home. I do not even have separate vessels for veg/non-veg and my mom was not too happy about the situation. So whenever she visits my house now, she will not offer the food cooked to god as prasad.

    Big deal. I can live with that. God is in my mind and as long as my heart is pure I don't think he/she really cares whether prasad is being offered or not!
     
  3. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Good point Ajith.

    Budugu,
    I can understand that your mother is very particular about having no non-veg anywhere around the house (not even in the past). But, she will have to come in terms with the reality - You are in USA, not India!!!
    In US, only a very small percentage are vegetarians.So,like Ajith pointed out, unless you are the first occupants of your house/apartment, chances are that non-veg was cooked in the house in the past.

    That being said, when your mother is in US and you take her to some place to eat out, i doubt if it will be posiible to get something from a kitchen where non-veg has never been cooked.

    The only option to keep your mother happy and be fair with your MIL that i can think of is the following -

    Let your MIL cook and eat non-veg when she is in USA.
    After she leaves, look for an apartment that has not been occupied before by non-vegetarians , trash all your old set of utensils and get a brand new set (that is never exposed to non-veg)

    But, obviously it is too much of hassle and wasteful expenditure each time your mother visits.
     
  4. NishaR

    NishaR New IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    All sensitive issues in the family needs to be handled very carefully without hurting & losing any1 in ur family, also making sure every1 are happy. It's all abt communicating.

    1) Tell ur hubby & MIL that u are going to lie 2 ur Mom that nobody cooks meat at ur place ( looks like ur MIL & hubby will understand, as this shows that ur are a step ahead & making them happy, giving them enough freedom. At the same time you have the responsibilty to make ur mom happy).

    2) Do lie to ur mom that ur hubby & MIL are not cooking meat at home & make sure to tell her that they do eat meat outside (just 2 make sure that she believes it)

    3) Make sure you keep your family happy. I don't think your husband or MIL never asked u 2 eat so as an indiviual u don't hv rights 2 stop them from eating meat (sorry for being a bit rude here & i'm not supporting ur hub or MIL as i personally don't eat meat).

    4) Both ur MOM & MIL stand in the same position, our age is there expereince. Once you are married, it is not neccessary that u should always listen either 2 ur Mom or MIL. Sometimes 2 both... Sometimes not 2 any1.

    5) If ur Mom visit's ur place, reqeust ur MIL not 2 cook, she will understand ur problem.

    6) Get some books for ur mom abt these problems. Make her understand the history, even our Bhramin ancestors were only eating meat in the very ancient days :)

    Also if u get some time, google & prepare some receipes which will substitute the Non-Veg taste,(Soy - Meal maker) & talk 2 ur husband abt the global warming stuffs.... eventually he might even stop eating Non-Veg which will be a sustained solution.

    Don't worry too much... everything will be fine. Do share your experience later.

    Bye for now
     
  5. budugu

    budugu New IL'ite

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    Thank you for all the great advise and your inputs.

    One request though, please donot trash my mom. She is a wonderful,smart woman who has worked really really hard for our family. Without her guidance I wouln't be where I am today. She is very understanding and more like a friend to me than my mom and this is the one issue that I cannot get thorugh to her becuase she hates non-veg so much. That is teh reason I cannot just tell her to keep out of it. She is my mentor in life and just becuase I chose my husband I cannot say that she doesnot have anything to do with my lifestyle now. I prefer to make her understand and get her approval.

    Nisha - As I said, I am really concerned abotut he lying part becuase one fine day my MIL, knowing her, will boast in front of everyone and my mom will feel cheated. Thank you so much for thinking through the process.

    Ananthy - I am certainly not making a big issue out of the meat eating thing right now. I am just trying to figure out a good way of dealing with it.

    guys, I am definitely not concerned about my MIL asking me to eat meat. Everyone knows I will never do that.

    ajain35- I am not discussing this with my husband right now becuase I know it is a touchy subject for both of us and I wanted to clear my head and get advise of friends here so that I don't get emotional when I talk to him.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Budugu... where did anyone "trash" your mom? Nobody said she wasn't wonderful or smart or anything else. It's just that she, like your mil, have no place interfering in your married house... and that's not just my thought, pretty much every other lady here said the same thing.

    One side you say the reason for this fuss is she hates non veg.... yet you already mentioned that you think she is creating this drama because she is upset with your choice of husband. She is a pure vegetarian... how do you think she will ever "approve" of meat eating? That doesn't make sense! Why are you trying to force your mom into approving of something she doesn't like? Why can't you just live by your rules in your house, and live by her rules in her house?

    Her expectations on your dh are extremely unfair. It would be like your mil expecting you to become a meat eater. You picked your dh, you went against your mom to do it, now stand by your dh's right to live as he wants in his house. Your dh is not your friend, or a visiting guest, or a neighbor... he is your spouse and his feelings should take precendent over your moms demands. If today you let your mom boss your husband around, don't be surprised if your dh let's HIS mom do the same to you. You can tolerate your mom's drama because you love her and she is your mom... but your dh might not accept her criticism with the same patience. So proceed with caution. This issue is NOT worth upsetting your dh or mil over. And since you respect your mom so much, I really don't think you should lie to her.

    Why is it that you have to convince her, or she has to convince you? Can't you both just agree to disagree?
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  7. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    B,

    No one is ' trashing ' your mom .. Please. They are just asking you to set your priorities in life straight. All of us have mommies ourselves, B. None of us got dropped down from sky.. So why would anyone trash anyone's mommy ? Think.

    You are getting way to emotional and that is the issue here. Your mommy must have been a smart and good hearted lady, but that doesnt mean she tells you how to lead your married life. Period.

    There needs to be a line drawn. You need to draw it. If you cannot and expect your hubby or his mommy to ' adjust ' then, wait till they start saying just the way you did ! It is going to be a new thread here then.

    Dont mess up things. Talk to your mommy and say, You are an adult. You married a guy of " your " choice which means, you accepted him as he is. He doesnt want you to change and same holds good with you. Now, that is MARRIED LIFE ! Which is between you and your husband.

    As Ajith said, what about the previous tenants who have lived there and would have cooked meat. You cannot get way too stubborn when you live in a different country. Your husband, seems to have a lott of love and respect for you and your family , when he is covering up the entire thing to your parents or cooking on seperate vessels. Your MIL isnt making a big deal off it too. So, when no one is fussing and your life is going smooth, you want to get emotional over what your mommy would feel when she visit you once or twice in a year for just 2 months. You rather dont think too much of what your husband must be feeling who lives with you forever.

    Had you been so emotional about your mommy, you must have taken care when you fell in love, B . Dont you think ? You went against them in many issues and what now ?

    I think you are not drawing the lines here and messing up with things. You must understand, in a love marriage on side of emotions are always hurt. We need to make a decision " who " it would be.. Us or Parents. If it has been parents, then we need to respect that Us part FOREVER. We cannot say, Ok then I hurt my parents now is the time to payback and hurt ourselves. Makes no sense.

    My opinion, a frank talk with mommy and ask her wether her agony towards meat is more important that daughter's married life ! You can go according to her reply.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  8. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Budugu,

    I concur with most of the posters here - you need to speak to your mother about it.

    As I see it : What exactly is the issue here? Your husband was cooking meat and your mother knew of it. Your mother-in-law also must be aware that your husband cooks meat in the house. So, the issue is probably that you don't want your mother-in-law telling your mother that she cooked meat in your house.

    My advice is this : You cannot control your mother-in-law. Even if she agrees not to mention it now, how can you be sure she won't do it sometime later? Maybe inadvertently?

    And talking to your husband about this is a bad idea, in my opinion. He will definitely feel you are putting the concerns of your mother over the wishes of his mother.

    The best thing you can do is to talk to your mom. Tell her that you cannot prevent mom-in-law from cooking here. Tell her you are sorry about that, and gently reassure her that the vessels will be kept separate, and she need not worry about that. She might resist or complain when you say so, but keep at it.
    She is your mother, after all, she will definitely come around.
     
  9. Muskaan7

    Muskaan7 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Budugu,

    I second others' opinion over here.

    I would have suggested that you lie to your mom, but since you dont want to do that you need to have a frank talk to her. Tell her that DH and MIL are using separate vessels for nonveg food and you cannot do anything more than that. I feel that if you ask DH to tell his mum not to cook nonveg food in the house, it will create issues later on. As the others have rightly said, when you married him you accepted his eating nonveg so dont try to change anything now.

    Most of the issues arise with either side of inlaws trying to oppose or interfere their kid's way of life. It might look like a small matter now but if you try to tell MIL not to cook nonveg stuff, she might not like it and it MAY unncessarily cause problems in your marriage. Your mum just has to learn to deal with it. What is your dad's take on this? Can you ask him to make mommy dearest understand?

    She may say that she wont visit youll etc etc but maybe she is just saying that to force you not to have any nonveg food cooked in your house.

    All the best.
     
  10. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    You know budugu, I have a feeling your mom is still in the adjusting/accepting phase of your marriage. This is one way for her to vent out her reservations. You have been married for only six months, your MIL is visiting and you don't know when your mom will visit you (I am assuming). 9 on 10, by the time she visits hopefully for a wonderful occassion, either to deliver your baby or some other nice function like that, she would have had more time to reflect/accept and also would have had a chance to see how happy you are. So give her the time she needs. Meanwhile you know your MIL may not keep quiet about her cooking or your mom may somehow come to know about it. So, it may not be in your best interest to keep your mother in the dark. You don't have to talk deliberately about it I feel - when there are no issues (touch wood) this should not become an issue and get blown out of proportion. It may be big deal for your mom now, but you can definetly try and deviate the subject whenever possible and speak of all the good things, more in the line of how much you respect her, how you think of her as your friend (all the good things you have said about her here) and how you cannot wait till she comes visits you and sees you happy in your marriage thus subtly indicating you really don't want to speak about it. She might complain, but believe me, it is your mom and when the time actually comes, she will be happy for you. Finally I understand your mom may have reservations, but it will all work out, you should just stop worrying about it and simply let it be as part of your life and make your mom feel it. Good luck and enjoy.
     

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