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is premarital sex right?

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by anurajiv, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    I concur with Khushboo.Having premarital sex with mutual consensus is fine as long as they take precautions.

    I dont believe "purity" has anything to do with being a virgin. What if Ms. X is a virgin, but a horrible person who makes her DH's life hell? Would her purity by "offering her virginity" mean a lot? I doubt it.

    Anyway, this is JMO. I feel the popular belief that " Good Indian women are not supposed to have sex" is total hypocrisy.
     
  2. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Correct me if I am wrong?!!!

    I understand, the OP asked whether pre marital sex is all right or not? The question is not about having multiple sex partners, but having sexual affair with someone you love before your actual wedding date.

    To be frank, I had sex with my would be (you can say my boy friend then) a couple of times before marriage. My boy friend turned out to be my husband now as we are married.

    According to me, the word "purity" has nothing to do with being a virgin on your first night. What matter is, how pure your heart is, and how much love and affection you both have on each other.

    I personally believe, it is all right to have sex with your partner with the hope of going for a long lasting relationship. This happens naturally in many cases. It is safe, and has fever social issues, as long as you gotta marry your lover and have safe sex.

    But, I don't accept the idea of having multiple sex partners before marriage, or experiencing sex as a matter of fun with a new dating partner without having any emotional bond, or long term plans. Though it could be hided from social stigma, the mental agony kills slowly, when you are not being able to openly share your past with your spouse.

    It is just my personal openion only!
     
  3. misa

    misa New IL'ite

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    In my humble opinion, pre-marital sex is ok as long as the 2 of them are committed to each other in other words as long as the sex itself is pure and clean. Sex is not dirty. Even in mythology there is something called "Gandarva vivaha" . I believe that is pure commitment to each other. This response is in assumption that the premarital sex is between he 2 people who are getting married. In such cases where the sex was not between the married couple, its always better to inform the other person before the marriage. I say that because I believe marriage should not be based on lack of trust or lies.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2010
  4. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    I'm glad to know most of you ladies have a very enlightened, mature and non-judgemental view about premarital sex.

    For me it is quite simple.
    I personally would want to save myself for my husband. But I would also like him to save himself for me. I believe intimacy is something very personal, so I would feel very strange sharing it with someone I didn't feel would be my cherished soul mate...even then it was a very scary thought to give myself physically to a man because I was a very introverted girl at heart with an extrovert personality - if that makes any sense.

    But I know either way my partner would not mind if I were not a virgin at marriage as long as I was honest (no lying, dishonesty) and faithful to him and only him when we are married, and vice versa.

    I feel there is a double standard when it comes to us women being expected to be virgins at marriage but men can 'try out' the field and 'sow their wild oats' before marriage.
    So I try not to impose this standard on other women because ultimately you are not marrying a piece of meat or a - sorry to be crude - a stretch of membrane (virginity), you are marrying a wonderful woman who is going to be your wife, lover, carer and a mother to your children for life.
    Her personality, her character, her love, compassion, faith and all that she is, is far more important than any decisions or mistakes - if you perceive them to be - she made in her life before you.

    After all, men who expect us to be virgin - are they all 100% virgin as well?

    So even though I think it is better to give the gift of love and intimacy to our spouses, we must also realise that people are free to make their decisions and choices - whether it is right or wrong depends on the intentions.
    After all, a man could marry a girl, have sex with her and divorce her, or promise her marriage and make a gullible girl do silly things and vice versa.

    We have to take into account that everyone is entitled to their own views. We have to see the intentions as well.
     
    GlobetrotterG and jennysrik like this.
  5. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    Well said!
    Even if virginity is considered "pure and clean" physically what does it matter if spiritual and in heart this person is not 'pure and clean'?
    Is there all to life than the physical?

    Should we judge a person merely based on the absence or non-absence of virginity?
    Are we as a society so shallow that perhaps we will condemn a man or a woman for not being virgin, but they are wonderful, caring, loving, faithful people who didn't lose it because they were promiscuous or carelessly/recklessly having crazy, irresponsible multiple sex partners but did it maybe out of love/marriage which didn't work out?
     
  6. ushae

    ushae Silver IL'ite

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    It is fine to read in a forum or see in a film such gestures.

    How many of us are ready to accept a bride or even bride groom for our son/brother/daughter/sister if she or he openly declares that he had sex with some one due to "unavoidable" reasons
     
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    In this day and age, I hope many of us will accept. It really is no big deal, unless one makes it a big deal.

    The commitment after the marriage however *is* a big deal.
     
  8. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ushae,

    I will be frank with you.
    I am a person who practises what I preach...even what I have written in a forum. :-D

    It all depends on intention.
    You see, if this person was honest enough to tell me (or my sibling/loved one/friend they are being selected to marry or in love with) that they have had sex due to 'unavoidable reasons', I would further ask them why they did it.

    No one in life is perfect.
    Even you must have made some mistake in your life - as did your siblings, etc etc.
    If no one gave you a chance due to that mistake and condemned you for it, it wouldn't be fair - only God is perfect!

    As much as we try we want to see the best for our loved ones. But we have to live by this "Treat others how you want to be treated".

    Do you want to be condemned for making a mistake?
    As much as we try to live and be taught by honest and good values sometimes when we believe something is right or real (even if it is not) and make an honest mistake, I believe we should all be given a second chance.

    If this person told me this 'unavoidable mistake' was just some girl/boy that he/she slept with and so and so I would actually even go and talk to the person involved and ask about this person.
    Were they in love?
    How long were they in love?
    What made them break up?
    Etc.

    From there you decide this person is of good character and really did make an honest mistake which they didn't intend to.

    For example:
    A girl thought she loved a boy very much and they did it. They tried to stay together but something bad happened and they couldn't.
    The girl is devastated but goes on with her life, is a good person. Later perhaps I look upon her bio for my brother or she falls in love with my brother.

    Honestly I will not judge her for making such a mistake if I know she is a good person, good character, honest and has a good heart.
    Even more so if she is in love with my brother.

    But I will advise her and my brother to remember that their marriage will be something which is forever and if either of them have problems about her past they must speak or it might become a problem in the marriage.

    Other than that, of course, if this person is a promiscuous person who sleeps around without thought to the consequences to their physical, mental health and their family involved - BOY OR GIRL - I would not consider them.

    Ultimately, it is about character and intentions.
    One action should not cancel a whole person's integrity.
     
  9. ushae

    ushae Silver IL'ite

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    As have mentioned that these are easy for discussion in a forum.

    " I will accept" and " I will have no problem in this modern age" are all ok which are in future tense

    But how many examples are already there in any one's life.

    Assuming all other factors are same, consider a girl with pre martial sex experience and another without that.

    Which one we will prefer for our son/brother?

    Answer is the obvious one.

    Another sceneario, what will be the reaction of husband & wife if they happen to meet that guy who had premartial sex with his wife.

    What is the guarantee that incident will not come into husband's mind at some occasion and when he has any quarrels with his wife, what will happen if he pin points that.

    These are the things still debatable/indigestable atleast in india even now.

    So considering all these factors, better to avoid premartial sex
     
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  10. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Ushae,

    What you said may have been applicable a decade ago..DEF not now. We come from a normal south indian tamil fmaily and my brother wanted to marry a divorcee. We had no issues whatsoever including my ultra conservative mom and dad. Frankly...Its none of their business what she was and what she did in her past. As long she is happy with my bro and vice versa we are happy. They are very happy now.

    This is just one example. I have had many many friends who have been in relationships before and have not married the men or women they have had their physical relationships with for umpteen reasons. Their respective spouses knew that they were not "virgins" and seriously...It was no big deal. I really think that this is how it should be.

    To answer your question, which one I would prefer for my brother? I have no business preferring anyone and if I did have to prefer, It would be the one he vibes the most with irrespective of her past affairs.

    To answer your second qn, When a couple accepts that the other partner had been in a relationship, they understand that sometimes these things happen and they will be seen as any other person. Just because you were intimate with someone eons ago does not mean he/she will rekindle same emotions in your heart. People change..Time changes them and along with them relationships change to. We can blind our eyes and say these things do happen..but trust me..Its very commonplace in Urban India and all the young kids in family (18-21) know that virginity is not something they are going to look for in their prospective partner.
     
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