Frustrated and depressed ! Please help me out !

[justify]Hi friends,
I have been silent observer of this website. I think you all are really doing a great job by providing opinions and solutions.

Ok coming to my problem. Its been 2.5 years since we got married and we havnt had intercourse till date ! Yes, you read it correct ladies... We havnt had sex till now ! Unbelievable right? I am really very very very upset ladies. Well I have written my story below, its quite long please bear with me. I dont know whom else to tell. So please help me out.

We had an arranged marriage. Saw eachother only 2 weeks before the wedding but for 6 months we used to speak over the phone . Anyway DH didnt want kids soon,so he wanted to me to start having birth control pills. Though initially I was against it then I agreed. So in order to start the pill that I was supposed to have, I could started it only after my periods. So on our first night we just hugged kissed etc, didnt try anything else because I hadnt had my periods yet. Then the same thing continued during our honeymoon , but since we wanted to try something , we tried with condoms but I had severe pain . I cannot even explain how much pain i had, he couldnt even penetrate little bit becuase he was feeling very sad seeing me suffering.

Anyway we came back from honeymoon without doing it. Since I am very close to my mother, I told her about my pain and she said it was not uncommon for young girls to have pain for the first time , so we should keep trying couple of times and incase I still cant we should see a doctor. And she also told me that she really understood from this incident that my DH is a very good man, because he is so concerned about not hurting me. Anyway I told my DH that we must see a doctor but he said he was too shy to see from India, so he told we''lll see from US. I thought fine . After my honeymoon I was with him in my inlaws place and my problems began with them . So many incidents happened ,they hurt me alot . In midst of all this I started my birth control pills and while trying to have sex , I still had severe pain, so we used to try other stuff .

Anyway MIL FIL caused lot of problems in my life and DH didnt stand by me. It was only after marriage that I realised that inlaws are so over controlling and interfering and possesive over their son and my DH was extremely scared of them. I am person who cant express myself, so I just bore everything, didnt tell DH whatever was hurting me. 90% of the things he and his family knew that I was getting hurt but didnt do anything about it.

Then DH left to US and I was going to go after 3 more months because of some visa issues. Anyway those 3 months again was hell due to inlaws. One day I told DH "some" of the things that hurt me and he said things would change once I came to US and to trust him. So I tried to think positively but still by the time I was leaving to US , I was so worried as to whether our marriage would even last as I was so much affected by everything that he and his family especially inlaws caused. When I came to US , he was trying to being caring etc , so I was happy but still i couldnt forget all what had happened. So somehow I didnt want to have sex.

He used to initiate once in week or once in 2 weeks , but if we tried something I would have severe pain and whenever we tried anything all upsetting thoughts of whatever affected me would come in my mind causing the pain to be even more. But ofcourse I never told him it is due to the mental trauma that he and his parents caused. I myself felt that it was because mentally I am upset due to many things which I cannot tell my DH . He knows all the reasons I am upset about but doesnt know that it is because of those reasons that I am not able to take him in.DH thinks and tells me it is due to my fear of pain( I have very low threshold for pain generally )

Then I decided that no matter what atleast we whould have a proper sex life. I sat with him one day and we just researched in the net and thought maybe the pain is due to vaginusmus, so we bought a kit online and started doing the things that they recommended. Anyway all that didnt help. This way our life continued. We would do something once in a while- not sex , just other stuff. On the other hand, we would hug and kiss everyday and whenever we go out we catch hands, so everyone comments that we are very romantic and every night we cuddle and hug each other and sleep.

Anyway this went on for around 1.5 years of our married life. In midst of all this inlaws caused more problems, DH would support them. Anyway due to all these reasons whenever I would try to do with my husband , I would have pain. So I started telling my husband instead of trying this vaginusmus kit at home lets go to a doctor and he would make all sorts of excuses.

Now for the past 1 year I started noticing that DH would rarely initiate to do anything. So I thought maybe he is concerned about me and doesnt want to hurt me , so I started making it a point to initiate from my side couple of times a week. But he would seem disinterested and would tell that his head is paining or that he is not in a mood etc. In between I went to a doctor here , my husband had some "major" meeting in office and couldnt come . Doctor examined me there and she said that physically I dont have any problem.

Anyway this whole year, everytime it is me who is initiating and my husband very rarely say once or twice a month only wants to even try something. So everytime I initiate he says some reason and I feel rejected. I havnt been able to forgive or forget whatever DH and inlaws did but still I LOVE MY DH ALOT AND I WANT TO HAVE A PROPER MARRIED LIFE. However,whenever we try I still have pain, so we cant do normal sex, we have to do other things . Even that now we do only once a month that too with me literally forcing my husband.I have always read that whatever it is men love to have sex and here I am always initiating and he seems the least bit interested.

Doctor had told me to practice some techniques with my DH. So I told DH that we must practise it. He will agree and all. But when I tell him lets do something he wont have any interest. Also we havnt yet tried half of the things that she told to try because if today we try something , DH will not feel like doing anything for the next 1 week . Then I told him I think we must go to a sex therapist and he tells me see we havnt tried half the things that your doctor told to try , lets finish that and see. So I told if that is the case, we must practise all the techniques.I started getting fed up of initiating everytime and being rejected most of the times. I told DH couple of times that I am noticing he is not interested at all nowadays. So he told no he is just tired , w'll surely do etc , but it never happens.

Anyway 2 months back ie after more than 2 years of married life , I happened to open his inbox to check something . I know his passwords ,but I never used to check anything. That day I had to check something important and I happened to see a bill from a **** site. Before marriage my husband had casually told me that occasionally he has seen ****, and I didnt think it was a big deal because I thought maybe it is common for unmarried men to see. Even one of my guy friends once told me that boys see alot of ****. But my DH had told me that very casually and I also didnt even think about it till I saw the email was from that same **** site that he had told me he used to watch. Next day when I checked his inbox he had deleted the mail. So I was sure that he didnt want me to see it by any chance. I searched his inbox to see if there is any past bills from that website.But there was none. So I thought ok maybe it is just a one time thing and maybe if I show that I am open to watching **** with him, he wouldnt have to do it alone. So after 2 days, I just casually told him should we see something. So he told ok but the whole time he was looking at me only showing as if he is not really interested in that and as it is I was feeling quite odd, so we just stopped watching that and tried to do something.

Anyway the following day when I checked his inbox he had got a bill from the website . So I felt so upset because previous day as usual I only had initiated and on top of that despite not liking **** , I was ready to see it with him and he was showing as if he was not really interested in **** in front of me but after whatever we tried, he had gone and seen ****. Then I checked our bank accounts but there was no sign of this bill. So I realised he must be having some other account. DH carries about 10 credit cards and we have 1 joint account. When I asked him details about all credit cards, he told me that 2 of them are for office use and only the joint account one we are using for personal use, rest are all old ones or ones that we dont use.

Anyway one day I went to the **** website and tried out different combinations of passwords and I managed to get in and when I checked the history , I saw that for that past 2 years he has been seeing **** in this website. I was really shocked because for the past 2 years every week atleast once or once in ten days he has seen and in a month he spends minimum 200 to maximum 500$ on this. I was so upset I didnt know what to do. I checked the site for the credit card which he is using for this and found out the number but when I searched his wallet without his knowledge, that credit card is not even there with him. I dont even know which account it is. He is having it secretly. In that shock first I thought ok maybe I am not initiating enough(maybe 2-3 times week is not enough to initiate) , so i would try to wear sexy night dress and tell him lets do things, but again he is not interested. Then i told him the story of imaginary friends whose husbands see **** and how I feel it is equivalent to cheating and i feel it is like having a cyber extra marital affair etc, and he vehemently agreed with my opinions. But when I check the website he would have seen something.

The problem is if I cannot ask him about this account because he has never ever mentioned about this account and this credit card is not even there in the wallet so how i came to know about it ? And if I tell him I saw the bill in his email account, he will be doubly careful and delete stuff and make sure I wont know about it, but I am 100% sure he will continue to see. So if i confront him I will end up being the fool, because he will continue to see no matter what and i will not even come to know about it.

I had even told him before this year ends, I really wish to have sex with you and he agreed. So i told him for that to happen, we have to do stuff regularly. So again he agreed but whenever i asked him whether he wants to do something he tells he is sleepy / too tired/ head ache etc... So now I stopped initiating.Oh I forgot to add, on a regular basis, he still seems caring , tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me and the kissing hugging and cuddling is still going on daily but somehow inside my mind I am so upset because of this that i am feeling a distance from him.


I feel so upset ladies. Whenever I log into that site to see if he has checked anything, I feel depressed when I see those women . I am actually good looking and why is he looking at these ladies? When I am showing interest to have sex and I am always initiating , why is he spending between 200-500$ monthly on this. If you check our credit history and all he seems very responsible financially but we have some loans still he is wasting money on this. I am so fed up and frustrated. Please help me .



[/justify]

 

[JUSTIFY]
Thanks alot for taking the time to read my post dharshiniusa. Actually we use lubricant but still I have pain . On top of that I keep initiating but he is disinterested. If he doesnt show the interest how will we ever have sex? Really dont know what to do. I am so upset.
[/JUSTIFY]

 

120 views and just 1 reply!

Feel so disappointed.

Is it too personal problem that noone feels like replying?

If so I apologise but then really didn't know whom else to ask.

Or, is it that you all feel it is a v common problem that you don't feel like telling anything?

Or, is it that you all feel there is no hope for me.

Even If you dnt have any solutions, please reply something , I feel so frustrated and depressed.

 

Thanks StaarBearer and Priya16.

Yes, I agree I shouldnt be thinking of all the past problems, thats why for past one year , I am going on trying to initiate from my side. But since he goes on showing disinterest what do I do?

I have tried making him understand that there is no pressure , we can take it slowly . I think I am doing everything I can.:drowning Only if he shows some interest to do stuff, can we have sex right?

I really think it is due to the pleasure he is getting through **** that he doesnt feel like doing anything with me.