Wife becoming a problem! Help!!!

You cannot deal with her period. she has put all options and is driving everything and she knows it very well, if you push her or you become stubborn, she will walk out of marriage but not bend down because she would take it as her insult that you are forcing her,

Its not uncommon that opposite people get married , who have totally opposite personalities, either husband is dominating or wife, rarely both will share a cordial relationship. now if your wife is dominating as a personality, even if you try to become dominant, it will add more friction to your house , it will burn more and more, kids will suffer, and finally it will fall apart

what ever you had told, what I can analyse, your wife has a sort of high head, what we call in Hindi "Ghamand" (proudness), she will not like to bend down, also a girl if she has support of her family to walk out of marriage if need be, will not think twice, esp if she is the type dominant and stubborn, she will always look for reasons, and she will have only one word written on her wall" its my way always or its highway"

You are in a situation where answers are hard, you are emotionally stuck from all sides, like so many of us.

For you to change your personality is impossible and so is for your wife, if she is inherently nice, minus her attitude, it can still be worked out, some thing can go in her head to sit and also see your feelings for your parents, she badmouthing them even though she lived only 15 days with them in India after marriage, goes a long way to say what she is made up of..

I think personally , it may be wrong, she married to you ONLY because you were in US, as she knew your parents live in village, etc etc ,and she woul d know if she lives in India , she will have to deal with them , but knowing you are abroad, she would have said, OK.

Did she ask you this question or anyone in her family before marriage, what are your plans ? do you want to live in US if so how long and whether you would come to India? if the answer is yes, it should lit the light in your brain

PS: you said she is nice to you except your parents, some people are very jealous and very possesive, she loves you , if so then why would she not go with you to your parents, knowing that makes you happy , for your parents to see all of you together? How is she being nicer to you in all that aspects. is Love not a sacrifice,?

I know a female friend of mine, very possesive and very jealous of her husband, would not even want him to talk to his parents on phone from his own home after marriage, what do we call this?
she said, she cannot share her husband with parents.

Originally Posted by friend2009

I think I need to take your 2nd option of say NO until she visits my parents.
Tallking to her mom and dad will not see any positive result. For them Son-in-law is just need to be a puppet to show their relatives.
Thanks for your suggestion but I need to ready for a melodrama.

PS:You know men who are dominating type really are the happy ones. They get their things done and doesn't bother about wives whatever happens and those wives listen to all what husband says. I am not like that and that is working to my peace gone.
There is no balance I think with ofcourse as exception in every case.

Your wife needs some sound reality check !!

She marries a guy from US - who was born and brought up by those same parents in village, but now she wants them out of the son's life?? She is a devil, sorry but that's what she is.

Set up some rules. If she wants you in her mom's place, then she very well be prepared to meet your parents as well. I am very sad to think from your parents shoes. They are not city people and how they would feel seeing their son and kids away from them for so long. Be a man and do what you have to do. Tell her what she is doing is stupidity and you will not tolerate it anymore. If she wants a family then she will get a family. Period. Be a role model to your kids. It's best to have a broken marriage then a nasty stinky one. She is just playing you in her fingers and telling you to go ahead with divorce. Tell her next time, yes you will, if you are going to disrespect my parents like this forever. I will not be a puppet anymore. Tell her to be in your shoes and think how it will be if you put a tada to see her parents and ask her to come and read all the other threads in this site. How husbands are controlling and not allowing wives to see their parents.Tell her wherever she is now is only because of those village people who worked hard to take their son where he is now. Else she wouldnt even be here in USA married to you.

Damn I am so angry thinking about such women. Selfish people.

She would have some sour experience during her stay with your parents in the first week of marriage or during wedding might be because of the demands from your parents side (which would be tradition but hurts). These kind of things do not wash away so soon when we leave the country immediately after such experience.

For son, its like they would be so much used to their parents words or they would be immunized to their behavior and might find it to be usual, but that would not be the same thinking by the new person. She might not have liked the words of your parents which you think is very casual. i am just thinking of the possibility. So you might want to ascertain if there is something like this.

IF there is nothing like this at all and just because your parents stay in village, and even though they are good she does not speak then she is biased then Speak firmly that she has to visit them with kids.

Friend2009,

India trips are the single biggest cause of marital disharmony. It is now time for you to grow a spine and put a stop to her nonsense.

First of all, if her mother is interfering in your marriage, then it is your right to tell the woman off. Marriage is between two consenting adults and her mother has no right to interfere in your relationship. So, let MIL know this. What are you waiting for, really?

Secondly, call your wife on her bluff that she is OK with you filing for divorce. Moreover, when you visit India, do NOT go to her parents' house first. Go straight to YOUR house from the airport and take your kids with you. If she wants, then she can come with you. If not, she can go to her parents' place and you can go to YOUR parents' place. As for your kids, if they are past infancy, then they can stay without their mother for a few weeks. There is no rule that says that only mothers should have their kids with them 24/7 and it won't kill your kids to stay with their father during their vacations without Mom. Make it clear to your wife that since her parents have hogged the kids' time and attention up to now, it is now high time that the children get to know the other set of grandparents, too. If she does not want to visit your parents, that is OK, but she has NO right to prevent your children from spending time with your parents, too.

And, while you are at it, make it VERY clear that if your wife won't visit YOUR parents' house, then that you will NOT visit her mother's house either, even if your MIL arranges / throws parties / festivities etc during your trip. Let her (and her mother) explain to their relatives why she is there all alone during her India trip, without her husband and kids in tow. But be firm.

If this fails, then simply bring your parents over to stay with you for a few weeks. Be a good son to them, regardless of whether your wife is a good DIL or not. You don't need to be a Mama's boy but you do owe it to your parents to let them enjoy their grandchildren and the fruits of your labor (a cushy life whether in the US or in India).

Good luck and deal with this firmly. Don't be bullied / chivvied around by your wife / in-laws.

is this really important to take up the matter to the extent when you have to fight with your wife to make her or your kids stay with your parents .Except for this issue,she is nice to you otherwise.Isn't it good enough for a couple to live happily? Most of the guys are not obligated to stay with their in-laws no matter how good or bad they their in-laws are.If you go and visit them on any particular occasion or function just as a part of formality, I think she should also do the same as courtesy lije going and adjusting with your side for a day when there is any occassion or relatives are around.But just she is the dil, why people expect that girls must stay with their in-laws.She married you , not your family.So after seeing you parents , village and everything else , if she wants to avoid them , no smart person should make a big issue out of it.In arranged marriages when there is no love involved in the initial stage, people obviously think about their conveniences before choosing a bride or groom.buy yes, even after knowing that you'll be in US, now is she fights with you, that's not ethical.I am not saying that it is good or bad, just saying it is her own choice as an adult person and you can judge what she is suppossed to do.She can't force you to stay with her parents , right ?
I really don't understand what is such a big deal about "american style of living"?
why exactly grandparents are so important for kids? does that mean the kids who have no grand parents are not brought up properly.It is all just our preconceived notions that we like to believe for ages.if that was true, then the whole western world would have a huge crisis over kids and their upbringing and on the contrary all the kids from our country would have had the perfect upbringing. If our traditions are so good regarding this matter,why we are not so better people than the rest of world?

what I feel that even if you take a strong standpoint to make her understand that she has to come with you or let the kids live with your parents considering you'll will be taking proper care of the kids as their mother does,the whole experience will make her more bitter about that and you both have to deal with the outburst of the bitterness forever.I am sure she'll never forget that she was threatened or warned for something that she never wanted to do.Till now, except for this factor, I hope she is good to you otherwise.
Being a girl, i can say if my dh never wants to come to my house,which he does quite often without any valid reason, I would never make a big deal out of it because at the end of the we two have to live together.nobody's mama, papa, not mine or his can do any good if the relation goes sour over this issue.
Choice is yours.

Don't the grandparents have a right to have their grandchildren stay with them for a week or so!? They have a right over their grandkids too!

Spiderman1,

Well said. I am glad that someone has raised this point. The discussion seems to be from the point of view of the girl and grand parents seem to be getting ignored. They too have feelings and love for their grandchildren.
No, I feel this is one brattish lady who thinks only of herself and maybe her parents.

She probably is made this way. PILs do not seem to figure in her way of life and any other Parents-in -law too would have received the same treatment at her hands.

If she wants a divorce , give her! A wife is not the be all and end all of anyone's life. The two people in a marriage have to consider each other's feelings . Or she should mend her ways.

Completely agree with Spiderman and Ennaye. If she has problems with her ILs, She need not talk to them..but she has NO business to usurp the rights of the grandparents. Call her on her bluff and tell her you will take the kids to your parents.

Whatever be my relationship with my ILs, I will not be able to answer my conscience if I deprive my kids of their grand parents love.(Both sides)

Originally Posted by friend2009

I think my parents are missing the kids each time we go. Since my kids are small 6 and 4 so they need their mom only.

Friend2009,
First statement above is true and sad and needs to be changed, whether or not your wife agrees. Second statement need not be true. At 6 and 4, kids are old enough to be alone with dad. Lot of dads even travel alone to India with kids this of this age. If your wife is so against spending time at your parents' place, drop that issue. Treat it as a battle not worth picking. But, when it comes to your kids spending time with your parents, put your foot down, and make sure time is distributed as equally as possible. Kids are very resilient, and will soon get used to being without mom for few days.

Trips to India causing problems of this nature is common among families living in the U.S. Some of my friends do not travel as a family any more. Mom or dad takes turns going with kids. Mom and dad also take turns going alone - it is a very nice experience to go spend time with parents and siblings without having to take care of kids. Once in 5-7 years, they all go together.

-Rihana

Originally Posted by friend2009

Later, after she got a job here she said I can divorce her if I wish to. I don't want to do since I have kids who will suffer and I also know that her salary alone will not support fully.friend2009

Well divorce is not something with which one cud threaten the spouse. Issues such as yours is definetly not something that needs divorce.

Just take your kids and go to your parents if she is not interested in visiting. But please try to find out if there is some strong reason why she is behaving hostile towards your parents.