Want your opinion on this

Hi all,
This time I am back not with a problem,but just want to know what you all have to say about this.
My SIL(husband's sister) is married for 5 years and she has a year old kid.She is working.Her husband is a very short tempered guy(more or less like my husband).She has been very submissive towards her husband and tries not to give him any chance.This all made her life completely choked up..In her own words she says she feels like going somewhere.Now since she has a child,she feels more comfortable and happy.In short according to her, her life is revolved around her son now.She is very happy with the child and now she does not care for anything else.Her husband's temper or MIL's tantrums also done bother her.In her word she syas "Maine apne bachche mein apni zindagi dhund li hain(I have found my life in my son)"..
Now can a baby really change a life so much.I dont have kids.But seeing her stabilised like this I feel like having a baby now(My DH and I were planning to try for a baby from early next year)..Can a kid really change so many things.i mean her DH is still the same but she is less bothered.

Cool1,

People are DIFFERENT.

For your SIL, a baby may have helped a lot and she is ignoring her other issues. For you - it may or may not work.

It depends on the type of person you are - which may be different than your SIL.

Originally Posted by Cool1

Now can a baby really change a life so much.I dont have kids.But seeing her stabilised like this I feel like having a baby now(My DH and I were planning to try for a baby from early next year)..Can a kid really change so many things.i mean her DH is still the same but she is less bothered.

Cool1

You ask yourself...is her situation any better???when the kid grows up...would the kid have any respect to any of the parents? how does kids from an abusive parents turn out?Kids are not supposed to fill our emptyness in the relationship....kids wont take the place of a husband/wife...

just like we discussed in few other posts...your SIL is going to be a possessive mother and I wonder how her DIL is going to handle all this? what happens to your SIL when her kid grows up leaves home for studies/work? what would she do?

Kids should add to the happiness of the marriage...both husband and wife should be ready to share responsibilities and chores of the baby...really ..with no support of the husband/ inlaws raising a kid doing all chores by yourself..its going to be soo tough..it would drain you out mentally and physically...

Some of the parents still suggest to their sons.."we have not done any thing to take care of our kids..our wife did...kids are wives department" such comments have made some of the sons very conservative in their outlook...those sons i.,e such husbands have not realised that times have changed now...if they dont involve in kids daily life...they wont be loved/respected/acknowledged..

Thanks Srividya and Spiderman...
I agree to both of you.What my SIL says is that her husband has become a bit calm now.Its just that now instead of thinking and sulking she spends all her time with her child.2 days back she again had some issues in her house but she was least bothered this time.One thing she says is that once a father her husband has started thinking more for their son.Its almost like the little son has bridged all the gaps and insecurities.
I now that my husband loves kid and will be more caring towards our child then me...But I never want his temper and our arguments to be the reason for becoming parents...but I really want to know is that do couples fight less or find less fault in each other once they are parents???

Originally Posted by Cool1

do couples fight less or find less fault in each other once they are parents???

I can only answer from my experience. Yes, we fight lesser these days, lesser after our 2nd kid. one reason could be both of us have got more matured with time, but another reason is we do not have the time to find fault, even if we do, there are other priorities so the battle finds its own way out.

I second what asha says. My DH argue and fight less because the kid occupies our time so much. His needs are more important than our disagreements and also, I think, I have learnt to let go of things that used to bother me earlier.

Originally Posted by Cool1

do couples fight less or find less fault in each other once they are parents???

This really varies from couple to couple. My husband & I seem to be a closer and more cohesive unit now, than we were when we were childless. Many of the things that would previously have caused us to go for each others' throats (such as interference from extended family members) now only cause us to act together and deal with issues as A COUPLE, rather than as two different individuals.

On the contrary, I have seen an inter-religion marriage that went to the dogs after their child was born. Both spouses wanted to bring their child up in their OWN religion, and following their OWN family traditions. Neither budged nor attempted a compromise with the other. Add in meddling, interfering relatives and they almost ended up in divorce court. The child is now a pre-teen, gets mad and between the parents when they fight (breaking it up) but what was once a very happy marriage is now a restive union of two people who stay together because they HAVE to, rather than because they WANT to.

So, it is really hard to generalize how a child or children would affect a relationship dynamics as this is very dependent on the couple themselves.

Cool1-
I heard the same thing from one of my frends.She also tells me that
now she doesnt expect anything from her DH,she is so much involved in kids ,no demands of attention,no expecations,no fighting.

We dont have kids and i,too,thought of going through same path if its stops everydays tension.

May be in the beginning of years of child,it happens but once kid goes to school ,woman again gets time to think,about being uncared,unattended
by man and tension starts.

Well, mine was an arranged marriage, and my problems compounded only after my child was born. There is more fodder for in-laws intervention after the birth of the baby (what with more ceremonies, more visits to and by in-laws and parents and changing responsibilities). Our almost peaceful life was thrown to the winds only after I became pregnant.

You cannot expect a baby to solve all problems. it does bring joy and mellow down souls, but may also create new problems.
Sandhya

Originally Posted by Cool1

Hi all,
This time I am back not with a problem,but just want to know what you all have to say about this.
My SIL(husband's sister) is married for 5 years and she has a year old kid.She is working.Her husband is a very short tempered guy(more or less like my husband).She has been very submissive towards her husband and tries not to give him any chance.This all made her life completely choked up..In her own words she says she feels like going somewhere.Now since she has a child,she feels more comfortable and happy.In short according to her, her life is revolved around her son now.She is very happy with the child and now she does not care for anything else.Her husband's temper or MIL's tantrums also done bother her.In her word she syas "Maine apne bachche mein apni zindagi dhund li hain(I have found my life in my son)"..
Now can a baby really change a life so much.I dont have kids.But seeing her stabilised like this I feel like having a baby now(My DH and I were planning to try for a baby from early next year)..Can a kid really change so many things.i mean her DH is still the same but she is less bothered.

I completely agree with srividya.
Just to add, I too think children definitely bring happiness to a couple. In your SIL's case she is just avoiding the issues that she has from her DH by involving her self with kids. But, can one replace spouse's love/care by having a kid? the answer is NEVER. Kids too grow up and have their own lives,one day. Such women who look for everything in their kid end up being possesive MILs. Kids are wonderful to birth and nurture but no one can fill the space of a spouse cause no other relationship is as permanent as spouse.