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are all men like this?is this normal for a married guy?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aishwarya156, Nov 12, 2009.

  1. aishwarya156

    aishwarya156 New IL'ite

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    we have been married for 4 months.my husband is a physically active person,he gets excited physically very soon.
    we have a good understanding of each other physically.we have intercourse around 3-4 times a week taking into consideration long office hours,tiredness,etc.
    just 1 month after marriage he complained and shouted at me that i dont satisfy him,dont go near him,keep running away and stuff..i was very hurt hearing that..we used to have intercourse 3-4 times a week.i was first time away from my home,i was down emotionally very much..i was feeling very lonely after marriage and probably that all made me not get intimate everyday.
    i knew him 2 years before marriage.he said that before marriage we thought we would have intercourse everyday but now it doesnt happen.he shouted me much that day.
    i convinced myself mentally and started to get settled with marriage.my husband is also very short tempered.he would shout whenever he gets angry.i started to be more intimate with him and enjoy.it was all going good.
    before marriage he used to surf internet a lot at nights and enjoy himself watching **** stuff.
    it was just 2.5 months to our marriage and i was shocked to see one night that my husband was watching videos on net.i was just sleeping besides him,i was not well as i was having my periods.this incident repeated around 3-4 times and he just seemed to really enjoy them.
    i was devastated realising this fact.i was so hurt and sad by the incident.i was afraid to talk to him about this as he is short tempered.
    i one day casually told him lets watch together some blue film.he told its not good to watch,whats the need to watch.he showed some bollywood movie scenes after i compelled.that time i thought when it comes to his physical need he likes it all and watches the whole night.
    but i couldnt tolerate after it happend 3-4 times.i told him that i saw him enjoying by himself.he said that he knows that.he didnt have any guilt feeling saying that directly to me.he said that '"i dont feel anything wrong about it.men cant control like women.Iwill do it whenever i want.it is good that atleast i m doing openly in front of you unlike other men who do it secretly."he was so casual while saying all this,no guilt feeling at all.
    i was so hurt that he didnt feel anything for me while doing or talking about it.still it hurts me when i think about that talk.i cant forget it forever.
    but giving consideration to our marriage and relationship,i again mentally coped up and tried to convince myself.i said to myself that he is a man,egoistic and might not change but i have to compromise and adjust to the situation.i started to be intimate with him as he likes and all wells ok now.
    but still there are few days when he is playing games on computer the whole night when i sleep.he is with the computer whole night.i feel like leaving the room when this happens.i dont think about it coz i get depressed and hurt.
    i dont know what to do.are all men like this? is this normal for a married man to watch **** stuff? what should i do? :(
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Aish.. its an irritating truth & a regular practise by many men...
    This is a form of addiction and like other addictions.. may or maynot get over.

    Each person comes with his/her own set of addictions.. I took it v calmly as this was finally better over drinking & smoking. Also there's too much to handle at home when you're working to dress up and act like those ***** on these sites.. cos we were never trained for it.. to act & fake.
    Had we got this training.. the men would have been happier .. but the fact remains that their parents would have never selected us for marriage.
     
  3. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Dear aishwarya156,
    it is, as Shilpma said..an irritating truth about most men. Many are addicted to s*** and love to watch it on videos and pictures. I have a couple of friends whose husbands are actually obsessed about it and look at any woman with only s*** in their minds. My friends are finding it difficult to digest as they are being neglected, but in your case, at least you have your husband on your side. If he strays then it is indeed very alarming! Your physical relation with him seems fine and evrything is okay between you two, except his addiction to watch it. And of course, his short-temper nature as well. Many men forget that life is more than just s**** :bonk!
    One of my friends who has such a husband tries to keep him very busy and happy, meaning encouraging him to join a gym wit her and attend tennis classes (all in the pretext of being fit and fashionable). She says that he seems to be tired and his watching all that has considerably reduced.
    My 2 cents- try this, but please keep up the chemistry between you two alive so that this physical bonding gets you closer and sooner or later yourhusband would no longer be interested in watching s**** in videos! do not discourage him, rather be an eager partner...!
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2009
  4. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Aishwarya,

    Let me give what I think of this situation even though it may not necessarily match with the common POV.

    Human beings ( male and female) develop sexual urges when they are around 18. Indian females have better control over it..but men do not. They are not built that way. In the Indian context, they cannot go out have girl friends and have their share of fun. Am sure you would have not accepted your husband if he had had a physical affair..so what do these sex starved men who cannot get their needs met turn to? **** and the online world of Sex. They are used to it for their gratification for 10 yrs when BINGO, they get married and a women comes along.

    With this Women, They do have a outlet for their sexual needs, but Its so difficult to leave a habit they have cultivated for 10 yrs. Some Women have not cooked at all before marriage and to expect that they become experts immediately will take time. In the same context, 4 months is too short a time for you to expect your man to forget his normal habits before marriage. In most cases, these things taper off by the end of 1 or 2 yrs and occasional viewing happens. As long as it is not an addiction, lets leave it to the quirk of a man. Instead of making a fuss about this or catching him during the act and embarassing him, let it go for a few more months. Theres a very high chance it will taper down slowly.
     
  5. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    I'm horrified by the defeatist attitude towards men and their misdemeanors here. So by this context if men can't 'control' themselves and women 'can' somehow it is permissible for men to do something?
    That is the most ludicrous excuse I have ever heard to excuse from taking responsibility for their own actions.

    First of all,

    Let us define the term 'normal'.
    Let's say in the U.S divorce rates are very high. Does this mean that because 'everyone' does it, it is 'normal'?

    How about abuse? If many men can't 'control' their temper it means that its 'okay' for them to abuse their wives and children?

    Does this mean that when someone is "normal" it means we should 'put up with it'?

    Really, it is a very argument and used as a very weak excuse to live in denial of a spouse's deeds.

    Different people have different needs.
    Example, many of my friends have high sex drives. Some of their husbands can't even keep up with them.
    Does this mean its okay for them to go look at p0rn and 'imagine' other men having s@x with them while their husbands sit on the side/in the next room?

    Of course, no husband will accept this, right?

    This is about ethics and values.
    Just because in Indian culture, men have more rights than women and are given more privileges doesn't mean that he is exempt from taking consequences from bad deeds.
    It doesn't excuse him from practicing good ethics and values.


    OP, your husband is being selfish, rude and inconsiderate of your wants.
    Yet you fulfill his needs dutifully.
    But he also has a duty to fulfill his duties and your needs.

    You need him to be considerate and think of you.
    Because he watches p0rn, you think perhaps you have not satisfied his needs and you accept all his intimate advances dutifully unless you are not physically able to do so (period, etc).
    You have done your part.
    But what about him?

    Remember, just because he has a temper, doesn't mean he is a god. Even a god also has ethics and standards. When he is in the wrong, you should never be afraid to stand up and talk to him calmly, assertively over the issue like husband and wife.

    As a wife it is just as much your duty to ensure he does his duty as a husband and think about your needs, and your desires as well.

    You being scared of him only makes him think he can do whatever he wants because you do not dare to confront him.
    Today its blue films, tomorrow it might be another woman.

    Yes, many men watch p0rn films but that doesn't make it normal.
    My husband doesn't watch p0rn.Before we were married I sat down and had a talk with him and told him what MY expectations and standards of him to behave are.

    If I act my part as a good wife, I expect him to act his part as a GOOD HUSBAND. And that means respecting me and my feelings like I respect him and his feelings and words.

    Once he was acting a bit rudely to me, with bad temper.

    I stood up and told him politely but firmly, "Please don't talk to me that way. I am not a maid. I am your wife. Speak calmly and let us discuss like proper husband and wife. Not like a dog and cat. We are not animals to be shouting this and that because we feel something immediately."

    He apologised to me and told me what the problem was. (Not enough intimacy). I realised that I had been very busy recently and we did not have time to set aside to be intimate with one another.
    So we agreed that we would fulfill this together and we solved the problem.

    Fear of your husband only makes the problem worse because you have to think - for example, if you have a friend who always talks badly of you, maybe you are scared to confront her. But because your friend ends up knowing you are afraid to confront her, she ends up talking worse and insulting you, maybe.
    It is the same for your husband's case.

    If you allow this to continue then there is no point for you to complain because it would be indirectly your fault.

    Please think about it.
    If he is trying to bully you by using bad temper, be brave and stand up and talk to him with no fear properly to address and discuss the issue.

    An example is that you can ask him - "Okay, if you think that its okay to look at these films of naked women and you think it is not wrong, would it still be okay if I flirt with guys and think its not wrong? Its still wrong, right?"

    "I know you have needs and I understand. That's why I try to think of you and try to put effort for us to be intimate together so we become closer as husband and wife. But you have to think of me too. When you watch these films I feel hurt that you will have satisfaction watching other women. I know that you won't be happy if I watch films of naked men and gain satisfaction too, right? So please think of me as well because I think of you and consider your needs and feelings too!"

    If he is aggressive you tell him, "Please don't raise your voice at me. Calm down and lets discuss this together properly instead of arguing or shouting."


    No man has a right to treat a woman like dirt.
    Every woman deserves a man's respect.



    I hope you update us on the matter.
     
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  6. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Hey lemonlime...i like your opinion on assertion :thumbsup!
     
  7. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks. :)

    I just think that while we women are always so accommodating and forgiving to our men, we should also know when to be assertive. Its for both husband and wife's good.
    If he doesn't even know he's overstepping our boundaries how can we expect him to change or adjust to our needs too, right? I think we ladies keep forgetting that in our mission to keep our families and marriages pleasant, smooth and happy.

    I thought your friend's method was spot on awesome! Very creative, and healthy way to get 'steam' and extra 'energy' off in a healthy and bonding way together! :)
     
  8. GiJoe

    GiJoe Silver IL'ite

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    LemonLime, I think you will be a perfect candidate to start a coaching program on self-confidence in induslades, I think many women lack self-confidence and they are afraid of what will happen to them if their husbands join their mom and dad and make their life more miserable so they take crap and try to live with it.
     
  9. Anchored

    Anchored New IL'ite

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    Dear Aishwarya,

    A big NO to tolerating this behavior! LemonLime- kudos!

    I am myself a bit saddened by the response of the responses here that say all men are like this and this is normal. Aishwarya, all men are NOT like this. It is unacceptable, unethical and disrespectful behavior. I talked with my husband before our marriage and I had told him a big NO to **** even during our courtship. Honestly, it is not only the fact that a man is imagining satisfaction with other women that would bother a wife, it is also that this person is out-of-control. And you don't want to be with a person who is out of control. I know men will say it's a need and all that but marriage means TAKING RESPONSIBILITY - of all sorts. It means growing up.

    IMHO, you should not put up with this behavior at all. You cannot lie down next to him while he watches ****. Reasons:

    1. It is unethical - it is a clear sign that you are replacable in bed, and that is TERRIBLE. Even if he was to watch it (which he should not), he should have the decency to not to do it in yoru presence. It is plain absurd that you are feeling as if you are not able to keep him happy. I am sorry about being so crude, but wives are not prostitutes! They are not there to "keep their husbands happy". Sex is a physical need but it is a manifestation of emotional bonding. A husband who can replace his wife, even mentally, is cheating on her- unethical and unpardonable.

    2. It is disrespectful - despite you voicing yoru concerns he thinks that he is being 'open' with you- ludicrous! I think he is just too addicted and he is telling you to back off because he does not want to change.

    3. It is abusive - he is doing something very wrong and you are sitting there thinking that this is because you are not good enough. It is bad for your confidence.

    Aishwarya, please stand up for yourself. God forbid, if I was in your place, I would have NEVER let my husband touch me. I would have told him that marriage means mutual respect. You can pardon a person for faultering once or twice but if they make a mistake and don't even feel apologetic about it then it's a deeper issue. You have to protect yourself. Understand this hard truth - you say that we are more intimate now and he is happy. But is this genuine happiness? Is this making you happy or is this more a fear of making your husband unhappy. HAPPINESS IS EFFORTLESS. It does not have a place for fear.

    To all ladies, many- a times we do things for the fear of making our husbands unhappy. Or worrying about this that they will leave us and go to theri folks. I ask you and truly believe in this - I would rather live alone that live with someone whom I have to "please" all the time. Why should we please each-other in marriage, and more so women. What the hell is this fear for? What is he leaves us? What is he goes to his parents? it will hurt yes, and yes, if there is somehting that we can do to make our spouses happy we should. But should we just be giving in our self-respects for the sake of keeping him with us? WHY???

    I am not advocating separation for every small or big issue. I guess what i am saying is, especially to you Aishwarya, is that we must change our mental motivation of operation towards husbands. It should NOT be FEAR OF LOSS. It should be HONESTY and self-respecting truthfulness. I think as humans, we all have a duty to respect, ourselves and others, most so our spouses. If you see that he is not respedcting you, please stand up, lest you will be re-inforcing this behavior for the rest of your life. And it will go beyong watching ****. It will be a mental make-up where he will expect you to please him in everything. STOP NOW. Yours is a new marriag Aishwarya. You need to stop now.

    3-4 times a week is ALOT! I am glad that you enjoy it but I know friends who have told their husbands to not touch them for a couple of years after having kids. And the husbands respected them. They had to fight their own emotions but they did respect their wives' wishes or inabilities. Also, they DID NOT watch **** to fulfill themselves. They waited, and respected. So...all men are not like this. This is more human than being men. It's a matter of control, and agreed that control may not come immediately. But you should atleast see an effort towards that control.

    Aishwarya, if I were you, I would tell my husband that I long to have a relationship based on respect and not lust. That I am hurt and that while I understand that this as a habit is hard to shake off, I would expect to see him respect me by TRYING to control himself. It is still time to stand-up for yourself. Please do so while your marriage is new.
     
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  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Very well said Anchored! I had also read a lot in defence of **** earlier, but it is humiliating for the wife to keep on measuring upto the ageless immoral beauties . Most men are addicted to **** and will not stop watching it come what may. The wife has to refuse and lead a loveless existence or be used by DH for practicals.
    These days men are watching **** openly ,they know the wife is not going to rock the boat for this as it is difficult to tell except to close friends, certainly not parents!
    Such men do not respect or love their wife or they would not hurt her. Its a sad state of affairs no doubt.
    The wife in such a situation should stop looking at the DH for love and try to make a life of her own before she is put aside as time passes and she ages and fresher stars adorn the screen.
     

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