I want to help my Brother ! Can I ?

Dear Il's,
I've always come to this site for support and solutions.and i was not disappointed with the results. im here one more time to get your help and suggestions, only this time it is for my elder brother who got married just 4 months back.
Pls forgive me if the post is too long.

let me tell abt my brother a little, he is a very smart,studious and hardworking person.he worked his way up to where he is now . we lost our father when we all where very young(i was 3yrs old) our mom raised us single handedly and made us all engnr's. my brother started taking responsiblities to help our mom along with my other elder brother and this brother in particular started shining in all his endeavours.
so he was doing good and wanted good for all. Like anybody else he wanted to marry a girl who wud be his real better half in all aspects. he was(all of us were too) looking into lots of girls, after so many girls, he agreed upon this girl and got married 4 months.

now,my anni(my brother's wife) is a well educated and was working in an mnc before marriage,was the youngest girl of the 3 girls born in their family.it's a well bonded, loving family.
you might wonder what the problem is? from day one, right after their enagagement, things werent quite good btw them,but my brother hid everything from my mother.
problem with my anni, as stated by ny brother is very dominating and abusive.she is been using such flithy words in their fights. they are really really fighting like cats and dogs. on top of it she is calling her family and telling them all stories abt my brother and her mom is calling our mom and saying " pls send my daughter back to me safely!". all in four months.

the problem as described my bother is ego and dominating character.Pls tell me if any of the following expectations and requests by my brother is way over the board or unacceptable by any means.
1. As i said they are only 4 months into marriage, till date the suitcases that my anni brought with her from india is yet to be unpacked and is still lying in the living room.for this she is screaming and using filthy language.
2. my brother has always been deprived of home cooked food bcoz of studies and job,
he wants her to cook him some food ,some diff food just not the sambar for the past four months( duirng the engagement her mom told everybody how she loves to cook and once the extent she went to prepare briyani when she went aborad on a project)
she doesnt clean the kitchen, load the dishes or any chore around the house fro that matter, fighting that im not your servant. after days finally my brother does that all.....she is happy to go out and eat outside.
3.after his engagement he furnished his house fully set up the tv and dish, for his new wife to enjoy.now all she does is watch dish all day even after him coming from work.he feels so bad , that once he said that she dosent care to ask how his day was?
my mom found out thru my brother if have any sexual problems to which both deny.

according to my brother, all she wants is him to be under control,if so she is happy to go out shop eat ..etc.,

she is accusing my brother of the same and she cries to her family that my brother using abusive words against her and is threatening her always.she stresses that she is not a servant to do the household chores.now everybody in her family calling our mom in india and shouting at her and asking to send their daughter back. they are in no means to make their daughter understand that it is her own family and that she needs to take care of herself and her husband.
they are in US now, it is what they both share with the family and friends.
I hope they understand each other . im very worried abt their marriage and also abt the fact there is still one more marriage to take place in our family.
they are planning to go india regarding this. there are so many things borthering me , anni and her family are getting ready for everything

pls help me IL's ... our mom lost her peace... help me with suggestions to help things get better.

thanks and regards
biscuit

Dear Biscuit,

There are 2 sides to the coin...
All these things you have mentioned here is what your brother's expectations are and what is bothering him.It is not possible to come up with a solution until you get to know what is your Anni(SIL)'s version of the problem.

Have you or your mother has a conversation with your SIL to understand what are her issues with this marriage?

Here are some of the reasons I feel may be the root cause -

a. Things like - Not unpacking suitcases for a long time and leaving it like that in the living room indicate lack of interest in life. It could be that she is suffering from depression. ( The newly married H4 wife getting depression is not uncommon).She is away from friends and family in a different country. It takes some time to get used to it and all this tensions between her and your brother, is not helping either.

b. Before marriage, your SIL used to work in an MNC. Now that she is not working anymore, may be she is feeling sad being alone at home having nothing to do and regretting that she had to give up her career and live as a dependant.

c. More than laziness, I feel she is being rebellious by disagreeing to do cooking and other house chores.The fact that she keeps saying that "I am not your servant!!" indicates that she is feeling like she is not being treated with respect.If she is not used to doing house chores before marriage, it will take time to adjust with everything.

Basically what seems to be missing here is that she doesnt have the feeling of "My marriage " or "Our house". This feeling will come only if both husband and wife have an open mind and willing to make adjustments .
She is behaving like she is being forced to do these things much against her wishes.

Also, no parents want their newly married daughter to leave her husband and end the marriage in 4 months. Since her parents are supporting her decision and want her to come back to India, there may be valid reasons.

My suggestions -

Have your brother and SIL come to India and seek the help of a professional marriage counsellor before taking any decisions.
It would be better that either side of the family doesnt interfere in this or support / accuse anyone. Let the couple see if they can sort out their problems with neutral marriage counselling.

I second completly reshsabu.

some of my thougths.
I beleive girls who don't help in the house before the marraige,after the marraige they really don't know how to manage the house and how to cook the food for husband.

I know lot of my friends,who don't unpack the suitcases and they learned after a while after the marraige.

Again same with food,still I know lot of women who doesn't cook good food.They always interest to go and eat food.Or they will take care of kids activites and other works and husband does cook food in the house.I have seen 2 set of people where one side husband doesn't help and other side where women doesn't have interest in coocking.
Especially in intial,I beleive lot of women doesn't like to take house reponsabilites as they are were more focus on education than anything before the marrige.

I was in working in bangalore in one MNC company before my marriage and i didn't see a single girl he will go home and cook the food.Either they will have some cook at home or some elders or they will go and eat in restaurent.

Especially if the girl comes from well being family then there is chance she would did very less work at home and she may not able to manage her own house right away.It may take long way to get it.

Ofcourse,they can have compatability issues too.She migth have different set expectations from your brother and your brother might have different set of expecations.

I also feel,may be you need to send her to india to give her some break then after a while,she will miss your brother and she may understand her repsonsabilites with marraige.Don't send her with long face,just tell that ,I can understand you are missing your family and why don't you visit them and see how things will go.

I know one family who have 2 kids and she wonder all the time,how to make coffee.But she is very good at dance and other extra circular activites and organising house.So she spend her time on it and very little on coocking.But husband is managing other things for her.

Did they have any courtship period?Sometimes 2 people are not just compatable to each other.

Just my

Thanks for your valuable input Reshsabu.
as you pointed, we tried to know my SIL's version but she or her family is not opening up with what's happening between the two. whatever my family knows is only thru our brother. when my mom tried to talk with my sil and her family both of them are bashing my mom!

Thank you priya16 for your suggestions as well. they had only 3 months time before marriage.

as in any marriage couples need and take time to understand each other .Once my brother told me what he wud do to keep his wife happy that too long ago before his marriage. like he said he takes her out every weekend, dinner during the weekdays and lots of shopping. he used to work late in the evening before marriage. but now he is home early to just take his wife for walk atleast.

as you both said let the household chores and the rest take back seat for awhile ,why cant she show some love and paitence towards her own life? when my mom spoke to both of them and asked them to sit and talk and be patience and sort things out, SIL started talking " is he educated? he behaves as though he is from slum..."
both of them are fighting like this ...they are hurting each other with words, not only themselves but the family as well. im really worried .

one thing i dont understand is ,SIL went to lots of temple in chennai just to get married...now they are fighting.as told by her relatives, when her father fell sick she was the one who took care of her mom and dad.

""Ofcourse,they can have compatability issues too.She migth have different set expectations from your brother and your brother might have different set of expecations."" --- like you said if compatability is the issue,is there any way at all to help my brother?

biscuit,

Ask them to go conunselling.I am not really sure why her parents and herself don't want to talk on this?
Are they well off(SIL family)?

Ask your brother don't talk back on her back and also don't expect anything from her for a while.Ask him to make his food and offer her food.
Sometimes love can win the person than the fighting for rights.

In my friend circle,one lady is very dominating and she can blash her husband left and right.Some people have those personalites.If he learn that she has that kind of personality and she doesn't have respect for him even after give a try then I feel it's just better to seperate.
What about her other two sisters?are they married?Where do they stay.
One thing for sure,if you tell something on your SIL to her paretns they don't beleive at the same time if she complain something on your brother you guys don't beleive.Because for everyone there loved ones looks perfect.

Ask him to don't expect anything from her,even if she raise the voice,ask him move from that place for a while and see how it goes.

You mentioned,even before marraige things were not right between them.I beleive they might be in different countrys.What kind is issues they were having before the marraige?

Do you guys have any issues during the marraige?Some girls can recover from the issues and move on but some don't(may be they will not have enough maturity).Do you think she doesn't have enough maturity to deal with family life.

Another things,I can think girls will dream princes life like lot of gifts stuff like that.Does your brother careful with money.I know she is talking way beyond.Sometimes I feel,they buy those from families,like if mother is dominating and can talk power full words then kids can learn from it.