Need help to be patient!!!!!!!

Ok ladies after 10 years of our life in US we are moving back to India for good.I am very very happy about that but I am very scared about our stay with my inlaws.Basically they are good but my fatherinlaw is very tough to cope up with he keeps on telling me something like that my husband is always nodding his head to what I say and he commented many times like ur parents haven't brought you up in a proper way because of that we are suffering I dont know what mistake I made I will neveropen my mouth but will ask him what mistake I did so that I will rectify in future he will never tell what sin I made.When I sit in couch for some time and watch TV he will say instead of sitting like this why do you run here n there atleast u will loose weight here instead of weight he said (kozuppu) I dont understand how a Finlaw can talk like this Lastyear during my India trip he said that I am not a good dinlaw and I failed my duty to be a good wife I was in total shock .How can he say I am not a good wife what really scares me is I will get all these kind of scolding even if I dont do anything wrong.I am wondering isit natural to get scoldings from ur inlaws even if you haven't done anything wrong.Iam really scared and confused not sure how to deal with them
Even if I scold my kids if they trouble even for that they take my scoldings are pointed to them I can't even open my mouth to my kids in front of them.Its very hard.My husband says you please be patient and keep quite everything will be fine.

Just few days back i went through this..My inlaws scolding me without me knowing the cause...They said the same thing as what you have mentioned. Even I was wondering how can a FIL talk like this..Guess this is with all of them...Since you are going to stay with them this will reduce after few days..So do as your husband says..Dont back answer or questuion them..And yes dont even complain to you DH about him...They will do this for few days and when there is no reaction things would invariably settle down..Just keep yourself busy and have fun...

My FIL also talks the sameway as your FIL.
Initially I used to feel too bad and even grabbed the opportunity to go out of India cos of ILs. But then now after relocating back to India, he hasnt changed but I'm ready to be with them just having their age factor on my mind. Even now he passes such comments but I totally ignore it.

IMO In-Laws are not GOD.And conduct certficate from them is not going fetch us a place in heaven. So I dont try please them at the sametime I see to it I dont hurt them either.
Even if they pass coments are anything try to ignore and be yourself. We need to be true to our conscience only.
If you try to please everyone in the family n try to get into their good books, then at the end of the day you will be depressed and will feel like a doormat. bcos no one is going to appreciate you or even acknowledge ur good deeds.

My formula of staying at peace, I dont hurt others and I dont allow others to hurt me. Atleast I dont show that I am hurt. Their only aim is to provoke us. But when you become resistant to their comments, they might stop commenting someday. Before that you might get used to their comments. One thing for sure you cannot change them. They are like that.Learn to survive with them.

Originally Posted by sathyanjali

Their only aim is to provoke us. But when you become resistant to their comments, they might stop commenting someday. Before that you might get used to their comments. One thing for sure you cannot change them. They are like that.Learn to survive with them.

This is 100% true.Good one sathyanjali

Even my inlaws are like that..

They keep finding faults.I am fed up.So when I talk to them I try to keep the conversation as minimal as possible.I just give a deaf ear to whatever they say.I dont let it spoil my peace of mind.I figured out one thing,how much ever we do its just not enough.They love to provoke people.We should not let it affect our happiness and peace of mind.

Priya,

The best solution would be not to stay under the same roof with your in-laws when you are back in India. Discuss this with your DH before you go to India for good and be assertive that you want to stay separate.

Though I am just a little overweight because of my recent delivery,my MIL also makes a big deal about my weight and keeps nagging about it. I used to feel bad about this, but now I totally ignore such comments.
About comments on being a bad DIL , being overweight etc, just smile ( as if you dont care) and dont let it bother you. Instead, if you let this worry you and try hard to please them and be a good DIL, they will just find something new to nag you. As long as your DH doesnt have a problem with you, why should you let these comments worry you. So behave like you dont care whether they think you are a good DIL or not...

IMO, you should not keep quiet for everything. Eg. When your inlaws interfere with you scold kids you can say gently - " Kids need to be corrected when they do mistakes- Please dont interfere when I discipline my kids!!!!".

My fil used to blame me for everything also. the funny part is that I only lived in that house for 1 month every other year. so, how in the world does he know me? better yet, how can i be blamed for things that go wrong in that house? anyway, a few years back i finally had enough and told him in front of everyone (his wife, my dh, bil and his wife, and the kids) that he has no right to speak to me this way and that I didn't just come off the street to live in this house. I also told him that if he has issues with how I deal things, than he better keep quiet and go for a walk because i do not plan to change my ways for him. he was stunned for a moment but then started to yell again and I told him again to keep quiet. then he did what i suggested - kept quiet and went out for a walk. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the vacation and even now only speaks to me at a minimum.
Of course, I had the backing of my dh and the whole family...so be careful of yours. Even still, stick up for your rights and be firm...but don't shout - it totally lessens your values.

Priya, If you are planning to stay with your in laws permanently I suggest you stand up for yourself.If you dont or your husband doesnt then it will never stop. In laws love to pick on DIL's.If left unsaid they take it as encouragement and go on. By now it seems like your FIL has got into that for about 10 yrs.

When next time your FIL turns towards you to start his complaining just walk out of the room. Do it for 5-6 times. If he continues with it when you come back Tell him you heard him and walk out.If it continues stand up for yourself and tell him not to do it .

First hand experience in this is from my FIL. He loves to pick on me for everything wrong with my husband. I heard him for 4 yrs and at last I gave him back. I told him not to abuse me without knowing anything . He cried foul and went to my parents and complained too. They also had enuf and told him to stop it. That never changed him and he tries it at any given opportunity. But I stand up for myself.

You dont need patience here but standing up for yourself. Get a job and be out of the house during the day to avoid all this.It will give you a good 5-6 hrs in total to spend in this ADVICING!!.Good Luck.

Thank you , Thank you and Thank you so much to all for encouraging and helping me and Chocolate like you said I am planning to take up a job and go out from their sight.I have been very calm all these years but he keeps on abusing and use harshwords to me and to my parents too.ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Few months back when I was in India we were all sitting and watching Tv my huband was not there.My minlaw pointed out actor Madavan and told my son see he is just like ur dad and after sometime she pointed out ( Actress Bindugossh) very obese actress( she acts only in comedy role because of her weight) and said see she is like ur mother .I was in total shock she was commenting like this in front of all .I am slightly overweight but not obese and moreover you have no rights to comment like that.I immediately asked y she said so for that she is telling she never compared the actress because she is overweight she thought I was beautiful like the actress so she commented and I mistook her for that my FINLAW shouted to my MInlaw dont talk to her she is like snake her body is full of poison even if u say good about her she will take it in a wrong way he shouted not sure how to tackle all these things

I am totally shocked to hear that FILs can talk to their DILs like this. I have never heard such things from my family or friends. You have to stand for yourself and put your foot down when he makes such comments which is not appropriate for him to say. I am not saying you should shout back. But you should tell him that this kind of treatment is not acceptable. If he keep on doing this, just as others mentioned just ignore as if he never exist in that room.

God luck !

Anabika