Need help to be patient!!!!!!!

I think you have to give an ultimatum to your DH, ask him to either speak to his parents and get then out of your back or be ready to fire back at your IL, they are trying to irritate you and make your life miserable, ask them to do some social work to keep them occupied, habits like this will not fade away easily your IL’s must have been subjected to these type of abuse when they where married and they are just re-living their fantasy now.

Priya;
Do not encourage such comments..at all. When you were on short stay patience may work. But now you are relocating, so it is hard to be patient and sometimes they may take you for granted. But do not fight with bitter words. Say as if you are joking, but it should hit the spot.
Like if your Fil comments on your curvy body, tell him that your DH likes curvy ladies or better still ask ur DH to say it. That will spare you from embarassment and keep ur Fil's mouth shut.
-Nitha

Thank you Gijoe and Nitha my husband repects his parents a lot and never entertain anywords against them but after few incidents like above he started supporting me which gives me some relief.But still I should stay Vigil because if my Minlaw cries thats it he will melt.He always advice me not to talk back immediately instead ask them what went wrong?but Iam not sure whether it will work

Originally Posted by priya78

Ok ladies after 10 years of our life in US we are moving back to India for good.I am very very happy about that but I am very scared about our stay with my inlaws.Basically they are good but my fatherinlaw is very tough to cope up with he keeps on telling me something like that my husband is always nodding his head to what I say and he commented many times like ur parents haven't brought you up in a proper way because of that we are suffering I dont know what mistake I made I will neveropen my mouth but will ask him what mistake I did so that I will rectify in future he will never tell what sin I made.When I sit in couch for some time and watch TV he will say instead of sitting like this why do you run here n there atleast u will loose weight here instead of weight he said (kozuppu) I dont understand how a Finlaw can talk like this Lastyear during my India trip he said that I am not a good dinlaw and I failed my duty to be a good wife I was in total shock .How can he say I am not a good wife what really scares me is I will get all these kind of scolding even if I dont do anything wrong.I am wondering isit natural to get scoldings from ur inlaws even if you haven't done anything wrong.Iam really scared and confused not sure how to deal with them
Even if I scold my kids if they trouble even for that they take my scoldings are pointed to them I can't even open my mouth to my kids in front of them.Its very hard.My husband says you please be patient and keep quite everything will be fine.

Hi,

is it possible that you can talk to your DH and say you wil live close-by and not with them when you land in india? And that you can go on and off to see them or they cud come.
as far as comments are concerned,i would say just be ignorant and show it to ur FIL(next time when he comments) that you do not like it by walking away from there or just do not react. that way they will feel foolish and hopefully will stop after sometime.
be strong and assertive.
good luck with moving to india .

Neha S

Thanx Neha
Yes we already had the conversation about staying closer and not together but husband says they are eagerly awaiting our return already we were all seperated living in different countries so atleast after relocating to India I want to be with them and do my duty as a son orelse I will feel bad
What can I do

Dear.. I should tell you - for all practical purpose, this is like the beginning..
For one thing, develop a thick skin.. Thicker the skin, lesser 'feeling hurt' from ur side.. you will be more objective.. and level headed.. If you lose your cool, you lost it .. So.. for starters, as much as you seek your rights and support, love from DH, deep inside you should try to understand that 'THIS IS THEIR NATURE' .. You are aware of their nature, so you expect that there will be comments etc.. Hence, atleast you are NOT IN SHOCK.. So, this means YOU CAN BE PREPARED.. This is like half the game won..

Again, in all relationships, there is give and take.. maybe initially you need to accomodate a little with their likes and dislikes.. For ex, I know of a MIL who cannot stand it if DIL watches TV in the evening 6 PM.. she feels 6 PM is 'valakethifying time' So, this DIL (fren of min) figured that out after 2 3 days of silent murmer reactions.. what did she do? She lit the lamp, set things out in kitchen etc and then sat and watched her show.. yeah, she admits she missed a little of her show, but well, they were happy and she was also happy.. u know they call it 'COMPROMISE'

Ofcourse, radiate love and affection, and from your words, you do sound sensible and sensitive ( in the positive sense).. so, with time they will discover the 'daughter' in you !

my 2c..

Savitha

PS: I just re-read my post and want to add- do be assertive and claim your rights if the situation demands.. And, stick with DH through thick and thin.. as others have already guided, express everything clearly to him before you make the move ..

Priya,
Your FIL seem to be exactly like my FIL. But my MIL is alright. In your case ur MIL is also a problem. How can she comment about you to your kid? Totally unacceptable.
Going for job is a good idea to escape from them. But can they teach good values to your kid? Is it safe to leave your kid with them?

I think the best option would be to stay close to your inlaws house. As they say old habits die hard your FIL might never change and it is not practically possible for you to act like the patient, good DIL always. No one will give you any bharat ratna award for taking all the crap your fil is talking against you.
If your DH is against this plan just ask him whether he wants to stay a bit away and have a long lasting relationship with his parents or stay under the same roof witnessing bitter fights. Cos eventually if what you say is true(ur doing just the right things and its just your FIL being nasty) I dont think anyone can take this for a long time. So think wise and decide.

Originally Posted by priya78

Thanx Neha
Yes we already had the conversation about staying closer and not together but husband says they are eagerly awaiting our return already we were all seperated living in different countries so atleast after relocating to India I want to be with them and do my duty as a son orelse I will feel bad


What can I do

Two letter word - "No"

Say No to your DH in a polite, but firm manner. Stay in a separate apartment or house in India from your Inlaws.

Thank you so much savitha , sathya ,fudge and spiderman.Thank you for ur guidance.When I say the two letter word NO to my husband no matter how much ever I am polite and soft he will say the same two letter words to me a BIG NO.The reason he gives is they are old people its hard to change them if we live alone we will get it to unnecessary gosspis so he says instead of trying to change their attitude you better dont mind them Ladies if it is for couple of months then its fine but for whole lifeeee
My husband is searching for a job in Banglore even though I want to be in chennai(Where I was born and brought up) I said immediate yes to my DH because my finlaw is Asmatic so he can't cope up with Blore climate atleast in winter.I know I sound so Mean
But I guess there is no way out