My sister's husband changed my life forever

Well, i dont know where to start. Since childhood i had gone through so many issues, i am starting to hate men. Mine is a small family (dad, mom, eldersister and me). My father was not settled until many years, and we had so many financial problems during childhood . There is always some kind of problem at home. Later my dad got a job, and financially we were okay, but my dad had an extra marital relationship, and he used to drink daily. He abused all theree of us(mom, sister, me) physically and mentally everyday. My mom is a old fashioned lady, and she used to be calm and she just remained quiet . They used to have arguments and stuff, but my mom is innocent type and she neither cared for my dad, nor us. I love my sister more than anything in this world. I can say, she treated me like a child. She is just 2 1/2 years older than me, but showed so much maturity.She used to wash my clothes, took care of me like a baby when i have fever. We had very good emotional bonding. In between these fightings my sister got married(love marriage). My sister's husband used to talk so sweetly, and every one thought what a good selection she made. Then they had a kid and every one is happy for them. Then i got married(love marriage), my hubby and my sis's hubby used to talk nicely too. We used to meet regulary. I used to think, we didn't have understanding parents, atleast we have wonderful husbands. All of a sudden everything changed. 2 years after my marriage, i went to my sister's place. My husband was not there at that time. One night, my sister and her son were sleeping on the bed, and i was sleeping on a mat, next to the bed. My sister's husband was working, and lights were off and during midnight, my sister's husband, pulled up my night dress and was feeling my legs. I got shocked, and scared. I just pulled my blanket tightly and slept still. I just didn't know what to do at that time. I mean i never expected such thing. Again he pulled the blanket and moved my night dress and felt my legs with his legs. I immediately sat up and ran in to the bathroom and locked. I cried like anything that whole night, i felt so scared to open the door. My sister didn't know anything as she was sleeping. I stayed in the bathroom for 3 hrs or so and i guess early in the morning, i opened the door and this stupid idiot was sleeping beside my sister as if nothing happened. I took my cell phone, and slowly opened the main door and called my husband immediately. I told him everything that has happened. He was shocked too, and asked me to immediately get out from that place and come to him. As soon as my sister got up, i didn't even said anything to her, what should i say?i told her, i am leaving and i didn't even wait for her response and left their home. This incident happened in 2004,I never told this thing to anyone other than my husband for the first 2 years. Me and my hubby stopped talking to my sis's hubby. I used to talk to my sister normally, but not as close as before. My sister asked me many times, why you and your hubby are not talking to my hubby etc and i never told her anything. In all these years, i had 2 kids, and she had 2 kids, but i completely stopped meeting her unless it is very necessary (occassions). My sister's hubby used to behave so normally as if nothing happened at all, i feel so worthless and humiliated. He used to act as if he loves my sister to death. He presents her with diamond necklaces, gold whatever. My sister is also very happy, and she loves him. Whenever there is a family occassion, this guy acts so polietly, brings gifts to everyone, respects elders.He did a big mistake, and i can't believe he is just acting normally. I am the one who is suffering all these years. I just cant talk to my sister normally anymore. Even my parents used to say, oh your sister's husband is a very gentle man, he takes care of her like queen, blah blah. I was not able to take it anymore and after 2 years of this incident, i told my parents what actually had happened between me and this guy. They were shocked at the beginning. They have no choice either way, because he is my sister's husband, so they thanked me for keeping quiet and not letting her know. But i still can't digest how this guy is cheating everyone, that is not the real him. He is a very cunning fellow. As i have told earlier, my parents are worthless characters too, now they dont even care, that i suffered this. All they say is, whatever happened, he is taking care of your sister nicely.. and all that ****.. I feel so humiliated. And coming to my husband, he is a good guy, but due to this incident, he is feeling very insecure and angry. Whenever we all have to meet, i am struggling in the middle. My husband blames me, if my parents treat my sis's husband good. See your parents still treat him like god, and all those comments are hurting me.. I am just feeling so helpless. Sometimes, i feel like just stop talking to my sister as if i dont have a sister, but she is my only sister and i cant let go her. The one thing that hurted me most is, last year while talking to my mom, she said a conversation that happened between my sis and my mom. It seems my sis said to my mom that despite how she took care of me before marriage, i and my husband are very rude, we are not talking to her husband, and she blamed me for this separation etc.. i still can't believe how can my sister think negatively about me. Despite what i did to save her marriage life, she thinks i am the fault.. I know she don't know this incident, but how can she underestimate me as a sister? she knows better about me than anyone in this world. Why can't she once think for a moment, why all of a sudden i left that day? why we stopped talking? why i am hesistant to meet? I dont know, i just feel horrible in the midst of all these things.. I feel like letting go of my sibling relationship..I can't forget what that idiot did to me, i am the one who is taking all these harsh comments from my sis and husband, though i didn't do any thing..and the one who is reason for this trouble acts like a king... There is no value for good and truth in this world.. What should i do, i want to end this suffering.. pls advice.

Let me give you a very precious piece of advise.

Never be the one who cannot let go of the past. If you cannot do this, your life will be a living hell. If you want to move on happily in life. Live the present moment.

An incident happened in 2004. It's 5 years now and there are few things you need to consider.

(1) You have an understanding husband who trusts you and has put the past behind. If you have time, please search in the forum. There is another member who went through the same incident and her husband is not supportive and is giving her a very hard time in life. She is stressed out all the time.

(2) Ask yourself this question. What is that you want?

Him exposed to all the family members and then what? All curse him? Then what? Your sister to divorce him? Or to have this ugly thoughts in her mind and live a hell all her life? What is she supposed to do? Should she know and forgive him or walk away. If so, what is her future? Will you be there supporting her emotionally and financially? Not just her, but her kids as well?

Have you thought about all these and have answers?

Anger and frustration is different. How is this going to be practically possible and applicable is completely different ball game, yeah?

Relationships are like a web, my friend. If you got hurt, you got to analyze the situation and its consequences. In this situation, you have a wonderful understanding husband, beautiful kids, good parents and a sister who took care of you as her own. Cherish those relationships. Ignore the others. Have you seen monsoon wedding. The Mama in that story for years will be around the family and the woman could not do anything. But you know what, she became a bold, courageous lady. She took care of HERSELF.

Be that. Think about you and your family. Think about YOUR Happiness. Be happy with what you are blessed with. These are some bad memories that needs to be forgotten. Why should we worry about justice given to such animals. Isn't it the job of God to do that? He is an animal, you know that. But he seems to take care of his family very well. May be he realized his mistake? Who knows. It's better to LET GO, right?

So as I said before. NEVER POSTMORTEM your past, especially if its not going to give you any peace. Just let it go. See the happiness thats around you NOW, cherish that and move on.

Good luck !!

Nandu has given some very good practical advice, please let go for your happiness and the happiness of all the others in your family.

You may not know, maybe he has realised his folly and a new leaf now. Or maybe not. But you have your own family and thinking about the past will take you nowhere.

My 2 cents

First let me say may God give you peace....I really really hope he rots in hell...
but what are you looking for... what is your topmost priority...what is going to make you happy..do that
Will exposing your BIL make you happy go ahead...but you didnt do that for so many years because your sister's happiness was your top priority...Just because your sister is thinking you are somehow at fault Change your stand?
Also over the course of our live the people who we love the most may hurt us..but that is mostly temporary...For example..sometime ago my mom said something that was very very hurtful to me ...I felt like hitting her...but now its sort of ok..what she said still pricks but not too much now...
Also what response do you expect from you BIL..will saying a sorry suffice?
You cannot change the past but don't ruin your you future by letting this hurt you...your BIL is happy right..why are you hurting yourself now when you did nothing wrong?
I really can understand both your and your husband's turmoil...Probably some counselling would help

I fully agree with Nandhu's advice.Very detailed.
Do not dig your past and ruin your present&future.

Dear,
Divert your mind to meditating, bhajans and some craft work. Dont sit idle and make your mind a dustbin. Be happy you came to know his character verysoon.
If needed you can go for counselling. Also send some blank mails to him to go to a psychatarist.

Hi - I'm very sorry for your rough childhood. I empathize with you, on your present situation too.
Thankfully you have a supportive DH. Talk to him and let him know how you are helpless with regard to your parents behavior and treatment towards your BIL. Tell him that his words hurt you. Btw, I don't think buying his wife a diamond necklace or professing endless love to your sis qualifies your BIL to be the worlds best husband. By even thinking about you in ways that he should not, he has proven that he isn't. Tell your husband that. Tell him that no matter how your parents treat your BIL, you both know what he is and that your DH has nothing to feel insecure about.

Regarding your sister's statements, don't get affected by it. You chose not to tell her the truth about your BIL. She has no clue about your issues with her spouse and does not know something is amiss. I would have probably felt the same if my sibling suddenly cut me off as well.

As Nandhu has already pointed out, try and focus on getting over the incident. If you are not able to, go in for some help. Hope you feel better. It was not your fault that this incident happened, so try and move on. Easier said than done, I know but what will you get by harping about something that you had no control over anyway, other than ruining your health and happiness?

Good one, Nandhu !

SB,

What happened to you was obviously bad.. Your BIL is one nut case !
You say, you cannot get over the incident .. Why ?
- Is it because your hubby taunts you about the respect your parents give your BIL often ?

- Is it because, your parents didnt tell anything to your sister and continues to talk normally to your BIL ?

- Because, your sister is happy with a pervert husband ?

All of the above ??

Let us say, your hubby didnt taunt you at all for the respect your parents gave your BIL.. is your problem solved ? I mean, would you be able to atleast have a peaceful life with him .. ? Think. Tell yur hubby, not to remind you everytime of what happened. You are trying to get over it and you need his support. The incident disgusts you enough and you really dont want to be reminded often about it. Talk to him right away. He does care if you feel sad isnt ? So, tell him , his reminding does make you sad !

Your parents -

WHat do you think they must do, as Nandhu put it well.. They cannot jeorpardise their oldr daughter's life, SB ! It is natural to any parent. You have two kids.. Just because one kiddo's spouse disturbs the other would you not think twice to jeorpardise the other one's life.. ? Do you consider yourself wothless then ? No. You would rather act wisely and let them live their lives. So, expecting them to turn their face away at your BIL, doesnt in any way show they love you more ! No matter what, they love you better as compared to your BIL, isnt ? So, dont expect them to behave otherwise..

Your sister -

You say, she did ask you many times as to what happened. You didnt tell. Wise decision. So, when she is cluless of why suddenly her sibling and her husband stopped talking to her, what else would she think ? That you have a horrible incident with her husband ? No. She would only think that you folks are being mean to her. Your mommy's attempt to tell it to you, was simply to show that your sister missed her sibling ! It may nothave happened too, it could have just been a chance your mommy took to get the both of you together, so what ?

Now, that doesnt mean, your sister is under estimating you .. How can it be ? She is wondering what happened.. that is all. Where is she gauging you and your hubby here ? Now, by saying the conversation, your mommy is not wrong too.. She just wants the both of you to be fine.. She doesnt care if you dont talk to your BIL.. So, dont overthink.

You have two options -

Blurt out everything.

Get over it yourself.

By blurting out everything, your sister's life gets wrecked. Your parents will have a daughter and 2 kids staying at home with them.. OR
Your sister may simply choose to forgive her husband and get over it. Then it may not look like you did a favour to her by protecting her marriage all this while.. Then what ?

Would you be able to get over it too ? Are you sure, your parents' love for you will be explained after that ? What about your sister's life if she chooses to walk out ? The kids ?

Getting over it - You need your husband to STOP talking over and over about the respect your parents give your BIL.. You folks arent talking to him, so leave it at that. How parents treat them shouldnt be given any importance. Once your husband is no longer talking about the incident,
YOU WILL GET OVER IT SURE ! :)

Consider your BIL a jerk whom we find in public transport trying to fiddle any part accessible to them ! Just ignore him and the incident. Avoid going anytime , anywhere he is around. Talk to your sister as normal as you can.. You arent doing a favour to her by protecting her. No. Dont get such things between siblings. For no fault of hers, do not drag her into mess !

Take care, SB !! :)

hello all, thanks for your responses. I am not exactly sure what is bothering me. I think i am more worried that, being such a characterless fellow, he is acting all normal in public, and he deserves some kind of punishment rather than respect.. that is what i feel. Ya as someone said, god will take care of him. Can you believe, he does all pooja's daily, abhishekams, he is an ardent devotee.. wow people can have such opposite characters.. I am definetely sure, he hasn't changed now. 3 months back my sister went to india with kids. This guy pinged me in yahoo messenger, i haven't responded back, i just told my husband, and he asked me to ignore. I dont know why he pinged me. Later, in his yahoo messenger he left a custom message,"I am single, any sweetie pie can ping me" My blood is boiling like anything. I just want to kill him with my bare hands. Sometimes i also wonder, what if the incident that happened with me happened to someone else(like his colleague), what if that women cooperated with him? what would have happened to my sister's life then? Who knows, may be he already had affair with someone.. one thing i really hate is extramarital affairs. My dad had one, and our family has gone through hell. With all these things, i am just not able to talk to my sister normally. I completely am not able to get rid of this guy. And imagine my situation whenever my sister brags about her husband in phone conversation, " he helps me", "he doesn't care if i cook" "oh he got me that for our anniversary", "we went to restaurant yesterday"... anyway she is happy atleast.. just frustrated...

Originally Posted by sailingboat

3 months back my sister went to india with kids. This guy pinged me in yahoo messenger, i haven't responded back, i just told my husband, and he asked me to ignore. I dont know why he pinged me. Later, in his yahoo messenger he left a custom message,"I am single, any sweetie pie can ping me"

Now, this is definitely a concern. Your poor sis, totally believes this guy. I really feel bad for her! I wish you had taken a screen shot of his custom msg and given it to your sis and asked her to look out for warning signals. But then he could have always sweet talked her into believing that it was a big joke.
If you are really concerned about him having an affair, you could probably run a BG check on him and figure it out. It should be simple to get it done in the US. In the event that you find something of that nature, you will have to figure out if you need to let your sister know or not. I would if something as drastic as an affair came to light. I would be more concerned about her health than anything else.