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Please help I am desperate!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ushie, Oct 8, 2009.

  1. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I posted some of my problems here earlier. I have an extremely controlling husband, and recently i asked for advices for our India trip which i can able to complete with only minor problems. After only 2 weeks of my return back Unfortunately I lost my younger brother which was a shock to all of my family(my side). I have to really beg my husband since he is very particular about money we spent for earlier vocation and came immeadiately to attend my brother's funeral, with lot of conditions from my dh's side, I felt like I am a prisoner going on parole. He gave me only a week, but here my brother's ceremony will take minimum 10 days and last day is very important. My dh refused to listen citing lot of reasons like his food, my daughter's care etc for which i already made some arrangements. here my mom and relatives are not happy already depressed and shocked over the loss, they think I am not caring much for my FOO. today one of my sister who is very shorttempered really picked a row with me asking me to change the return date , eventhough she perfectly knew my situation she is very harsh with me, which is emotionally hurting. No one is supporting me and I am already under severe depression. (my husband is not willing to change the return date, asking me not to come if I am changing, all my documents and things are in USA and my daughter is there with my dh. Please give me some advice to help me to handle this situation.

    Thanks
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ushie,

    I feel pity for you.I think you should ask your husband what if same incident happen in your house?I know some women will not have that liberty to ask those questions.
    Tell your sister that if I change the date then I am going to stay here.If she says fine then just ask your husband to change the date and if he say your are going to come here,Then tell him that if that is my destiny then I will go with that.
    I think you need to stand up for yourself,if you dont then your husband can take ride on you.He is just showing his power on you.
    Tell him that I know it's difficult for you to take care of our daughter but this tough time for my family and I need to be here.
    Is our daugther won't come if something happened to us.Talk to nicely and see what was his reation.

    Again at the end it's totally upto Ushie,We are just some people here who can give just a work but we can't help you literally.

    All the Best.
     
  3. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ushie!
    Sorry to know that you have lost ur brother! Ur parents and all must be in such a state of shock! And ur husband is asking u to come back immediately...well, u really are in terrible problem. but for now, please do not get angry at ur sister. She is not in her right senses as she has also lost her brother and can not understand perhaps "y Ushie is always controlled". only women in ur shoes would know how helpless and. frustrated one can feel if one is being regularly controlled! Some men are real nuts and had it been his bro's condition, ur hubby would have insisted to stay on for a month, perhaps! But if u fight, that would also not help. Perhaps other Ilites can give u better advise...but my one idea is - y not rehearse ur answers well in advance to whatever statements ur hubby gives as arguments! Stay put for teh entire ceremony atleast (well, that is my advise...afterall the one who is no more was ur brother) And then talk to him on phone. try explaining...lets c how it goes...after all u have a child also and a marraige that perhaps requires ur hubby being counselled! I pray to God that somebody from IL gets a gr8 idea to help u!
    Take care and dont worry!
     
  4. Mitr

    Mitr New IL'ite

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    Dear Ushie,

    I am really sorry for the sad news of your younger brother. I can very well empatise the problem/ situation you are in right now.
    I pray to god for you to shower mercy and his grace on you. Prayers definitely opens ways.
    First of all dear please be strong from within.
    I feel you should talk the situation to your DH in a way that would make him support you with a solution.
    Your husband may be too controlling but please you need to accept that as the grace upon you and not allow that to affect you, because he is your life and you have a daughter too. Parents egos should not make the child a victim to it.
    Take efforts and then leave the rest to God.
    Imagine your Husband to be like your parent. If your parents would have said something i am sure you would have never over ruled.
    Have compassion in your heart and remove the feeling that he is too dominating. Any humans with such level of dictating attitude tend to have more of Parent ego. So you need to behave like a child to them. Just accept this and react. Please talk to him like a child approaching for help. Shower your compassion over him and be very lovable while you talk however rude he may sound. Dont talk as though you are giving him your decision; Explain to him what happened. and ask him with full emotion what to do please guide me. I pray this should work;
    First try this , I am sure you will be with the right solution;

    Your tommorow needs to be more peaceful; According to me my personal feeling is to think from a point in the future-- Whom are you going to be -- Your Husband and family or your sister's?
    I am sure your sister is reacting instantaneously as she is also victimised of a loss of a brother but with time as she will get involved in her daily life she will have no time to think about you;

    i hope you understand;

    time is the best healer; please pray; Listen to your heart; Think on long term; Present is temporary ; future is in your hands; Everything in life cannot be carried forward for the sake of others; yes but you cannot ignore your family;

    Even Dharma shastra says -- Go by the words of your husband. You are doing no mistake or Sin;


    Soul has no death; Its only the Body that dies. Your Brother is still living. Accept some philosophy of life to march ahead;

    Good luck!!!

    Regards,
    Mitr
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Ushie, what a mess. Let me give you an e.g , my wifes best male friend from school days came to NY few months back, he got some sever attack and was put in hospital under ICU, his wife in India could not travel immediately.

    His friends from office were lookign after him, those days were so horrible that I and my wife were almost not talking to each other properly, we had big fights and huge proglems, she calls me and says, there is an emergency and she needs to go to NY, she does not ask permission, she says her friend whom I also know has been in ICU and is fighting life and she is wanting to go to NY.

    I said ok I will make arrangements for you to go, but my son was very small and I thought for 2 days it was difficult to keep him away or if she takes him then in hospital no one to take care of my son so that she can give some time to her friend.

    So i rented a car and drove to NY with all of us, stayed in hotel spending money almost 600$ just for a day trip to NY to meet a sick friend.

    Your story, your brother died and your husband acting wierd. The only reason I am trying to tell you about my story is, even if I would have objected my wife would have gone to NY, because what she wants she wants, anyhow.

    In your case its your DH, he will do what he wants, and if he wants thats it.

    Some people are unreasonable and let me tell you they also take you for granted because of your personality, I hope you understand, the fact you are asking help on this forum shows you want to find answer as to what you can do as you know you cannot do anything regards to your DH.

    My condolences on your brothers death.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2009
  6. mythilli

    mythilli New IL'ite

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    I am sorry about your loss.Tell your husband that you need to be in India and that your family needs you.Its hard to believe that your husband who is supposed to love,respect and cherish you decides to put you through this when you are so vulnerable.

    Tell him and tell him strongly that you wish to stay back until all the rituals are done.I agree that you need to take care of your husband and daughter (food or whatever) but at the same time he needs to take care of you and your feelings too.
     
  7. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

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    Oh dear..I am so sorry for your situation...
    You can call up your husband and just start crying..Tell him its such a tough situation and you wish he was there..Then start off by saying what all is happening in your house and how sad everyone is and its such a havin tough time..and more over everyone is asking for your husband..
    Try calling your in laws for the last day rituals if possible...See what happens..I just hope that God gives you enough strength to deal with everything..Some people are dominating..try using it for your advantage..If he wants to show his power on you then try to manipulate the same for your good...Take Care
     
  8. sujakumar

    sujakumar Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,

    We all are so sorry for your brothers loss. Our prayers for you and your family to overcome it. Pls ask your sister or other family members to talk to your husband and see. So that even if he says NO ur family will understand your situation. Take care.
     
  9. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    thanks for your replies and soothing words. the brother I lost was the last one in the family, pet for us all, we were seeking alliance for him and just now he brought a flat for his fothcoming marriage. I cant explain the pain and shock we are going through. My husband booked the ticket only after hearing my brother's death eventhough i was begging him when he was at critical care. I knew when I start it is important for me to stay for 13 days and told my husband but he hate my elder brother, and my family members (he likes my last brother) and refused to listen. Even if I fighted and postpone the date I shuddered at the idea of living with him rest of the idea he will torture me with his name calling and kill me by saying i failed in my loyalty by postponing the date. (he made me to promise on my daughter's head that I will not postpone the trip, violate my husband's words etc at the airport). Any way I talked to my dh's brother and he said he will ask my dh for extension. I will update later what happens. Please for me and my brother.
     
  10. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ushie, I am really sorry for the situation you are in.

    I am really worried to see your hubby acting like this when your brother is dead.All these makes me wonder where has our conscience gone.Thinking about money when somebody is dead is way too much.:rant

    You have not failed in loyalty here.Please do not talk of such things.If your hubby comes up with an arguement like that , tell him clearly that there is no connection with "loyalty" here as you have attended your brother's funeral and you need to.

    This is just ridiculous.

    To smoothen out the situation, this is what I would suggest.I Hope it will be of use to you.

    Tell your hubby that you are very distressed how you wish he was here to console you.Tell him that you want to come back soon but there are some rituals to be performed before which you cannot go out of the country as it is not good for the family.

    Just make(fake) him think in such a way that you are doing things for him and with him only in mind.

    We are here to pray for you.I pray that everything will be resolved soon and you have a better life.
     

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