Anger destroys marital harmony

Some time back I landed here while I was looking for help. I randomly read few posts and couldn't make a decision on asking for opinions due to bit of embarrassment as I am a male. Then I decided to read more, spent lot of time on reading almost all relationship threads with a view that I will find some answers to my queries. Well, almost everyone has some sort of problems in their life one way or another. In a way I am coming away from my discomfort that I am not the only one who is tangled into marital incompatibility issues.

But I must commend that there are number ILites here spend their valuable time to not only express their opinions but also put them into very meaningful writings to people who seek help which is a time consuming task. Another point I want to make out here is, by reading lots and lots of women postings, it really make sense to me if you look at them in women’s' perspectives about their torment and feelings. It is indeed true "Men are from Mars". Albeit I found a number of answers & solace from those postings, there are still my questions are not answered. Hence I raise this post to get the views in a woman's perspective.

I am married for just over 20 years with 2 teenage kids. We both work fulltime and our busy lifestyle take a toll on our married life. My wife is a perfect woman and a model wife & mother for outside world but at home, she is really nasty and hostile towards me and our children. She is a critical person and lately I can’t cope with it. She gets angry for anything and makes others miserable at home. It has been too hard for me to comprehend the amount of anguish, harsh/hurtful sarcastic comments, unbearable swearing words, and inappropriate gestures, distressing body language, throwing/breaking things, extremely emotionally abusive and physical punishment to children. When I try to talk to her she accuses me of bullying her.

She expects the whole world to be the way she wants, NOT over/NOT under and she doesn’t realise you can’t change the world by yourself and everyone should have some form of tolerance among what’s happening around you. I spend long hours on my travel/work, come home helping house chores & children and on weekend with cleaning/washing and other works. But nothing I do is right. I have tried to discuss this, to no avail. It is slowly destroying my self-esteem. Between my wife, work and family I feel close to burnout. She gets upset and cranky for trivial matters and she is not prepared to sit down and talk about, at least to prevent them happening in future. She cuts down lot of our friends as she thinks everybody want something out of the friendship and she is leaning towards not to have them. Of course I can see her point, but if you are going that way you need to compensate with something else.

Basically she sets her expectation too high and sets herself dissatisfied and blaming me for her condition and always makes a regular comment that she is not married to a millionaire. I have told her many times being respectful to each other is the utter most important thing in a married life and she doesn’t seem to understand that. I am involving myself to do more and more house chores than I was in the early part of marriage, and they never get noticed. For many years I prepare my own lunch to work, wash/iron my own clothes and do house works as much as I can, try not depending on her but I am being pushed down to the corner.

It has been a regular activity in the last few years that arguments & fights makes me unhappy and we don’t talk each other for weeks sometimes. When we are in denial/withdrawal mode, she just simply enjoys herself and makes herself happy. I don’t believe in that spouses should make themselves happy and not to look each other for their happiness. But I believe in instead of spouses learning to meet their own emotional needs that they should expect to have them met by each other, and met in a satisfactory manner.

These days she never wants us to spend time alone not even short period of time in a day. Even on dinner time, she prefers to sit in front of TV and expects us to provide everything for her. When I raised this issue she blasted me off that we are not romantic couple anymore hugging and kissing each other. Unexpectedly if we need to go somewhere and we are left alone, she becomes uncomfortable and whining about the surroundings and makes the moments wretched. Last year we went for short trip to a place for 3 days. On the very first day she got cranky because I didn’t agree where to go for dinner and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of 2 days and continued for weeks after arriving home. That incident really made me very painful about her anger and resentment.

No matter how many times I explain her that anything is possible through proper communication which needs to be agreed upon, she simply ignores and follows through her way of forcing her wishes. I believe when you are in gloomy mood, you have to be really mindful by respecting others even you don’t agree with them. It is totally missing in my case. In her work life, she is a good negotiator and a good organizer as per her work requirements. But at home she is totally lacking in negotiation tactics.

So far I have tried the following:

a) Sat with her and explained her we can separate if that’s what the ultimatum is, or that’s what brings happiness for her. - She moaned that I am crazy and I am going through mid life crisis and also exploded that something seriously wrong with me.

b) Advised her we go far Marriage counseling to come to an agreed situation. Her response was that I am having some kind of problems. We can’t get someone in the middle, as we keep away from many of them due to her behaviour.

c) Extracted and printed lot of materials from various websites on harmonious married life, meeting emotional needs etc. As she is not a good listener and reader, she told me she will read when she has time. Couple of months later I found out she threw everything to the bin without reading them.

d) Wrote all my feelings, requirements, current status and what is needed to move forward in a notebook (nearly 50 pages though) and gave it to her to read. She gave me a broken promise and never read it and she glimpsed a bit and accused me I wrote crap.

e) Appealed to Lord Ganesha / Lord Venkateswara and others

For a long time I have felt the marriage is not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to stay either. There are many other problems but I value her loyalty, braveness, devotion to children’s life and courage in life. I like to make quality time together but we share no common interests and no common goals other than giving our children good life. She won’t try anything I suggested to bring back harmony and closeness. What I appreciate most, my wife appreciates the least. Her actions puts me under incredible stress and strain which can do terrible things to my patience and capacity to care and I also think staying in unhappy marriage is real detrimental to health than a divorce.

I have learnt to live without physical intimacy these days but I am craving for emotional needs to be met.

Is it common women behave such a way around this age group?
Am I expecting too much and reduce my expectations?

I decided it is impossible to make her change and now I need to know how to cope with this

Any suggestions?

Hi
Really sorry for your situation. But can you tell when your wife started to show this sort of resentment, anger and temper towards you.

1.Was this a love or arranged marriage
2.Was there any misunderstandings between both your families during the wedding
3.Was your parents and relatives ok with your wife or was there any friction.
4.Were you guys compatible in the beginning and lost that compatibility or started off on the wrong foot.
5.Were your friends ok with your wife or did she have problems with them.

Can you please retrace your steps and give us more infomation about the initial days of marriage. Nobody will show so much anger unless they have been hurt and wounded very very badly.

If you read the posts here, women yearn, beg and plead for intimacy and emotional security from husband. If your wife is throwing that away, I am thinking there is a deeper reason.

PSE, what I analyse is your wife is a dominant type and you have given in a lot in this relationship. You do everything to make the relationship work and she does not care, so you are left with a feeling of unsettlement, emotionally and otherwise

See, if you keep asking her, you wont get a solution, if you ask her do you want divorce? she will say you are crazy. if you ask, do you want to go to counselor or do we go to counselor, she says outside person cannot be involved.

So you see, its not going to work that way, your kids are teens, how old? so possible they would move out soon, you just cannot pull on in this type of relationship which is hurting and not healthy overall.

Its time for you to give a ultimatum a decision , which you are not used to giving, it may be difficult, tough, but you need to do that, even if it means dissolving your marriage, your kids are teen and you can manage them, as they will understand, also it looks she is not a good mom as you said she is perfect to outside world but inside home she is very hurtful to all.

So, what else are you going to try? she has some pshychological issues. There are people who appear good to outside world and are opposite at home, have you seen people smiling at outsiders and snapping the next moment to loved ones?

May be living 20 years has done it, may be you guys have grown apart completely. whatever be the case, you will need to take care of your emotional health and one way is to get out of that enviornment, one way or the other.

Good luck

PSE Sir

Welcome to IL, am sure you would find some solace and releif if not with the suggestions but atleast by sharing your anguish, that some one is listening to you, so that you can pour your heart out and feel a bit lighter at heart and mind. (which is very necessary in the situation which you are in...)

Since when did you observe these changes in her??
Was she like this alll the time, i.e since the time you got married to her?

Is this some kind of PMS she is going through (this was the first thought I had...)

All the symptoms you suggested are the reasons of PMS. Please go through this link .

https://www.google.com/health/ref/Premenstrual+syndrome

so if its PMS Your Wife needs help...as per me, she needs medical help and some counselling...

However lets see what our other Ilites have to say..

Thank you for your replies.

Mlk2009

It started off 5/6 yrs ago.
1. Ours was arranged marriage
2. No issues between family, NO dowry, or jewels business
3. No friction (infact we knew each other before as we are distant relatives) We are living alone all these 20 yrs without any ILs on both side
4. We were compatible before although we had different interests
5. She had problems with couple of friends. But that doesn’t mean everyone will bite you

In the early part of the marriage she was so lovable, caring each other, doing things together etc.. She started off with managing / maintaining house works (house was being built) and she always argued with traders to get what she want. Those things were successful in a way and those achievements gave her more confidence then slowly started to dominate in other aspects. OK, she has talents and it is not being denied.

She also got involved in school (social, fund raising activities etc..) and gained some fame & visibility of her skills. I guess that must have put some self-belief as well. In a way self-imposed expectation is another form of abuse to other partner. I am a calm person and she is bit talkative. I want to set long time goals and she wants everything to be achieved at no time and everyone around her to be in her expected standards.

As the children get older, there are more responsibilities for parents and you need to tackle them as the day go by. If one minor thing is slipped out a bit, she gets really aggravated. Many times I told her, if something bothers her, talk it over, and look at the environment where & when happened and then analyse it. If something is not acceptable happend, then move on, it is not end of the world. One must satisfy themselves of what they got and try to work towards productive way.

Tridev,
As I said before, it is NOT bad enough to leave and not good enough to stay. At this age I am deeply concerned, separation is a cruel & bitter thing.

What I am trying to emphasize to her is to be aware of each other's limitations and lead to acceptance of each other's behaviour and a willingness to meet each other needs. Several times this was expressed that I am willing to listen and come to some form of compromise if she drops her expectation a bit.

For example in the holiday incident: Just before that she was willing to forget about what we eat for dinner because something was about to be offered to us to stay and enjoy further few hours in the place. Then it was dropped out, we didn’t win, so we have to be back to our place. We looked for places to eat and all were closed except some unhygienic places which I didn’t want. She always rejects unhygienic things anyway. Later I found out that stirred her a bit. The thing that annoyed was that she could have raised this as an issue rather than become resentful and emotionally abusive. In a way instead of helping to resolve a problem, it created a new problem.

The more I postpone or put up with her attitude, the more she takes it for granted. Her angry behaviour not only an ineffective way to produce long-lasting change in my feelings, but it also destroys the marital harmony.

PSE

I am going to mention 2 scenarios that might be the cause of your wife's behavior, and this comes from my observation of some people very close to me, who exhibited similar behavior with their families. Please do not get offended, because that is not my intention at all. I am just mentioning it hoping that it helps you understand the problem and hence find a potential solution.

One scenario could be that your wife thinks that this is the way the kids can be disciplined, and she also probably thinks that if she lets go of her charade, somehow her little world she has built for you and your family will crumble down! I have seen quite a few of my mom's friends and friends' moms who behave exactly like your wife. They are extremely nice and sweet to others, the best people at work, ready to help anyone with anything, but are tyrants to their own children and their own home. I feel your wife is like that. From what you have described, she is probably used to getting things done her way at work, and thinks that if she lets her guard down a little bit at home, the perfect world she thinks she has built will not be so perfect anymore. Your kids' age also probably contributes to her behavior, and she thinks that the only way they can be disciplined is by being extremely strict with them. And I think she has gotten so used to being that way, she doesn't know to respond to your gestures/actions of trying to reach out to her. And as Srividya mentioned, it is probably also the menopausal stage that is adding to all this.

Another scenario could be that something a little more serious that requires some sort of medical attention. This happened to a family friend of mine. The lady exhibited some behavior pattern similar to that of your wife, with sudden anger outbursts. One diagnosis given in the beginning was that she was prone to bouts of hysteria and was given medications for that. But due to her non-cooperation with the medication and her husband's impatience, it went unaddressed and eventually she was diagnosed as being mildly schizophrenic and started being treated for that. I do not want to go into more details of her life, since there is just a very small possibility of this being the case with your wife. But from seeing their life, I always think that the husband could have been a little more patient in helping his wife understand her illness and helped her through it.

Again, please do let me know if you find my post offensive! I promise I am only trying to help. All the best.

Originally Posted by peartree

PSE
Another scenario could be that something a little more serious that requires some sort of medical attention. This happened to a family friend of mine. The lady exhibited some behavior pattern similar to that of your wife, with sudden anger outbursts. One diagnosis given in the beginning was that she was prone to bouts of hysteria and was given medications for that. But due to her non-cooperation with the medication and her husband's impatience, it went unaddressed and eventually she was diagnosed as being mildly schizophrenic and started being treated for that. I do not want to go into more details of her life, since there is just a very small possibility of this being the case with your wife. But from seeing their life, I always think that the husband could have been a little more patient in helping his wife understand her illness and helped her through it.

Dear PSE
Please pay attention to Peartree's advise no 2
I also know of someone very close who I feel has the same problem... but unfortunately nobody in her family paid heed to her... and now though to outsiders she may be wonderful and sweet her family members are the victims of her venom & fantasies. This arises from all sort of make believe situations & insecurities. Infact I think the point has come where the lady believes in all her falsifications and has lost touch with reality.
Please don't delay... get her medical attention ASAP.
Sorry if both pear tree and I have sounded cynical.
Hopefully it may be simple PMS disorder.
all the best & and do update
K

Has she reached menopause stage? If yes, her frequent outbursts may be related to that. It is good to see a man seeking out solutions for his marital problems. Good luck with your efforts.

PSE Sir,

You mentioned teenage kids,were they boys or girls or ?

Typically if father give support to teenage daugther there are chances mother will look them differently and can give touble.Typically wife thinks,the husband is not there for her anymore.

Other thing,does she suffering with any depression?Surely something bothering her.

After reading your post one more time,I am not sure wether she has any medical issues or not but simply she is taking ride on you.

There is one proverb if we keep the cat in one room even cat can turn and bite the people.

Simply when you go home don't do any chores,tell her that anyhow you are not liking and do yourself.

Or take the kids and spend most of the time outside and get back to your work.

I think you need to teach her what you are contributing to the family.

The same thing goes in my family too not that extend and my husband is the one who has that mind.

I think kids can servive with her mother or they will teach her but you need to really stand up for yourself.I don't beleive talks will work here.She is in the edge of over self-confident and over power.

You call your kids and sit at table and have dinner.Doesn't matter if she joines or not.
Sometimes these people can realise or sometimes they can go to more exterme.

But don't try to be nice to her.If you are more nice and nice then they will take advantage of it.

PSE , what is advantage on one side , becomes disadvantage at some point, I have seen women, educated one, who will not travel from India to US alone, or vice versa, who would not stay alone at home even one night, who would want their husband to be there for them always, these so called women I call " Man dependent" or partner dependent, on the flip side, there are women who would like to do things independently and take charge, like they can travel anywhere and stay alone , they can raise kids alone, they can do business, talk to anyone etc, these women are " Independent women" and they would not be scared if they lose company of men(husband).

For women its a way to gain control, power . And some women are like that, who want to dominate the relationship even if the mate is reasonable. I call them Leaders who need their followers everywhere.

I was having this discussion with my wife today, that you have good qualities she can manage pretty much everything by herself, but that also gives her confidence to say good bye to family life if time comes and not compromise because that confidence would allow her to lead a single life

What you said about your wife gaining confidence and getting things done, is absolutely right, it is a characteristic of a dominant personality ,that is what I mentioned earlier

How are you going to change her? so that she understands the difference in taking charge outside and not at home fully is a big question.

PS: Let me give you one e.g my wife always thought I am more soft ,and dont scold people, even in US, lets say something breaks in my apartment, I got to leasing office and complaint twice , thrice, nothing is done, what my wife says, no one will listen to you as you are too nice, and some friends also supported her in her view, if you have to get anything done, you do, dont send your DH. now she goes to leasing office barging in, yelling at the managers, high tone and anger on face. the work may be gets done , but they get a impression and once they did try telling me, that the way she interacts is not right. we are held up due to something. I then told my wife somewhere in your mind you have developed that I am soft and cannot get things done being harsh to people, for her to get things done is to be harsh, thats it. So she would take charge and say and look angry to others. That is how she gets things done at times, but i seldomly get angry unless there is a need for it .

Originally Posted by PSE

She started off with managing / maintaining house works (house was being built) and she always argued with traders to get what she want. Those things were successful in a way and those achievements gave her more confidence then slowly started to dominate in other aspects. OK, she has talents and it is not being denied.