My Brother's Love Life !

Re: Please give me your suggestions!

Hi Pontu,

I understand u love ur family very much from what i have read. Pontu, take out ur brother somewhere outside and speak with ur brother if you can and confirm whether he is really going to marry this girl and if he says that he wants to marry this girl. Pontu ask him to speak with ur parents and break the news. Tell him what will happen if ur family comes to know about it through a third person. I think ur parents and brother should sit together and speak about it. Frankly, I know it is not easy as it sounds, but Pontu, finally it is ur brother and your family who is going to live together and what the rest of the world says is secondary. I know as u said ur family is conservative, but nothing is impossible in this world Pontu. We are not living in Victorian Era Pontu, so be bold. Speak frankly with ur brother and try ur best to help ur brother and family as much as u can. Let us hope for the best. May god bless u and ur family.

Best of luck

Sheery

 

Re: Please give me your suggestions!

Hi,

The MOST important thing here, is not what you or your parents want or are ready to sacrifice.. It is what your brother wants and is ready to give up..

Let us think on two different percpectives here.. First you and your parents..

Let us say, your brother DOES feel he can let go of the girl he loved ' for the sake of parents' and also to keep in touch with his sister '.. Simple word- Sacrfice. He tells you folks he wants to be left alone and doesnt want to get married to anyone else.. Would you people leave him so ? No. Your parents would defintly force him to get married to someone in your community. Much against his heart, he again gives in to all pressures and love for parents and sibling. Marries another girl.. never forgets his ex lover, makes his life miserable and spoils that girl's life for NO FAULT OF HERS ! Then what ??? How happy are your parents going to be ? How good a help can your husband or his parents be to your brother's ruined life ?? Looks bleak isnt ?

Now, from your brother's POV.. He is ready, to leave your parents and you for the sake of this girl.. He may or may not be in touch with you folks.. May or may not be there for your parents when they are old.. But somewhere, he could be happy ! OR, he may also realise that he REALLY wants his extended family too and would come back running to all of you few years down the lane.. The girl he loves, may or may not like it ! But that is upto HIM to handle.. NOT ANY OF YOURS..

The ball is in your brother's court.. What you,your parents, your husband and your inlaws ideologies are, is the last thing he wants to think now..

Your brother needs to decide, wether he can survive, even if his sister or parents do not keep in touch with him.. Now, he must be sensible enough that revolting and trying to change the way his parents' think is not feasible.. They live in a different era.. He must also understand, that you wouldnt be able to go against your husband or inlaws, for the sake of him simply because, YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT.. Talking about this, we cannot blame him when he THINKS ON THE SAME LINES TOO..

I dont say, one needs to go against parents to marry the love of your life ALL THE TIME .. But respite knowing the limits and conditions in your house.. if your brother went ahead and promised a girl, marriage, it must be because of some happiness he finds in that girl OR that he feels, he can easily spend the rest of his life with that girl.. I dont say, one can plan love.. BUT, doing something like this at the age of 31 which we call adulthood.. means, HE IS READY TO MOVE ON !

Guess, you folks must let him go.. If all of you feel at some point of life that the girl is what matters and not the religion / caste , take her into the family.. Else, let them live their lives.. I guess, unless his folks STOP him to visit them, your brother would think of doing it. I hope this..

I dont know wether any of you could decide that your brother must leave the girl he loves, so that your parents dont have to answer the society they live in or you... is quite right.. That is a decision your brother must make, so that NONE OF YOU FEEL GUILTY ANYTIME IN THE FUTURE !

He is an adult, so he must decide what he can afford to do and not..

Talk to him, ask him what he can handle and what he cant.. Tell him your limits and just respect his decision whatever.

 

Re: Please give me your suggestions!

This reminds me of my sister.We are muslims and my sister fell in love with a aHindu.So you can understand it was an inter relegion marriadge.My mother is also very conservative.
Initially it was difficult to convince her since its always the society that comes into picture for our parents.Even my BIl's mother was not happy.Trust me till today both the set of parents have never met.My mother gave a nod since she understood that this is where her daughter will be happy.At the end of the day,its your happiness that matters.Parents are happy only when their children are happy.
In such marriages only one thing concerns me the most,who will adjust to whose relegion.My sister and BIL follow thir individual faith and are happy that way.Even the name was not changed.But mostly in your case I feel your brother's GF will need to adjust and that is going to be tough.This is where the problems will start.If parents are staying together then its going to be more difficult situation.Think about all this and ask your brother to get this sorted out.
As far as your husband and his family is concerned,I feel they wont have nay problems.This is nobody's fault.In my case I was married after my sister so I told my DH before marriage itself about my sister,since I was always open about my sister's choice and I like my BIL a lot.
And also if you think practically,its not possible for parents and family to stay away from each other or stop talking for that matter.
Ask your brother to find out what your parents's expctation will be from the girl and speak to the girl.Discuss with the girl and then come to some conclusion.Its time to get realistic rather then getting emotional.
For my sister,no inlaws stay with them so there are no issues.Both the set of families maintain distance from the couple regarding relegion and other matters.

 

Dear Pontu,

As Preethi said " the ball is in your brothers court" its upto to him to decide but definetly life is not going to be very rosy for him.

I have a friend who many years back got married to a muslim much against both the parents wishes, infact it was runaway marriage where they got it registered only their friends being witness. But some how her DH pacified his parents got her converted, changed her name (all this he had to do because he was involved in their family business) I guess he had no guts to leave his parents because of financial problem.
My friend had a tough time adjusting to the new family, right from food habits to clothing everything was different, they have beef almost everyday whereas in hindu's its forbidden, she loved Hindu festivals specially dussera where her family will have a very grand celebration, nearly 100-200 people are still invited for that occasion except her, her family have totally disowned her. She misses these festivals very badly.

When her daughter was born, she had suggested a name irrelevant of any religion but NO her DH's family named her according to their culture, she loves to dress her daughter with Pattu pavada on some occasion but they were totally against it infact her DH himself don't like it.

So from major things to minor nothing is going on according to her wishes and now she regrets of having got married to him.

So please Pontu u call your brother and discuss with him directly if he ready for all the sacrifices he and his GF have to do, if he still persists then try to convince your family, that is all u can do from your side.

 

Re: Please give me your suggestions!

I completely agree with Blessed. It is never easy when people getting married are from different cultures. The challenge becomes exponential if the married couple lives with their parents. It is best for such couples to live on their own so both can first get a chance to adjust to ground realities of the differences they have between them.

Having said that, there are many successful marriages between muslims and hindus and failed ones too. So, risk should not be an issue since many arranged marriages where everything is supposed to work fail.

So, you should ask your brother to think this through - mostly understanding that the compromise that he and the girl he marries will need to first make with each other.

As far as your parents are concerned, I think staying close to them and being available to help as needed but not necessarily staying under one roof is important for everyone's sanity and happiness.

What really matters is that your immediate family needs to come to terms and everything will be a compromise and when everyone approaches this with open mind and ready to embrace each other's cultures - then this becomes a success. As for relatives, keep the detractors at arms length.

You as his sister can play a huge role in being the mature one and bring your SIL and your parents together. You can be the enabler for a happy family by constantly counselling everyone involved.

 

Hi potu, i unknowingly posted something else on this post but now that im editing let me tell you this...supporting your brother doesnt mean that you are being disloyal to your parents or inlaws...Just do what you think is right...I dont think you should let anyone inteefere with the way you feel about this...I know your DH is a very loving person and your parents are great people...But that doesnt take you away the right to have a mind of your own..Good luck