marriage-baby-??

I am 28, Indian, married for 10 months and this is my second marriage. My first marriage was dissolved by mutual consent only a year before I got engaged again. My husband ( this is his first marriage) is Indian too and I have lived and worked abroad for close to 4 years, which gave me immense independence. I moved to India after the wedding, after taking a long leave from my job and my lifestyle now is hugely different from before, and also, my childhood. We now live with my in-laws. I did see where I was going to live and how life was going to be in terms of privacy etc., but overlooked all that as I felt completely in love.

My problem is that I miss my career. Though I work here, it is hugely different and I am very ambitious. However, I do have dreams of a nice family life and children. I was assured my life would be as comfortable as it was in India before I moved abroad, if not better. Though I had agreed to have a baby early in this marriage, as my husband wanted to have it within a certain age, and I agreed, I felt very unsettled after the marriage, and wanted more time. Plus, he was travelling half the time for work and and the holidays also were spent in his classes, as he enrolled for a program as soon as we got married. So, I did feel we lacked time together, needed to bond etc. before a baby came in. Now, my husband seems to be very egoistic, that we don’t have a child yet and so we will never have one. He has said very clearly that ‘HE WONT HAVE a BABY- NOT THROUGH ME’ – He said, he is not fated to have a baby and said that if I am, then to work out the math myself!
I am still unsettled, because I travel a long distance to get to work and am tired of it. Where we live is extremely congested and shocking. He doesn’t own a car and his two wheeler is out of use due to some tax problems. He also travels tough, but he seems to be every adaptable. I must add, he travels abroad and locally for work and gets to travel in style and also stay in the best of places like Marriott. While I was alone, I travelled a lot and myself. Now I am unable to do anything, which is ok, but I had hoped I would travel with him- He had said he would take me along while he travels officially- but he went in for a home loan 4 months after the marriage and bought an apartment. So we don’t go anywhere and he is not the kind who takes weekend breaks. Now he watches every penny he spends and so we sometimes seem to to travel in discomfort and have no breaks. His work takes him to beach resorts with plenty of team building fun activities.

On a good day, he did say he wanted a baby recently, but I questioned that my job will take me abroad again, what will happen then- he quickly reversed what he said and has been indifferent. Now he doesn’t even make an effort and says, he questions his attachment at times- and that he can predict that we will drift apart as there will be no baby to keep us bonded. He doesn’t understand that I need to be ready. Plus, I am hardly in talking terms with my in laws though we live in the same house.

I am very confused and disappointed at times. I don’t know what to do. I had not wanted this situation for myself.

Dear friend, it seems you married the person without checking his background or finding out his family background ,you have proved that love is blind !!
Now you have to make the best of it and find solutions. You can ask your dh to find a more spacious house before you start your family.
He is expecting you to be the typical wife according to his standards and you want him to be your dream dh ! It rarely happens that way in real life, a happy marriage needs a lot of adjustments from both the sides. Your in-laws too need time to adjust with you and vice-versa . It seems that you are used to a higher standard of life and are also financially independent.
Men generally marry to settle down and have kids so that they are able to give them the best in life before they grow too old. It is a good idea to have kids at the right age but not if one partner is unwilling. You have to do a lot of introspection , running away away from problems or avoiding them is not right , please have a discussion with your dh about the issues bothering you.

Hey, I am a bit confused. Are you saying that you are putting baby plans on hold because of your career?

OP, so basically you are not happy with your 2nd marriage, I know by gones are by gones, but please PLEASE learn from the past. not to make you feel bad, but you should have given more time to 2nd marriage after your first went bust. that way you could have got some control over your life.

Now with this so called 2nd mess, how would you clean up? people say kids keep parents bonded, true to some extent and false too as it does not happen in all cases, many kids suffer due to parental neglect. Beware before you have a baby.

Thanks to the members here who are reading and replying. Yes, I have not been the wife he had expected according to his standards- as he believes in the home maker wife . Working balanced is ok too, to make good use of time. I can understand he wants to give his best to the baby and hence thinks it is late now- but I had been telling him what I wanted out of life too. Now, I really have made a mess of my life, but not waiting enough. at 28, my marriage, family, nothing has taken shape.

Dont be so depressed, you can jolly well take charge of the situation. What are you seeking and what do you want out of marriage? Married people have to consider their spouses views, likes and dislikes and try to keep each other happy.
You can both seek counselling as apart from the baby issue there are many small things which are making you unhappy.

I think you have a lot of things going on
1. Change in comfort zone, living conditions and conveyance facilites.
2. Change of job to something you consider less than ideal.
3. Fact that your husband seems to be travelling and having more fun than you.
4. Moving in with your in laws

I think you need to internally resolve and seek closure the above before you think of future decisions. Have you discussed your frusterations and challenges regarding the above with your husband? Have you guys taken any practical steps to alleviate the above? It is not easy to balance work and family and a lot of us face tough choices. Some sacrifice career and some family. Sometimes the choices are driven more by economic necessity. Marriage is about raising a family, as an adult we need to figure out creative ways to work with the situations we face and resolve them. Please do not give up. Good luck.

Yes, I have brought it up with him many many times- he doesnt even acknowledge that my living conditions have changed drastically. He would even talk like 'Yes, i will buy a damn car but I will never be with you in it'.
You can move into the house as soon as it is ready ( the background here is that his brother and he have bought apartments adjacently)- He never says 'we'- But he never discusses the house with me either or talks about its progress or plans about it with me ever. It is only when I rarely ask, whats the progress with it.-He had always wanted to live with his parents, if in the same town. His mother has told me firmly that his father will never leave their current house.While, he has talked in the past even before the marriage in the lines of all moving in there. Where does this leave me? So talking to him never gets anywhere. He also says' counselling and all that is crap-western bull****- and that you can go to fix yourself if you want-dont even tell me. I am so ready to communicate, but it never gets anywhere. so fed up.

Stop trying to communicate, give him a taste of his medicine. When you start a meaningful conversation, it shows that you need to talk, and are the needy one. Let things be for some time, give yourself some breathing space.
You can hint that bringing a baby in such an atmosphere will not be good for anyone. Indian men rarely seek counselling and maybe he is being bugged about the baby issue by his family too. Let the flat be completed , then see what happens and who shifts where. Old people rarely want to leave their house. Try making friends with other family members ,do small things for them, shift your focus from your dh .
Both of you are trying to hurt each other verbally and having a baby will further complicate matters. Concentrate on your job, you are lucky to have a nice well paying one so you can never be in a truly pathetic condition , thats the silver lining in your cloud !

He sounds hurt, why is he so bitter? I think you need to fix your relationship before procreating.