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Originally Posted by princessashes  Flowerlady, Yes- I did feel that I could do something for the entire house, but it is almost like they don't want to go ahead with their lifestyle. Mt MIL said very openly that she would not even think of taking a taxi because my FIL would not like to and never would do so, even when he can afford. It is a forced style that they have impressed upon themselves.
It is the same with the AC. No matter how hot it gets, they would let the fan rip but not get anything like a cooler over that. I haven't been born in one and lived with one-so I dont need one is their attitude. My MIL is very content with what has been provided to her and never ever complains. She has lived in the city for 35 odd years and still has not seen the landmarks here- for example, if you lived in Delhi, it would be very odd to say after 30 years that you have never visited the Red fort. Hence, I am expected to do the same-How can I complain/ look forward to something when I should be accepting it is 'my husband, house and way of living' -in her own words i.e. How long will you say-'i am not used to crowded buses they say- Get used to it, that this is how I am going to live.
Isnt there something called progress- I find it harder because I had gone from good to better in life and now its back to minus levels after marriage. |
princessashes,
Your mindset seemed to be modern and you seem to be an intelligent, relatively independent woman with a good head on your shoulders.
Everyone on this thread has given great advice.
However, I've been wondering about a few details you have given which gave me insight into the whole thing you're going through.
For example, you say that your MIL is a relatively simple woman with no regard or desire for things she consider 'luxurious' such as A/C. I know you might have been describing the general mentality of the household to further detail your husband's behaviour and what you are going through.
But in regards to your husband's family - it doesn't matter, does it. Let your MIL like whatever she wants. That's her prerogative.
If she doesn't like A/C, well good for her. But you do. So just ignore her imposing her views and agree to disagree.
I'm getting a vibe that they feel insecure and to a small degree, threatened by your independent spirit and the financial freedom you gain from your career which in one way or another, they might feel overshadows their son.
Perhaps your husband feels the same way too.
Perhaps this is why he has such a nonchalant, defensive attitude towards you.
That's why he says things like 'Go put A/C but stay in it yourself.'
I think what you can do is just put things more delicately to him. Most men, even non-Indian men, can get threatened by a woman's financial independence, especially if she earns close or more than him.
Sometimes they see it as an affront to their ability to provide. And of course, for many men, they see it as a challenge to their 'power', the 'power' they were brought up by their families (especially the traditional type of men) to believe they held over their wives and family.
For example, perhaps you have complained of your loss of standard of living to him and it made him feel very insecure.
While i understand it might have felt like a backward step for you, when you marry a fellow its the two of you together in one spirit to work together to a better life.
So you working and him working instead of seeing you two as separate individuals see yourselves as one spirit one body working together for a better life to create that better future for yourself which you might want to share with him.
Don't feel bad that he can't provide enough for you or pressurise him, instead encourage him. That way he will want to satisfy you because he see you believe in him to achieve something great than you just rubbing in his face that he can't achieve the standard of living you are used to.
So with the A/C for example, when you want to buy it, you can just say, "Oh I'm getting this so everyone can enjoy because my husband works hard the whole day and I respect you and want you to be comfortable so we can all share it."
Yes, everyone will know you bought it, but if you put it in a more delicate way they will accept that you bought it instead of see it as "oh this girl is trying to show off to us that she is better than us"
So, yes, maybe you felt that you rushed into this marriage but you're in it now so that doesn't matter. Never have regrets, whatever your choice, keep moving forward in any decision you make in a positive manner. If you think you did something wrong, learn from it, rectify it and progress further.
But you seem to be going in the right direction to trying to make it work for the both of you instead of just for him or just for you.
Positive thinking goes a long way, and I am glad you have come to a decision to give it a go to relocate abroad together (if not, you should try).
You can get stuff for yourself no problem, honestly, if you want to buy anything you want for the house, go ahead and get it. Why do you want to wait for his permission or approval before you get something?
Its you always wanting his permission, approval or acknowledgement of him to provide these things or you getting these things which made him perhaps mistake that you are complaining that he is a bad provider and perhaps he is resentful of it.
If he is still being selfish despite you trying to accommodate him, well, then perhaps its more of his personality than a reaction to a situation. You should probably reconsider your options.
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