[winpie]

When I first heard this – really heard this I mean, was when I had been married a few weeks. I must have heard such statements before but never paid attention to them. Having had an arranged marriage, I was just getting to know my husband. Though we had written letters to each other during the engagement period, living with him was obviously very different.
One thing I had learned in a short while was that my hubby was not the type to worry about what anyboby would say about his actions – I mean, he really didn’t care if others saw his actions as wrong or silly or anything.
So the first time I heard it, during a get-together at his friends’ house, my reaction was a raised eyebrow – as in “hah, I believe you!!!” You know – very sarcastically!
And then I heard the same statement again and again and again - not just from him but from some of his friends too. To top it all I could see that all the men who said it did not seem in any way weak or shy or afraid!
Each time I heard it I felt more irritated until one day all these friends kept talking in this way as though in competition to see who could come up as being the most scared!
I felt like giving them a dose of their own medicine and called over from the women’s group sitting on the other side of the room and said -

“A MAN WHO WAS REALLY SCARED OF HIS WIFE WOULD BE TOO ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT IN PUBLIC

AND
ONE WHO HAD THE GUTS ENOUGH TO SAY IT IN PUBLIC WAS NOT REALLY AFRAID BUT ONLY WANTED TO POKE AT HIS WIFE”
Since then I have never heard that statement again.
Now what could this possibly mean?
That the men learned their lesson about not poking at their wives in this way
OR
They discovered that they were really afraid of their wives and never again had the guts to admit it in public!

NOW WHICH DO YOU THINK IT WAS???????

[sigmabeta]

Ha ha Winpie!!! That was a good one.. I guess its the last reason they must have chosen!!!

[Priya_Mommy]

hi winpie,
I wonder if they could talk like that in public about their wives???
OOPS, this is really scaring me!!

[blissful]

May be they realised that what they said jokingly actually offended their wives and they did not to repeat it.

[Candleart]

Hi Winpie,
After a really long wait I was able to read this post ! It is commendable on your part that you took the bull by the horns , cleared the air and caught the men at their own game.
I think your statement hit the bulls eye and all the husbands learnt a good lesson not to make the wife the butt of jokes in public!! Yes ,secretly all men are scared of their spouses!

[poonsmom]

Winpie, wish u for your bold reaction...but generally i too have heard tht most of the men try to comment on their wives,about their marriage life as such that have fallen into a ditch by marrying...some may seriously mention but many of them are only joking.. that brings them some kind of joy..

My husband too would comment on me that he has been locked into the hands of me on getting marriage.but i know that he is just making fun..

So, dont take seriously..

cheers
poonsmom.

[12adityas]

Lol..I think its neither, I think its a cover-up. I never felt such way nor has my wife given me any reason to do so, but if I put myself in their shoes then -

I would have to say it probably has to do with a subconscious thing such as, say I want my wife to behave a certain way in public (like being by my side throughout the party), or do a certain thing the way I ask her to do, and say she refuses to do it; then, as a guy I shall never admit that my wife doesnt listen to me/my wishes. Rather, I'll try & cover up why my wife doesnt seem to be by my side/behave a certain way, but putting the blame on her - she scares me, so I moved far away from her & here I am with you my fellow men because I am afraid of my wife:)

Pure guy-psychology 101.

[winpie]

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies. I enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing that post!

First Aditya, it was good to get the 'guy perspective'. What you say could very well be true in many cases. In this case, this group of men always used to go and sit separately - without fail. Any get together meant that these guys sat separately in a tight group - it was very evident that we women were not welcome. So in this case, specifically, your take of it might not hold water!

Blissful, you have been the kindest here when you point out the simplest reason - that they realized that they were hurting their wives. Have you ever faced being the butt of that joke? Somehow I get the feeling that you have not. Good luck to you.

Poonsmom, candleart, Syama, Priya_Mommy, I guess you have all experienced this sort of talk.

Personally, after may years of hearing 'after-marriage-life-miserable' type of jokes - always cracked by men - never women - it makes me sick. I personally know a few couples where the wife is really miserable - scolded, poked fun of in public and what not by the same husband who then cracks these jokes.

As for not taking it seriously - I don't agree. Just think - in a group of say six men cracking such 'jokes' there might be at least one wife who is like the ones I mentioned above. When those of us who are not in that bad a situation keep quiet we are contributing to her misery. Those of us who have faced that situation know that these are not one time jokes - sometimes they go on and on with some of the men almost competing to make out whose wife was a bigger shrew.

What is the definition of a joke? Don't you think it means something everyone can enjoy? When there is a possibility of any person feeling hurt or upset then it is not a joke but ragging. Remember ragging? Some people getting the thrills at another person's discomfort? And, where is the need to make the wives the butt? I am sure there are many many other jokes which all can enjoy thoroughly.

I guess I better stop this post right here. I tend to build up steam if I start talking about such things. If I sound pissed off about the topic forgive me. I take this very seriously - I hate hurting anyone and I have seen many women hurt and embarrased in this way.

Thanks all for giving you input. It brought a lot of views forward.

[blissful]

Hi Winpie,

Blissful, you have been the kindest here when you point out the simplest reason - that they realized that they were hurting their wives. Have you ever faced being the butt of that joke? Somehow I get the feeling that you have not. Good luck to you.

Just wanted to reply to your question. Yes, my DH to has said this jokingly many times, but always with friends never with family. In turn I have made a joke out of this by saying things like “I cook for you and clean after you and take care of the house. You had better be scared of me.” or “Should have told me before. Now I know that I needn't consult you the next time I want to buy a LV bag.” or “If you are so scared of me, how come you've failed to notice that my glass / plate is empty.” or “I'm glad to hear that. My objective has been met.” etc. etc. If my DH can make a joke I expect him to take a joke sportingly too. And he does.

Some of my friends don't like it when their husbands make such a statement. They have told their husbands to refrain from saying such things and their husbands have. My reply was based on this. You did not like what was being said and you made a stand. I respect you for that.

[winpie]

Hi Blissful,
Your reply proves one thing - when you take a stand, you can stop such things. Unfortunately, women of my generation - I am 46 - and even many who are 15 yrs younger, though provided education were never encouraged to stand up for themselves. I have a vast circle of friends and I have never seen or heard them take a stand about anything.

Things are different now. I don't know which generation you belong to. Today, more and more girls are developing the confidence to defend themselves in all types of situations. You will find that today's women talk freely and knowledgeably in mixed company whereas some of the older lot still just follow the male conversation topics without ever trying to talk about other things except in all female company.

You found a very fun way to deal with such comments - a way which was based on humour. That shows that your relationship with your husband is on a more equal footing than many and also that you have a good amount of self-confidence. I always knew that such comments were baseless - neither of us was or is afraid of the other. I am the type of person who, if she knows something is false, will not care what somebody is saying. What I hated was seeing many a nice lady quietly accepting being the brunt of her husband's jokes.

Girls today most probably will not be able to understand the mentality drilled into women of the older generation about 'respecting' their husband. 'Respect' was a euphemism for not contradicting or arguing.

All in all, I would like to pass on your method to all those women who face such situations - Hey, girls! whenever your hubbies and friends pass such comments don't take it quietly. Rather, softly turn the tables with comments like Blissful did!!!!!