Are you facing Domestic Violence?

hi.....nice question. lets see how many of us come out.
let me start.....
physical abuse....2 times in 5 yrs.......
verbal.....lots of times.......sometimes i do it too.......

y am I tolerating.....Bcos I love him & more importantly he loves me a lot.Its his way of dealing with things.thats it. he does not plan anythings....i know that for sure.

 

hi,
on his side never. he seldom raises voice.but the silent treatment -like not talking with each other etc goes on .
i once did throw a glass on floor in a fit of anger.well,it cooled me but made him little sad at my behaviour. now,many a times during fight he quotes that incident to make me feel ashamed of myself.really, i call this mental dv.............
then once i went to see movie without informing him or carrying my cellphone(i had sunday routine of movie once a mth, but we used to decide together which sun to choose ,as he had to take care of our then 1 yr old baby) even this incident he quotes & has even told my parents about it so that i get scolding from them................is'nt this also mental dv........
pragati

 

Hi IH,

I liked the way you worded this post. Domestic violence means different things to different people. The degree or the extent to which we tolerate abuse varies. For some people silent treatment is a form of abuse and for others physical abuse twice in 5 years is acceptable.

The problem that most woman face is to recognize that what's happening in their lives is not normal and that they are actually in an abusive relationship. For some woman the realization comes so late that they pay a price with their lives.

Someone here suggested that the economic and social pressures are the cause for tolerating such abuse. Though I agree that these factors play an important role in lowering the self respect of a person, I believe the lack of self worth is the reason we tolerate such behavior.

From a very young age a girl child is taught that her job is to please her husband and in-laws. Almost all rituals at Indian marriages re-iterate that the husband is God and the boys side of the family are superior. When we move into a marriage with such a background, why is it surprising that we tolerate physical and emotional abuse.

I this we need to raise our daughters as strong individuals and tell them they are worth a lot more than the son-in-law. We need to teach our sons that his wife is not his property.

When we tell stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata to our kids, let us encourage them to question Yudhishtra's right to place his wife as wager or why Rama despite the Agni Pariksha abandoned his wife.

 

Hi, InfiniteHopes
To be honest, I don't know if these situations can be termed as "DV" in my case. I feel , the apt terminology would be "emotional violence" in this context. However, I am in a fix to decide if I should take any step towards the counsellors or just try to adjust.

1. Mine is a love marriage and my in-laws never accepted our relationship as its inter-regional.

2. Every time we fight, the topic would be either my in-laws comments towards me,their way of controlling our trips and vacations, our finance or my husband's over indulgence with his friends and family by completely ignoring me. As per his opinion, if his friend's visit us, then we should be submissive all the time. We have to do what they like, what they feel. If they say, they will visit "A" shopping mall, then we do not have the right to mention our choice such as "B" shopping mall since we like it. We simply have to live their life though we are individuals. I dont know why he wants to please someone sooooo much by hurting our feelings.

3. Physical abuse, yes, it did happen twice in 3 years. The reason for fight was ,my husband's friends. My hubby would happily ignore me when his friends are around. Lets say if we go for an outing, my hubby would ignore me to the fullest extent and love to spend time with his friends. I will be walking /shopping behind them all alone. That obviously irritates me and if I ask him to be with me, the usual behavior that I receive is a bad fit of temper infront of all his friends. So, I so called "adjusted" with his behavior and stay alone these days.

4.The same thing holds good ,when he is with his family members. He would throw tantrums at me infront of his parents/siblings. He would mock at my cooking, my food habits infront of them and his family very obviously enjoys it to the fullest extent. (They have assured themselves now by my DH's behavior towards me ,that he is repenting after marrying me).

5. Their family would mock at me( be it my parents, my appearance, my job,my way of living etc) and I should take accept it as per my husband's understanding. If I try to be so called "assertive" by letting him know my feelings , the result is a violent outcome of his temper. I am being put down stating I "over react" and making sarcastic remarks about each other is their family's tradition and I should adapt to that. bonk(Remember, its only me who is the center of those comments and no one else in the house is a victim of that amongst my in-laws).

6. Talk about finance, my husband would give hyper support to his parents. All I wanted to tell him, that we should support them financially but that should be within limits, however, I could not make him understand my point and I stopped talking completely about the same , these days. The percentage of amount to be sent home increases exponentially as per his increments in salary. So, the net outcome is we cut off our expenses, our vacations, trips and anything meant for our entertainment.

I am not afraid myself of coming out of this marriage but yes, my parents would not support me thinking of social stigma. Since, no one whole heartedly approved our marriage , my family is very scared of the taunts and remarks that would make them impossible to survive in this society.

Hence, I don't know.. where I am heading to... please enlighten me if I should consider these things as "DV."

 

I think one of the most overlooked types of DV is "verbal abuse." So many times, people think it's "not real abuse" because it's not physical. But for anyone who has experienced it, they know it hurts just as bad. I know I experienced it in my own marriage, and the things I've lived through I will always remember. A bruise goes away over time, but the scars from mental torture can linger forever.

As infinitehopes said, DV doesn't have to end in divorce. But it DOES have to be dealt with. That can include counseling, police intervention, short term seperation, etc. Bottom line is, don't just sit around waiting for things to get better. If you want change, you have to be proactive and get involved. Know your limits and what resources you have available if you need to "get out."

Strong girls result in strong women. It's important to teach young girls from an early age that respect isn't just touching elders feet and attaching "ji" to every aunt uncle cousin neighbor's name or covering your head when going to temple. It also means RESPECTING YOUR OWN SELF and not letting others violate that respect. It means letting your daughter know she is just as important as your son!

Those are some of my views on DV and what we can do about it. More later.

 

I was a victim of Domestic Violence.Mine was an arranged marriage and we barely knew each other before. My in laws are ruthless and greedy with only one agenda on their minds "DIL is always wrong and son shud stay near them even if doesnt ever come up in life doing so. They shud always have run of son's,DIL's and her parents life forever.DIL shud always suffer.Sons shud always be abusive to wife's in all ways and she shudnt complain ever".

My husband was never appreciated for any of his acheivements. All my in laws talk about is philosophy and how others acheived so many milestones. My FIL ,BIL themselves are abusive in all ways to their wives and my FIL to my husband. My husband took a cue and did the same to me for 4 yrs. It was a surprise to me as my parents have never lifted a finger on me. But after 4 yrs I took legal help and put a stop to it. My husband realized and our marriage is better. Although I can never forget the abuse, I am glad I put an end to superiority air and ruthless abuse by my in laws and husband. My husband tried to cheat on me,doubted me . This was also encouraged by in laws and SIL(she has a daughter and I hope one day she is in same position as I was in .)My SIL is the biggest hypocrite and is a sweet tongued monster.Anytime my husband talks about a problem with me pat comes her reply "Leave her."After that incident of me seeing legal help, my in laws still havent improved and try to boss me around. But now my husband realized he has been encouraged to do wrong things and our marriage improved a lot. There is only one way we can make something good in this marriage. STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM IN LAWS AND SIL.