Parent's house or in-laws house

Hi all,

I am new to IL. Happy to be part of IL. I have question that has been bothering for a long time and nobody to really help me out on this. I am confident that ILites would be very helpful to me.

Okay my question is, whenever we visit india, my husband says that i should always visit his house first and then later after couple of days or so, i could go to my place. My parents place is hardly 20 mins from his house. Also both my parents and his parents come to the airport.

Frankly, my in-laws and my parents do not share good rapport beacuse of the fact that my father-n-law is a real male chauvinist which my people did not like it. They even demanded dowry indirectly. Anyway that is all over now.

My husband is a real puupet here. He can not talk against his parents. They always emotionally blackmail him.

I was continously monitored for everything i did even to the point of monitoring my clothes and jewellery. This really bothered me and i told them i do not like such things. For which they said that they are doing what any in-law would do. They are still in 17 or 18th century.

I am not a submissive person either. So whenever we visit india, i suggested that i go to my place and he can go to his place and may be next day, since his place is just 20 minutes away i can go over to visit place. Even i do not share good rapport with my in-laws beacuse they expect to me very submissive and very servile. I even expressed my feelings that i need my personal space.

Please advice on this.

Thanks,
Kalai

Hi kalai,

This is a true problem for all the ladies who goes to India from abroad. Initially, yes, I was also very frustrated; but, now, after all these 10 years of marriage life, got some maturity and have started thinking that we can just land up there for their sake. In this way, there will not be any tension incl. us and our parents, everyone will be happy.

We are going to stay there for 2 months every 2 yrs or 1 yr. Why unnecessary problems you are creating on yr own? If not now, but, slowly, the inlaws will change and witnessing it too now. As long as they are good to you, just ignore other things and cheer them up. This is my sincere & experienced suggestion!!

RGds.

Hey Kalai,

Welcome to this ladies community. Sure you will get great suggestions here from the experienced.

Coming to your question, oh my you exactly replicated what is running in my mind. I will be soon going to Indian along with my parents who came here to visit me. In my case, though I am going with my parents, my husband wants me to go to my in-laws place direct from the airport. I argued with him that my parents are coming with me and how can I say bye to them getting down in the airport like what I would do with a travel companion? But he doesn't want to listen. His point is his parents (i.e. my in-laws) would be coming to the airport and they cannot go empty handed. They would expect me and my kid to go with them. He also gives another explanation that since I was with my parents here for past 6 months, I need to go to my in-laws place on landing in India. He has problems speaking anything to his parents and would think well ahead on behalf of them and would push me into corners.

I am not saying I would not go at all. My point is I will land with my parents, so let me go to my house and then next day go to my in-laws place. Does it make a big difference in 1 day?

I too like Kalai look forward to suggestions from ILites on how to handle this? I like to be sensitive to my parents feelings as well as to my in-laws.

Rgds,
Kanmani

I think many of us face this issue & there is no "real" solution for it... reminds me of "someone" I know very well! The issue isn't being submissive & servile alone, I think I WILL revolt if forced to conform... aren't we all free in reality???

The way I would handle it will be each of us go to our own parent's home & may be even spend a couple of days there atleast until you get over your jet lag & then go spend time with in-laws. Hubbies will always respond by not talking for you & will not see this as a big deal ... its because they don't have to leave their parent's home!!

Anyway I wouldn't want to be crappy & irritated 'coz of jet lag & be in my in-law's place. I would rather go there when I feel my body is adapted to time change to say the least of all. I'm sure no reasonable hubby is going to hold a grudge with you, they'd just be grumbling & after a week that'll subside & once you guys get back to your own home he'll be at your mercy!!!

Don't let this issue frustrate your visit... there are more happy moments waiting to be found, so go & explore & don't worry about it too much.
-L.

Kalai,

This issue- veetukku veedu vasappadi?

I have been thru the same predicament (to use the mildest word). After many years, I now have the maturity to go directly from the airport to my inlaws, serve a week and then shift to parents place.

Just go with the flow.

regards
VR

Hi folks,
I would like to ask you all a question. How would your parents and you too would feel if your brother's wife goes to her parents' place straight from airport even if your parents too go and receive them? Be truthful in replying to this question. Then decide what is correct.
Basically, Indian society is patriarchal one, we take on the name of our husband and his gothram. Our children are named after the elders of hubby and we follow all the functions, rituals and even food too, as in our in laws' house and family. Even the kuladeivam is hubby's family deivam.
In this scene, it will be apt if we go to inlaws' house first. Our parents can understand us and will not feel bad. But inlaws would expect the dil to go to their house first, that also gives them the feeling that they have control and also elated their postion among family and friends.
What is the harm in giving them that happiness, after all, we are not going to lose anything by this.

What a simple matter that our ladies have taken serious. It is the part of respecting our inlaws and husband by going to their home directly. If your parents did not come to airport you can visit them while going to hus's place. After two days you can stay with them also.Don't take such things seriously. Like Varloo said, will your parents agree if your SIL behave like that?

Originally Posted by safa

What a simple matter that our ladies have taken serious. It is the part of respecting our inlaws and husband by going to their home directly. If your parents did not come to airport you can visit them while going to hus's place. After two days you can stay with them also.Don't take such things seriously. Like Varloo said, will your parents agree if your SIL behave like that?

hi,

Yes. My parents never mind my SIL going to their parents house first. They never interfere in what their both DILs do. They give them complete freedom. There is nothing wrong in going to their parents house first to relax. They will be so longing to see them and spend some time with them. I wonder when these males change their mindset as well as the in-laws too. How all the women can lead happy lives without tensions like this. There should not be too much expectations from a DIL now a days as everybody is earning themselves and brought up with a lot of freedom from childhood. When will the people change the narrow mindedness !!!!

regards
mrudula

Hi Ladies,
Yes very true we Indians especially in the south we DIL's are expected to respect our in laws to the core, if only the mother in law treats her DIL as her own daughter and understand her point of view them half the problem will be solved, they find it very prestigious to tell their family members that their DIL came to their home straight from the airport and still the reigns are in their hands , though definitely we know there is no true affection or love but only their rights.
But I think this problem is only minor and of course it's in our hands, the main point is to enjoy your short trip so by pleasing our In laws you are pleasing your hubby too, so by visiting your in laws place directly there are many plus points.
HEMA

I agree with mrudula... In our family DILs always stayed in their parents home, only did day visits to in-law (our) home. That's what the DIL wanted & so that's what they got. Unfortunately not everyone is broad minded about it. It doesn't mean if some things were done without a rational behind it that everyone has to follow it. So if you want to make your point you can still do it... in the end its what makes you happy. If you're happy grumbling about not spending time with parents first or more then so be it. But if you are happy revolting so be it too. In short "to each is his/her own".

But atleast learn this for the future... just because it hasn't been changed don't resign and say that it can never be changed. Ask yourself what have you done to change it? Every one who has / had this issue should take a step in the right direction... like give your future DILs & SILs their choice. Don't blindly follow rules & blame the society, if it matters that much to you then you should take a step too.

L.