Parent's house or in-laws house

Dear Kalai n Frns,

First of all u raised an interesting topic which has been bothering our Indians from the very beginning ...

If we go to India after a long time ,we don't want to get hurt anyone's feelings. Right ??? Now coming to the point I thought exactly in the same way as Varloo asked us..... Ofcourse I don't have any brothers.But I assume if I have a bro n how would I feel if my SIL go to their mom's house 1st... I definitely not gonna be happy unless there is an emergency ...

What I would do is I will go from the airport with my hubby to my MIL's house 1st n spend there for a few days n then go to my MOM's house with my hubby. In my case if I go to my MOM's house 1st hen there will be another world war gonna start for sure.... I just don't wanna hurt my MIL's feelings n I give respect to my MIL's family n I am sure my MoM n DAD can undestand the situation than any one...

So Frns...my advice is if u wanna spend ur time happily with ur families just go on in our tradition. That's gud 4 every one. Don't create this simple issue into very problemetic with our behaviours. Let's all try to get gud name n fame to both the families as a nice Daughter n DIL... ( This is just my personal feeling only )

What do u all say????

hi all
great topic for discussion and if u all have open mindset let me suggest u something
hmm i think u shd first go to ur inlws place bcz after marriage ur place rightfully belongs where ur husband is orlse u cud have stayed wht ur parents life long isnt it
whn they have give u in marriage means they want u to setup ur own family and whn ur in india u have very little time why to waste thinking where to stay
my suggestion is as ur parents r just 20 min away u cud always spend ur night time wht ur parents and daytime till lunch or eveng wht ur inlws or stay a week in ur inlws place thn to ur parents place
in this way u wil be statisfying everyone including urslf
dont try to seperate ur parents myparents sort of thing bcz u ppl r there to spend wht both of them
how ur parents mean to u his parents mean to ur hus also isnt it
leave out ur egos and try to enjoy ur stay
dont mind if i am little aggressive in my answer pl see the issue with open mind and no reservations :)

Like I said before if you want to see a change... be that change yourself. Otherwise don't complain.


-L.

Marriage is not just between 2 individuals in our soceity but between two families. Let us all be bridge between both the families between both the families. (This is a word of advice given to me by my MIL). I am so happy that to a large extent, yes to a large extent, I am able to follow it with everyone's support.

All parents are possesive of their children. But husband's parents are possesive not only of their son but also with their son's family. The social set up always leads the DILs to think the other way. Think them as your own parents and then you will not feel that they are your husband's parents. Always one more small word which I would like to share - which my mother tells me (this was given to her by her grandfather). Never say your parents to your husband but say my inlaws and at the same time dont say my parents to your husband but say your inlaws. This works out much better. I follow this advice and it is helping me a lot

Coming to Kanmani's situation: Yes you are coming with your parents. Just like you they will also have jetlag. So I feel as your husband says go to your inlaws place let them pamper their grandchild (you will also be pampered). Let your parents take rest. They have left their house for a long period of time and they will have issues to be sorted. Let them do it. You can drop your parents enroute if necessary.

My mom after all these years, she use to mention her inlaws as OUR PARENTS (namba amma/appa)to my father and the same to rest of the SIL/BILs too & her parents as my parents(enga amma/appa)!!! I always admire at her as I cant adapt this habit that easy.

On seeing yr msg, I am really inspired. Good Rajmiarun...

Always one more small word which I would like to share - which my mother tells me (this was given to her by her grandfather). Never say your parents to your husband but say my inlaws and at the same time dont say my parents to your husband but say your inlaws. This works out much better. I follow this advice and it is helping me a lot

Dear Ami,
Thanks.

As I have said it has helped me a lot, it doesnt mean that my husband too follows the same trend. Though he mentions my inlaws as namma amma/appa (our dad/mom) it had taken almost 10 years to stop telling unga amma/appa(your dad/mom). Now he mentions my parents as my inlaws, and my brother as my BIL. (Though I always long that he calls my parent dad and mom as one of my cousin's husband does).

One particular thing we all should understand, we as girls directly or indirectly were taught to adjust to any kind of situation. And so we are expected to adjust(though it might be hard to at first) if we do go according to our husband's and our inlaws wishes, slowly we will get our turn to do things as per our wishes. True it will take a lot of time or say years but definitely we will have our say at things. Just one thing we have to remember, it is our family and not just our husbands family.

Havent we accepted the fact that we have to move to our husband's house after marriage? Then why this doubt of landing there first if you are out of station for a long time.

It is very interestng to know the views of others in this matter. And also that many people want to avoid bitter feelings is nice.
I would like to share with you all some happenings.
One is- one of my friend's brother is in US. So her parents visit them annually. The mother's parents live in Chennai. So whenever the mother comes back from US, she goes to her mother's place and comes back to her home after a few days. Mind you, the mother is in her late 50's and imagine how old her mother will be. Also, the father would have come back 2 months before the mother. But this lady complains that her dil does not stay with them then she comes visiting from the US. My friend also comes and stay with her mother most of the time. How hilarious this situation is!
Both my sils' place is Chennai and they always go there first. I never feel bad, as I would also like to visit my mother first.
I have heard that in the North, once the girl is married, she does not come to her maika much, not even for the delivery. The Rajputs don't even drink water from their daughters' houses without paying for that. And many brides throw rice behind them when they leave their homes after marriage, meaning that they are paying for whatever the parents did for them. And it is like a bereavement to see the Bidaai ceremony.

Hello Kalai,
If you have a good rapport with your in-laws and if they show affection, then it should not be a problem as your stay would be filled with love and affection.

When I went first time with my mom and kid to India, I went first to my parents house, even my husband said same thing like it will be insulting, they would go with empty hand etc, I said better they don't come to airport itself, they can just wait for another one / two more days.
If I am going with my husband, then I don't have choice, I will go to their house else I always visit my parents house.

ANyways, my in-laws they never like me or my kids, it is for sake prestige, my mil will create these kinds of problems that I should visit them etc.
I stay longer in their house with my husband, in his absence I never visit for more than 2 days. As they would never help me out with anything in their house. ( I need to buy milk for my kid separetly, they will never buy even half liter for my son, they never gives me a blankt, pillow to sleep, I need to carry from my mom's house) It will be like , I need to carry half of the house to my in-laws house to stay overnight.
Now I have become strong enough to fight all these issues with my husband and mil. when i am going for vacation, i need good rest and peaceful life.

Take care,
Punitha

Hello Everybody,

I would like to mention some of my views.

I would like to recall what varloo mentioned on 23rd Feb 2007.

"But inlaws would expect the dil to go to their house first, that also gives them the feeling that they have control and also elated their postion among family and friends."

So here comes the real story. What do you mean by control here. Nobody can control anybody. We are grown up adults and its high time these inlaws or so-called barbarian people understand that dil is not a slave or apprentice.

The unfortunate thing in our culture is that woman are meant for cooking,cleaning and entertaining men.

My fil once mentioned that however high a girl is educated, she is still a woman and however less a boy is educated, he is still a man. What a supereb dialog. I think some of you would even agree with this saying that this is how it is supposed and the woman should give up. right?

I wish and pray every girl should be born with a brother like Raja Ram Mohan Roy. He abolished 'Sati' only after seeing his sister die along with the husband. For those of you who are not sure of what i am talking about pls google it and with the keyword sati and raja ram mohan roy.

Hell with this cruel culture.

Dear puni

hi i m mona i read ur problem with in laws, i m also in the same boot, when i stay there i have to work like anything, and the most worse is nobody realise that

we can mail if u want
take care