Success Stories Anyone?

infinitehopes · Feb 17, 2009

Hi Everyone,

I recently joined this community and found it amazing for its participation, maturity of opinions, frank discussions, problem solving abilities and neutral nature. Also, I guess its easy to relate with people who have been through similar situations and the number of people you can reach to through this site is amazing.

The reason for me to start this post is to possibly understand
- How this has been of help to you in your difficult times? It need not always be a problem of grave nature, it can simply be a query.

- Did the information shared, opinions expressed, suggestions provided by ILites help you get through your situation?

As I am comparatively new to this community, its difficult to trace back threads and find out if the original poster was able to solve the problem.

I hope the success stories you can share here will help newer members believe in this community.

The failures in resolving certain situations will help us understand different angles of the situation and we can try to learn from those mistakes.
******
Dear moderator,
I wanted to start this thread in "Marriage, Spouse and In-laws" forum, but unable to do so. Should it repeat it in all the sub-forums?
******
Looking forward to your responses!

Priya16 · Feb 17, 2009

Here is my view.

People feel little bit relaxation by sharing there problem and talking to other people.
Solving the problem, may be simple thing could see the result by implementing in different ways.
Complicated situations it's not so easy. Problem with In-laws and husband, it is not very easy to solve them by talking to them and person whoever has issue not able to implement all the advice given in the forum, based on he nature and based on the family situation (husband just might have different behavior).
In our Indian marriage once women get married, In-laws and husband knows, she will not go anywhere by leaving him and they know they try to stuck with them. By knowing these they will mistreat woman and they don't understand women feelings (They could but don't want to try it). So because of the mentality of people not all, at least whoever have issues, its not the easy to solve until people change.

asuitablegirl · Feb 18, 2009

I got great advice when I came here with my problems. But you know, it was advice I already knew in my heart even before coming to this site. Things like "stand up for yourself," "demand respect," "take charge." :thumbsup

But having so many ladies behind me really gave me the courage and affirmation that I was doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong, implementing the necessary changes was hard work, but it has made me a better person, and my marriage has survived. Before coming here I let my inlaws walk all over me. For nearly 6 months they lived with us and I allowed myself to be locked out of the bathroom, kept in my room for days at a time, have all my savings money taken away from me, and worst of all, I lost my dignity. My husband wasn't standing up for me because he simply refused to believe that his parents could do wrong. I hesitated to give him important details because I was so scared of my mil. :hide:

But you ladies gave me strength. A year after they left, I finally had the courage to tell my dh exactly what had gone on and word-for-word the things his mother had said to me. Rant It took time but eventually he realized his parents were not right. When his mother demanded we start making payments for a vacation home for her in Goa, I put my foot down and said NO! tsk And when they insisted that they would come and live with us and that my education and my career would have to end so I could "take care of them" I made it clear... over my dead body!

Looking back at my former self, I'm so ashamed. I was so weak! Today I'm proud because whether it's inlaws, husband, or anyone else, I don't let anyone take advantage of me or abuse me. I came close to leaving my husband because I did not want to continue living my life as it was. Everytime I confronted him on the injustices going on in our own home, I felt like all the ladies on this site were standing behind me giving me strength. I stood firm.

Finally I have a husband who not only loves me, but RESPECTS me. From day one he has loved me :kiss, but I now realize the respect was missing. This site helped me to earn that respect by teaching me one important lesson... you must respect yourself first before you can expect anyone else to. Now I do, and he does too.

Sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship or around abusive people for a long time, you start to think your situation is normal. :crazy I started to believe that my mil calling me "whore" and chasing after me to hit me was normal. I started to rationalize that "this is just the way life is." Well, let me now say, THANK YOU ladies for snapping me out of my stuppor and letting me to know that that behavior is NOT normal.

My success story is written partly by you ladies here...

THANK YOU. :thankyou2:

infinitehopes · Feb 19, 2009

Priya16 said: ↑

Here is my view.

People feel little bit relaxation by sharing there problem and talking to other people.
Solving the problem, may be simple thing could see the result by implementing in different ways.
Complicated situations it's not so easy. Problem with In-laws and husband, it is not very easy to solve them by talking to them and person whoever has issue not able to implement all the advice given in the forum, based on he nature and based on the family situation (husband just might have different behavior).
In our Indian marriage once women get married, In-laws and husband knows, she will not go anywhere by leaving him and they know they try to stuck with them. By knowing these they will mistreat woman and they don't understand women feelings (They could but don't want to try it). So because of the mentality of people not all, at least whoever have issues, its not the easy to solve until people change.
Click to expand...

Dear Priya16,

What you say is very true.

Simple issues can be resolved immediately with the help of suggestions in such forums. But complex issues need time and also people should be willing to change.

At the same time, I feel how this forum and the suggestions here help is - in changing one's attitude toward the problem. When we keep thinking about it in our head, we keep thinking about so many possibilities - but there is no one to counter what you are thinking and so there is always an element of doubt. So sharing feels better - because you find someone saying - you are thinking right or this is also another possibility or other person could be doing it because of xyz reasons or may be at times members will tell clearly that the original poster is being paranoid or wrong. So that validation helps.

And it is very true that if people can implement the suggestion and others at the receiving end reciprocates in an expected way, then the results can be positive. But if they do not take things in the right spirit then suggestions can backfire - causing more damage. Hence its important to not lost hope and feed back the members with information and get newer ways of solving the problem.

That is one of the reasons to start this thread... as more ILites and silent readers will go through this, they will feel confident that things can be changed. And it may not have anything to do with the advices given on forum - but it may just work as a good moral support.

Would you like to share any particular instance here?

infinitehopes · Feb 19, 2009

Dear ASG,
That's a great success story! Thanks for sharing!

I can see that you will continue to enjoy fruits of struggle done in early years. Have a lovely married life!

asha_karthik · Feb 19, 2009

proud of you.. asuitablegirl !! and thankful to this team !

sandu · Feb 19, 2009

Of course! IL has instilled confidence in me, made me realise my rights and stand up against wrong-doings. Life is not a bed of roses. I still face problems. But, my outlook has changed. I have developed the dont-care attitude, instead of being a frightened chick, and have stopped being a doormat to my husband and in-laws. Thanks to the wise ladies here!
Sandhya

Priya16 · Feb 19, 2009

Dear infinitehopes,

Thanks for checking with me.
For god's sake, I don't have any big trouble going in my life.
Definitely I agree this is a very great forum and I leant lot of stuff by going thought different issues and ideas, which I was not aware of before.
Only my concern is, like ASG issue, she was able to stand up. But people in India and even in US just got married even though they are working and financially capable (only god should know about in depended women and there issues), How many women can stand up like ASG. Because society will not accept it including own parents and will they able to remarry? (If issues become very bad).
Why our society builds up like that? Why people don't understand people individual rights and once the women enter into marriage, inlaws think that its there own property and can treat anyway the way they want.
Just out of the college girl, got married (in case of mess in-laws family),at that point she doesn't know what to do also(because our system will not teach about the people rights and how to survive in difficult times)
Our system, from the child born they encourage to study and study. But until get marriage now one teaches anything about marriage and expectations in marriage. System will not teach about emotional part of the life.
I believe for the younger generation something should be taught about the marriage, relationship and individual rights.
Lot of women is suffering with the name of the marriage and our system teaches men domination.
Women born in US, I believe much stronger(in the sense to fight for there human rights) than women in India. I am not sure from which part of the system they got that strong ness.
I hope we should teach to our son’s and daughters about the relationship and how to behave in the relationship and how to teat other person equally.

chocolate · Feb 19, 2009

I would like to put in my own experience here too.I think most of the ladies here have got a good idea by now. My husband is the youngest in his family.Precisely the baby of the house.His elder brother and elder sister have just barely scraped thru their academics.My MIL herself is a very smart woman who did her masters in just before my marriage and aced it. So the onus was on my husband to shine thru. My FIL was brutal with him to be good academically and abusive too.That abuse has carried scars and my husband himself was abusive to me. My FIL is of old school of thought who feels what a man does and feels is always right whereas he is always telling off his SIL. I was surprised when my husband physically abused me first.It was verbal too.When it was time to confront my husband and FIL mouthed off that its normal behaviour. For 4 yrs it was back and forth with no solution in sight.My FIL is cunning and ruthless who is very money minded. Ultimately one fine day I had to call 911 and set everything right. My husband realized with counselling that he is at fault.My FIL wudnt agree and tried to instigate him saying his son wasnt at fault.I am from a well to do family. My co sis is from a very poor family and my SIL married into a well to do family.When I wanted to separate from my husband during that time he pleaded with my parents to convince me not to do so. He wasnt interested in seeing his son married but was upset becoz if I separated he wud loose out on all the money and properties.
My FIL and SIL are a scary combo. They can ruin anybody's family by their sweet talk and make it look it was for the said person's good. After the arrest my husband saw thru all their talk and realized they are not good as they project.
After that he has been good our marriage much better.My FIL and SIL are fuming and trying to do damage thru e-mails but they havent succeeded.

Some of us have some experiences whose scars we carry all thru our lives. But we have succeeded and feel proud of our acheivements. We shud never loose our self respect and never to mean minded in laws and husbands who dont see reason.Our parents didnt educate us to be belittled by them. We deserve better and we have worked hard to get a better life.Its only I will take charge of my life which got us here.
Chocolate
A suitable girl,
PS: My FIL and your MIL are of same school of thought.Big LaughBig Laugh

infinitehopes · Feb 21, 2009

Dear Priya16,
By the time I reached towards end of your post - all I wanted to say was "What is society? Its you and me.. So its we who need to change. Albeit the results will show only few years down the line - but they will show"..

And then I reached your last line, which reciprocated my feelings
"I hope we should teach to our son’s and daughters about the relationship and how to behave in the relationship and how to teat other person equally."

Yes - that is what we can definitely do and I am sure people around us will observe and change for the better!