i m feeling guilty please suggest what should i do?

anujaakshat · Dec 31, 2008

i m a housewife, i had a pre marital affair with a married man 9 years ago. first he did friendship with me and i thought it was a sacred relationship. but gradually he forced me to make physical relationship with him. i denied to do so but he made it. gradually i started loving him but i knew it was a short term relationship. i told him to not to do so but he said he loved me . i loved him physically, spiritually, truly but later i realised that he had his family ,i should leave him so that he could live happily with his family. he said i should forget him now. i got married . i got married 6 years ago. i have no connection with him for past 9 years. but still sometimes i remeber him . i think still i love him. but sometimes i feel guilty for all that. i m very loyal to my husband ,i love him very much. please suggest what shoul i do to get out of my guilty feeling. i m not able to understand whether the love of that man i mean my lover was only a kind of rape or a true love. he doesnot interfere in my life now. i feel too much guilty that sometimes i want to commit suicide but because of my 2 children i cannot do so. though i m very positive minded, yet sometimes i turn negative only because of. my that mistake. please suggest

Drpreethis · Dec 31, 2008

Anuja ,

To be frank, no one can actually make you get out of the feeling whatever.. I say this because I feel you are doing it purposely. You quite well know that it is not such a nice idea to think and feel for your ex this way and still do it.. and that is exactly why you feel ' guilty ' ..
I very well understand the fact of what a first love means to anyone.. Be it man or woman.. You definitly were so true to him and your physcal relationship added to it.. makes you go emotionally divine..
But then.. thnk about it.. you said he has a family. He has gotten over it.. Why are'nt you ? Doesnt your hubby keep you happy ? Does he detach from you emtionally sometimes which makes you think about your ex ? Is anything compromised on the home front which makes you miss your ex ?
End of the day is it all worth ? WHy dont you handle things which actually " make " you and " allow " you to think about that man.
Our mind , Anuja should be in our control.. Memories need to be just that. You shouldnt allow it to come your way disrupting your present and future.. I dont really expect you to forget everything.. all i say is just dont force yourself to remember it which is actually making you feel guilty.
Put your husband in your shoes and you in his.. Had he kept thinking of everything in the past and still ' claim ' to be love you.. Would you feel good about it ? Loyalty does not only mean physical, Anuja. Emotionally and psychologically too you need to prove it..

Sit back and think again.. thinking about your ex ( who atleast is not taunting you in person about your past affairs ).. doing any good to
your ' nice husband ' and ' growing children ' ??

Dont waste time on such things.. Take care !

reshsabu · Dec 31, 2008

Dear Anuja,

You seem to be a naive, genuine and straight forward person.

Please dont blame yourself for what happened. The guy you were involved with 9 yrs back is the one who was wrong. He was a manipulative and selfish guy who just wanted to have a nice time without affecting his family life. I can see that your love for him was true,but if he loved you, he wouldnt have lied to you about being married. Suppose he still loved you inspite of being married - that also was not the case, because if it was like that, he would never have forced you to have physical contact. If he had any love for you, he would have thought of you in these years and made an attempt to get in touch with you.

The saying "You have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince" is so true. God doesnt always give you what you ask for, he gives you what is best for you. You should be lucky that you did not end up with that selfish and insensitive guy. And think about it, he wasnt true to his wife, so if you were married to him, how can you trust him to be loyal to you.

What I feel is wrong in the way you think is that you are being very forgiving towards this guy inspite of what he did to you. You seem to be the very selfless lady, who was worried about affecting his family life than the pain he had caused to you when you realised that he was married. He didnt care about you... then why are you being nice towards him?
Please dont be like this. A person like him, doesnt deserve it.He was the typical 'Bad Guy' .If I was in your place, I would have just hated him for hurting my feelings.

So, my suggestion is, whenever you think about him, think how lucky you are that you did not end up marrying him and also think about how happy you are in your current life.Also, he doesnt care about you anymore. So, why waste time in thinking about someone like that. Thank god for the gift he has given you.The fact that you still feel guilty about what happened 9 yrs back shows your commitment towards your family. I am sure you will make a wonderful wife and mom.

Cheers,
Resh

chocolate · Dec 31, 2008

Anuja,do not feel guilty.Your earlier relationship was wrong from the get go becoz the guy used you to get his way. He had no intention of something more concrete in future. I feel he is a two timing person who cant be trusted with a future. You are better off without him. Think of it as a blessing in disguise. So what if you had gone all the way with him.Its done and over with.Dont blame yourself for that part of your life.I feel you are lucky he is out of your life.

One more thing I feel is you find something lacking in your marriage.Thats the only time we feel what could have been in our lives. Get a makeover and take up a course or a hobby. If you feel ready take up a job. You will interact more with people and have a outlet .It will relax you and make a lot of difference.Good Luck.

Nitha J · Dec 31, 2008

Anuja..
To make it short and simple, move on with your life.
I am sure that you are not the first person in this world,or in India or in Shimla (no offense to anyone,pls) to have an affair before marriage. You knew from the start of this relationship that it is gonna be short. So why all this pangs of guilt now,ie after 9 years? :spin
So my advice, live in present, not in past and spare your thoughts n time for the person who is living with you for past six years , not for someone who doesn't even think about you.
Happy New Year
-Nitha

rjhari · Dec 31, 2008

Anuja,

This is very much similar to one of my friend's situation. This friend of mine went little far not ready to give up. It turned up nasty, he ended up avoiding her, making his wife talk to this poor girl. She realized finally, but unfortunately things did not work out later in her life. I mentioned this, just to say that god given opportunity to lead life happily and make other happy, should be really taken seriously. You got that opportunity. Think a bit, is it really worth thinking about a person so selfish, on top, feeling guilty??

Take care of you and your family. They need you. You deserve them. only them.

Rihana · Jan 1, 2009

Hi Anuja,

It is quite common for people to have relationships before marriage. Some might just be boyfriend/girl friend type from college/ work place/ city or town where one grows up. Some have a physical relationship too. My guess is that premarital relationships are more common than we think.

As Drpreethis said, first love with physical relationship attached to it, "makes one go emotionally divine" (so well phrased!) :hatsoff
I would say, what you are going through is fairly normal. There is no need to feel guilty. We all go thru times when we wonder "what if", 'how would it have been" "should I have..". You have 2 kids, love your husband and have a happy marriage. so, there is basically nothing you need to do. You are doing fine. I am assuming here that you are only once in a while remembering those times. I am assuming that you are not trying to replace your husband with that person in any way.

Most Indian women, feel guilty if we have any kind of relationship before marriage. AFter we get married, and are living a happy married life, we want to go back in time and erase that affair or relationship, as we feel that is a "bad thing" clouding over our current life. We are traditional and sentimental at heart, but also human enough to have an affair.

I am not sure if that person in your past really used you. I would say it involved 2 consenting adults. he has moved on with his life.You have too, and you are only remembering those times now and then, which is normal.

Focus on your life and kids, and as time goes by, you will have happy memories build up and slowly replace those old in your mind. and meanwhile, be kind to yourself, don't blame yourself for past events. It was not a mistake. It happened, and you both realized your errors in time.

You have not mentioned if your husband knows about it. If he doesn't, think hard and long about telling him, ever.

don't feel you have to respond to any questions in this response. I wish you luck. We Indian women are so strong.
Rihana

eshwarsrimandri · Feb 8, 2009

Hello anju garu, MORNING
our friends havebeen sending many valuable suggestion that regarding what should u do...

Here i would like to suggest you is that , GOD HAS GIVEN A GREAT GIFT TO ALL OF US i.e. FORGETTINGNESS . OFCOURCE IT IS NOT SO EASY , forget whatever has happened to you in past. and it is not only the time to think about ur self but also about ur PRECIOUS FAMILY. HOPE U GOT .

According to my observation :-
when ever humans(male /female) feels alone OR leisure OR workless
then 95% of their mind will think about the bad happenings in their life, SO LEAVE PAST & LIVE IN PRESENT & FOR FUTURE.
your words that your loyal to your husbandT This is ok , but NEVER USE TO TELL ANYTHING ABOUT PAST.

TAKE CARE OF YOU & YOUR FAMILY.
:rotflBE HAPPY & LIVE IN HAPPY:hiya

Stillagirl · Feb 9, 2009

Hey,

You probably already are aware that you are supposed to move on from that episode of your life.... Just one bit of advice, sometimes acknowledging the presence of a problem makes it more real that it is. What I mean is when you start to recognize the fact that you r thinking about him, and then start to construe it as a problem, it gets more importance in your mind....everytime you want to go back into the past, maybe try recollect the learnings you got or just the happy memories. You have grown as a person after that, acknowledge that...You are a good mother and a wife, appreciate yourself for that....Dont let the past rule you

Good luck!