what would u do if you were me? plz help

meena6721 · Oct 15, 2008

hi all
i joined only today as i felt this is the only place for me to discuss some personal stuff of mine. hope u will hep me.

just because he is doing all those and i confront him , what do you all think i should do?
sometime i feel i am soo naive and i actually don't discuss the real issue with him. what is the real issue i should discuss?
do you think what i feel is right? (in italics)
am i overreacting???
what would u do in my place??? can you please read and help me.
thanks to all in advance.

i am 25 and my husband is 30 and married for 8 months now. i am average looking and medium built. it was an arranged marriage. my problem started just after three days of my marriage when at his aunts house, when i was playing with his wallet, i found a girl's photo behind his photo which he told me it was his best friend and he tore it off and i believed him.
i felt why he never had my photo and hers was it because he liked her more than me

even after a month he was still silent not talking much to me like before. so i just kind of started asking about that girl in the photo and this time he said she was his friends friend and changed the topic. but i did manage to know her name(anjali- i have not mentioned real name).
used to see him more comfortable and friendly with his other female friends and brother and not with me. i felt maybe i am not his type

one morning, before leaving to office, he forgot to logout from his user on the laptop. all that while i had a separate user name called guest and i had to log into it. i was looking at different drives and ended up at one folder which had lot of different pics of different indian girls. when he got back home i confronted and asked him. he said his friend was sharing his laptop and he had downloaded it and later he he deleted.
i felt if his friends did share his laptop then he would have given them a different user why let them use his?

that time only i got pretty doubtful and i told him we have to use a single and same user and know the password and he said ok. so i thought everything was fine and running smoothly till one day i wanted to chat with my friends and then suddenly his id opened up as he hadn't logged out and i saw a list of his chat friends like more than 80-90 girls that's when i realized that he used to chat with them and maybe they used to exchange pics or something. but i dint tell him anything.
i am still wondering why someone would even chat with some girl on net a month before my marriage?

after three months, on a Saturday, he was checking his mail and one of his friends sends some relay funny forwards so i said i want to read that while reading i just looked up for anjalis mail. i found out she was in fact his ex and they used to chat a lot and had shared some intimate emails which he still preserved.that's when i felt hurt , because i wouldn't have felt hurt if he told the truth but he only lied all the time looking right into my eyes saying she was his friend and everything was over 2 years back.
i felt if everything was over then why he never deleted any of her pics . he even had a folder in his trash filled with her pics. and never deleted it but managed to delete all the other things in the trash from last two years?.

he told me there parents never agreed for the marriage because he comes from pretty well known sophisticated family. but i came from a very ordinary family.
i felt he is trying to punish his parents for not having him married to his lover.

he even had her on a social networking site and was in touch with her after marriage too. and he was a fan of hers in that. i asked him to delete only her from the friends list but he ended up deleting his entire account. he used to meet her up when ever he visited india and carry gifts for her which on one occasion he told me accidentally when he was in a good mood.
i felt maybe he dint wanted to hurt her so deleted the account

to make the matter worse he used to watch **** like not those dirty ones he is just obsessed with seeing film actresses with wet cloths like shirts. i digested this simultaneously and one day when we had an argument i confronted. from then on he started deleting the history. and today again he had forgotten to delete and i saw such stuff again. they are not in vulgur clothes but partly naked.

our sex life is not great for me. all the time he makes excuses that he is tired and has to get up early. i thought maybe i should take initiative and he may like it but it was only making me feel like a slut in the end. and then we started doing it once or twice in a month after his approval. i felt that may be he has a low sex drive like some men and really felt i should adjust to his libido and i was still feeling great without a good sex life.

a month back his friend had come to visit here and stayed at our house. his wife was pretty and he was watching her a lot when she dressed up in her night pajamas and sleeveless top when her husband had gone to the bathroom. i saw this in the gap in my kitchen and i was almost hurt.
i felt when i wear he never bothers to look at me then why look at someones wife?

then the time came to confront as i felt i had seen too much of things. when i used to ask him why he acts weird and he all the time quite he used to say its because of me. and would never explain why. i used to ask him why he had soo many chat friends and he would pretend as if he doesnt know what i am talking about. he started saying things that i am imagining too much. and he used to make look like a stupid. i was pissed off and i became pretty abusive after that and he started hitting me. once he even pushed me soo hard that i injured my head from a fall.

he never comes and apologizes. all this time i used to go and patch up like a fool. i have quit food for days and he has made me sleep on couch but never comes back to apologize for what he does.

i am mentally , physically and emotional hurt.
plz help

chocolate · Oct 15, 2008

Meena, Too many issues here. All in all , it only shows your husband is not committed to the marriage.He might be in depression or anger due to the fact that he cudnt marry his ex.Whatever the case that doesnt entitle him to abuse you. Next time he does it please do take some action. Here in such situations a 911 call will be a great help.Maybe later I will post a detailed reply.
Take care

prettywomen123 · Oct 15, 2008

Hi Meena

Sorry to hear you are so disturbed and hurt. It is very pathetic to see some one we love doing such things. I think he is not happy because he couldnt marry his ex lover. I have a friend who was also in the same situation as your hubby. He fell in love with his own uncle's daughter and after 7 yrs of love, that girl got married to another man due to family pressure. This friend of mine got married to another lady but still he always kept think abt his love and never used to share intimacy with his wife. Finally his wife got so pissed off and gave him a divorce.I used to call this guy a cynical person as I always see him depressed.He is so absurb instead of thinking abt his own life he kept on thinking abt hi ex lovers life.She is happy and settled with 3 kids, at last who lost it, it is this guy who lost his own life..

If I were you, I will not have the patience you had to keep everything in your mind. I will immediately open it up with him and ask what his problems were. Straight away ask him if he is not happy in this marriage and doesnt want to have a relationship with you. If he is not willing to open up then tell him that you have watched all this. If possible try to ping the girl anjali and explain to her about your situation and ask her to explain things to your hubby, if and only if you think he still talks to that girl. Its high time you open up now that he is lieing . These type of guys dare doing anything tomorrow. If he is not being frank make your parents or his parents involve.Save your marriage soon girly..

asha_karthik · Oct 15, 2008

Hi Meena dear.. sorry to hear how hurt you are. "Men".. whatever kind they are.. they never likes to reflect the affection shown to them. In case of your hubb, he seems to have another reason too.. his ex.

You seem to be a very rational person and sound to hv tried lot of options.. but nothing in your note says that you have tried to speak to him like a friend.. not as a wife. Tell him that you want to understand things better, and that you can forgive a sinner & not a liar. just speak to him.. dont react if he says something like "i loved her a lot" or even worse.. just wear a sweet smile on ur face and listen to it. I am sure you would hv tried all this, but just in case you have only tried to confront him all these while, stop doing that and try to call him out sometime just to talk peacefully.
Every couple hv issues in the 1st 1-2 years of their married life in some way or the other.. (in some case it continues after that, but mostly it ends there) and its no new. It happened to me. so try to work out ur marriage positively, not making it look to him like you are very desperate for him. Just make everything look normal to him again for a few days, then try talking and dont get disturbed by what he says (its already clear that he was not a virtuous person in the past - so digest the fact), then make him understand that you are there for him to understand whatever he has done in the past, and that in future he needs to be for you and you only. If he isn't cooperating with you in this entire process, involve both your parents in these discussions finally. Try and work out ur marriage and don't work against it for sometime as it is only 8 months since you got married.
To answer your questions - your observations must all be right and you definitely are not over reacting. But you just need to act differently in order to bring "indifferent" ppl to work for you... just the usual way of reaction might not work with them. In this process, you can really try to understand him better, maybe your inlaws played a typical villian role here and spoilt him you never know.. try to understand from all sides.

And.. you seem to be a very nice person.. hv good food and sleep well. Just act as if you have not had any food - that is required for your drama, but you are too precious for your parents and yourself to go starving. Try and do good things for urself in order to at least divert urself and make it look different for ur hubb. just dont care for him for sometime.. dont even react to his presence around.. just be casual.

Finally, next time if he hits you, give him a straight punch on his face !

Keep us all posted - we would be worried otherwise. Take care..

cute teddy · Oct 15, 2008

Hi dear,
I really felt bad after reading what ur going thru....:-(
my first suggestion will be stay calm as always.....:shhh:and observe
talk to him one day and tell him that if things dont change u will tell his n ur parents about it....lets c how he reacts just talk n give him 2 weeks to decide what he wants to do.....and in this 2 weeks dont pay a ny attention to him like he does:evil:
and dont ever try to ignore if he beats you....... i ll not say call 911 immediately bcoz he is still ur husband...
if u have have any close friend nearby try to take help n hide:hide: urself for 5 6 hrs IN THE WORST CASE SCENERIO...just to see his reaction
if he is still the same ,,, that means he was forced to marry you and he is not committed ....
and this is the time to take action talk to ur family they ll do the need ful...
it really makes no sense dear to live in a realtionship with so much pressure on you...
u ll fall sick n u dont have any family here....
and once we get married it doent mean we shd leave our parents talk to them as you always did before ur marriage.....
one fine day if something really bad happens which is out of ur control your parents ll not be able to take it......
pl take me in a positive spirit ... i dont wannaa break ur relationship........i know how it feels coz its not even a year u got married .... stop being slave and talk to all of us we are for you.
love take care

cute teddy · Oct 15, 2008

Make some good friends which whom you can talk.. if u like any of th replies or u feel it is helpful try to talk to that person on phone trust me everything ll be all right its just a bad phase of life...:thumbsup

drjp · Oct 15, 2008

First, I will tell you what I would NOT do.
1) Slap or hit him back when he hits you. Tit for Tat is not solution for problems. It is not time to test his commitment to the marriage (it is obvious that he is not) and moreover the minute you hit him...you will be labeled abusive too.
2) keep policing him. He is a 30 year old adult.....policing, preaching, taunting etc only aggravate the situation.
3) involve parents yet. From your post it is clear that he is blaming his parents, so involving them could worsen the situation. He can easily blame it on them and escape.
4) accuse or finger pointing.
5) Take any of this as personal mistake (it is not your fault that he had an affair before marriage and it is not your fault that he is not willing to forget it).

Coming to what I would do:
1) Take a vacation or in the least spend a few days away from computer, phones etc.
2) Talk to him like a friend...honestly, frankly and matter of factly! Point to be conveyed is "..you understand his feelings and that he is not able to get over the ex. This is a problem, and you are willing to work with him. It is obvious that there are only two possible solutions for this problem...stay together or separate".
3) Come with your plan for both the solutions. What are you willing to do if he decides to stay together?
Hope this helps.
Take care and good luck

kolli143 · Oct 16, 2008

Hi Meena, I feel really sorry for you.
But I have to totally agree with drjp.
You need to take it easy and stop prying too much into his emails and browsing histories atleast to preserve your sanity.
Take a break and talk to him face to face as to what his future plans are? Let him know that his behaviour is hard to accept and there should be an end to it. Lot of issues can be solved when you sit and talk as opposed to blaming the other person.
But please do not take any kind of abuse. No one has any right to hit the other person physically. Please seek some help like calling 911. They will warn the husband in these cases usually as far as I know...which works out good in most cases. These so called men are "mard" only before the wife. When an external power that is more than their own enters the house, they calm down like scared cats.
Good luck.
-Swathi

srilata.t · Oct 18, 2008

Hi Meena,

I feel bad for you. It sounds like your husbnd has a roving eye looking at other females, is maintaining a relationship with this Anjali person and is not committed to your marriage. I advice both of you going to a marriage counsellor and also tell your parents so you have their support. Even after counselling, if your husband does not change, think of living separate lives. If you are not already working, get a job and be financially independent. I know many wives spend a lifetime of hell trying and hoping to change their husbands (because I'm one of them) but it is very difficult to change a person. First of all, your husband needs to acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong for the marriage and genuinely want to change. If he does not feel that way, then nothing can change him. You have not been married a long time and you don't have kids. Think about this and good luck to you.

Lata

revathyramesh · Oct 21, 2008

hi meena

i can understand ur pain if u see a other woman pic in ur husband wallet.

i want to explain u something.

mine was love marrige .like movies my husband is my fathers sister's son from childhood we loved each other and after long fight(explanation) with my mother i married my husband.

after marriage the third day he called me fool in front of every one i felt bad.u know why he called me like that i watched tv.

before marriage he never scold or fight with me not even for fun.i donot know how to cook so i got many scolding from him as well sometime beating too.

i have so many problem with my mil.until i tell him the problem he doesnot even know what is going between me and my mil .

men doesnot know anything until u tell them.

after so much like this in past 5 yrs.now i understand him better.life is going on.

yours is arranged marriage.is ur husband is still in love with ex. or he just had her pics or having still contact. find out that.

i have heard many man watching sexy movis,naked women in net.

so donot give more important to that as now.

talk to him.comment on movie star dresses.the way they act .make ahealthy relation ship with him.

make him feel comfort he has to talk abt everything and share his feelings to u.because u saw the pic and know abt his watching movies he is not moving closely to u.

take sometime and approach him in good way.make ur mind that everything will be alright.and then start take to him in friendly way.

if u seen any good looking girl join with him and admire the beauty with him.

make sure he is not having contact with ex.
more important tell him clearly no more lifting his hand against u.

tell him u can not share him with any one .some men knows it only u tell to him.how much u love him .

tell him it hurts u so much when he refuses u ,not moving closely to u.

hope he will return to u soon.

take care

revathy