Adoption??

Hey Janvi,

First of all relax and congratulations on even deciding to adopt..You have made a very good decision. Even we are thinking of adoption and I know what situation you are in...Recently(last year) my brother and SIL have adopted a baby girl from India. When they adopted her she was 7 months old and she is going to be 2 yrs this december..They are very happy and even the hwole family is very happy. Everyone supported the decision.
Now coming to you
1:
1: Love can change anybody..And we are talking about small children..When you show love and affection and when you give the child the needed happy family which the child has been deprived of, then the child is even better off getting such a happy family..You can definitely mould the child in your own way by giving good values.

2: Doctors specially psychologists do suggest that you tell the adopted child when they reach a reasonable age (16-18 yrs) that they have been adopted..Again it's a matter of personal choice...You need not even tell the child, if you think that will create distance between you and the child...If you decide to tell them, then at that point it's a matter of choice for the child to find adoptive parents...But again it's 16-18 yrs down the line...The situaiton is very unpredictive...You can also tell the child at that point that if he/she wants to look for the birth parents then you will be supportive..But after all the love and affection you show to that child, the child might not even feel the need to look for the birth parents

3: Regarding issues about inheritance… If you legally adopt the child then the child is “YOURS”. So whatever belongs to you will go to the child(unless you decide otherwise). Regarding grandparents giving something to the child, then I guess it’s upto them. But as far as I know, a legally adopted child is the same as a biological child..You can consult a lawyer for this

4: You said you are worried about the acceptance of the Child in the family. You said you are ready, your husband is ready, your in-laws are ready, your parents are ready (I assume)..what more do you want!!.. People around you (specially relatives) will talk 101 things…They will talk today, tomorrow or even a month later…But after a point when new gossip topics come up they will forget…They are not the ones who are sharing your misery…They are not the ones who faced the problems you did!!!
If you think they will create trouble, then just call everybody one day and tell about your decision and make them aware that this is what you want and you do not expect any problem with them in this matter in the future..
But if I were you, I wouldn’t really worry about relatives…They have been here to talk gossip and they will be there…You should just listen to your heart, your immediate family members and be happy that they are very supportive about this decision…There are so many families who are not supportive..So you should be very lucky! And about getting the child married off, I agree with your husband…These days most of them are opting for a love marriage and finding their own life partners and moreover 20 yrs later things are going to change even more…So don’ t look so much into the future…
Take one day at a time…You will be giving a deprived child a much needed happy family at the same time you will have a child of your own..It’s a mutual thing..Just think about it..
Some points to remember!
I don’t know how you are planning on adopting..I would say adopting from an orphanage is the best option..Choose an orphanage where they would not tell you any details about the birth parents and vice versa (even the birth parents should not come to know anything about you). I would say this is the best route so as not to attract any strings in the future…That way you know the child is yours and will be yours and there will be no claims for the child in the future…Again this is a matter of personal choice..
Let me give you a small example…My paternal grandfather was adopted in early 1900’s from an unknown family…My great grand father did not have any children and after marrying twice he finally decided to adopt from a poor family back in early 1900’s…Now almost 108 yrs later..our Uncles, aunts, my dad including all the kids (like me) are placed in very respectable positions…Now my own brother adopted a girl from India from an orphanage…And we are all very happy about his decision…It brings immense joy to all of us looking at the innocent child who brought light in all our lives. Whenever I look at the girl it gives immense peace of mind…We are all so lucky to have her..
So just relax and take all the support from the family(immediate family) and just go ahead with your decisions. Just to caution you, adoption is a very emotional phase…So consult a good lawyer, find a good orphanage and believe in GOD!.
Good Luck!

 

Hi Janvi,

i read your post and felt very sad about your woes, because I have closely seen people going through infertility issues. Assuming that, you have some limitations imposed on you in form of genetical issues and you cannot have childern, adoption would be the best way forward. Understand that this is one of the thing which has to be done on time ( that does not mean you should rush). when I say 'time, I have certain example in mind. A couple were married for 30 long years. They came to know of their fertility issues in initial years of marriage, treatments did not work, but they kept postponing their decision of adoption. Finally after 30 years of marriage, they adopted a son, who was 27 years old at the time of adoption, but 'attachment'was never developed from both sides and today the adopted son and parents don't see eye to eye. This is a very rare/ extreme case, but trust me- it is true.


Now coming back to your dilemma (sorry for the long post)-
1) True that inheritance can't be changed. Certain things are genetic. But, do you think you and your partners are such ideal souls? No one is perfect, so you can't assure that your own blood will 'inherit' only good things. Also, A human personality depends more on upbringing and the surrounding/ company. So, if you ensure that you can give the child best of the upbringing without spoiling him/her, i really don't think that inheritance will play such a big role.A child learns from what he/she sees around, that picking the major habits through the 'blood'.

2) To some extent, it depends on how you break the news to the child. Of course, it is painful thing to hear, but it can be done as amicable as possible. I know one of such case, where the child loves the parents like his own, though she knows she is adopted.

3) there are always issues about property, etc between parents and the child. If she/he is the only child, this will be minimised. And you should ensure that only because you were not capable of giving birth, you should not pamper and spoil the child to an extent that it becomes violent or does any extreme things.

4) Your child is your (you and your partner's) priority not other family members. And in such cases, even if anyone is not happy, you have to be firm and they have to accept the child. Right from beginning if you make one thing clear- "Person doing any kind of injustice to this child ONLY because it is adopted, have no place in our liles", things will be much simpler. So, again it depends on you. And your husband is right.... 20-25 years down-the-line you won't have to search a partner for your children...they will be smart enough to do that (and sometimes i suspect if the concept of marriage will exist bu that time )


If you decide to go for adoption, you will have to firmly stand by your decision and stop anybody from speaking rubbish. Also, you do not have any right to spoil that innocent child , rather think it this way- God has given this gift after such a long time, so make sure that you do the best for the child and make every attempt to turn him/her into responsible/good person. Easier said that done... But, please don't deny yourself of the joys of being parents because of those myths.


In the end, it's a good thing to consult and get an approval for such things from the elders, but understand that final decision should be only yours and your husband's. because no one else will come and wipe your tears when you spend those sleepless crying and thinking that you are childless.

 

Dear Janvi,

I saw your query last night and typed a long reply, somehow it is not showing up. The other friends have given you very sound suggestions and opinions, I have nothing new or improved to be added. Still, here goes.

If you find any of my words offensive, please forgive me and just take them objectively.

I have been married for 13+ years and am still trying to start a family somehow. So, I can fully empathise with you, possibly more than you imagine. With a genetic condition, it is not ideal to conceive. I am sure your fertility consultant had spoken to you about biological options that you can still consider- like accepting an ovum donor, or using a surrogate.

To me, your situation seems like God is watching over you and protecting you full time. If not, your genetic condiion would not have been revealed. So, start the adoption thought process with a positive frame of mind. Think that your real child, for some reasons has come to the world thru another set of chosen parents/mother who will reach the child to you.

In my husband's family, for many generations, almost all the first children are adopted. His sister, after 18 years of marriage with no children, adopted a lovely baby girl.After that she was blessed with a biological daughter. The sisters love each other, and we all treat both children the same.

To answer your questions:

1) Everyone says that we wont be able to change the inheritence or ado of the baby( Sanskar )So, whatever he or she gets from his or her real parents we wont be able to change it even if we give the child happy family and all the love in the world? Is it true?

Truth be told- we human beings cannot change anything. Everything is pre ordained, we just follow the rhythm. I will answer your question in three small parts.

The inheritance of a child is in three ways. The adopted child will obviously look like its biological parents and not like you. But adoption agencies match the child to the parents on many parameters.Physical appearance is a major factor. You will definitely get a child that matches the general appearance shown by you and husband.

Second, if you are thinking of diseases and genetic conditions that the child may have inherited- that is not an issue. Adoption agencies will clear the child for HIV, Hepatitis B, Downs, cerebral palsy etc among others. You and husband have a legal right to take the child to a good hospital and get all checks done to ensure that the baby is healthy.

Third, if you are talking about the general character of the baby and its moral karma yog, then you should not even go in that direction. A child's character is determined by the love, discipline, acceptance, parental authority and other material needs you provide. Personality is surely a combination of nature and nuture.But nuture takes the stronger role and can totally eclipse any inherent defects that nature will provide. The child of a thief or a prostitute will not become a thief or prostitute, anymore than the child of a saint or scientist will become a saint or scientist. The abilities, interests and other factors in the child and parents determine what the child will become.

All children- biological or adopted will go thru good phases, bad phases, rebellious phases. Adoloscence is equally tough on all kids and parents. I am the only cherished child of my parents, still I have rebelled against them, been lazy, made my own radical choices knowing fully well that it will make them unhappy. These are all part of the growing up deal, and I dont think I love my parents any less or they love me any less after all this.

As far as the karma yog is concerned, you cannot control the ado of any child- be it biological or adopted. Maybe, your adopted child will be one coming to the world with much inherent good karma. Obvously, the baby has reached you- good parents who are so anxious about giving the child a good home even at this stage. What more do you need to convince you that your baby has good sanskar and karma??

Remember, neither you nor your reatives (who seem to have such stringent anti adoption views) can change any sanskar or ado of any of your children or theirs.

Will answer other questions in other posts that follow.

 

Janvi sweetheart,

I am back after breakfast with my take on question 2.

There is a quote by Gibran,'your children are not yours----' (you will find the poem by Gibran and post on this by Kamla here).

We do not own our parents, siblings, children, spouses, relatives, friends or anyone. We do not even own our own bodies. Whatever ownership we perceive is only assumed, imagined and temporary.

Philosophical pop psychology apart,these days, psychologists counsel adoptive parents to tell the child at a proper time, that the child has been adopted. Regardless of whether there is another biological child after/before the adopted child, this 'reveal' is always a dreaded moment for the parents. If the child is going through puberty,pimples, adoloscence and angst- then the hormones will compound the complex issue further.

Get professional counselling before you do this, anticipate the questions the child will ask and keep your answers ready. Make sure the child has a non - partisan, third person counsellor to allay all fears of identity and belonging.

Will the child go in search of the biological parents? There is a very strong possibility. So, pre empt that question honestly. Adoption agencies get children in two ways. Either abandoned- in which case, they themselves will have no record of the birth parents. Some like Missionaries of Charity, may have records of the mother and maybe her family. But my own experience is that, the adoption agency will not reveal all details easily.Many mothers will state definitively that they do not want any future contact with the child or its presence in their life after that (where they may be married,mother to other children etc).

So, cross that bridge when you come there. I am sure your child will just digest the news, mull over it and come back to you as its parents.

Wrt care of parents in old age, I am not a mother, but I dont even imagine that my son or daughter will look after me in old age. Even today and yesterday, how many children care for their parents in old age? We are living in days of nuclear families, working women, migrant and blended families, small living spaces. Reality is harsh, but how many parents live fully with their children? With daughters, you are assured of love and tenderness.But daughters, we all know will marry and go off. And sons will also marry and go off. It is not the fault of the children. Such are the nebulous times. Be it biological or adopted children- old age care, reaching in time willingly to do last rites- all these are all unpredictable. Dritharashtra had 100 biological sons, he nutured them thru their good and evil. And finally who looked after him in old age?

Just live in the present. You cannot project hypothetical future situations.

 

Me back again---- I am becoming a bad penny here---

If there is a lot of property and estate, and no proper will- then be it biological children or adopted children- there will always be conflict and tension. And at times, it can lead to violence,blood shed etc. These are all real possibilities, we cannot wish them away.

Regardless of whether you have other children (adopted or biological), regardless of whether you are part of a Hindu Undivided Family (where lot of property is jointly held)- all these are situations that have legal preventives.

When you adopt, the agency will make you give in writing that a certain part of your estate will be bequeathed to the child. You cannot change that easily later. They will also make you deposit some money in fixed deposit maturing in 20 years or so. So, the adopted child will already have some inheritance from you, right from the beginning.

Whatever else you earn after that, it is upto you to decide and put it in proper writing in a will. Siblings may have differences, they may go to court or goonda gardi etc. But just as you know of a family where the adopted child killed siblings for wealth, I can tell you the real life story of my neighbour , a learned, respected gynaecologist whose daughter (also a doctor in London) beat her mother to death, because the mother divided the Rs 35lakhs house equally between her two daughters. The doctor daughter has now usurped the entire 35 lakhs,her biological sister is helpless to do anything.

Strange are the ways of the world and money matters make it worse.

Blood is not always thicker than water.

Who knows, maybe it will be the adopted child who brings a consensus and peace in your family regarding inheritance.

 

Janvi,

Adopting child is your personal decision. It is for you to accept the child, love, discipline, provide for, correct and mould the child into a good human being.

Forget the relatives and how they feel. If they can open their hearts and love the child, good for them. if not, it is their immense loss.

I know that we want our adopted child to be accepted and loved by all relatives. If it happens, well and good. Be prepared that it may not happen, as much as you want it to.

It is for you to give the child confidence and love. If the child is a girl, you have an extra issue to sort out when she gets married. Remember, we are talking of 20 -25 years from now, of a girl, who God willing will be well educated, professional, and confidently independent. Do you think, if you can raise your child like that, a mini issue like adoption will stop her from getting a good match? And who knows, with so many independent marriages even today, this issue may not crop up at all.

Dont worry about any relatives causing trouble for the adopted child.They can cause trouble for a biological child also, if they are envious types. Jusy empower yourself and the child to face such situations.

 

Janvi,

I have spoken a lil too much,mainly because I feel strongly about the adoption issue.
As a happily married woman, who is unable to have a biological baby, I am pretty much in the same boat as you. The questions and doubts that you have worry me also.

My request is- make this decision entirely between you and husband. Even your parents and his parents are not important. Get all the opinions of relatives, even negative ones. Then get the right solutions and remedies and answers for all the issues and obstacles they raise. In the long run, these hurdles posed by relatives will actually make your adoption proces more successful.

Dont think too much into the social welfare angles- that you are giving back the society something by adopting a child etc. Just analyse in the personal level of the immediate family and hearts.

Another suggestion is- dont waste a year or more debating if you want to adopt or not. Find a good registered agency and put your papers. Getting the documentation ready will itself take two months. Then depending on availability of child, matching of parents and child etc- the whole process will take anything from one to three years. If you put your application and then decide after three yaers not to adopt, there is no harm done. There is usually such a big desire and demand for children, that the child will be placed alternatively immediately. So, put in your papers asap.

Any child- biological or adopted is a blessing from God.

I hope you adopt and raise a happy child.

regards
Vidya

 

Dear Janvi
Congrats for yr decision. Instead of getting yrself tortured in the name of medication, u r doing a wise thing.
Never go for a relative's child. Adopt a baby from orphanage. Before adoption, shift yr residence. adopt and go to a place where people know nothing abt u except u have just delivered a baby. U can come back after 2 or 3 yrs.

Endha kuzhandhyum nalla kuzhandhaithan mannil pirakayila. Avan nallavanavadhum, theeyavanavadhum Annai valarpinilae. Remember this.
All the best.
Uma

 

Hello, Janvi

I don't have any children, and if it should come to it when I do choose to and find I can't conceive, I will definitely adopt a baby. So, I am all for adoption. It is a wonderful way to contribute to the health and happiness of the world, and in doing so, receive a wealth of emotional and psychological riches in return.

I don't have much to add here in terms of the questions you asked, but I did want to say how wonderful it was to read every single reply here to your dilemma. It is amazing how the ladies of IL can advise and encourage, especially on issues like adoption, which sadly are not always viewed as open-mindedly and sensibly as the ladies here have done.

Please DO NOT ever consider that you may be making a mistake in adopting a child. It would be a privilege and an honour for a parent-less child to get a chance to make a family with you and your husband. You have love and support to give, and just because you can't have a child of your own doesn't mean you can make a child your own.

As for all the family and friends, present and future, who may have a problem with your adopted child, here's a silly but apt little cliche for you to ponder that may help:

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

Believe me, anyone who would advise against performing this wonderful act of humanity probably has selfish, narrow-minded tendencies and you would be excused for not taking their opinions too seriously. Your child, and how you came to have a child, is entirely your own business. Your happiness is of paramount importance, and you shouldn't let anyone dissuade you from fulfilling your dream of becoming a parent.

I wish you the best of luck!

Ansuya