Are we really Husband and Wife?

Hi Miya,

I really felt sad after reading your problem... after reading this i have got a feeling that u have stopped loving urself........dont do this mistake if u dont love urself nobody will......
and in this this world nobody can make you feel inferior without yoyr permission to let him do so..........

my suggestion to you ll be just set him free.........if he really loves u he ll come back and he cant forget the fact that you are his wife...
start looking in the mirror and dress up for yourself put some make up for yourself............
ask him if he has any other girl in his life
try to be friends with him and then wife
n dont worry everything will be all right
love
your friend

 

Oh Sweetheart.. i was soo very touched by your post.. No dear.. your writing is just what you feel at heart.. You dont have to be a journalist when you talking your heart out.. Esp your sentence ..
I am driven to an edge now. I feel like stopping any random starnger and askign him if he finds me attractive.
moved me .. I admit I had a smile when I read that. Not because I felt it funny.. Only because you are so honest and it felt good.
You are a very very humble and honest girl, Miya. have you realised that ? You are a very ordinary girl with all virtues . You have done your best to be a good wife, a good fren and a good comapnion when required to your hubby. Now enough of all that.. Stop being a sweetheart for sometime.. Have a make over and do everything that makes you feel good. Take care of your health. Eat a proper diet. Go to the gym. Check with your doctor about what you need to follow ( food and exercise ) . Live your life like you have it only for a few days.. You did it before your husband came into your life, isnt , Miya ? He saying he doesnt find you attractive is a little harsh.
He couldnt see that before getting married to you ? If he finds you like a kid he should have adopted you and not married !! He shouldnt be giving his opinion now !

There are people in this world who are sooo obese that they cannot sleep on the bed or do even normal things. You are gifted that you are petite.

Would he digest it if you said you liked atheltic fellas and you are trying to notice some attraction in him ??

I dont say one needs to mince words but atleast they can be less hurtful in few matters..
Anywys.. one year is just the beggining of married life. Too early to decide anything.. Ironically, it is the other way for you. The first year will be filled with romance and too much of intimacy.. it stops being that maddening later !! But then .. maybe for you the first year just went this way.. and subseqnt years would be bliss..
Do not overdo anything .. be it pampering or shoving attention. We shouldnt do it so much that everything dies down in a year or so.. love in such a way that you have enough for 50 yrs of marriage !

Stay away for sometime and concentrate on yourself.. You are too good and a sweetheart-repeat- a sweetheart to live with. Do the best for yourself and think about husband just after that.. Take care, lovely !:kiss

 

Miya,

First stop beating yourself up. It's all in the eyes of the beholder they say. May be hes says that because hes inferior about himself. Think it about that way.

No way others should conclude how you should feel. I understand it will be a pain when the husband seems to be so distant. But remember, you are an individual first, wife next.

Don't loose loving you just because someone (even if its your husband) says so.

I am surprised that with all such treatments from him, still from your part you had been a good wife, friend and a partner to him, Its his loss to not appreciate it, not yours.

Very important, don't let others take you for granted. Don't ever do that.

Change your lifestyle a bit for a while.

(1) Have 6 meals a day. Healthy foods. Drink juice in the morning, milk at night.
(2) Go to a dietician. Find out what should be done to balance out your body in the right way and follow their instructions religiously.
(3) Join a gym and go 4 times a week without fail.
(4) During those times, don't stress yourself. If there is any Indian aunties who prepare food, buy it from them for 3 days. Don't ask him. Just buy it and you relax and take some rest.
(5) Whenever you see your reflection, say it" I love you Miya". Love yourself first.

Life YOUR life, Miya. Just imagine, you are with a ROOMMATE. Just live the life you used to. Bring back the positive thoughts in your mind. Ignore him as a husband completely. Yep, Ignore him. Sarcastically comment, you don't have the mood if he wants it. If he feels you are kid, why the hell did he marry you in the first place. You didn't beg him to marry you is it?

Anyways, just concentrate on your body and mind. That is more important now. If hes worth it and if he really loves you, he will come back, till then, don't be vulnerable for him to hurt you (words are more painful than anything). Till then, live the life God gave you to the fullest. Its in our hands, we have all rights to make it whatever we want it to be. Make it happy and enjoyable. Just put your mind in it.

Sweetie, God has given this life to US, not for someone to judge and spoil it. So don't let them. Life is a long river and it will have its ups and downs at times. But make sure you protect yourself from being hurt by such silly comments. These should be very trivial for you. Because end of the day, you are lovable, beautiful, caring. If someone does not see it, its their loss, not yours. You shouldn't be losing any sleep over it.

There is a proverb in tamil "Chithiram irunthaal thaan varaiya mudiyum"

Loose translation : You can draw only if you have the wall/board.

Meaning, you can lead this blessed LIFE only if your body is in good health. Take care of it first. Everything else will fall in place eventually.

Good luck!!

and BTW, you are a lovable girl, Miya !!

 

Miya,Please stop. You are a smart woman. Beauty comes in all types.You dont need to look like Aishwarya to be good looking. You can be beautiful in your own way.Do not think of yourself as any less. So what if your husband feels that way. The day you learn to not bother about what your husband says or feels for right now ,you will feel a lot more confident.

Husbands may feel 100 things lacking in wife's.If we learn to not be bothered by them, we can be a lot happier.Please stop trying to make your husband happy.Leave him alone for the time being. If we keep chasing something ,it gives us a chase. If we stop doing it ,it stops tonce you stop making efforts to make him happy he will miss it.Good luck.

 

Hey, you sound like a great person with oodles of warmth n love. Looks like you are investing a lot of thought/energy into your relationship to make everything perfect..and letting that drain you..

I would say stop fussing over your husband and pampering him like tht..just step back a little. Slowly wean your mind away from having to impress him all the time...When he watches tv, read or pursue your hobbies..Sometimes, it works when you back off a lil bit. Once he sees that you are occupied, he might even come hankering after you..

Most men don;t remember birthdays/ special days, forget celebrating them....now that you;ve realized that your hubby falls into that category, you simply must stop expecting presents and surprises...laugh/shrug it off but i dont think you can change this attitude of men!

Don't try to get into this mould of a person who can handle household stuff efficiently..some people are born with tht knack, for others it takes years to perfect that art..1 year of marraige is too early for you to shoulder all household responsibilities, so give yourself plenty of time(years n years) there..

You say you've been successful all your life, so you should be one super confident gal. Instead, I can't fathom why you are letting your hubby's opinion create a dent in your confidence, so much that you can't even stand to look at attractive models on the telly!!!!!

Petite is great!! Other ILites have given great suggestions about makeover, exercise, diet etc..Do all these for YOURSELF, for your self esteem, so that you feel good n healthy...not to please your hubby..Ignite that confident spirit in you, and you'll feel you are above all the brickbats about your looks..

I think this's the first step..'Upping' ur self esteem. Your relationship will take care of itself from there.

--uragem

 

Miya,

Its very touchy and sad to read your post. I can understand the gravity of situation you are prevailing.
First of all, you should not feel bad about yourself. This will bring down your self esteem. Feel and be positive at all times whatsoever the situation may be.
Second, we cannot change people, we need to change ouselves to them. Try to do things which your hubby likes. Communicate, communicate and communicate to understand him thoroughly. Try pampering him. The biggest weakness in men is women. Take every oppurtunity to get him attracted towards you. Seduce, physical touch etc...

I feel you can win confidence of your hubby on you. Its all in your hand...

Good luck!!!

 

Hi Miya,

This is my first reply to some post in the Indus Ladies. I hope my reply helps you in some way. Sorry if it does not.

Like many of our friends in IL replied, I too think that you should concentrate more on yourself. One thing I want to tell is, may be because you pamper him too much he does not notice how good you are. I am not saying you to leave him or anything like that. I would suggest you to concentrate on yourself, do things as if you are single. Be with him like a friend. With a little bit of separation like this he might start noticing you. In tamil they say that one would notice the height of the temple gopuram only from the distance. I hope I got the translation right. Sometimes we get attracted to things that can never belong to us and tend to overlook great things within us or next to us.

I think he would soon notice how beautiful and sweet you are.

Sorry if my reply is wrong or disturbs you.

Good luck!

 

Hi,

Most women tend to lose themselves for their husbands, and in their eagerness to make sure everything is well taken care of, they lose sight of their own needs. Respect yourself if you want others, including your husband to respect you. No doubt earning the love of your husband is your top most priority, but sacrificing yourself is not the only way to get him to love you.
First, don't forget that you need to look after yourself. Keep some time aside for exercise and improve your diet and lifestyle then will you be mentally and physically strong enough to handle anything life throws at you.
Do you have a goal? Having a goal gives you a sense of purpose, and lends direction. So work towards improving self-esteem, being confident and glad to be who you are.
You're beautiful, kind, caring, smart, loving woman. it's a shame that he didn't notice such good attributes in you but sooner or later he'll come to appreciate you more.

take good care and regards,
Lalitha Sivaram