Tell past affairs to husband???

Hello,

Yours is an intriguing dilemma. There's no easy answer here, and I'm sure you'll hear lots of different opinions in this thread. Here's mine:

Although it may be tempting to let sleeping dogs lie, in this case, I think honesty would serve your marriage best. You two sound like you're really happy, and that your marriage is one based on mutual trust and respect. This means that your husband should understand what you're telling him (that you had a boyfriend but the relationship is OVER) and why you're telling him (you don't want there to be any doubts on his part should he ever find out from someone else).

There is a possiblity he will find out from someone else at a later stage, and that may make him wonder why you didn't tell him. At the same time, you can tell him you don't necessarily want to hear about his old flames, if there are any. Whatever the case, if the conversation happens in a non-threatening way and your intentions are clear, it can only improve the trust you have built up and lay a solid foundation for the future.

As you say, the ex-boyfriend has kept in contact to a reasonable degree (for the sake of civility) and there's nothing between you two anymore. Hopefully, your husband will understand if you explain it as calmly and rationally as you have done here in this thread. It's better not to keep secrets of this kind, as they have a way of rebounding later, with renewed strength.

I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

Ansuya

 

Hi (sorry don't know u'r name)
after reading u'r post just remembered my friend,becoz she had the same problem.and like you after feeling guilty for an year she decided to tell her husband(he was caring ,understanding and nice guy tht's what she told me)
initially he was ok but then after the initial honeymoon period (after3yrs)whenever they had fights the issue used to come up and he used to taunt her.,and fights wud take a new turn.Rantshe did regret her decision
so think and listen to what other IL's say (they do give excellent advise)before making any decision.
and ya,why don't u explain this problem as u'r friend's to u'r husband and ask for his opnion.it'll help in making u'r decison
all the best:thumbsup
takecare
vinutha

 

hi,
No confusion..you forget the past and do not confuse your dh too...do not tell him..

 

It's interesting what SupriyaDinesh and Vinutha are cautioning. While they may be right, I guess it all depends on the kind of man your husband is. If he is insecure about your love for him, or unable to accept that you did have a life before you met him, then maybe you should keep it a secret. But what will you do if he finds out later from someone else? This makes me think it would be better coming from you.

The other point, about this being used against you in fights later on in the relationship - if it's not relevant, how can it be brought up? If you have a problem now, is it fair to bring up something that happened 5 years ago that has no bearing on the current problem? I think that's a very immature way to argue. It's a low blow to deal, and one whose only intention is to hurt, not to resolve the issue. I'm not sure if it is your husband's nature to behave in this immature way (it doesn't sound like it).

I'm a stickler for honesty, and I'd rather work through some unpleasant feelings now than hear 5 years down the line that I was kept in the dark. If your marriage is as strong as you say it is, it can withstand some hard but honest talk. It is deception that is a slow but certain poison.

I must caution you, though, that my perspective may be slightly inappropriate here because in the culture I come from, dating before marriage is not considered a taboo. In fact, it is considered good to have some experience before you get married, so you don't end up with someone you don't know, stuck in a marriage that's an absolute nightmare, with no way of working things out because you're completely unaware of the dynamics of opposite-sex relationships.

Keep thinking about it!

Ansuya

 

Hi,

I would suggest that you not discuss your past affair with your husband. Destroy all evidence about your past relationship and do not keep in touch with your ex-boy friend. If you husband does eventually find out tell him you did have a soft corner for him but things did not work out because both your parents did not agree. Whatever happened in the past is the past. At that time you did not know your hubby and you were committed to that boy. Unfortunately things did not work out. But now you are committed to your husband. So there is absolutely nothing wrong.

You are right now in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. Enjoy it as long as it lasts. In the beginning of my marriage I also used to be extremely close to my DH and I confided a lot of things to him. I told him some extremely personal issues and he was very understanding and supportive. But he later used it against me at a time when I totally did not expect him to. That hurt my self esteem big time. I am not saying that your husband will also do the same thing but I learned that it is best to keep certain things to ourselves. Those who are closest to us can hurt us the most and the recovery is always painful. Your mom's advice is correct. It has nothing to do about being old fashioned. She is speaking out of experience.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Please do not tell your husband.Today or tomorrow in anger he might bring this topic up. I am sure all ladies have been in this situation. I mentioned a few things to my husband myself and later on during heated arguments he kept asking me about those things in a hurtful way.However loving husbands are they will use this against us. Sometimes in front of in laws too.
What your mom told was right. Times may have changed but husbands still will be husbands.They will respond the same way they did 10 yrs ago.
Moreover this matter doesnt have any significance now as it was in your past and its done with.Everybody have similar experiences in their past maybe in college or workplace. If it didnt end up in marriage maybe its not worth mentioning and disturbing a perfectly good marriage.

 

Hai
In my opinion you should forget the past. There is no need of being guilty. You liked a guy and things did not work at both ends. Mutually agreeing the practical issues you chose to marry and settle with another guy. Leave it there and do not confuse it with the present at all. What happens for others may not happen for us. every man is different. If you have understood ur husband that well you wouldn't have asked this question at all.
Leave the past and enjoy the present.

 

Hi,

Do not disturb the equilibrium of your newly formed home by yourself.You got seperated from your ex-boyfriend without any hassles but by mutual agreement.You and your hubby are happy now, your parents (and im sure his parents also) are happy with both of you, then why do you want to rake up old issues and try to loose peace of mind.
Better forget the whole episode and start afresh.Moreover, irrespective of all the replies you have to decide what's good for you. So, in short, follow your heart!!

vani