PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marriage

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

hi,
i read all the post and reply in this read my advice is what ria has given talk to ur parents abt this,since ur wife threatens u if u tell this matter to her parents then it is not advice to stay here if any thing happen then u will be blamed for that,torturing ur wife is not good for the well development for the baby.
We can give u only suggestion and cannot solve it.It is ur life u should take the final decision.
I just want to tell u abt my friends matter this happend few years back.she was married at a age of 19,after one yr of her married life she went to her mother's place to attend a marriage,in her absence her husband went thro another woman,he confussed her abt this matter to her immediatedly,she was in ur state but she took a very bold decision she called her inlaws and parents told them abt this matter and made her dh to repent for the thing he did her dh's brother gave him well for his behaviour and finally after several fighting he took gita and promised that in his life time he will never go behind any woman.after that they are leading a happy life alone with a beautifull girl,still today. this incident is after marriage and ur before marriage there are women in this world who get a husbands like ur wife but they forgive and forget lead a happy life,why can't u?
Like my friend did u can also do that,initally talk to ur parents abt this matter,it will be a very big shocking thing to them what to do u have to,do this without ur wife's knowledge then go back to india send her to her parents home and then convey this matter to them,bring both the family's together alone with the mediator who initiated this marriage.i hope all the problem's will come to a solution.divorcing is not a solution for this ,if that is the case then there will be more such cases and also think abt ur child too,i hope everything will come to an end and hope u will come back to states along with ur wife and kid.
bye,
rupa.

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hey Sandy,

there is nothing called first love in my opinion... frankly...love is what which comes once and never goes from life...but the thing is, even i am afraid that ur wife wont break your trust again..so, for that you need some assurance.that assurance can come only from your wife..i do believe that everyone used to have a past,whether its parents,siblings,friends or in some cases like your wife relationships too..but the thing is you are most important now..so, let her realize your worth..For that, dont be loud.. be quiet and take your own time man..
above all..just go out...take break for yourself..remember always,the world is becoming worse day by day.... so always rember the goodness arround you and inside you...if you will divorce her... is there any assurance the next lady in your life will be virgin ..its life buddy, whatever you get...that is only best for you...there cant be better way than leaving each other for atleast a week...if cant of mind then atleast out of sight..spend that time to do your fevourite work..just freak out!!
" But "if you are going to play blame game with her for whole life...then in my opinion leave her and leave your baby too...forget about both of them...is it possible for you?then go for it...

take care...
bye

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hi Sandy,

i have been reading your post since you put it up. from what i am reading is that you are not willing to move on, the incident hashappened, its finished. Now you everything, so what!! forgive and forget what has happened. Do you want to continue living in the past and make life hell for yourself, your wife and baby, or move forward to a better future where by you both are transparent with each other. You are being a smallbaby who iscrying for a candy that mum refused to give and you arecarrying on crying and crying.Stop it. Rant
YOu yourself have made and emotional mess of yourself and life don't blame your wife. If you were a man enough you would sorted out the issue when you found out about it and moved on, all i amseeing is I, I AND I. You are worried about your ego.becuae your ego has been hurt.
We are living in the 21st Century. where things are changing daily, you need to change your thinking perspectives and extend a hand to your wife telling herwhat has happened has happened lets move on and be truthful to each other.
It is you who isbrining all the memoriesback, not your wife.
You have a child on the way, think about him/her. Everybody makes mistakes we are not perfect even you are not perfect.
Move on my friend, you have beautiful life ahead of you and a wife who loves you a lot.

A goodfriend of mine lost his wife last year in a plane crash, she was only 30yrs old, he could not even find here body, can you imagine what he would be going through, their life had just begun. You should count yourself lucky. We humans make our own destiny, nobody makes it i for us. Stop all this pondering about her past and concetrate on your present and future.You are lucky that she loves you so much. LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS OR RULES.

Good luck
Alpa

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hi Sandy,

It is understandable that you are disturbed so much right now...but frankly my dear, I think what your wife did romantically before meeting you is not really your business...about your wife's affair, all it tells me is that she has a big heart and loves whole heartedly...

What you should be concerned about is her conduct after marriage. As per your words, she has been devoted to you since marriage and has made you super happy. She has loved you and cared for you for one and a half years.

You are hurt and angry but while going through all your anger and bitterness, remember that since meeting you your wife has not strayed.Keep that as the beacon that will bring your marital boat in through the rocky waves it is going through now.

You seem to me to be very young... I'm saying this because you said you wanted to be your wife's first love...you can think of me as an elder sister who can tell you with certainty that there is nothing like that...To be honest, I think sometimes second (or third love even) in fact is more deep and more lasting for a person...because it is not naive and it is after having learned some of life's much needed lessons that we realize what is it that we are really looking for in a life partner.

You said that you wanted your wife's love to be only for you. From all I have heard from you, that DOES seem to be the case! You wife DOES love only you.

Do not let the past spoil your life, your wife's and your unborn child's. I will again say that remember that your wife has been devoted to you since she met you and married you. Yes, she was unfortunate enough to have met a jerk before she met you. Yes, she was young enough and foolish enough to have an affair with him before she met you. Are you going to hold that forever against her?? Are you going to let a selfish and mean man who wants to spoil your wife's marital life have his way??

Unlike others, I would not ask you to involve parents and in laws in this. In fact, if you do want to talk about it then go for professional marital counseling.

Parents, siblings, relatives - can never give unbiased advise in my opinion. If anyone has an axe to grind, they might use this as an excuse...Besides, if you do decide afterwards to have a future with your wife, it will not be a nice thing for either of you to hear gossip about you amongst your relatives. Because that is what it will do...open a pandora's box amongst the relatives the moment you tell one of them about this issue.

You are going to be a father soon...that carries with it a big responsibility. The very first being that you do your utmost to look after the well being of the baby (who is now inside your wife)...all the abuse you are now showering over your wife might affect your baby too...

My advise for now would be to try to control your temper and get over your hurt. If you have nothing nice to say, then at least don't say anything bad to your wife. Go for some counseling...find out why you are feeling so hurt over something that your wife did before meeting you...why is it so important for you that your wife should not have had an affair before marriage that you are willing to let go off a happy married life just to wallow in your hurt...

The only condition that marriage and love should carry is that the other person should also love you and treat you nicely...other than that I don't see how you can love somebody with a lot of preconditions and yet say that you love them...

take care and all the best...

Aarushi

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hey Sandy,

I really have to agree with Aarushi 100%.

You know, my husband was married before, and at first it really used to bother me thinking about my husband loving another woman. I used to think about it a lot, and sometimes even happy moments were ruined when I'd get insecure thoughts about my husband and this other woman. Going to the movies I'd think, he must also have gone here with her, or out for dinner I also used to think, he took her out before too, every new happiness I had in marriage I thought, "well, he's already done this with another person." It almost destroyed our happiness together. :spin

But slowly I came to realize, he really loves me and ONLY me. I know how hard it is, I know what it feels like to have that feeling of dread in your stomach and the feelings of jealousy. But our spouses can't erase their past, they can only love us here and now, in the present day, right? My husband has even told me now after the disaster of his first marriage, he knows what qualities in a person he really looks for, and what things in a person are really important. A person who has experienced Hell is much more likely to appreciate Heaven. I'm sure your wife feels blessed to finally have found TRUE love and TRUE happiness. If she loved that other man, she would be with him. But she's not, she's with YOU and in love with YOU. So forgive her and give your marriage a chance. I can tell you love her a lot or this issue wouldn't be bothering you so much. And soon you will have a new baby to love too! You are very lucky, you have a wonderful life ahead, with a wife and child who care about you a lot!

There's no magic trick to make your pain go away, just time. Over time it will hurt less, and someday not at all. Make new memories with your wife, and soon you will see you have so many happy memories together that thoughts of your wife's past just don't have room anymore in your heart.

Best wishes for a happy future! :thumbsup

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hi,

Though it is difficult, it is better to forgive her for what she did before marraige. Now she is yours and your baby is in her womb. Definetly that baby did not do anything wrong ..that baby wants both father and mother . No one can be equalled in parent's position.
I can understand that it will be very difficult from your part to forgive ...try some counselling , it can definetly give you some peace of mind.

Don't discuss this with your or her parents because they will definetly see you both and you kid in a bad way through out your life. It cannot be erased from their mind. It will be a shame for your child too.

My opinion is that life never comes smooth and as expected for anyone.Everyone will have one or other problem. Forgive her and start a fresh life for your kid.

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Hai Sandy,

I'm totally agree with ria. I can understand u r situation. But time will tell what to do. I hope u have a good life.
Bye.................

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

Dear Sandy,

Please man up. For your sake and your family's sake. You have a baby coming. It sounds like you are likely going to keep it. Please exercise some control over your thoughts and discipline yourself from ruminating on those sordid scenes.

Love is what you make of it. It's often a lot of hard work. Everyone has a past, whether they admit it or not. There is no pre-determined "first love" template that makes relationships easier.

Yeah she didn't admit her "clean background." But you noted that she considered her boyfriend her husband. If you indeed wanted to be HER first love, you should have focused equally on your personal relationships as your career, and then you would have met her, someone else, or someone who knew her. In the India of today, it's completely doubtful you would have found someone with the spotless record you were looking for.

You also mentioned your parents "forced" you to get married even though you were concentrating on your career. You should have known better than to trust another with such an important decision. If you really intended to take responsibility for a decision that involves both you and another person, and you were obsessed with virginity, then you should have told your family to hire a private investigator for each candidate. This practice is pretty common.

If you air your dirty laundry to both families like a child, you will be treated like one. You will not have the option of a loving marriage, and your wife will resent you unless she commits suicide.

You're in another country now, you have the chance to start afresh, and your wife seems genuinely sorry for the pain she's caused you. Please get over yourself.

Grow up, get real, realize you yourself decided to consent to your parents' desire to get married. You did not do your due diligence with any investigating. She lost a piece of tissue to a man she thought was her husband. She loves you and is committed to you now. You are responsible to the child you've helped create. Clear your mind. Best of luck.

 

Re: PLEASE HELP ... I really need advise..... cam to know my wifes affair before marr

I think you should try to start over again. Have the heart to forgive her. This will make you a better person and in the long run you will have a healthy marriage.

But be careful, don't start trusting her fully, watch her carefully, if she is an honest person, you both will forget this situation soon. Best of luck