In fix to do what???

Hello all Ilites

Of late I have become quite regular in this site and first of all thanx to most of you who have helped me with their valuable inputs.

Here's my another plight. My DH is a perfect Mama's boy, only son between 2 sisters. I have received nothing but bitterness from my in-laws even before my marriage. Ever since then I found that my MIL to be extremely cunning. She is overly sweet in her son's presence, but the moment my DH steps out of the house, my MIL, SIL all come out of their shell.

They keep me taunting on the facts like:

1. Why dont you wake up at 4:00am in the morning?(my MIL states). The next morning when I wake up at 4:00am, my SIL starts nagging at me on the fact, why I woke up early.

2. Keep the door wide open when we sleep ,otherwise mommy dear feels bad. I have noticed 2-3 times that during the dawn my MIL enters our room and keeps on staring at us. The moment I realised this and woke up , she pretended to use the washroom attached to that room or the cupboard.

3.The taunts continues as ......" I dont know how to wash clothes, how to iron them, how to cook, how to clean dishes and keep them in the right places. how to use the washing machine, how to dry the clothes, even how to brush my teeth in the wash basin" etc...etc

4. I have to wear the saree that they want me to wear (mostly dark color schiffon sarees in hot sultry summer of Vizag, which itches my whole body). First of all, I am not used to sarees and when I am forced to wear something uncomfortable in the hot summer, it really irritates me and I feel sick mentally.

5. Comments on what I eat, how I eat, when to talk to my hubby, how to dress, what make up should I apply,how should I do my hair, if I should wear a watch, if I should wear a sunglass, I have lot of fat in my tummy, my blouses dont fit me and doesn't look good on me etc.....etc.......

6. I should not sit with the male members of the family and also should not go out with my hubby when I am there.

The comments are pretty much on everything that I do. And this time I am hoping for a comment on how I sit on the potty from my MIL and SIL!!!!!


But the moment my hubby is around, she is overly polite and shows as if she is the next Mother Teresa, the greatest forgiver and self less person on earth. My DH also projects his mom as the new generation Mother Teresa who has never thought for herself.


7. She also complains to me that I dont allow my DH to help them financially however, the truth is, in the past 3 years, my hubby has sent over Rs.6Lakh in cash and even got them a flat under home loan which is neither under my DH's name nor mine. Instead under my FIL's name. And still sending money.......

8. The usual complain she has is, my FIL does not lend her any money, which I am not too sure about. So, my DH sends money to two different accounts, father n mother seperately.


However, the last time, I caught my MIL secretly taking out money from my FIL's and my DH's wallet. When she found that I saw her in this act, she pretended as though it was normal and asked me to inform her son that she was out of money hence took from her son's wallet. I did not complain this to my hubby thinking she has the right to do so being a mother.


Talking to my hubby about the cunningness that I receive from my MIL, does not help at all as he gives a deaf ear . I got depressed as I was not able to vent out my frustration on all these. I belong to a very open minded society where these kind of treatments do not have any existence.My nature is also very staright forward as I cant pretend to anyone and hate hypocrisy. I cant lead a dual life to show my hubby how much I love his mom infront of him and the moment he is away, start bitch**g on her. To top with it, my DH advised me not to open my mouth against all these suffering as he feels that they will get hurt extremely since he married me against their will.

Now the problem is I am utterly scared to go for another trip to their house. I feel lonely and getting pestered day by day which affects my self esteem and morale. So, I am in a fix to decide if I should visit them the next time I go to India? My parents live in East India and my In-Laws in South. Should I directly go to my parent's house? I know I cannot stop my hubby from going to his house.


I am also apprehesive of the fact that if we both stay apart when we visit India, his mom would take the full advantage of that. She always runs out of money and no amount of money is satisfactory to her. I dont know whats the amount of pocket money a housewife needs at the age of 55-60, when everything right from grocery,phone bills,electricity bills, to domestic help and her sarees, blouses etc are all beared by my FIL. That money of course goes from my DH's account every month as soon as he gets his salary!!!! .

I found that my DH will never tell his mom that he is left with no money to return. Normally we take gifts worth Rs. 1-1.5 lakhs for them, esp Gold n electronic goods.The moment we land up,my MIL starts her sad story and my hubby starts paying for the auto/taxi fares (for the entire family, sis-in-law, their husbands, their relatives etc etc....), grocery, fuel charges for the vehicle, telephone bill, mobile ph recharge cards(as 0 balance will be there when we go), laundry charges(past/present), veggies, snacks, even there will be no masala to cook, no detergent to wash clothes, no soap for personal hygiene, last bit of rice/atta for 1 time ,till we enter. And the day we leave his mommy is again pennyless with her sad story. So, my husband gives out Rs.5-10K to his mom and another 5-10K to his father. Then promises both of them that as soon as we get the next salary, he will send some more to compensate the expenses incurred while we visited them.

Once it so happened that my hubby spent everything that he had in his account and then took my debit card and finished that too. In that account I had some 20K gifted to me by my aunt for my wedding purpose so that we could spend that on our honeymoon or anything we liked. Inspite of me reminding him of not touching that amount, he still lend this to his mom. So, usually when we return from India we hardly have the taxi fare till the airport and then take loan from my father. The last time I visited my IL's, I moved some amount to my other bank account before hand secretly to avoid asking my dad for lending money as I feel ashamed of this. So, this time if I dont accompany my DH, it would be back to square one.


I am in a great fix and unable to decide as to what should I do???

Hi N!

Hon, you could almost be my twin. We probably live similar lives albeit with some alterations.

Anyway,I wouldn't be in a position to give a solution to all my problems since I'm pretty much going thru the same....but one advice I would definitely give you is this: Do not lose your confidence levels! Since you stay away from them most of the time, use it to train yourself to be assertive. When you don't like them picking on your dressing, hair etc. say it! Firmly but nicely "i don't like comments on myself" As for the money matters, it is rather sensitive to deal with. I hope the seniors here will be able to advice better

I know how hard this is. Don't lose urself in the process hon!

Take care

Hi, IL's

I really need some advice on this. Yesterday my hubby and I tried to discuss about our vacation and that led to a fight.
As per his mom, we should not visit my parents. This irritates me and I told him that this is not going to happen as he promised to me before our marriage that we will give equal value to both side parents. In reply to this he stated, every woman goes to her in-laws house first and then values her own family members,i.e. own family members become secondary. It seems that he has the duty to meet the promoter of their house for handing over the flat to my in-laws which is pending since a long time. To, this, I asked him a question if he needs 25-30 days to meet a single person and talk to him for handing over the flat. The promoter is asking huge amount of money and since we refrain from giving that, he is not finishing the flat . This sparked a rage of anger between us and everything went in vain. After 5 mins, I cooled down and very politely explained to him that my parents are also important just like his. And as he promised, we should maintain that to keep a healthy relationship. But no amount of discussion leads to anything.



Ladies here, please advice me as what should I do ??? He feels that I should not go to his house and should stay separate from him when we visit India. Now we are in a great fix to decide when to go to India.

Also, I would like to mention another thing. This April 2008, my sis in-law got married. Hence , we visited India to attend the same but I could not meet my parents due to lack of leaves. So, I havent met my parents for the past 1.5 years. And now, my husband does not want me to visit my parents. I am literally sobbing in my office infront of my comp thinking what the hell did I do with my my life.

I have 2 options left :
1. First time after my marriage go to my parents alone i.e. my husband would stay with his mommy dear and I move to my parents till the time we are in India.

2. Or accompany my hubby to my in-laws house and stay there as long as they want and get harrassed to the core. While returning just go to my parents to say bye and come back to Middle East.

What would you do if this was your case??? Please let me know ladies as we are undecided completely.

Originally Posted by N@!Sr!

Hi, IL's

I really need some advice on this. Yesterday my hubby and I tried to discuss about our vacation and that led to a fight.
As per his mom, we should not visit my parents. This irritates me and I told him that this is not going to happen as he promised to me before our marriage that we will give equal value to both side parents. In reply to this he stated, every woman goes to her in-laws house first and then values her own family members,i.e. own family members become secondary. It seems that he has the duty to meet the promoter of their house for handing over the flat to my in-laws which is pending since a long time. To, this, I asked him a question if he needs 25-30 days to meet a single person and talk to him for handing over the flat. The promoter is asking huge amount of money and since we refrain from giving that, he is not finishing the flat . This sparked a rage of anger between us and everything went in vain. After 5 mins, I cooled down and very politely explained to him that my parents are also important just like his. And as he promised, we should maintain that to keep a healthy relationship. But no amount of discussion leads to anything.



Ladies here, please advice me as what should I do ??? He feels that I should not go to his house and should stay separate from him when we visit India. Now we are in a great fix to decide when to go to India.

Also, I would like to mention another thing. This April 2008, my sis in-law got married. Hence , we visited India to attend the same but I could not meet my parents due to lack of leaves. So, I havent met my parents for the past 1.5 years. And now, my husband does not want me to visit my parents. I am literally sobbing in my office infront of my comp thinking what the hell did I do with my my life.

I have 2 options left :
1. First time after my marriage go to my parents alone i.e. my husband would stay with his mommy dear and I move to my parents till the time we are in India.

2. Or accompany my hubby to my in-laws house and stay there as long as they want and get harrassed to the core. While returning just go to my parents to say bye and come back to Middle East.

What would you do if this was your case??? Please let me know ladies as we are undecided completely.

hi Dear
Dont confuse urself too much
U told me ,"dont leave ur husband with his mum "
During our next visit to india, we planned as per follwing sch
first 2 days in Inlaws home
then 15 days tour porgramme(only 2 of us)
Last time we went with all
Then 5 days in my parents home
Then again 5 days In laws home + all other realtives visit,temple etc

this is our plan for one month vacation
Hope so, this will help u to get an idea
Speak with ur Hubby and tell him very politely and clearly
he may agree for that

Yes dear,

I dont want to leave my hubby even with his mom this time after what I saw the last time. As you mentioned, I planned a similar trip but all went to vain when my hubby's staunch reply came as "NO, this time we will not go anywhere. I have a lot of work at home so we have to cancel this type of a trip."
Then I decided that we will spend 15 days each in both the houses. He has a problem with that too and does not want to spend anything more than 2-3 days in my parent's house.

I am really hurt and dont know what conclusion I will come to. The "lot of work" that he has is nothing than talking to the promoter to finish the flat as soon as possible and hand it over to my in-laws. For this, he needs a month

Dear N@!Sr!,
Well, I am also in a similar situation. My in-laws n DH also think that I'm THEIR property (!!) & shdnt spend more than a few days at my parents. They want me to heed to each n every plan they chalk out for me n my husband, without raising a word, as they are my in-laws & the elders! Pls see this thread & my position.
help me to convince
There is some good advice by ILites.

I'm also looking for help on convincing my husband; they have brainwashed him to such an extent during our last visit that he totally dislikes my folks now. Its the problem of giving respect & ego. They want my relatives to visit me at THEIR house! My mil has granted me 1 week leave to go to my parents, while I must be with her for more than a month. My husband agrees with his mom, bcos thats how his sister (my sil) does (which isnt true; its just a gimmick to make me agree) & my sil is the ideal dil/wife!

My advice is: dont fall into their trap & neglect ur parents. Try to stay with ur parents in the early part of ur trip itself, bcos the fights that would come with ur in-laws wudnt affect ur stay in this case. (i pray u dont have fights).

Good luck!
Sandhya

Dear N,

I totally understand your sad state of mind right now. Cheer up girl. Things will get better, for sure! I know that all you see around yourself right now is a lot of negativity and bitterness. So before you even begin to resolve any issues, pick yourself up, gather all the mental strength you have and vow to yourself that you will treat it like any major issue in life that one must get through. Only a non-turbulent mind can think of solutions. A disturbed mind will only react to situations rather than resolving them. So don't lose heart and know in your heart that you will get through this.

After quickly browsing through some of your posts, I feel that you have tried your best to bring your in-laws true colors in front of your husband. I totally understand your frustration N. I know how hard it is if husband always expects you to change. Given that we do need for the husband to at least somewhat understand our side, I feel you might have to change your approach towards handling the issue if you want your husband to see your side. Rather than being in the opposition camp and trying to fight from there, become a part of the clan and slowly fight your cause. There will be many loses but gains are assured too. This does not mean you become submissive and do as they please. It just means that you start looking for areas where you can be in their team and start connecting with them in those areas. The areas that are problem areas, just flag those in your mind for now and slowly start working on changing them.

I think it is very hard to win a family situation if you are always at loggerheads with people in the family. Fights will happen but some amount of amiable environment has to be maintained for the family to not reach breaking point. I feel your greatest chance of bringing about positives changes in your married life is by not being an outsider but pushing yourself into their circle. They might try their best to keep you out, but you married into this family and it is your right now to assert yourself into the family. Don't fight from a distance. When things get to the point they are in your marriage, you have to roll up your sleeves and dive right in to make things right for yourself. You cannot fight the issues in a system if you are not part of the system. So first get into the system and then slowly bring your perspective to the table.

As for your India trip, is your issue that you will not be "allowed" to go to your parents house or is your issue that your husband will not accompany you for much longer at your parents house?

I know this will sound very antiquated but let us all admit one thing - most men DO like that their folks be given a little more importance than our folks. I say most and not all because I know there are surely some exceptions to this. But by and large most men wish this. Given that, do you think you can work the folloiwng option? - You go and stay with your in-laws for the first few days of the trip, then go stay with your parents for the next several days/weeks (your husband only stays for a few days at your parents place out of those several days that you are there), then towards the end of the trip you go back and stay with your in-laws for several days/weeks again.

I think you will have to let go of the fact that your husband will be staying with his parents without you there. Do not worry yourself about it. Yes sure, some damage might be done. But you cannot stop him from staying with his parents all by himself. So please stop worrying about it. The other thing is not to expect hubby to stay with your parents as much as you stay with his. Really, think for yourself, all you want to do is have a good time with your parents, spend quality time talking to them etc. Why spoil it by having hubby around all the time when he does not want to be there. It is perfectly okay for him to come for a few days and go back to his parents place.

N, all I can suggest to you is if one option does not work, try another and another and another. But don't give up or don't completely give in either. Lower your expectations may be, but don't get too hung up on having it all perfect neither forsake your expectations completely.

Do come back with your thoughts and hopefully we can all help you.

SS

Originally Posted by N@!Sr!

Hi, IL's

I really need some advice on this. Yesterday my hubby and I tried to discuss about our vacation and that led to a fight.
What would you do if this was your case??? Please let me know ladies as we are undecided completely.

Hi, Ladies

Thank you all for your advice. SS, I truly agree with all that you said. Yes, the point which is hurting me is that, I have to go and spend my gala time with those sick cunning people, for more number of days, which disturbs my emotions to the core. Their torture is enough to spoil our vacation mood and another 6 months after we come back here.

Also why cant we have equality in every aspect? When I am ready to sacrifice something for him (which I mentioned in the above line), why cant he???

As you stated SS, that men always like to dominate their wife by implementing all rules confined to women only. Hence, eventhough I like it or not I have to spend time with his parents and he would never like to spend time with my family.

I dont have any objection in visiting my parent's house alone, but the fact is, this time would be the first time that I would visit my parents since my wedding (2years). So, all my relatives are eagerly waiting to meet both of us together and each of them would throw a party when we visit. Believe me, they have already started planning which day/date each of them would invite us to their respective house.

The problem is my parents reside in Kolkata and my in-laws in Andhra Pradesh. So, the distance is quite far, as its not in the same state even. Based on the location, I thought of planning our trip as such so that we can visit their relatives and ours and at the same time spend quality time for each other's parents.


I am not hooked to the thought as what each of my relatives would think if I go there alone,but I do care for their affection towards me. All of them call me here eventhough its a long distance call. However, none of my DH's relatives even bother to call us or even send a mail . However, its our duty to keep in touch with all of his relatives by calling them as per my MIL. I still never say, that I will not take any gifts for his relatives/not call them.

But the only thing that I wanted was, his presence in my house for atleast 10days so that we can have some good time with everyone around. Even that is not acceptable to him. Know what, his elder sis stays near my parent's house(just 1.5km away). So, eventhough he comes to my parent's house, he will spend all his time at his sister's place. I have seen this happening during my wedding days. Just on the day of our first night, his sister took him to their place and did not allow him to come to our house till late night and everyone was shocked with this behavior.


So, I plan to stay at my in-laws house for exactly the same number of days he has planned to stay in my house. He would stay with his dearest Mother Teresa mom for as long as he wants and I would go to my house alone. I really want to give him an ultimatum if he does not pay respect to my parents. Thats it !!!

I have also planned to book the train tickets/domestic air tickets all prior to enter India so that they cant change the plan.

What do you think SS??? Is this the right decision???

Dear N,

I am glad you came back with your thoughts. I totally agree with you on two counts - 1. you must book all tickets from here itself so that there is no room for discussion once you reach India. 2. You must not go alone to your parents house.

Before I tell you about my thoughts on your vacation plans, let me share with you a few of my thoughts on equality.

N, I am a HUGE supporter of equality regardless of the gender. All of us women go through this cycle where we are trying to first find, and later assert our individual identity. As we go through this process in life we define and re-define certain commonly used words for ourself. I have done that for myself as I evolved from being a daughter to a wife and dil to a mother of two kids.

If you ask me today, my definition of equality for myself is - "I" should have the power, the right, the choice to discern what is right for me, my family and the people that matter (mostly in that order) and do the actions according to my assessment of the situation. As long as no one comes in the way of this prerogative of mine, I take it that I am being treated equally.

Personally it no longer matters much to me what my husband or mil or sil or anyone I know does. What absolutely does matter to me a whole lot is that I should be empowered to think for myself, analyze for myself and react according to my own judgement of the person and the situation. I give myself that power and I let no one meddle with it.

So, think about it N. What is it that is more important to you in life, that you do what you think is right for everyone or that you stoop down to the low standards exhibited by your mil and husband? Always put yourself first. If you are not happy you are sure to spoil the happiness of everyone around you. So think about what is this tit-for-tat behavior going to buy you? Instead, I think you should focus on first analyzing impartially (as much as possible) what is the right thing to do and then, most importantly, give a very good thought to what is a decision you can live with. Only you know yourself N. There are certain decisions in life that bite you back for a long time and the damage that they do is irreversible. So don't think short term. Think long term. You are in this relationship for the rest of your life so don't try to fight all the battles right now itself.

I absolutely agree that you must ask your husband to accompany you for some days to your parents place. Of course, he should meet your folks and as many relatives as he possibly can. I think that is a perfectly reasonable expectation to have. But to say that he should stay at your parents home as much as you stay at his parents house, I am not sure if it is necessary or worth all the fights. You have just begun your married life, there will be many many occassions to visit India again so don't try to achieve everything in this trip. Think about 5 things that are most important to you in this trip and focus on only those. If you push too hard now you will have very little room for negotiation next time. So be wise in what you fight for.

And always think with your own mind and in your own unique way. Your mil, husband and other relatives from his side may do hundreds of things that are unreasonable but do you have to necessarily repeat those to get your message across? May be not. Set up a unique identity for yourself. For this you have to do a lot of self-analysis. What is your inherent nature, what are your ground beliefs in life etc. Don't let other people's bad actions govern your state of mind or your actions. Remove yourself from their actions for a minute and think what is right according to YOU and do that. It takes a lot of self study and courage on our part to function this way but it is the most rewarding change you will ever make for yourself. Believe me.

I hope this helped you some. Do come back and share your thoughts.

SS

Hi, SS

I gave a deep thought of the points that you mentioned in your post. I feel I really don't understand how much is too much in my situation??? I will cite some incidents that took place so far and how I handled them.

I have given a lot to my relationship so far and as I said last April 08 we visited India but I could not see my parents and the usual cause was a lot of work that my DH had i.e. to meet the promoter. The occasion was my sis-in-laws wedding ceremony. Out of the total number of days we stayed there, I could only see my DH showing the interest to meet the promoter once. :bullshit

The same thing happened during my wedding too. My MIL took her son back home soon after we got married saying they have a lot of work at home.He was not even allowed to stay with me for 5days after we got married. My MIL stated that she would not take me with them fearing their relatives would bad mouth about them as I dont belong to their culture.(I am a Bengali and married a Telegite). Soon after we got married, my DH left for his house, leaving me at my mom's place. I came to B'lore(my work place) from Kolkata(where we had our wedding) all by myself and started my usual life as office>home>office.(I used to work and live by myself in B'lore though my parents were in Kolkata.)

So, I saw their true colors since then and eventhough there isn't any important super work waiting for my DH, my IL's would still not allow him to accompany me or leave both of us together to enjoy a holiday. My MIL gets some kind of itching if she finds me with my DH.

She also opposed to the fact of me coming to Middle East and permanently staying together with my DH that too after 5months of our wedding. They wanted both of us to stay apart. Me in B'lore and their son in ME. That way they can accomplish their mission of brainwash and their son would be free of any responsibilities towards his wife. I had huge fights with my DH and my in-laws (eventhough me and IL's stayed in different states in India ) to join my DH. Finally, confronting so much of opposition, we did not inform my in-laws about my trip which was adviced by my DH. However, when my MIL started charging me (during my last trip to India) of not informing them about my plan to stay with their son , my DH refrained from accepting the fact that he asked me to hide. Instead, I was blamed .(Thats another long story)

Once I reached ME, my DH told his mom about my arrival and that led to another spark. Hearing the fact that I quit my job in B'lore , and depending completely on their son, they started another cheap trick. Out of the blues(as they normally dont call us, only give missed calls so that we call them back), they suddenly called my DH early in the morning on a weekend and asked for Rs.3-3.5 Lakhs in one shot(though my DH lends them Rs.20K everymonth plus pays EMI for their home loan). My DH was about to faint hearing this and when he asked for sometime to arrange the money, my In-laws started ranting since I was dependent on their son financially and that their son is spending everything on me depriving them from their share.

This was the usual story for 8months last year till I got a job here. My DH was pathetically forced for money only because I was dependent on him. The pressure became so bad that my DH inquired me about the amount that I received in P.F after resigning from my previous company in India.
We were financially in a bad state during that time.

Hence, I am xtremely annoyed now and think of this tit-for-tat behavior. I feel that I cannot breath around my ILs. I know the moment we stay for a long time in their house, my MIL will send my DH outside the house with some tricks, everyday for long hours(morning and evening) and will not allow me to accompany him anywhere. These are not my apprehensions. I saw this happening last time each day. We were never allowed to sit together even, so that I can talk to my DH for a second. If I requested my DH to take me with him wherever he goes, the answer that I received was that ,the culture of their house is different which does not allow a woman to accompany men in each and everything. :bullshit

This indeed becomes a golden oppurtunity for my MIL to vent out her jealousy at me in which ever possible ways and I really feel helpless and tortured mentally.

Well you may say that these are the few reasons amongst the lot ,why I am so reluctant to stay with them for a longer period of time. When my DH does not understand me and my situation, why should I???