help me to convince

Hi.
I m living with my husband in US for the past few years, after marriage. My problem is my husband's perception of my relatives. He is very distant with my relatives. He doesnt speak to them properly at all when we go to India, just a hi to my parents. he speaks freely (though rarely) on the phone from here (when his mom & dad arent around to comment). He neglects all my other relatives. But he expects me to move along well with all his folks (which i have learnt to do, though i was a reserved n shy person).

He is constantly afraid of what ppl wud say about his behavior to my folks & my behavior to his folks. My mil tells stories & complains abt my parents n myself (utterly disgusting) to my husband, who believes each silly thing she says. He has also started criticising them & me abt silly matters. however, they all treat my parents well when they visit me. so, nothing is known to other ppl. but my husband has never liked my going to my parents place. he gives silly, philosophical reasons, says married women shd not dream of staying for long at their parents house. why i need to stay there when these ppl r looking after me well (which they honestly do; my mil cooks for all of us & according to them, what more do i need?). how his own sister doesnt stay long with them (which is utter lies, but i cant argue over this with them). my in laws dont like it when my husband visits my parents & he obeys their untold wishes. now, he doesnt even like my going there.

though my in laws r caring to me, my mil creates problems & fights bet us when she came to US, making me look awkward. i dint make an issue, which led to my husband thinking that all is well, n they are superb in-laws. my fil cribs abt his daughter all the while & all 3 of them feel they r extreeeeeeemly kind to me & i shd be blessed to have such good relations. my husband even calls me names to please his mom, when they fought. how can they consider themselves so, when they pick faults with ppl & dont let me visit my parents, brothers & sisters? they however want both of us to speak daily to them, which we do. my husband also insists on this. He blames me for every little that goes wrong. he says i must treat my in laws & his sister in the same way i treat mine, with more preference actually. i have never treated my in laws & sil differently, but his folks make him think so, & he gets the creeps & lashes it out on me. nowadays he even feels i shd speak the same way to my mil like i speak to my mother. how can my mil be the same as my mother? i definitely have more in common with my mom than with his mom & so many things to talk about with her. he thinks these acts would please his parents & its a daughter-in-laws duty... do u agree? he updates his parents daily on the phone, at least once daily. while he says i can speak on weekends to my folks. i have put up with his tiring behaviour for so long; now he doesnt even agree to my staying for some weeks at my parents... am i not entitled to some rest at least?

the worst problem is, i think he fears our child would become attached to my folks. my mil drove it into him, right before me, the fact that he shd bring up his child with first attachment to them, n then only to my folks. he agreed to this. i dont argue with them, bcos they immediately say a good dil shdnt argue/backanswer & preach abt their family values & how good a dil their own daughter is... My husband also joins his mother in such sermons and its so awful. They make a mockery of me, as though i m so crooked and evil. They exaggerate small things and i really wonder if all husbands do so, do they have the time to take part in domestic issues like my husband?

do u folks have the same problems? my parents r old & feel lonely. they want to spend time with my child. how do i convince my husband of the importance of going to my house? i m so bad at arguing n end up crying. so pls help! how do i convince him? fearing fights, i havent argued with him till now.


Thanks a ton!
Sandhya

 

Dear Preethi & Roopadadia,
Thanks for ur advices! Let me clarify things. It's going to be a long post, but I must make things clear...

Yes, my in-laws, and my husband, do care for me a lot. My mil & i split up work when we are together; she does the cooking, while I do other activities like cleaning, washing, etc. She cares for me when I fall sick, and I m very happy and satisfied with their care. BUT, they all behave weirdly when it comes to maintaining relationship with other ppl. They dont let me attend my family functions, giving silly reasons & showing similar treatment in her and her daughter's lives. My mil says she got even worse treatment from her mil & i shd be thankful to them. I get the feeling that they think I shd renounce my folks. She keeps saying stories abt some families where the mil showers more care on a girl than her own mom, and this girl finds this to be the only fault with her her mil! My husband immediately draws a parallel and thinks I too feel so! He behaves like such an idiot (sorry to say), that he even draws a parallel between characters in mega-serials and me! I dont demean my in-laws, in fact, I ve never revealed any of their weird doings to my folks still. (They dont know of such issues still). I have only prided myself to ppl abt my in-laws.

My mil is caring as long as I listen just to her and be at her footsteps. Most of the problem arose after I became pregnant. She makes sure her son notices how caring she is. She always competes with me. But I let her win in domestic issues, like cooking. For example, she cudnt bear it when my husband praised me abt a certain dish, and said she cud make it in 10 different ways for her son! I dont want to argue with her or compete with her and destroy my peace. So I have kept such mil issues away from my husband. But some things she does really hurt me. She wants him to accompany her to the doctor, but forbids him from accompanying me, even for my pregnancy visit. She wants him to remain with her every day when we visit India. I have given in to this fancy of hers, thinking that she lives away from her son for so many months... so y not give in for a few months to her likes. But, to support her views, she picks faults in my folks & makes them look like wicked ppl. They dont spare even my grandparents; she tries to get sympathy from her son by telling him exaggerated versions of my granny's remarks & he holds me responsible for these incidents. She doesnt like it when I mention some nice thing my mom, dad or brother did. She had the guts to make my husband instruct me that i shdnt be speaking much to my mom when she came to the US, & he obeyed her command. She makes me good items for functions and gifts me a sari and points out to her son how good a mil she is; and how my mom failed to do these things!!! My fil, for his part, told my husband that my parents love my bro & sis more than me (What cheek!). My husband is inclined to believe that, based on his parents "findings & observations". However, they expect my folks to hand over gifts for me & my child to them so that they can give these things to us themselves. How can they expect this when they dont let ppl look at the child? My sil, for her part, put the idea into his head, that my folks cast evil eye on our child. From then on, my husband doesnt like revealing things abt my child's development to them... He wants me to consult his mom (& not mine) for every thing like my health, our child's health or a cooking tip.

My mil says my parents (as well as any other relative) shd speak to her first whenever they call me & its wrong on their part to speak just to me. She says she speaks to her daughter's mil first whenever she calls them (again lies, as I have observed). She also says she avoids calling her daughter when she is at her in-laws place, bcos they dont like it either. My husband is of the opinion that what behavior his parents show to their daughter's in-laws shuld ALWAYS be followed by my parents. My mil demands such "respect" & says my parents dont know how to respect them. She & my fil tell my husband none of my folks respect him. My husband supports their view. He has even warned me that I shdnt speak from my own room to my parents; I never do that either. I speak right there in the hall in front of everyone to my mom; all this makes me feel very sick, and I really feel bad about how it would hurt my parents if I say just a routine hi/hello each time they speak. I really never crib abt my in laws to my mom, even when I am here alone in the US. But my husband says that *ppl r thinking* that my mom is cunning and she teaches me on the phone how to separate our family. This is utter rubbish and I ve told him so. It looks like my in laws dont like the rapport I have with my folks. My husband n in laws note how I used to speak to my folks and say I dont speak to them in the same way, with same amount of love & care. I have been playing down on my feelings to my parents for quite long now, and become more caring to my in-laws. But now, they have caught hold of other issues and are still dissatisfied. Now I feel, why shd I play down on my love to my parents any longer? I dont know how much longer I can carry on. I feel I m letting my parents down. My husband is himself confused; he throws such blames on me when his parents instigate him. But otherwise he is really good and encourages me to speak to my folks when I m here in US.

Regarding visiting my parents, they let me visit them shortly. My mil said that I can stay there for a week or so, at her mercy, while I must be with my in-laws for over a month. They create the impression to others that my parents are erring. My neighbors were very curious last time around, why I didnt go to my parents' house. My relatives and friends too ask me the same thing. When my parents come to my house to take me home, they say, "Dont you want us to spend time with our dil (me!). We care well for her." My husband gives excuses that we must attend some (really unimportant) family function or I must be present to see his childhood friend (as though we came all the way from US to see this guy! Ugggghh) My parents r really happy they care for me, but still they want me & my child to stay with them for a while.

Now, for the ultimate issue. My husband, as I said before, thinks his parents are always right, when it comes to behaving with in-laws. My husband feels he is doing the right thing. In fact, he feels he is really gracious, as he n his folks dont ask me to do the cooking, or torment me for jewels, money, etc. like other in-laws! He says he will become mama's boy when we visit India, and start "correcting" me again. He has even said that we are NOT going to visit my brother this time & has even asked me to be prepared for a misunderstanding/fight abt it. We didnt visit them last time too, because his mom said it is THEY who shd visit us, they dont respect them, etc. She & my fil feel all my relatives shd call me and visit me when I'm in their house, and not when I go to my parents' place. They didnt like it when my parents took me to my aunt's house. When my aunt came to visit me at my in-laws, none of them spoke to her. They waited and saw if I spoke to my aunt. How can they expect this same person to visit them again?? My husband even blamed me for speaking to her when she came home, saying that I speak to *my* aunt and not to *his* uncle!!! Now, all of my relatives want to see my child, and I dont know what my in-laws would do...

I've noticed that my in laws dont like my husband or me visiting their own relatives either. They became furious when we visited my husband's uncle. My mil says its enough if our family and his sister's family visit each other. My husband however opposes this and wants to visit his cousins, uncles and aunts. To discourage him, they have started telling tales abt these ppl too, and he believes them, just as he believed the tales abt my folks.

I'm caught in a dilemma as my in-laws shower care on me; but at the same time they want me alone; not my relatives. I love my husband and in-laws, but want things to get better. My husband wants to avoid going to India altogether to prevent these problems. He is ready to blame me when things turn sour, which they will, given their stand. How do I convince him now? He is just postponing the inevitable. I have been brought up as a shy girl and dont have much experience arguing or fighting with my bro & sis. I dont know how to speak up to my husband abt these issues. I make up my mind to speak and practise sentences, but mellow down when I see him and he starts speaking.

Sorry to have made this post very lonnng. Tell me, how long do u folks stay at ur inlaws & own parents houses?? And is the behavior they expect from me reasonable & is that what a good dil shd do?

 

Dear Preethi,
Thank you very much for your valuable guidance. I feel encouraged now to seek my right. All along I ve been afraid of whether it would backfire if I spoke about it... I mean, my husband gets again into his fault-picking-abt-my-folks mood when I speak about goin to India. What if he denies even the 1 week "leave" his mom has granted me??

Well, I've made up my mind now to speak abt it anyway, keeping your points in mind. No use keeping quiet. I really need a break and want to give justice to my parents.

One more question: do u think it is possible for me to erase the bad opinion he has of my folks & reduce his aversion to them? I m unsure about his future reactions to the silly issues that his parents would raise in India... I'm sure he would find the issues silly too, if he looks at them without a bias. How can you make one see things without being biased??

Thanks!
Sandhya

 

Dear ILites,
I'm back again. Now, I feel I'm beginning to see the true colors of my husband. I've loved him always and still love him; I cant imagine living without him, but I'm astonished, ashamed, fed up, frustrated, what not, with his behavior.

Reason: He simply hates my parents & doesnt want me & my kid to stay with them. He has gone to the extent of creating a big misunderstanding bet. my parents & his. He is a coward n takes shelter by throwing blame on others.

What happened was: I have a baby to look after at home; I have developed health issues & went to the doc. I kept this away from my parents n in-laws, as we thought they'll become anxious. For the first time in 3 years, he made a phone call to my father. He told him abt my health & that i've gone to the hospital. My parents became worried & realised my difficulty of caring for the child with such problems. So, they asked him to send me & kid for some weeks to take rest. He did nt tell me all this; my parents told me later. Meanwhile, my doc advised me to take good rest & avoid stressing myself. I pleaded with DH to let me stay with my parents for a few weeks; he feels its not necessary; that i must cure myself here only.

We r planning a trip to India already. But there r lots of uncertainties. My mil is going to her daughter's place when we r in India. She wants me to b with them as long as she is there at our home. Whereas my fil wants me to stay back after she leaves and cook, clean, manage the household. My DH wants me to be there the whole duration of our visit. Now, his parents also agree with him n say the same thing. Otherwise, he says we go later to India. He doesnt understand my health situation n says we can go to a different doc. Am i a human or an animal to undergo all the diagnostic tests again. He doesnt understand how low/bad i feel. The pressure on me n him as well is building up. He says it's entirely wrong on my part to leave the house n stay with my parents when his mamma isnt there. A good dil shd cook n clean in such a situation. Well, i agree its my duty. That is the same thing I did to his father when he visited US. From morning coffee to washing his plate n clothes, I did everything. DH didnt help 1%. I pampered him acc. to DH's wishes n cooked extrvagant dishes,though i had health problems even then. He didnt help me at all, bcos he thought his father wudnt like a guy doing household chores. Imagine how much i wudve struggled to cook, serve, clean, take care of baby, in this country. My fil went away very pleased. But now, see how they behave! DH is "afraid of what ppl wud say" when I dont stay back at my in-laws.

With all such confusions, suddenly, my DH told his mamma that my parents r pressing him to send me to their house, that they dont care abt our family situation, they dont care whether his mamma is there at home or not; etc etc. He has created the impression my parents r selfish n want me to stay there only, which isnt true. He didnt say a SINGLE word abt my health issue to him mom. Naturally they got pissed off n started ranting abt how i can go there when she is going off to her daughter's house. He replied that he is under great stress from my family, n that he is struggling to avoid a fight with me, n we'll decide what to do soon.

His speech left me wordless. How can he say such false things abt my father to his parents? What is he trying to achieve? My parents r sincerely worried abt my health. But my DH dislikes them to the core n wants to avoid sending me or my kid there. He thinks my kid'll develop attachment to my folks when i visit them! How cheap he's behaving. Already my in laws r not satisfied with my parents behavior & doings; now, y is he carrying tales abt them to his parents? Why is he hiding my health issues from his parents? I told him to speak abt that immediately, but he refused. He wants to showcase me n my parents in bad light. Tell me dear ILites, why wud a husband create such problems for his wife??

I asked him anyway y he said so abt my parents; he says that s how he thinks n that he was offended when my father told him that he wud pay for my flight ticket to India. I cudnt reply to this. Tell me ppl, is that wrong on my father's part? When a son in law calls n complains abt his wife's health (out of the blue), wudnt a caring father ask him to send her to India? They know already that we have lots of expenses in store (paying for my mil's flight tickets to her daughter's). My father had also told he cud send my mom to help us here (but I m against that idea as my father wud have to suffer alone in India; he is old & not in good health). If my husband was really offended by my dad's offer, y didnt he tell me that earlier?? He just uses this as an excuse to insult my parents.

Why did he call my father in the first place, without my knowledge, to complain abt my health?? This same guy didnt even call my father when I delivered. He has been creating several problems like this from the beginning. But bcos i love him, i've forgiven each bad thing he did; i forgave him when he insulted me n my parents in front of his parents; i forgave him when he didnt visit my parents; i forgave him when he didnt call my father after i delivered; i forgave him when he prevented me from speaking to my relatives; i forgave him when he ordered me to give more importance to his sister than mine; i forgave him when he said my parents cast an evil eye on our kid; i forgave him when he didnt bother to enquire when my father was sick (even after i urged him to); i forgave him when he didnt show even the basic respect one gives to elders, to my parents; i forgave him hundreds of times. I've been thinking (like an idiot) that sometimes he shields his parents; he scolds me b4 they scold me, bcos i wud forgive him easily. Now, i feel he doesnt deserve my love or respect. He thinks only from his angle n says I m selfish!!

He behaves like another mil. Believe me, this is exactly the sort of thing his mother does. Listening to ppl n complaining abt them later. What do I do now? :bowdown How wud his mother believe me if I say that what her son told abt my father is wrong?? How do i speak to my in laws now??

Pls tell me how to get the message across to my in laws n DH that I definitely need to take a break n rest at my house!
Thanks a ton!
Sandhya