Problem with my spouse and FIL

Me and my husband did love marriage with our parents blessings. I dont have a mother in law. My sister in law has a mental disorder, in the sense she does not remember the old things. She is married and has a son. My husband has an younger brother. He is also married and has a daughter. Now we have a 3 year old daughter.

The issue is me and my husband never made love regularly. Even if he is interested and if he gets a call from my FIL that day, then he will goto sleep after that. I have learnt to control my feelings, but very rarely he kindles my feelings and when i wait that day, he will sleep. I get hurt those times. I had been to India for vacation and after i came back we made love only once and that too after i initiated. I once talked to him regarding this and he told that he is sorry and everything was fine for may be a month. Then again back to square one.

2. During my first two years of marriage, my FIL did not allow my husband to come to our bedroom till 2 am in the morning. He will talk something to my husband. We both were working at that time and i will sleep tired. We never had IC regularly. But every month FIL would ask if i had my periods or did i get pregnant.. I used to shrug off his comments and not take him seriously. He even started calling me alternate days and say, I need to talk to u to lighten up my heart and there is no one for him to share his feelings. I took it in a friendly manner. But when my BIL got married, my cosister who is from the same caste told me that my FIL is looking at her differently and to be cautious. It never striked me. But he used to tell some nasty jokes and comments. He even had said that his son in law is not having proper sex with her daughter and his daughter is upset because of this. This time when i was in India he told me 'Your husband should get some kind of exercise which will help him mentally and physically', he looked at me mischeviously and asked if i understand what kind of exercise he is talking about and that i should cooperate with my hubby for that. I am sure that my husband has not discussed our sex life with his dad and he did not have any clue abt that. But i dont know how he had the nerve to talk to me like that. The servant maid and the son in law heard what he is talking to me and they told that he is doing all kind of nasty things like once he told the son in law that he will ask my husband to get some kind of machine for his daughters pleasure if his son in law does not satisfy her. I almost fainted. Since then i limited myself talking to him. My husband also scolded him. But my hubby is always like his obedient disciple and again he is expecting me to talk to him as before. My FIL is behaving as if nothing has happened and is trying to talk to me like before. I dont know what to do.

Please advice ladies...

Hey Nirmala,

I was stunned while reading your post. Why would your FIL behave like that.

Does he ever behaved unproperly with you. If he brings anything like this again tell him that its your private matter and he shouldn't be talking to you and its not proper. Keep him at distance.

About the sex with your hubby.. if you have to initiate it, then make it exciting for him.

Plan a nice romantic dinner or a beach trip (as this being summer). Do your best to look attractive and erosing to him. but donot force him for the sex.. Bring some change in you. It could be your hair style or your dressing style. something different...see if he notices it. If he starts noticing, then just entertain him like that but no sex yet..eventually I am sure he would just come to you...

It worked for me while we had a big break after the baby and my ILs visit. Took a while to comeback to normal sex life...

Wish you all the best....

-Girl full of dreams
Sati

Hi Nirmala!

I tried to avoid replying to ur post, but I could'nt resist! is this man, ur FIL in his senses!? Gross and disgusting, is what comes to my mind when I think of his behaviour! How do u even put up with it?? Kick him out of the house! A man who does not know the difference between the revered mother, sister, daughter, DIL needs to be kicked out of the house and society! I cannot even imagine a Father or FIL saying or doing such things! God! This guy is mentally unstable!

Hi Sati,

Thanks for ur advice... I will try to follow it. I feel that i look beautiful and attractive though i dont dress up. I will try doing that too.. :) Will atleast boost my confidence if not anything else..

Hi ANK,

Thanks for posting ur thoughts. What u said is diifuclt for me to do in practical life. My hubby is like my FIL's obedient disciple.. He keeps nodding his head with folded arms for hours and i was shocked at that. But in my house my dad and me are like friends. My inner strength is my Dad. My Dad had a heart attack recently and i dont want him to hear anything going wrong from my side, so am putting up with all this by trying to keep away from my FIL at the same time just saying a Hi and How are you to my FIL whenever my hubby hands over the phone to me.. I am thinking of picking up battles, like not letting him to come to US and stay with us. I am planning to tell that i will leave to India and stay there while ur Dad is here.. I pray God to give my hubby the wisdom to see the reality and to be bold.

- Nirmala

Originally Posted by nirmalapn

Hi Sati,

Thanks for ur advice... I will try to follow it. I feel that i look beautiful and attractive though i dont dress up. I will try doing that too.. :) Will atleast boost my confidence if not anything else..

Hi ANK,

Thanks for posting ur thoughts. What u said is diifuclt for me to do in practical life. My hubby is like my FIL's obedient disciple.. He keeps nodding his head with folded arms for hours and i was shocked at that. But in my house my dad and me are like friends. My inner strength is my Dad. My Dad had a heart attack recently and i dont want him to hear anything going wrong from my side, so am putting up with all this by trying to keep away from my FIL at the same time just saying a Hi and How are you to my FIL whenever my hubby hands over the phone to me.. I am thinking of picking up battles, like not letting him to come to US and stay with us. I am planning to tell that i will leave to India and stay there while ur Dad is here.. I pray God to give my hubby the wisdom to see the reality and to be bold.

- Nirmala

Nirmala,I understand how you feel.Nowadays its always better to be cautious of close relatives like cousins and some elder people like your FIL. You need to be extra cautious in case your FIL visits or you visit him in India. Please dont be in a situation where you are alone in the house with your FIL. Make an excuse and go out.As much as possible try to convince your husband so that your FIL doesnt visit you in US. If he does see to it that its a short trip. When your husband is at work try to volunteer nearby or if you are working better. Its always better to be cautious when in contact with such people.Best of luck.

Dear Nirmala,

I am shocked to read about your fil's words and actions. He seriously needs some counselling. Even if your hubby is your fil's silent follower, you should raise alarm about the situation. gently bring out this topic before your hubby saying that you look at his father like your own father and when fil talks like these things then you get very uncomfortable and uneasy in his company. Ask him to convey to his father to stop such activity. If your hubby feels timid to do the same, you own your part should start putting your foot down for such nonsense. Whenever he talks dirty just openly and loudly mention that you do not wish to hear from him on such topics. Fil should be conveyed this message else he will feel that you are ok with such words and infact he may think that may be you like it ! So for your own sanity speak up before it gets too late. Donot ever be alone with this man in the house, we cannot be sure what could be his next step towards you. in that case, perhaps no one will believe you later if you complain. Please donot wait for anyone else to take action on your behalf.

Regards.

Dear Nirmala,

You have to take a tough stand and also take the help of someone you are comfortable with, maybe your co sister, since she has also gone through the same.

Tell very strenly to your FIL not to talk to you in such a way. Also this is a sensitive issue. While talking to your husband, tell him how much you are hurt by your FIL behavior and inform him that you will forget the past behavior of your FIL, if and only if he behaves properly with you in future.

Hope your problem get solved very soon.

I agree with Chocolate on this issue.

If your FIL comes to US see to it that you are never alone with him as there unlike India there are no neighbours who would come running in case you shout for help. Otherwise it would be good if you come to India during that period.

You can also take help from your co-sis and BIL if he is aware of this since his wife has also faced the same problem.

Also, put your foot down on this with your husband, as later you can't regret at leisure.

Thanks for all your advices. I really feel better these days as i know i have a virtual extended family who can listen to my concerns and share their thoughts. Actually the day i wrote this post i was very confused and worried and i felt guilty that i was not taking better care of my daughter. All your replies have made me more courageous and light hearted.

Love
Nirmala