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It's not an affair.. So what is it?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016.

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  1. Feb 10, 2016 #1
    Forlorn

    Forlorn New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone

    Hope some of u know from my previous posts about my situation. Well I will just give u quick recap of things that went by so that u wonderful ladies can help me out.

    My husband's problems:

    1) I am having body odour
    2) He has pampered me alot n loved me a lot..He feels I didn't understood him as he expected me to..
    3) he told me he loves someone n no longer has any feelings for me.

    What I did:

    Ofcourse I was devastated by knowing that he loves someone n having affair.. N longer care about me.i am grateful for all those who replied to my previous post...I actually implemented a lot of things suggested by u all..

    1) started taking extra care about my odour (someone here advices me to use lemon)viola it works pure magic on my body.... No more odor
    2) I know he loved me alot but maybe I was not upto his mark in showing my love for him.i started taking small steps... But he told me today don't do all this new things:-(
    3) I confronted him about this girl... He said he loves her.. I asked who is she...He replied I don't know... I got upset n told him that u slowly but very firmly cut off all the emotional ties from me...It's very easy for u to say all this etc...

    A week probably passed by I initiated a talk again to mend things cause there's no girl in question as such it's just his imagination.. Blah.. Something.. Hopes u see...
    I as u all have guessed by now very emotional. Especially about him...He told I pampered u a lot did lot of things for u.. U also ponder on stuff u did for me.i love someone...I said how can u...He replied do u wante to kill my emotions...
    I cried n told would like to go to mum's place..(am having terrible back pain...n doc found a cyst during my c section.. So they told me to get a scan after a year so that they can know...whether its coming again n not..I told I want to get my scan done n all that's y wanted to go) he told me he's been very open n this is how I am reacting...

    I again said sorry for being an immature emotional fool. I asked him whether he want to better things or nor he replied in am affirmative. We decided we will write about each other's expectations n he said we will go by priorities... He told me to take good amount of time n then come to him.

    Anyways I have to write it all down n then have a talk.please help me in making him understand that I love him a lot and can't think of anyone even in his mind except me.
    I stated exercising, diet n making nice breakfast for him...He turned cold against me..It's killing me inside..I doubt is there really girl that he loves n there's absolutely no place for me in his heart..anymore... I am trying all the things that I could possibly think of..but he is just seems to be unaffected... What should I do?
    Well I am thinking of writing down all the stuff that needs to be discussed.. But hope i will be patient enough to listen to him when he does not care.how should I be calm when he clearly told that he doesn't love me anymore?
    quite a long post.please do help me.
    Thanks.
     
    Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016
    Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016
    #1
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  2. Feb 10, 2016 #2
    Forlorn

    Forlorn New IL'ite

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    Why no one's responding???:-(
     
    Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016
    Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016
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  3. Feb 10, 2016 #3
    MULLAI62

    MULLAI62 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am new IL. I do not know about your whole story. But when i read this I feel to give you some advice.I do not want to leave you as you are.

    "Whatever is yours will always be yours.
    Anything that away was never yours even before.
    If you know this you will be at peace'.

    Dear friend LOVE should be given. It should not be begged. What you are doing? When you are in the giving side why you have to beg?

    I am so sorry. All beings are same in this world. Give your love. Reciprocally you will get lots of love.

    To be calm, engage yourself in various ways which u like. Bye.
     
    MULLAI62, Feb 10, 2016
    MULLAI62, Feb 10, 2016
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  4. Feb 10, 2016 #4
    sugugiri2010

    sugugiri2010 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    You say in the title that he is not having an affair but ur post say he have one... I dont understand that part.

    One clear thing i would like to say... If your husband really loves you, odour will not be an issue for him. Am sure abt it.

    your statement is not much clear for me, though from what i have understood, I am sure he is having an affair, but he is afraid to say openly to you abt her.

    From this i understand he is in love with someone and he is also afraid if u will create any issue, if u will say it to ur parents or his parents, That is the reason he has asked to write down things so that he can escape...

    Am really worried for you. Ask him clearly..
    1.Would you like to continue a life with me?
    2.I dont care who u r in love with, but if you wanted me and our kid to be with you forget that girl totally.
    3.I will give you some time think and tell me say a week or so. if you dont come up with a answer i will inform both our parents and go back to my parents.
     
    sugugiri2010, Feb 10, 2016
    sugugiri2010, Feb 10, 2016
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  5. Feb 10, 2016 #5
    kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    What is your husband even thinking??? Is he out of his mind? I feel you are too emotional to handle this and he is taking you for a ride.

    Pls involve both your parents. Your husband is trying to have 2 wives and get away with it. First find out who this girl is, is she also in love in your DH, how long this is going on.

    Btw this looks like an AFFAIR to me.
     
    kimmy, Feb 10, 2016
    kimmy, Feb 10, 2016
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  6. Feb 11, 2016 #6
    Forlorn

    Forlorn New IL'ite

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    Well I initiated the talks two weeks before in which I told him how he has no time for kids n he's disrespectful towards me even in public...I am worried about our relationship etc..
    Yesterday again I told ok i wrote whatever I am expecting let's discuss when u come home.i thought I will question him about this girl whether she really exist or its just in his mind or its that they r having an affair. What i got was much more hurtful
    He said...I loved u so much all these years...u didn't realize..I never questioned u regarding anything...It's not in my nature to say ok dont do this or that...I want people I love to realize it... Etc..
    I asked ok what r the things u dont like in me probably I will surely work on it.he said no comments... Then I asked about this girl...He said we did not sit here for discussing this...u told me where I lack... I'll work on it...but I won't say anything about the girl.
    In short kids are his priority....He didn't said anything about things that he want me to work upon but would like me to say his drawbacks,will not say anything about the girl.
    Now it looks like I want to better our relationship... But he doesn't care but yes he will give me all the comforts of life but no emotional n physical connection with him.
    Since I am emotional n he thinks I am immature as well...maybe I am...coz every two to three weeks I'll go to him n beg for his love
    What I decided to do:

    1)get in shape
    2)Look for a job
    3)Start reading self help books
    4) Stay happy... No negative thoughts...
    don't go n beg for his love
    5) No emotional attachments with anyone any more

    As someone told me here if he is truly mine he will comeback maybe after seeing all this chgs...thn we will get to know about this girl.
    For him this girl thing is not an issue...but it hurts me n kills me... Inside...

    I request you ladies to give me some ideas of what I should do.
     
    Forlorn, Feb 11, 2016
    Forlorn, Feb 11, 2016
    #6
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  7. Feb 11, 2016 #7
    MULLAI62

    MULLAI62 Platinum IL'ite

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    dear forlorn,
    Still you are not clear. You are saying but not from your deep heart just from your lips.

    Just value yourself by various ways.

    Sometime expressing too much of love puts people off. Start to love yourself. Automatically the situation changes.

    Keep yourself tight till the end of the day.In tamil we use to say "Vittu dhan pidikka vendum".

    Just change your life style. Start Living as you like. Value yourself.
     
    MULLAI62, Feb 11, 2016
    MULLAI62, Feb 11, 2016
    #7
  8. Feb 11, 2016 #8
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Am I missing anything here? Seriously???

    What any wife would do after hearing that her H is having an affair with a girl?
    To get back to shape,
    Work on odor problems
    [COLOR=#009900 !important]Look for a job[/COLOR]
    Start reading [COLOR=#009900 !important]self help books[/COLOR]
    Stay happy... No negative thoughts...
    don't go n beg for his love
    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]No emotional attachments with anyone any more[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Come on yaar. You are trying to address the symptoms of your problem by comfortably ignoring the root cause.

    [/FONT]Your H is cheating on you. Having an EMA. Telling this openly and blaming you for that. How comfortable is it?
    Just because you did not live upto his standards, he has started an affair with another girl.
    He started this topic, told you the fact, now he doesn't wanna discuss anything about this topic anymore. Why?

    Yes, your husband is right. He knows how stupid and immature you are. How much dependent you are on him. So that he believes he can do anything, but no matter what, you will be around.
    As you said, you will be there for him to give all the comforts, but his girl friend will share his bed and heart. How comfortable. And yes, of course his child is his first priority. That's why he allows you to be around. Else, he would have chased you out of the house to bring that "girl" inside.

    You come across as a stupid, complete dependent, immature and emotional fool. No doubt, your husband is conveniently cheating on you.
     
    SGBV, Feb 11, 2016
    SGBV, Feb 11, 2016
    #8
    yellowmango, Mylifeatusa, tcbhuvana and 6 others like this.
  9. Feb 11, 2016 #9
    28neha

    28neha Platinum IL'ite

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    Thats the spirit !! Alll the best dear !! surly u will get your love back but u just dont think about it..and work on your listed things :)

    based on your comment i can say he is not that bad person..i think he dont have anyone in his life ...or might be having but not so much connected..so just stay calm and dont beg console1


     
    28neha, Feb 11, 2016
    28neha, Feb 11, 2016
    #9
  10. Feb 11, 2016 #10
    Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Op he is bloody smart.Probability is high that this other girl dont know he is married with kid.Or may be he has painted very negative picture of you infront of this women to gain her sympathy. Thats why he is not allowing you to know about her.

    You need to start bit detective work.See his facebook or do you any connections in his office?You need to figure out who this girl is.see whatsapp,his mail account chat if possible.Do it secretively.

    Once you have solid proof of his affair you can involve his and your parents.Or he will go in denial mode about it infront of them.
     
    Iamagoodgirl, Feb 11, 2016
    Iamagoodgirl, Feb 11, 2016
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    2 people like this.
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