Is the fight worth it?

hridhaya · Feb 6, 2016

Recently I met a lady in my apartment community and found that she had completed a 5K running marathon. I started taking tips from her and met her the following day in our community gym where she was with her personal trainer.She introduced me to him and casually suggested I could take a couple of sessions with him to learn some strengthening exercises and assess my fitness level. I told the trainer that I already know some basic exercises but I was not doing them so I will start working out again and get back to him in couple of weeks so that he can rectify the moves and set higher goals for me.

I mentioned this to my husband and he was totally against the use of personal trainer even if it for one or two sessions. He said I need to do this on my own if I want and I should not follow the lifestyle of rich. He thinks a personal trainer is unnecessary and lifestyle expansion. I felt that I need someone to evaluate my fitness and give some guidance.We had a big fight about this and I gave up finally.

We have been having few issues like this in the last year or more and it takes a while before we patch up.He says he wants to lead a simple lifestyle and I am taking an opposite route. I feel he is objecting my wishes and preventing me to try something new in life.I feel that I need to take his approval otherwise things get out of hand when there is a difference of opinion.

1. I am not sure how to handle these kind of conflicts in future.Putting my foot down makes matters worse and he says that we should go for amicable separation if we continue to have a gap in our ways of thinking about life.

2. Should I let go of my excitement for harmony at home? We are married for 10+ years and he is 5 years elder to me. We agree with each other 60-70% of the time in general.

3. The thing that bothers me is he doesn't think the way most people think.I agree with his thought process but I would also like to pamper myself sometimes.

Please give your opinion.

Justanotherwife · Feb 6, 2016

Whoa, amicable separation for wanting a personal trainer seems bit extreme to me. Your desire to pamper yourself is very normal, we all want to be pampered sometimes. I am in a similar situation at times but I let go because I am not working. All I get to hear is, if I start working then I can spend my earnings as I want, no questions asked. We never went past that point as I quit working after 12 years and prefer to stay at home now. Do you work ?

satchitananda · Feb 6, 2016

Hi Hridaya, such rifts are only too common. Now going by what you say i.e. you see eye to eye on 60-70% of stuff, that is fine. Does he consult you or follow your wishes if what he wants to do does not meet your approval? If it is mutual, well ..... though it is not pleasant to keep throttling desires for the sake of the partner all the time.

The point here is that it seems too trivial a matter to come to the point of the big D. It is just a difference in basic perspective. Are you working hridaya? If you are, you should be able to spend on a single consultation without having to take permission.

Is it just a question of 'wasteful' expenses or is it a matter of not being comfortable with you one to one with a male trainer. If it is the latter, then maybe you need to think before letting this become an issue. If it is just a matter of what expense is 'necessary' or 'unnecessary', then why not discuss the matter with him and make him understand that it is not possible to be 100% in agreement with each other (yes, even in a marriage) and there has to be a certain latitude for both individuals to breathe easy?

Maybe discussing this with him might give him food for thought. Like he would not like to be made to do what he does not want to do, there should be some freedom for you to do what you want to do, so long as you are not upsetting any apple cart.

hridhaya · Feb 6, 2016

yes, I work and in our case, it is not the money. It is his thinking that life has to be lead a certain way. For eg, it is ok to learn yoga and do on our own but some people attend yoga classes for indefinite time, going to the same teacher. He thinks people with lack of discipline only do that.

We have even signed up for a language course to learn together. He believes that is useful learning and does not swing the lifestyle.

Amicable separation was mentioned to insist that it is difficult for him to live together if I constantly nag him with something or the other. He says I am dreaming of a grander lifestyle (although I am really not in comparison with others) while he is leaning towards simpler living. It is difficult to convince him.

Many mothers put their kids in many extra curricular classes but he is really choosy and will only agree if the coaching class is one of the best in terms of quality. It is frustrating sometimes.

vaidehi71 · Feb 6, 2016

Hi,

He would have uttered it in anger.
I feel that there is some truth in what he had told. Simple life is better. I'm of the opinion that there is no need to argue about this issue and to tell that you would continue with out a trainer.

You had lived with him so long to know him, so would know him much better and could avoid the circumstances which could trigger arguments. when there are no longer arguments there would be happiness and there would be peace within mind as well in family.

All the best.
Vaidehi

hridhaya · Feb 6, 2016

@satchitananda,
his wishes are very less. He has not bought anything for him in the last few years except clothes or replacement of items.

It is not about male trainer nor money. we can afford few consultation cost definitely. He says this is all rich's obsession and people can live a long age without these extra frills.

hridhaya · Feb 6, 2016

Thanks @vaidehi71. The bottom line is I cannot freely take my own decision hoping that my husband would back me up. I cannot commit to anybody unless I check with him. Otherwise I will be putting myself in a spot. I have seen my friends taking mediocre decisions (in my opinion) and continue with it but I know such moves will create a rage in my house.

vani098 · Feb 6, 2016

If are time is bad we fight unessesarlly with our life partner.
This is very simple issue and no need to fight this much n go to separation. This is very extreme n reticulous. See some time we need to obey our elder he may be husband r parents r in-laws . sit n talk don't go for separation its too much. Do't spoil u'r life.

In Telugu we have one sametha r word. I don't know u know Telugu r not

"Barya barthala Madhya bedallu vachinapudu mundhu yevaru sorry chesthey vallaki yedutti valla medha chala prema unnatu ani ardam"

In English I'll try
" in wife n husband relation if any problem r misunderstanding comes the person who says sorry n make the matter cleared that means he has most love on his r her partner"

K get the matter cleared n delete misunderstandings n adjest.

I hope both of u life together like a happy couple.

yellowmango · Feb 6, 2016

Simple life should also come with other things like acceptance of others opinion. Simplicity is not just about materialistic things.
What is the use of being simple by stifling others valid wishes and emotionally bullying others into living according to their wishes ?

I could understand if there was real money problem .
This does not make sense, specially where you are also earning.

Who is he to decide how both of you will lead your lives?

If I were in your place...I would tell him he should lead a simple life if he wants because it is his right .But let me live the life I want.....specially where these little luxuries don't effect his simple life.e.g. this issue about the trainer.

And no ,he doesn't get to have a divorce because I want a few luxuries in life. Live and let others live their lives.

people can live a long age without these extra frills.
Click to expand...

What is the use of a long life if you can't enjoy some pleasures along the way?

This is not just about a personal trainer,it is about your whole life without simple pleasures that are not to his approval.

satchitananda · Feb 7, 2016

hridhaya said: ↑

@satchitananda,
his wishes are very less. He has not bought anything for him in the last few years except clothes or replacement of items.

It is not about male trainer nor money. we can afford few consultation cost definitely. He says this is all rich's obsession and people can live a long age without these extra frills.
Click to expand...

That's perfectly fine. It is his perspective - a completely legitimate one. However, he needs to understand that it can be stifling if it is imposed too rigidly on someone who likes some degree of flexibility. That does not make one a spendthrift. He would be justified if this became a routine practice with you, but if it is a once in a way luxury .....