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Need help with stubborn wife

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Luvmywife, Nov 29, 2015.

  1. Luvmywife

    Luvmywife New IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I've been a silent lurker all this while looking for posts which match my situation. Couldn't find any. So I decided to post mine today and seek suggestions.

    I'm married to this beautiful woman and we have a daughter of 7 years old. Both of us work here in US. We are a happy family and live each other to no end. But here is the problem that's been bugging me for sometime. Whenever we have a lengthy discussion on an issue and decide/agree something, she just doesn't stick to it. She carries on her own methods (read original issue) and act like the discussion really never happened. The issues range from her careless driving to change in job to sending our daughter to class. The list is endless. Initially I used to get annoyed for these individual things. Then I realized the trend. She just acts on her own will - she discusses things with me - we agree on a certain decision - she still follows the old method. I am throwing a fit of rage these days even for small issues because I see the trend and everything else comes to my mind. I'll explain a bit more on the issues.

    Driving : Let's all agree driving is not really a natural skill for women as much for men. No stereotyping - just a fact even if there are exceptions. But women mitigate that with slow and careful driving for most parts. What I've in my hand is not in that group. She drives aggressive, too fast for the condition and really scares me. I mean I am really scared that she might end up in a jail killing someone here. Honestly she doesn't have enough driving skills - I need to reverse the car for her if it's in a tight spot; can't drive into garage; doesn't have an idea about cornering. All she knows is accelerating and braking. Whenever I try to fix her, her retort is her friends say she's a good driver. Yeah - that's because her friends don't drive and will not be really affected if she lands in a jail. So as usual we discussed this : I went from angry confrontation to begging her mercy that daughter and I need her in the life and don't want her to end up in an accident. She agreed she is driving fast and promised will slow down. Never did she.. Hit a car from behind. Luckily no injuries to both parties ; but continues to drive stupid.

    The job change : Last year she got a promotion in the job and also her bosses changed. So she had to be at office from 8 till 5 everyday. Add 2 hours of commute. So effectively she's gone from 7 to 7. Comes back as a lifeless body. Cook (either one, though she insists she cooks) eat and sleep. Repeat. Add our daughter's karate class and peer pressure induced maths coaching class to the mix. I just don't live with her at all. I work close by. I come back from office early and wait for her. She comes back tired and there is no romance in sex life. I feel guilty even to ask her out most times. She never says no - but again I don't ask as much as I want to. So again, we discussed : explained her job is wreaking havoc in personal lives. She agreed to find a local job. This was six months back with follow ups 3 months and a month earlier. I was really fed up and asked her to show emails where she applied. She had none. She didn't apply for any job in the last 6 months. Do you see the trend?

    Same with daughters maths class, not texting/talking to this male single colleague post office hours (desi and desperate; obviously she doesn't see it), joining a gym, the list goes on. Other than this one trend she's amazing. Showers love and trustworthy. She doesn't/ can't lie. How can I help this relationship. I am really worried that I will start hating her.
     
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  2. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you have an attitude problem. From where did you get that women do not drive as well as men? Your wife may need more practice but you cannot make generalizations like that.


    Why are you sitting and waiting for her if she has longer days? Then it is your job to do the cooking and taking the kid to the classes. Maybe she likes her current job and do not want to switch. Or it is not so easy to get a job closer.
     
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  3. Luvmywife

    Luvmywife New IL'ite

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    Thank you for replying. I don't want to hijack the thread on a tangent. Please. I in fact wanted to put a disclaimer - men have better navigational skills. Women have better linguistic skills. Blacks run faster. Whites swim better. These may be stereotypical.. but these are facts backed by science. I am not proud or feel better quoting those. There can be exceptions, you can be a better driver than me - but overall that's that. May be I should delete that line to get more attention to the original issue.

    It's not about practice. She's been driving for 5 years now. But still refuse to slow down in the apartment complex, department store parking lot and texts when driving. In short careless.

    It may not be easy, like you have mentioned about the job hunt. But if she at least applies for jobs, that makes sense. I've been sending her links now and then. She agrees she needs to apply for job everytime I remind. I didn't think about the fact may be she likes the current job more. She says no such thing when asked. But may be she does and not tell me.
     
  4. Luvmywife

    Luvmywife New IL'ite

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    Also yeah.. I've been taking the kids to classes everytime and cook whenever possible. I don't have an issue. But I don't want my life to be in this routine and want better family time.
     
  5. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    The problem for you is your wife is not able to keep her part of all agreements you two decide and she does what she wants at the end .Are you sure its a discussion bet you two or just your side of the views are aired and made to conclude as the final agreement?

    You want your wife to change her job and had a discussion which you think came to the conclusion that she needs job change.As she had not applied to a single job in spite of you sending links ,its obvious that she didnt want to change her job.So what kind of one sided discussion you had with her where she is not even able to tell her liking for her present job?

    Hope you had read about back seat driving too? your wife is not able to park her car even in your absence or its just when you are present ?she avoids parking her car in the garage because you always find fault with the way she parks ? she thinks its better to allow you to park the car than to listen to your instruction and do that under your microscopic observation?.Once i had the opportunity to be dropped by my cousins husband .I was rather not able to associate him with the rash inefficient driving skills my cousin complains about . When i asked him about it ,his reply was that his wife give non-stop instructions from back seat .....as you stayed calm i was able to do relaxed driving.She is driving the car for 5 years with no major accident ,but you still think that she is a careless rash driver?...................now she had bumped into a car from behind you fear that she is going to be involved in a major accident landing herself in jail/hospital leaving you & dd.

    Your dds maths class is a waste you say ,but your wife may have opted for maths coaching as a strong basics in maths helps the kid for life.You are bothered by that class as you get the responsibility to drop & pick her up?.....instead of arguing with you she simply tells you that dd attends like all the other kids in your immediate circle.If you have a problem to drop and pick the kid ,be open with it to arrive at a middle path like opting for online maths classes.

    There is a space called personal in your wifes life too ..............you could give some suggestions .....and need to let her decide for herself .......like the friendship she keeps or her exercise routine.Its not wrong on your part to advise her for her wellness ,but its not fair to insist that she follows what you think is good for her.

    From your post ,you come across as a big nag with plenty of gender bias and unreasonableness. Your wife is effectively managing you by not openly arguing/fighting with you as she doesnt see any use in doing that( you seem to not see anything not fitting your POV) .........and follow only changes she thinks as necessary& doable.She asks you to park the car to avoid unpleasant argument with you everyday as you feel she doesnt have the skill and critize however she does it ..........thats a smart peaceful way to let you have your POV .As she is okay with you otherwise she wants to ignore your nagging and generally tries to make peace.

    One last question ...that new boss, is the same single man you want your wife to avoid spending time with, after office hours ?..........being home at 7 combining your ability to arrive early for the kid is not a bad timing for a working woman.Unless you are going to be frank with your personal views of the matters that bothers you and willing to genuinely listen to her POV also with open mind .........its no use to discuss.

    You could find some of my POV offending ,but you had come to this womens forum to know our point of view to improve matters.
     
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  6. Luvmywife

    Luvmywife New IL'ite

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    I understand being a women's forum, benefit of the doubt is always with my wife and I am labeled as nag and with attitude problem. That's fine. Because I wanted to hear from ladies. Her driving errors are not just limited to the rear ending I posted above. It was all laughs and giggles when she reversed into a cop car and ran back home into kitchen, side swiped both the doors of the car against a pole or hit the accelerator instead of brakes to hit my parked car. But it's not funny anymore. We lost a friend in a crash 2 years back which was completely avoidable. So my fear is not misplaced nor am I paranoid. Every incident will give her 2 weeks of good driving. But again back to square one. As I mentioned earlier, this post is not to find out if she's a good driver. Please ignore the driving part if you want.

    Maths class : it doesn't matter who drives the daughter to class. We end up losing 2 hours of family time on a weekday. My daughter doesn't need help in maths. She's doing great in her class. It's a fad these days to get a coaching class for everything. I want her to have a regular childhood instead of class hopping.

    No, the boss and the guy are different persons. Do I suspect my wife - hell, no. But she continues to speak to him because she can't say NO to anyone. That's a whole different topic altogether. Saying NO when you don't want.
     
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  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Maybe the only thing concerning is the driving part especially if she is a rash driver. Just stop commenting on it for a while and see what happens. She may change on her own accord. Maybe if another person points it out to her, she switches into a denial and resistance mode.

    Rest is regular life frictions and gaps we all experience with spouses, parents, siblings, etc. It is just her type, let it be and let her have her space. Everyone learns and changes at their own pace and even the job part she will cut down, slow down or resign on her own terms when she feels like that.

    She seems to be an independent person who likes to make decisions alone and on her own terms. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are not MAJOR. Now what is major is relative and varies family to family and is also related to our tolerance levels.

    I cannot tell you what you must do in your situation but perhaps letting go a bit, accepting it is what it is, no point "pushing and forcing a change" and being content with the positives may give you more peace of mind. Otherwise, she may start getting fed up with you and not the other way around.
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op just like everyone your wife is going to have flaws just learn to accept.Learn to let go.

    On other side be firm on things which are serious.Driving is serious matter.Can you convince her for some driving training program or something like that.Sometime people take third party more seriously.

    About job change you take initiate.Send her biodata to nearby companies.If her current job i demanding ,may be changing job has fallen on last in the priority list since she has to manage home kids ,their time table etc.

    Some people do not know how to give their partner undivided attention.What you can do is go for short distance walk after diner ,on weekends early morning.When women is at home ,job,kid,cooking everything keep running in their head continuously.She will be there in front of you physically but not present in to the moment.so take her out in completely different scene.

    If you are too scare to ask for sex in the night,make is habit of doing early in the morning.morning. Thats a great way to start a day.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    1. "Driving is not really a natural skill for women as much for men"
    Nothing wrong with such opinion, and sharing it. I concur with the opinion too. :)

    2. Nodding head in discussion, but doing what one really wants - a standard modus operandi in marital discussions when one party does not want a certain change, but has no solid reason.

    3. Changing job - inertia of rest. The commute was not a surprise after joining the job.

    What you've described is the state of affairs in many marriages with a kid and both working.

    If you want spouse to change a particular thing, and spouse agrees that is a desirable change, there has to be a definite time until which you are waiting for that,and after that something tangible should happen.

    Stop the maths coaching class. Outsource as much of cooking as possible. Maths class can resume when mom does not have to be out of the house for 12 hours. Cooking, which she prefers to do, can also be done more at home, when she has more reasonable working hours.

    If she protests the math class stopping, or insists on cooking happening at home only, say that can happen after she's in a more relaxed job.

    Fair disclosure: I belong to the (old?) school of thought that mom has to be home early enough to spend quality time with the kid. Quality as in not dead tired, snapping, and trying to get other household chores done such as talking to child about school while also checking email or the day's postal mail.

    No suggestion really for the bad driving and texting colleague.
     
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  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Lets just say you are venting like everybody does here. Lets put it aside that in some points you come across as egotistic. Driving can be natural to some people and some people may struggle , men and women alike. Don't come off telling men are better drivers. My sister is an excellent driver. Whereas I don't drive at all. My dad is an excellent driver. He himself admits my sister is great at it. So you mean to say my sister cant be. Don't make judgemental statements without basis.

    You wife maybe herself struggling with her driving and wudnt want to admit it. Why don't you have an intervention with her parents regarding this when they visit.Dont backseat drive her but make her do small changes . If that doesn't work make her car pool strictly.

    Everybody does what they want inspite of discussion. Don't you do it. Ultimately after a discussion you come to conclusion and do what you want. Maybe your wife is stubborn and does what she wants. In that situation you can avoid having a discussion in the first place. Do it at a stretch for 4-5 times. Later she may come to you herself to help her decide. Then she will heed and do the logical thing.

    When my husband was b/n jobs , I helped him in his job search. If you work so close and are home soon why don't you help her in job search. There is no rule that she has to do it . All my husband did was take interviews. I negotiated everything from applying to salary structure and benefits. Who will benefit from all this? The entire family. Your daughter will have mommy time. You will have wife time. Everything will work out.


    Also one suggestion wud be your daughter needs to be a kid when she is a kid. Not a machine who will later mint money being smart. If she is good at math, she doesn't need classes for that. Instead take her swimming with you in your community pool, take her fishing. Do routine things. That will be daddy time for her.Enroll her in father daughter cooking class . Something which takes her mind off studies and relaxes her mind and brain to absorb knowledge not resent it.

    Just becoz this is a ladies forum, doesn't make it biased to women. Some people do give neutral suggestions. Good Luck.
     

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