I am new to the forum though I have been reading it on and off. It is in someway comforting that I am not alone but also sad at the state of Indian women's status as a whole. As a mother of two daughters, I hope their lives will be much better respected. I have been married for 20 years now, arranged marriage. Have two teens. My parents, especially mom went out of their way to get me educated and get me the best alliance they could afford. As a result of my wedding expenses, and my father's losses, they lost everything immediately after my wedding. During that time, my inlaws constantly poured lot of negative thoughts about my parents to my husband and he literally hates my mom. I couldn't do much through their sufferings, although I did help my brother settle. He being naturally smart and having gone through all this, did good and in fact much better position than us and taking care of my parents. So all is well on that front. But as a result of all this, my husband hates my parents that they humiliated them in front of their relatives. My side of the family doesn't think very highly of him either, they say he is so much into his parents. We sailed through the last 20 years with several rough patches. I tried to be extra nice with my inlaws, sil, bil and their side of extended family. Most of the dil's in the family don't even attend group events, or even if they come they don't talk at all. But tried to go over and beyond, maybe to compensate for what my family did. But definitely, I fall short of their expectations. Recently my FIL fell ill, and it kind of triggered this hatred towards me from my husband. He snapped at me first that I don't care about them and all, asked bil to sell something we bought without my knowledge and has been talking regularly to his parents where they are emotionally blackmailing like what have you done to us and some dil's leave their jobs and come and take care of in-laws, etc. He also has been sharing with his parents what we talked in our home during our angry exchanges and how much I dislike them. This has created a big wedge between us. Last week after series of angry exchanges usually him blaming me and being sarcastic, usually through texts, I said enough is enough. If you care for the marriage, let's talk or go to counselor. After that he completely stopped talking. He uses the guest bedroom in the house and we literally spend time on different floors as long as he is in the house. He doesn't want to go counselor as he thinks anyone in this country is not going to side with him. My typical workday is like 5 AM to 12 midnight. With kids in higher grades, it is very hectic and am very determined, whatever we go through should not impact them as these are very critical years for them. On the other hand, he has all the time because he doesn't involve as much with kid's education, finances and works through the week in a different city. Please advise. I feel I can't trust this person, love him anymore when our relationship is not over his parents and my parents even after so many years. When are we going to live for ourselves and love each other for what we are?
Lavi, After 20 years of this, sorry to say, but he wont change all that much. And regarding he telling his parents "how much you dislike them (inlaws)", have you told a lot of angry things abt his parents to him? If so, that's a costly mistake, never rant abt his parents to him, it only breaks the relationship between the two of you. (But too late if that's already done). I think try to maintain peace for sake of kids, and build your own interests and hobbies. At this point, I dont see him change much after 20 years. (not to be gloomy, but realistically I dont see it).
Based on some recent and older threads, looks like, over the years lots of incidents, misunderstandings, etc happen in a marriage. All parties - the man, woman, each set of parents, siblings, contribute in some form or other. Things don't get resolved, but routine of life and its requirements such as kids, school, job... keep pushing the marriage buggy along. Then, some big event, usually like a parent falling sick, triggers memories and either the man or woman goes ballistic and behaves unpredictably, and brings up past that spouse thought was forgotten/forgiven/resolved/buried-as-is/finished. OP, with your busy life and teen kids, you don't have time or patience to drag an unbelieving spouse to counseling. "When are we going to live for ourselves and accept each other for what we are?" When you drop off second kid to college. When you are 55. When U.S. has had a black woman President. Point is - be practical. 'Loving marriage..accept each other, etc etc' are nice. Ideal. Reality is you have two teen kids, are the parent in-charge of their education and activities, and have a busy life from 5 AM to midnight. Focus. i) at a relatively calm moment bring up the thing that husband without your knowledge asked his brother to sell. With minimal emotion, tell him to not repeat that, and in future any major transactions have to be discussed by both of you. Tell that calmly, in minimal words. Then go away, preferably out of the house. ii) Work and teen kids - enough to keep you busy. Let the unhappy marriage part rest for now. Get him involved in big decisions related to kids. Keep him informed. Small successes at work, and small achievements/milestones of kids - can these provide some solace and satisfaction? Make them. Avoid negativity and anger in texts. Texts stay on. Can be read by unintended audience, and re-re-re-read by intended recipient.
Dear Lavi, Everything that Rihana has mentioned above are golden. I also feel strongly that for most families that have started abroad (i mean to say those who have set up their home abroad - out of india) the feeling of my respective family is really great, is too strong that its blinding. Somewhere along the way the importance for the nuclear family, who, at the end of the day, are the ones that are supporting each other day in and day out is lost. The romance of the land and family left behind continues to linger and meddle in the everday lives. While the land and the family have moved on, we tend to be stuck where we left it and cant seem to move on. Until the me and mine from both spouses goes, the we and ours is not possible. Our extended families, be it our own parents and siblings can only do so much and only during diehard emergencies. But there are also everyday battles, which has to be faced by only the husband and the wife and the children. Others who are sitting away can say you could have done this or that or the other. But finally, commonsense has to prevail. The extended family can only make judgements on what they hear in the context of their experience and more often than not are quick to pass judgements that more often than not are irrelevant and inappropriate and rather than sort the situation only make it worse (which seems to be the case here). And there is an element of vested interests at play here too. Rise above it all. Make the change from your end. Start moving towards ours and have a heart-to-heart with your husband once the situation cools down. But, at the moment, its very essential to maintain peace in the house as the people who suffer the most in such situations are the children. Big hugs to you. And remember, always, this too shall pass. Minions like us walk and rule the earth which was once the kingdom of the mighty dinosaurs. Cheer up and Chin up. XX J
Thanks Ladies. That was very soothing and brought tears into eyes. No, I have never texted anything bad about his relatives. I only said anything negative about them when he abuses me verbally about what kind of family mine is. Otherwise, I don't ever bring them in any topic, and it gets to him that I behave as though they are non-existent. But whenever I do, he doubts my intentions, so I have no choice. My text was to explain how hurt was with what he did. He and his family don't believe dil's need to be informed about any major decisions in the home. My MIL is confined to kitchen and has no voice. So, he gets back to me saying you are creating drama for nothing, and you are not going to tell me what to do and what not. Yes, I don't believe the situation will change in the near future. Fortunately for me, I have my kids and will wait till he turns around. I am sure, all these men would need their wives and children when they grow old and needed to be taken care of.
If your husband was even 20% good/fair to you and your kids then you should let go of this incident and tell him explicitly that you forgive his secretive action only once and **only because** he is under stress with his father not keeping well. May be even apologise once for losing your cool. Tell him that you support his duty to take care of his parents to the best of his ability. Ignore his parents comments and unreasonable demands of you leaving your job. Support him during this stressful time. Encourage him to take a short break and go and visit his sick father. Tell him that you will take care of kids and your home here. Tell him to make arrangements for care and finances in India before coming back. Hopefully your support and concern for his father will put back the trust between you and him.
A small update from my side. Yesterday night did have a conversation with dh, initiated by me as I believe he will never do it however long it is. It is mainly ego even though he is clearly missing the family life. Meanwhile, his family is trying to cause a bigger divide. I don't think we can wipe the slate clean or anyone is going to change. It is just this realization that at this point of life, parents if they want to can have lot of influence on sons as they are old and want their sons close by. Even though they know very well it is the circumstances, dil becomes the scapegoat and easier target for their woes. Constant comparison between dil's doesn't help too. It will take long time to reestablish the connection even between us but atleast we can sit at the same table, stay in the same room without avoiding each other and definitely lowering the expectations from each other. Well atleast until the next episode...
How beautifully you write Rihana. I am a long time lurker and secret admirer of your enormous wisdom.
