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Confuesd..Really need advise to stay or to move on

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Life84, Oct 2, 2015.

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  1. Oct 2, 2015 #1
    Life84

    Life84 New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    I am here after a long time.I am really very confused about my married life.Would really appreciate your valuable advise.Sorry for the long post .

    Just to give you an idea of my past.I got married two and half years ago.It was a love marriage and long distance relationship while in love.We did get married in temple and registered marriage because my husband said his family didn`t get agree for our marriage.But after our marriage I got to know everything was lie.I know I was naïve enough to trust him.His parents contacted me and now we don`t have any issue with his family.You can check my previous post to have a better idea

    We started living together since last July because of my work issue.Last July(2014)I joined him here in USA.Because of his previous lies ,I somehow lost trust in him.He is a very good husband otherwise.He pampers me,cares for me,sometimes cooks food,hang out with me,apart from the office ours,he stays with me.I am not working at this moment.


    But what bothers me is he does not update his marital status or my pictures in facebook.HE doesn`t add me on facebook. He doesn`t share any of his online password with me.He doesn`t share his mobile password with me.If I ask him he says these are his personal stuff.He doesn`t wanna see my stuffs.Why do I want to see his? Although now a days I sometimes check his mobile as I saw the password one day.There is nothing suspicious in the mobile.But he never keep his facebook open in mobile.

    He did not share his financial details also with me until last month.He added me in his bank account and made me a joint account holder.

    Now my problem is I am not yet sure if I can live my whole life with him as I lost trust in him.I told him to keep everything open and help me to gain the trust again.But he says he didn`t do anything wrong.I really want to trust him,but I don`t know how to do that when he hides all these things from me.I believe in transparency in marriage.

    I am already 32 years old.My parents has started pushing me for kids,even I wanna have kids,but I am scared about having kids in this marriage.I feel this is not a healthy marriage and kids will suffer.

    I will start working soon and as soon as I start working I want to make a decision to settle in this marriage or to move on.I somehow still love him and want to be with him when I see his loving nature ,but I can`t accept his nature of keeping things hidden from me.He does help me financially.I am happy otherwise,but his nature of hiding mobile,emails,facebook from me makes me think twice before making a decision to stay with him or leave him.

    Please advise what do you think?
     
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    #1
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  2. Oct 2, 2015 #2
    StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    I read your previous posts too.

    You mentioned u had marriage in temple. Why don't u do a reception or celebrate ur marriage anniversary grand way and invite all his frinds and family.

    Facebook - u can add all his friends that u see on his friends list and u can add and tag him in ur photos.
    Some men have habit of chatting with girls so they keep status as single . I know many of my colleagues who keep their status as single in facebook. And they keep their pics also kids but never keep wife pics on. FB.

    I understand ur concerns COz in past he was in relationships with u and other girl. Even now he might be making other friends . Might not be serious and just friends or may be.

    I would say, do some real spying on him. Try the computer programs which record, I heard now a days parents buying them to watch on teenage kids. So buy those and get into the real details. Or buy nanny cMera is secret cameras to see if he brings any women I'm ur absence.

    If he is just being friends with girls then u can withdraw the divorce idea and work on getting him rid of that by saying u dobt like him being flirty etc with girls.
    But if he is trying to have affairs with women then u should.move on.

    But without knowing what exactly he doing, don't take hasty decisions.



     
    StrongLady, Oct 2, 2015
    StrongLady, Oct 2, 2015
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  3. Oct 2, 2015 #3
    catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    In my opinion, you must give him his own space. It is essential in any married life.

    Sharing of passwords, FB accounts , bank details etc are dependent on each individual.
    Don't expect it as a ''standard package''. It doesn't mean that he wants to hide everything from you. That is his personal space. He may be comfortable in this way.

    At the moment, he treats you well, you have no issues with the IL's etc. So do not create any unpleasant situation and spoil the peace of mind. Foundation of married life is trust and tolerance. You need to build it by open communication and unconditional love. There is nothing wrong in meeting a marriage counselor to clear the doubts if open communication doesn't work.

    It could also be possible that he was afraid of loosing you, if you come across his relationship with some other girl. But he wanted to marry you. That is the positive
    point here. He is happy and content now.

    Be independent. Take your own time to settle down. Having kids before settling down may complicate everything.
     
    catwalk, Oct 2, 2015
    catwalk, Oct 2, 2015
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  4. Oct 2, 2015 #4
    guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    There is no reason to doubt your husband now. You are trying to be controlling. That isn't healthy for your marriage. He wants space clearly. And you do need to give it to him. Incessantly trying to spy on him is going to make him go off your marriage.

    I'm married foe a decade and a half and i still don't know any of his passwords. I don't like ruffling through his draws or opening his post. If your trust issues consume you so much, you might want to consider getting help because these insecurities are going to plague you in any other relationship you might get into

    PS. I did read your other posts. Unless you let bygones be bygones, and start afresh, it will be difficult for you to move forward.
     
    guesshoo, Oct 2, 2015
    guesshoo, Oct 2, 2015
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  5. Oct 2, 2015 #5
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Send him a friend request.Then post pictures of you two on his wall.

    As for cheating.He doesn't need face book for that.If he has to ,he will.
    With his past,he should be going out of his way to gain your trust.
     
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
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  6. Oct 2, 2015 #6
    twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    dear op, i dont think u need spying and all. and if you do all that stuff to know is he clean or not..let me tell u, u will make things more complicated.
    if you have to do so many procedures to know his honesty what is this relation and where will it lead in future.
    i feel u just relax. as guesswho said, even after 8 yrs of marriage i also dont have password of my husband. neither i bother to ask him. initially after marriage i also has same doubt upon my hubby (as misguided by my friends) but belive me whenever i checked his phone email id and questioned him there were fights n misunderstanding.
    then i realised that he is really good husband and all this things make more mess.
    even i have so many male friends on fb and chat. but unless nad until we know our limits all is ok.
    just give some time and think positive.
    but did u met his parents or just on phone??
     
    twinklingstar, Oct 2, 2015
    twinklingstar, Oct 2, 2015
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  7. Oct 2, 2015 #7
    Life84

    Life84 New IL'ite

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    Thanks StrongLady for your valuable advise.

    I know he is not doing anything bad right now.May be catting with few girls in Facebook.But not more than that.I cant put any software n his laptop.He is too smart with technology.I am just concern about my future with him.I need that assurance that he keeps everything open to me .I don`t want to keep any room for any doubt.

    In his online life,I don`t even exist which bothers me a lot and this hurt my self respect.I was in his facebook friend list before.Then also if I tag him in any pic,he doesn`t allow them appear in his timeline.He protects himself and is very secretive.
    Considering his previous lies and cheats,my mind doesn`t allow me to accept all these and move on with him....
     
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
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    1 person likes this.
  8. Oct 2, 2015 #8
    Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a point. I don't think I would be comfortable with such a setup. Forget virtual life for now. Do you have a joint social life? Have you met his friends, colleagues? Has he introduced you to people in his real life aside from his immediate family? Have you interacted with relatives etc?
     
    Gauri03, Oct 2, 2015
    Gauri03, Oct 2, 2015
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  9. Oct 2, 2015 #9
    Life84

    Life84 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Catwalk.I appreciate your advise.

    I will think about kids only after started working.I do have a job in India.I am on leave and applied for H1B this year.Hope to get the work permit soon.

    You know I am having battle in my mind all the time since I got married.I never doubted him before marriage.I trusted him blindly.But after marriage I gotto know he lied cheated on me for so many years.So now I really need him to help me to get that trust back by keeping everything open.But he doesn`t.He is married and everyone should know that.His appearance in facebook as single bothers me a lot.All my frineds,family are so much open to their spouse about almost everything.

    And as I am getting older,I am more tesed.because I know my biological clock is ticking and I love kids,but I think if I have kids without settling the issue between us,it will be very complicated later on.

     
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
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  10. Oct 2, 2015 #10
    Life84

    Life84 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Guesshoo.

    I guess you are right.As I told you,I do have my own reason to doubt on him.But I really want to trust him,I am not able to considering all the lies he made and still not being opening to me.

    I am very expressive and I have told him many times that I want to start afresh.But you got to help me on this.He is not atall comfortable in sharing details with me.I would have been okay with this if he had given his marital status in facebook .Who in this earth hides his married life in social network?

    His past acts clouds my judgment. I know he loves me,but he loves me at his conditions.He won`t compromise a bit.I am trying to accept these things but deep in my heart,I cant accept.If I am normal for a month,next moth I again worry about this.I feel sad.

     
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    Life84, Oct 2, 2015
    #10
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