Under severe mental stress...please help

gjyothi83 · Sep 4, 2015

Dear IL members,

I have been a silent reader of this forum over the past few years. I am not able to discuss this problem with anyone I know, so please share your valuable guidance and advice. Sorry for the long post. To give a brief background of myself, I'm 32 year old female married for past 3 years and currently living in USA after marriage. During the first year of marriage, I went through hell as my husband did not accept me and wanted to separate by asking me to return to india. The reason he gave was that I'm too thin. After struggling for around one and half years, this issue got sorted out and he accepted me. By nature my husband is good and he does not have any bad habits. We did not have any physical relation from day 1 of marriage. I kept thinking that once he accepts me this problem will be solved.

After one and half to two years, he made attempts to come close to me. But just when I thought that I will have normal married life, I realised that he has ED and could not perform. He refused to come to doctor and said that he does not want kids. He said that earlier he did not have this issue. I was depressed but kept hoping for this issue to be solved. I slowly accepted this life. I did not inform either of our parents about this issue. My husband does not talk to his parents after the marriage. He only talks to his sister in usa. Now even after three years even though he comes close to me he has not been able to consummate our marriage.

Recently my mother has started pressurising me for kids. It seems even my mil told my mom to ask me to do Shashti fasting for kids. As far as I can remember, I have only seen my parents struggling with problems throughout their life. The only thing that my parents want is for me to be happy. My mom had also got stroke during the first year of my marriage, after seeing me suffer post marriage. I am not able to tell my parents about this issue as I don't want to add to their problems and I don't know how they will take it. I have not visited India after coming to USA post marriage. Sometimes I feel that the only solution to this is for me to end my life.

I have accepted my present life and am planning to look for job in USA. But am not able to take pressure for kids nor can I tell them about the issue. Please give your valuable insights on how to handle this.
I request the senior members like Yellow mango and SGBV to also reply.

Thanks.

Rihana · Sep 4, 2015

I saw it is first post by a member and thought it must be a troll kind of post. Join date shows 2012. Sorry to read what you have described. Hope some good suggestions pour in. Glad you decided to share your situation.

vaidehi71 · Sep 4, 2015

Sorry to hear your situation.
A lot of answers lie in what you want? Do you like your dh and do you want to continue with this relationship? If the answer is to continue with this relationship then I advice you to seek medical attention.
Then why do think of ending life. Life is precious and to end it for such reasons like dh having ED is unwarranted. That is not going to be solution. It is going to add more stress to your parents. Have you thought about it.

ChennaiExpress · Sep 4, 2015

Do you love this person?

Are you in love with this person?

All you can do is pray that God brings about positive changes in your marriage.

@yellowmango once advised someone that job is the real life partner, and once you get good at that, everything falls into place, including happy married life.

Because you get such a deep confidence in yourself, that others around you sense this confidence, hence they back off, i.e. no baby pressure

Gauri03 · Sep 4, 2015

If there is talk of children from his family you can politely direct their questions to him. As to your own family, you could put them off by telling them that you are working on it, and will let them know if and when there is anything to tell. Or tell them that you are focused on setting up your career for the moment and babies will come after that. Also mention that their repeated questioning increases your anxiety and doesn't really help.

Your husband's ED is the core issue which unfortunately doesn't have a simple solution. Unless he is willing to get medical help there is realistically no hope that he will ever get better. ED is a very complex condition that can result from many different health issues. Without a complete blood and hormone panel diagnosis of the underlying cause is not possible. Even when the medical cause is known and being treated, many patients do not see 100% improvement without psychological counselling. Performance anxiety is a serious problem which leads to a vicious cycle of performance failure and increased anxiety that can defeat the benefits of even the most targeted medication. In short, unless your husband commits to seeking every avenue of help, you will likely not see a change in your situation.

The only options before you are convincing your husband to seek professional help, or steeling yourself to face a future without him. If he is unwilling to do anything to treat his condition, you might not have much of a choice. Maybe the thought of losing you will prompt him to stop ignoring the problem.

If you do choose to try and make him get help, you will have to approach the issue with great sensitivity and empathy. ED strikes at the very core of a man's sense of self. It emasculates him, depriving him of his identity as a man. It is understandable if he is skittish talking about the subject or chooses to remain in denial. However, open communication is imperative. He might brush you off initially, especially if he is embarrassed, but it will be necessary to keep bringing up the subject until he is willing to listen.

While talking to him keep your needs and feelings out of it. Instead, emphasize the medical aspect of it. Suggest that if he didn't have this problem before he married you, then it might have been brought about by some recent health condition. A complete health checkup might reveal something treatable. For example, a common hormonal cause of ED is excess prolactin which inhibits the production of testosterone. This condition is more common than you would believe and the treatment is a very tiny pill taken twice a week. Hypothyroidism and diabetes are other common culprits. Even in cases of truly untreatable ED, drugs like Viagra and Cialis have excellent records of success. Your husband's GP will prescribe it after some routine workups.

Do some research on the subject and discuss it with him. Be supportive and be kind. If he is not amenable to a talk, walk away and bring it up again at a better time. Remember keep the focus on solving his problem, not on fulfilling your expectations from him. This probably sounds overly self-sacrificing and to some extent it is, the choice of going down this route is always yours. If you'd rather move on with life, you have the right the do so without any judgment from anyone. Do keep in mind that if at any point these discussions become acrimonious or you feel uncomfortable, especially regarding your own well-being, stop right away. Put your safety first.

With or without your husband you are a valuable human being. You matter. Marriage and children add meaning to life, but so do career, hobbies, family and friends. An unsuccessful marriage is not an evaluation of you as a person. The absence of a spouse or children while painful doesn't diminish you. It doesn't define you. Giving up your life for it is an irrational response that you must question, contradict and defy in every way.

Lavanya30 · Sep 4, 2015

Hi OP,

Marriage is bond which made of partner's love towards each other. I donot see a point that only you love him and he doesn't. The reason he was avoiding you is that he has a problem and to cover it up he blames you to be thin etc etc., which is not a good sign.

It is his male ego which is preventing him from seeking a medical attention, if he really loves you and wants to work out this marriage he should get treated and I think he also needs counselling. I agree you do not want to hurt your parents, but think about it, how hurt would they be when they will come to know that you are not leading a normal married life. Let's forget about kids for sometime, you need to have life for yourself.

Instead of thoughts of ending up your life, I will suggest please stand up for yourself, ask him to address his issue., if he is unwilling then you decide if you want to continue with this marriage. Like others said become financially independent and lead your life. Trust God I am sure He has better plans for you.

happygirl22 · Sep 4, 2015

I'll let the others give you advice. I'll just say one thing to you - an observation.

If you keep putting off things, it will all stay inside and kill you within.

I agree with you on keeping your parents worry-free, but what are you achieving at the cost of this?

Won't they anyway know if you chose to get a job, move out from him?

I suggest you stand up, address the issue as it is, discuss it in medical terms with your people and get done with what needs to be be. It is always a reason - old parents, husband's ego, someone's health etc.

The reason you are getting to ends like ending your life is because you are not able to see the options around you. Take a paper, write down the best and worst possible outcomes to a situation and then take a calm decision.

Also a side note - someone being thin is no reason to not separate. Does he have any other issue to not work on this marriage? A previous love affair, may be?

yellowmango · Sep 4, 2015

Firstly Op...think about what your parents will feel about you thinking about taking your life. Value yourself more.You are precious.

About the issue...GauriO3 has given all the information you need to come to a decision.
Hope things work for you Op.Your battle is to convince your husband to help for this problem.

If he doesn't,then you have to decide if he cares enough to be in this marriage.The decision making should be easy here.

If he does but still there is no improvement,then you have to decide if he as a person is enough to live with.If he is the one you want to be...then there are other ways of being sexually satisfied.May not be the same ,but it may work. As for kids,if he has good sperms ,there are others ways to get pregnant.

You need to first make him understand that it is not just his problem ,it is your problem as a couple and you both should work on it.Tell him you want him too to have a complete life.

You also need to tell him that his problem will not go away if he tries to make you feel inferior about yourself.

From your post,it does look like he wants to be close to you but is helpless. He probably wants the relationship to work too. Try to get him to understand,but don't let him disrespect you or make you feel inferior.

Most importantly,work towards getting a job. You need to have a life other than this too. Your life and happiness should not depend on this alone .
Best Wishes to you Op.