Issue in marriage

bahv · Aug 11, 2015

I got married on Nov 2014. It was truly arranged marriage. I'm a software Engineer. I was working in Bangalore. My husband was working in Chennai. Two months i was in Bangalore since my transfer got delayed. Every weekend i used to come to chennai. My husband used to go to office on Saturdays so i used to spend my time with my in-laws and Sunday with all family members we used to go out. It continued.

Even for January first we all together went for outing. I told him even for honeymoon we went with friends all weekends we spend with family i feel we need some private time. He refused and said its joint family more over he is attached to his sisters and parents so should go with them.

In January end we went for his cousin marriage there he entered the room while his younger sister(she is married and has a kid) was draping the saree. I was shocked but i didn't tell anything since my mother-in-law went and called him to search something from our bag. Then while going his sister asked him to help her in pinging the saree. I couldn't tolerate this. I told him to go out since she is changing the dress. He didn't listen. Everyone started convincing me. Still i couldn't digest that.. I fought with him for five days..cried,argued told him that my heart broke that second.

10 days he called me and said his sisters kid is not feeling well she called him to take her to hospital . I said ok.. Then same day she called him at 11:30 pm . He didnt pick the call since it was in silent mode, next day when i saw her call again we fought he dropped me in the office and didn't speak to me. Later i tested him whether he is going to come and pick me up or should i go by cab. He said he will come at 7 pm. But it was 7:45 pm he didn't come. I called to his number he picked and said he is in meeting. I was totally frustrated each time i beg him to spend time but he is least bothered that too that day was our third month anniversary. So i texted him harsly saying you are womanizer. I suspect you and your sister relationship you always give importance to her.I will start to my hometown.. Better stay with her blah..blah..(in anger but not intentional). and till 10:30 pm i didnt pick his call. Later i got scared and told him that i'm waiting in one bus stand almost 10 kms from my office. He came and we both went home. There parents ,sisters, Brother-in-laws other relatives everyone came home next day called my sister and brother-n-law(since my mom is too old and my father passed away when i was 10 years old) and told to take me with them for a week or so since they were hurt by my behavior and messages..

Its been almost 7 months now. Still they are not allowing me to their house. Not picking my calls. Don't know whats happening. I need your help on this.
In a nut shell i lived with him for just one month...

Ragini25 · Aug 11, 2015

You had some misgivings yes, but one doesnt waltz in and accuse a bro and sis of incestuous relationship. That was wrong, and thats why you are not let in to his house.

shari2003 · Aug 11, 2015

Asking your husband to spend time with you is fair enough, but, because of your possessive nature you went overboard and spoke not-so-pleasant things about him and your SIL. That was wrong, and nobody would bear such accusations.
Also, be a little more patient.
You need to be a little more mature, more because he seems to be quite attached to his parents and sisters, and it would take a while for the relationship with wife to take prominence.
Is there someone, probably your BIL who can be a mediator to sort things out? You could try that, but, promise yourself not to be over-possessive and make such wrong accusations.

BDivya · Aug 11, 2015

this reason even she knows.. but it all happens when h gives more priority to others than wife esp during few months of marrige.. so i think its not a issue..coz she was frustated n this was the outcome.. a sorry should work.. but y did he show all the msgs n told things to his parents/sis???he is a h n the issue is betwn them y to involve every1???
I think he s a bigger momas boy...
sorry op...
u really need to think smart n act smart..
don worry there r many ppl in IL to help u..
hugs to u..console1

Shanvy · Aug 11, 2015

@bahv that is a very serious allegation. i have nothing much to talk about nor help on this.

You can only tell them since you do not have a brother, you are not aware of brother-sister dynamics and also you said something in the heat of the moment and you did not mean it..(that is the best i can think of)

P.S. what definitely is running at the back of my mind is the innocent fun, jabbering, hugs that my son and daughter exchange..how will it be interpreted by someone who is of your mindset??:drowning

bahv · Aug 11, 2015

hi Ragini,

Yeah i agreed that since continuously he is behind his sister and the way he behaves with his elder and younger one was different i said this. I called them initially N times and said sorry. But how can they send me out for this reason when i realized my mistake.

pear · Aug 11, 2015

You had damaged your relationship with your dh beyond repair.

bahv · Aug 11, 2015

so even if he touches her, helps her in draping saree, see her all the time, i shouldnt ask him a question? Isn't it? But how long can i bear this pain? When ever they both meet he will leave me alone.. he will not even talk to me? But above all i regretted for what i did.. But still they are not allowing me..its been 7 months i'm staying in hostel in same city... Cant they forgive me.. Its not like years together i lived with them and misunderstood them.. It was just 3 months more over first two months i used to come only during weekends since my transfer got delayed. Adding to that i dont have any brother even my father passed away when i was 10 years old. So i always used to maintain distance with gents.

yellowmango · Aug 11, 2015

You are right in wanting some time with your husband.
Your husband was wrong in denying you your time as a wife.

You were horribly wrong in making those accusations.Brother sister hug,put arms around shoulders etc. This king of physical contact is absolutely fine.
His not giving you attention is due to lack of affection for you. Also he seems to be totally obsessed with his family.

His being by his sister's side when her child was unwell was absolutely right. That is what brother sisters do.Be there for each other in their time of need.

What can you do?
Call your husband and ask him to discuss your future with him . Try to sit down calmly and try to explain to him.At the same time ,tell him to respect your need or private time.

Op,your feeling about their affection for each other are not going to go away just because people at the forum tell you.You reacted this way because you feel that way.Even if you go back and your husband doesn't change his behavior towards you,nothing will change.The fights will remain,the accusations may change. You need affection and attention which your husband doesn't feel necessary to provide. He is obsessed with his family and inconsiderate to your needs and you are overly possessive ,even in times when you should not be.You both are very incompatible.

Another suggestion is to give your full attention and time to your job. Try to do really well. Your job will reward you for your time unlike your husband.In the long run,your job is your real partner.

If things continue like this...don't waste your time on this marriage. The harm is done and if things go like this beyond a year,think about permanent separation.Don't waste your life.

shari2003 · Aug 11, 2015

YM is absolutely right, OP. As I stated in the beginning, you are right and fair in wanting your spouse's time and attention, but accusing something like that even in anger is not acceptable dear.. I think he is very attached to his family and as you have stated you both have spent only very little time as man and wife.
In arranged marriages, it takes some time for the husband wife to bond with each other and understand each other well. So, you could have given in some patience.
Try talking to your husband once, do not push too much, be sorry for what you have spoken and tell clearly as to what was/ is running in your mind. You can specifically ask for private time too, and suggest counselling if he is willing to try.
If he is not in for a discussion, I think you need to seriously consider whether you want to take this forward.