feeling low and sad about marriage

bliss5 · Aug 2, 2015

Hello friends This is my first thread and i am really looking forward to your suggestions.
This is my second marriage. Earlier i used to love my husband and try to pull him towards me but all invain. He was always concerned about his parents specially his mother. Whatever she did to me, I used to tell him but he never responded. I was never happy with him. He never gave me the love which i desired. He is least romantic. He do not have any hobbies of going out for movie shopping or dinner. He do so only when his family is with him. He always cribs whenever i go with him and he is in hurry to come back. He never gives time to me or discuss anything imp with me. He believes each and every word his mother says. I repeat my things but he never shows any interests. I have lost interest in life. I always wanted to go away from his parents and live separately but NO........he is an obedient son. I have got two kids now that too I planned. At the time of second issue they wanted me to get the aborted as the gap between the two was only 2 years. I told him to get vasectomy done but he did not and i again became pregnant. This time DNC was done. Again it took an year for getting vasectomy done. whenever i felt hurt he was least bothered. I feel it us just a compromise.....there is no happiness at all however there is no physical abuse or monetary demands from his side. He want me to keep his parents happy. His dad is a very nice person but i face a lot of trouble with his mom. She says "tu jo bhi kar le wo meri hi baat sunega beta to mera hi hai hume chod ke kabhi nahi jayega"
My needs are emotional and pshycological........ I feel alone. I feel sad. My mother says he is a nice man and i should adjust. All my dreams are shattered completely that too second time. I feel I am unlucky in marriage.
We always fights and argues in front of children and everyone. I have started hating him.
He is the "shravan kumar" of his mother but where should i go?

Ragini25 · Aug 2, 2015

Decided to delete and post as separate thread later

Vasundhra · Aug 2, 2015

OP, though your situation is not ideal, relatively it is a lot better than many others we see. You got two kids and seems you are working as well. Do you have friends outside of work ? with whom you can share anything and everything. You can find the support you are seeking in a hobby that you are passionate about or going out with friends more often. Once you are happy without depending 100% on him, chances are he will come back to you. Good Luck!!!

Vasundhra · Aug 2, 2015

OP, is it 2nd marriage for your DH too ? Any idea about 1st marriage ? Your MIL is insecure.

bliss5 · Aug 3, 2015

yes MIL is an insecure woman who wants everyone around her all the time specially her son. She is famous for taking and showing great concerns for everyone and everything. She wants me to do household chores and let the maid take rest. She shows as if she is the most burdened person in the world but the fact is that being a defence officers wife, she had servants and cook etc. Now at this point of time when she has entered old age, why should she do anything. She is self centered and takes care of her beauty well. She speaks like sugar but she hurts me a lot by her taunts. I try to overhear but then there is an end of everything. I feel her son is always at her side. He either do not utter anything or will say what she says. He is a moron.

bliss5 · Aug 3, 2015

Yes I am working as primary teacher in a Govt organisation. I love my work. I can get myself transferred to some other station but i am little apprehensive about child care. My son is 4 years old and daughter will complete 2 years in coming October.

yellowmango · Aug 3, 2015

OP..Ignore your mil. There are many threads here that will give you tips on how to turn blind to an irritating mil.

Your fil is a good person. Treat him well. Do seva to him.Soon people will realize who the real problem is.

As for your husband,you cannot force a person to be romantic .The best bet is to get a good life for yourself ,be happy .Happiness attracts people. He doesn't go for movies with you,so what. Take your kids out for the latest kiddo movie. Have a fun day out with them ,eat out and come back home happy. If fil wants to join in,take him along. Don't stop having fun because your husband is a bit of a bore.Go out and have fun with the people who want to have fun.

As for mil wanting to give rest to the maid,that is very kind of her,but you need rest too and can go to your room and rest. You don't have to do the maid's job when she is getting paid for it.

Mom in law is an ex service officers wife? Probably didn't herself live in a joint family with her in laws?

As for mil taking care of herself,take it as a lesson and think of her as a teacher. Learn from her. This is the biggest favor you can do to yourself . We should all try to take care of ourselves and our looks. It makes us happier and more confident.

pear · Aug 3, 2015

Dear op,

Stop complaining about MIL to your hubby.Instead start praising her for a change to get your dh in your side......you are throwing him off you by placing him in mom-defending position.You may even sound harsh with your comments on his mom.When you want to convey a neg comment ....add some of her positives (to free him from guilt).Going off the joint family is not going to happen for you in immediate future,so dont bring it up again and again.Some men compel thier wife to adjust to thier mom as they hate to move out of the house with whole responsibilities.It does take guts to go separate.........

Your life is lot better than the ones we see in the forum.Build a life without including him for some time with friends,new hobby or kids activity.Most men tend to take thier wife for granted if we go behind them and act desperate to spend some time with them.The desperation should come from thier side.Nothing panics a man than seeing his wife having a good time excluding him.

Being calm and unaffected makes all dealings with inlaws easier.Observe your MIL and learn the art of sugar coating.Ignoring the taunts as if you dont understand is the only solution to gain your space.When she feels that her taunts are not reaching you ,either she stops taunting you or start doing it directly and getting caught.Sugar coating ones always gets away with thier taunts.

Happiness is a state of mind ......learning to find it in on own way is the solution to own it.