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should i continue with this married life ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mathi123, Aug 2, 2015.

  1. Mathi123

    Mathi123 New IL'ite

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    Hubby and me got married 6 yrs back. I was working at that time. After 3.5 yyrs we delivered 1st baby. At delivery time both family was at our house in US. Lot of fights. He asked for money from my parents for my flights, my mom's flight, for delivery and ething. But he is the one who wanted to have my deluvery in US. because we both thought we cant be away from each other. My parents denied and said my fsughter workin and we wont give anything. All hell went loose and he started to make my life miserable forever. He wont see our newborn, he wont come out of his room though we stayed in same home, and he left me alone for 2 months. But this made me to loose all my trust over him..but i still wsnted to have family life..i thought its all his parents doing and it will all be alrite once they leave.but he became totally a different person. He came back to us with list of conditions..that i should ask forgiveness from his parents(his dad earlier said i wanted my hubby only for sex, his mom said i wanted him only for money), i should stop talking to my relatives, i should not work until he says. Which i did so we can live together once again. After that he got so much anger issues...he broke his phone throwing at me, he throwed his laptop while arguing, i cant talk anything with him regarding this going on, he had no remorse for leaving me and my new born, its either his way or no way in everything, he will even simply watch tv rather spend time with our kid. All the time we had fight and he kept on saying...you are torturing me, i will die soon so u can be happy...by that time i had my brothers wedding in India..so i thought lets give us some peace to him and left to India..stayed there for 5 months. My baby got sick all the time in India...while my hubby was full busy with his new found bachelorhood and bunch of friends..always party, cinema and gym...while i was going mad in india with my sick baby at hand. I came back here and learned a vsluable lesson of not getting in his way..coz if i did so he will torture me either not calling me for days or arguing to go and stay wih his parents all the time and have petty fights and his parents driving me mad by asking.."you say you are ftom rich fsmily...why cant you to do this or that to my son, for us, etc". After i came here i stopped arguing with him gor snything..jst had his own way, no hrlp in chores, no help with kid...he just watches tv and thats it.

    Now my 1st kid is 2.6 yrs and i became prrgnant again..but still early. He wouldnt let me have fsmily planning done. But i didnt want to have another baby with him... coz he wont share the load with me at all..i had to completely take care of both kids. And for delivery his parents will be coming and i may 90% sure have to be in bedrest towards end of my delivery. ( last time his mom made my life hell...all this happened after their visit..and they always create probs between us. She said im ur mil and you are sitting in the sofa..i was in bedrest).. i was also planning to join work soon. I dont want to go India gor delivery coz my kid falls sick there often and US has better comforts for delivery thsn in India snd ahain a long break from our healing relationship.
    So i asked my hubby if he can promise ne that he wont leave me in any dituation if i wsnt to have this second baby...this lead to him dragging the old stories...and he says its no wrong he asked money for my very first flight travel, my delivery and my moms travel for delivery..he strongly believes he is right..and he became so angry and he is not talikng wiyh me gor past 5 days. Now my problem is he has so anger issues and he is so conttolling, he tortures me in all means by not talking, cursing and blackmailing me to leave the house to my parents, or he dying...my life is a mess..i for sure know i cant tske care of 2 babies by mysrlf and he always threatening me to leave, or ssying he is not peaceful n happy with me, bring his parent/go back india or dying. Now sm in a dilemma..whether i dhould continue yo live in this hell forever. Im thinking of leaving him now, get abortion and carry on with my kid alone or go through all this blackmailing and torture with one more baby. Pls advise.
     
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  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Just one question.. why educated and well versed ladies get pregnant (read second time in OPs case) in middle of a chaotic married life, extended relations and parenting???
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Leaving him is the right thing to do at this juncture. You have been bending over backwards to pleas him and he thinks he is indispensable. You move out and see whether your parents can help with child care. Your husband doesn't deserve a family with this attitude and it is downright harmful for your child to grow up in this abusive environment.

    As for the new baby, talk to a nurse / counsellor quickly about your options. It is a tough heart breaking decision but what is acceptable to you must be done... Hugs to you.
     
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  4. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Hugs to you.

    You had already decided to leave your dh?if thats the case you need to make plans immediately.An abusive parent could totally destroy a childs confidence .His anger issue seems severe ......its unimaginable to know that a father could refuse to see a new born demanding money.......he is a scum bug

    Does he Shows any sign that he needs you and your child in his life.....if not then its time to packup for you.

    He has any valid reason to believe that your parents unfairly wont give you any share in thier property and give every thing to your brother......thats what is making him feel cheated?.........but even that wont make all his cheap temper tantrums okay.

    Stay married or leave him....have another child or not ......stay there or return to India......But its wise to secure a job for yourself as the first priority.
     
  5. hopefullylucky

    hopefullylucky Junior IL'ite

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    After reading all those things you are going through, I would say its harmful for ur unborn baby as it will affect the baby badly. The present situation is also bad for your kid n ur confidence/self-respect as well. Its very surprising that a person will give priority to money rather than his new born baby. This person surely doesn't deserve to have a family life. He will ruin your future as well. Its better to take a wise decision, while u still have time. Get medical consultation regarding ur unborn baby. See if, you want it or not. Move on, you still have the capability to earn and raise a kid in a healthy environment.
     
  6. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi

    please be patient , pray to god to help you . my humble suggestion will be,

    # if ur hubby is so intrested in money, arrange for the money that he spent for you and family with a condition that his parents should not disturb you (ask them not to come to your place)

    # if he is ok to the above condition ,deliver your second baby without hesitation
    kids will always be a bridge between parents


    your husband is very calculative type ,but shown his real face very early ,[thanks god for that]. many husbands will act as they are too good (they will took our money without our knowledge) but show their real attitude when you are in need.
    we ladies should always prepare our mind for our wellbeing , should not waste our time ,knowledge ,beauty by trying to change our husband, the whole life .BE WITH HIM BUT BE YOURSELF .
     
  7. sing

    sing Silver IL'ite

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    None of you are cheating each other here, right?
    Its just that he's being selfish for himself without assuming any responsibilities.

    What are you wanting from him?
    a. You want care from him
    b. Be responsible for children.

    I didn't feel he's acting like a grown up in anyway.

    Solution :
    a. Make sure he hangs around with people who are simply jolly and doesn't give bad advice for eg divorce or maintain a mistress. Talk to your DH friend's wives and ask for help.

    b. You don't have to suffer here, don't threaten him or act like in old Savitri movies pleading all the time. Tell him clearly that if you can't take care of kids or me, I will leave you and be brave to tell the same to your in-laws & your parents, they seem like bull ****ting as well.

    c. Give a timeline for your DH and see how he acts, it might be upto a year max or as you think works.

    d. If things don't work, only then you should go for repair, its a very bad practice to simply quit because its not working.

    Will you die if you have a bruise and got septic?
    You do everything to get it healed despite the pain you experience or will you cut the limb as an easy solution?

    Think rationally, plan carefully and act as per situation.

    You are weak, so long as you let the other person think you are weak. Take things in your control girl.



     
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  8. Mathi123

    Mathi123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the suggestions, ladies. He is not behind money, because he doednt mind spending for me or baby. But his ego is so strong thst he thinks its no wrong he asked the money. And its my fault that i should have stood by his side when my parents where fighting with him. I couldnt digest it. And he is not letting me to decide on anything.. i pleaded him for family planning..he wouldnt let me get one. Now i dont want another baby..coz i have to be a doormat ever..he wont hire nanny..only his parents will come and with his stubborness he will..insult me...create lot of problems and i will end up in same situation again.. if its 1 kid i can walkout and take care, but with 2 kids its practically impossible. And he says if i want to get aborted..i should go to my moms and he will think later whether to be with us or not.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry Op...[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]kanthtx is right here. If you don't even understand your mistakes ,how will you prevent them from happening again. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]You have the heart to abort a baby but didn't have the heart to say 'NO' to sex without 'family planning'.Learn to be firm an assertive at the right time. You don't want to fight a husband but can treat a baby as disposable because the baby can't fight back with you. Your husband bullies you and you are doing worse to your baby. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]If you don't understand this bit,how will your life be better. Even if you abort ,which at this stage is legally your right....what are the guarantees this will not happen again if you continue to be bullied into having sex without precaution.[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Besides ,how can he stop you from family planning. The only option he has is to not wear a condom.You have plenty more option. Will he make you puke the pill if you choose to have that ?Will he pull out your IUD ? Unless he is not allowing you to step out or keeping you tied up to prevent you from using 'contraception' ,this excuse doesn't seem good enough. If you can make such a difficult decision (abortion),you should have the guts to stand up for yourself.[/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]What you are planning is short term solution. You will have to see the faults of your ways and correct them for a longer and long term solution. [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Just for information....does he ask his parents for ticket money too? So why just yours,specially when you were earning too. Anyways,if parents of either side are coming to help out,it is pretty petty to ask them to pay.[/FONT]
     
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  10. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Mistakes are done from both the end... Dont ever make both of your parents to stay together... It will always create problem until you both are matured enough in married life....

    First of all, it is not so easy to break a relationship.... Here the issues are when the parents are involved in conversation...

    Below are few tips....

    Dont talk about your parents till he is little understanding... If he talks about his parents, just listen that, dont argue at any point.... listen, even if you dont like...

    If any situation comes and calling for a fight, remain silent... dont pour words and feel for it... do it couple of times, your husband will realize that there is no point on arguing... Even if he comes to fight with you, tell him to leave the topic.... The more you talk on this situation, the more it will trigger anger....

    Show your love towards him.... ENgage him with your talkings and playings with ur kid.... U both are alone, u can have plenty of conversation with him and u can keep him engaged with u and the kid....

    AM sure, u guys have some good time as well so why, the second kid...

    For now, leave the topic of abortion, dont ever do it.... The kid has chosen you but now you dont reject it...

    Go to your moms place for delivery and dont invite in laws.... U dont have to fight with him for going to your mom.... Be little tricky also and tell in a nice way so that he sends you with a smile... u know how to handle your man...

    After reaching mom's place, talk to him daily and never leave a gap between u and him mentally.... Fly back to US the soon u can....

    Life is pack of both happiness and sorrow.... We cannot expect just happiness alone.... Dont think about divorce now.... U still have time... Everylady in this forum has problems and full problem life, they had come out it well and they are still managing.....

    All the best!!!
     
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